[rainbow8]

You guys win. My T said she didn't email back because she was following our "rule". She liked my emails and was happy about the baby, but thought it best for me that she didn't respond, even to say "congratulations" until my session. She reminded me that it was a mutual decision for MY benefit for her not to respond, because her responses often upset me. I told her I didn't like the rule anymore, but that I have to accept it because she said so. She nodded. I said I have to use radical acceptance and she agreed. So I said "this means you won't send me an email for my birthday, right?" She said yes, we'll celebrate your birthday in the session. I can still email her, and send her photos of my family.

I showed her my drawings about how upset I was, and I told her how I wanted to email her to respond, but I didn't, and I thought that was progress. She agreed that it was! I told her it hurts a lot because it shows "I'm your job" and she says she's doing it because she cares about me, not because she doesn't care.

Then, I had to talk about her fee but we settled that pretty quickly when she said that I could pay my same copay. I don't think she has any money problems. Her H has a good job too.

There wasn't much time to talk about anything else but I started about how I look, and how I'm not sure if I want to lose weight but I would like to be thinner again. She said to notice when I'm hungry, and eat when I am, not for other reasons. She can make SE about everything! We did a little SE about how I felt right then, at the end of the session. I told her about holding the heart she gave me, when I was away, and how I cried then. I told her I wanted to cry today, but I couldn't.

Someone asked me in my other thread if my T will allow me to see her when I'm through with T. She said "yes", I could always come back for sessions whenever I want to.

I feel sad but somewhat relieved too. She won't be wishy-washy anymore about emails. She still lets me hug her though I miss holding her hand an awful lot. I told her that. She took away a lot of good stuff but there's still a lot left. I emailed her that thought tonight. She and I still have a good relationship, built on trust and honesty. I feel good about the session even though I have to accept the email situation. It's tough love for my benefit. It's not just about email, so it's pretty important. It's about her being my T and not a friend or relative. It's my core issue so it's going to hurt!

[suzzie]

(((((rainbow)))))

[Chopin99]

Sounds like a really good session!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

She says she's doing it because she cares about me, not because she doesn't care.

I don't think there is anyone I trust enough to believe this of.
Certainly not T, right now.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by suzzie

(((((rainbow)))))

Thank you, suzzie.

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Sounds like a really good session!

While I was there, I didn't think so but now I do. I feel so much pain, though. We're doing emotion regulation in DBT but I missed 2 weeks. This is where I'm always stuck in T. It hurts like arrows in my heart that my relationship with my T is limited, and what is normal with friends and relatives is not going to happen with her, as in emailing me congratulations or letting me know more about her. I know I'm not my feelings, and they will pass, and I have real people in my life, and I need to be grateful for all I have. I know that, and I'm still crying. I am grateful for my T, but why did she give me what I wanted and then took it away?

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I don't think there is anyone I trust enough to believe this of.
Certainly not T, right now.

I'm sorry you are having problems with your T right now, and think she doesn't care about you. I believe that she does. It's just that T's caring about us is not going to replace something we crave and can't get enough of. That's the way it is. Sometimes I think therapy hurts more than it helps.

We weren't trying to WIN Rain, we were trying to help you look at the situation differently.

[rainbow8]

Thank you, Lola. I WANT to see it differently but my feelings of hurt are so strong. I have to accept them and move on. Easy to type but agonizingly hard for me to do. It must be transference, about people ignoring me and not giving me enough attention, or something. Or that baby crying in the hospital. I have to realize it's from my past and it's over. Some people will ignore me in my life today, but many more care about me. My T does care about me. When I cry, it's not about her. It's about whatever my issue is with people not noticing me or being left out. It's nothing to do with my T. Not really. If I reframe it like that, I feel a little better. SHE isn't the problem. It's how I react that is the problem. I still want to cry because of the truth. Yet my T is there for me in other ways and totally there for me in the session. That's GOT to be good enough. The pain inside is mine. I'll ask her to help me work through it more if I can't by myself. I'll use it for my check-in at DBT tomorrow too.