[CantExplain]

UNWARNING: No actual sex content.

Hi guys!

I organised an extra session. The idea was that it would be a kind of holiday. I would go without an agenda, probably wouldn't do any work, I'd just enjoy being with her. We ended up talking about sex and power.

As a teenager, I was constantly fighting with my mother about my emerging sexuality.

The story I told myself is that I had to fight her in order to secure the space I needed to grow sexually. She was very uncomfortable with that and expressed her disapproval of it in no uncertain terms.

However, looking back, she did actually cut me some slack. There were certain items that she found and threw in my face (metaphorically). But she never destroyed them or threw them away. Some mothers would have done that.

(A voice in my head just told me: She respected your property rights more than she disrespected your sexuality. To which my T voice replies: You see how hard it is for you to give your mother any credit?)

My T has helped me see that the power was more important than the sex. I was already in a permanent power struggle with my mother. My sexuality was a very convenient weapon to use in that fight.

I have a similar power struggle with T, but sex is no longer a part of that. At some psychic level, sex is a very important component of my T relationship. But we are both completely comfortable with it and it's not something we fight about.

[Travelinglady]

I'm glad your extra session gave you some insights. As a mother of two sons, I have to admit that accepting them at some point as sexual beings was a tad of a struggle.....But I never said anything or did anything (I hope) to cause any problems.

Sex and power are related.

[CantExplain]

I've just got an email from T asking, "What's wrong with a clash of wills?"

My first reaction is, "You just don't get it."

A little later, I'm thinking about this as a serious question, and here is my answer:

1. A clash of wills is a barrier between us, making our relationship poorer and less pleasant.

2. A clash of wills is a distraction, a side issue that becomes the main issue. It is an avoidance mechanism, a resistance mechanism that stops me doing the work I came to do.

[CantExplain]

And isn't it part of T's job to call me on avoidance and resistance?

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

And isn't it part of T's job to call me on avoidance and resistance?

If you're not aware of it, yes. Since you are aware of it, can you talk to her specifically about the avoidance and resistance itself?

[unaluna]

So you always have to agree with the other person? (Or they with you?) I thought the point was knowing that you are never going to agree, and how to get along without feeling like you have to give in all the time. Or just be alone. Am I carrying this too far?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by critterlady

If you're not aware of it, yes. Since you are aware of it, can you talk to her specifically about the avoidance and resistance itself?

Will do.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by hankster

So you always have to agree with the other person? (Or they with you?) I thought the point was knowing that you are never going to agree, and how to get along without feeling like you have to give in all the time. Or just be alone. Am I carrying this too far?

Excessive agreement is not something I have any experience of! I am naturally argumentative.

But I've managed to achieve some kind of compromise with my wife, my boss, my friends, previous therapists and even my brother. No persistent power struggles there.

I have had this problem with my mother, one landlady and two previous bosses. People who didn't give me a long enough leash.

Thinks... I've always been in a power struggle with one person. Do I need an enemy? But I certainly don't want T to be my enemy, so what's going on?

[unaluna]

My family always disagrees with me. They even disagree with me on whether or not they always disagree with me. They are gamblers, they always have to win. As Anne 2.0 pointed out, I am always taking the boys' side here, which doesn't exactly endear me to the women. Plus I don't know any men who appreciate my defense or support! Anyway, saying no automatically has become a habit I picked up from the FOO. I'm trying to break it with Ts help.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by hankster

Plus I don't know any men who appreciate my defense or support!

I appreciate your defense and support!