[ThisWayOut]

I am totally torn about seeing a student clinician at this point. When I first started therapy, anything was helpful, and the students were welcome (though I wasted a whole year with one, only to decide after the year was up that it was a waste). I really want to give him the chance, as I would want that myself as a student, but I feel like I need something more right now. Another problem however, I do not have the money or resources to pay for an experienced clinician... I feel trapped, and forced into being his learning tool. While he is a great guy, I do not trust him yet, and I don't see that trust blossoming any time soon. I want to tell him all this, but I also don't want to hurt his feelings or ruin the only thing I have to work with. He doesn't know how to approach the self injury or the dissociation or the abuse... or maybe he is letting me be the one to go there... I don't know. I just know that a lot of this stuff is very salient in my life.head right now and I need to work on it. But I feel like I am all too effective at glossing over these things with him. I was able to tell him that I have trust issues with men, so maybe that is why he is not pushing the topic? I respect and value that he is respecting my hesitation, but at the same time, I need someone to push me on those things. They are very present and very in-my-face a lot of the time... I don't know how to tell him to push that stuff without pushing on the sensitive piece of the abuse and self-injury...

Mdngt, this sounds like a great open dialogue to have with him. If he is your only choice then what have you got to lose? Start talking all this stuff out. You two could learn together. Don't worry about hurting his feelings, I imagine you need a tough skin to be a T.

[precious things]

You really have this well thought out. I would urge you to either have a frank discussion with him about this or find out if its possible there are students/supervisors who specialize in your areas of concern. He may be all you have but it sounds like you have a strong grasp of what you need and don't need. Don't be afraid to raise this with him.

[ThisWayOut]

after I wrote this, I wrote out an email to him. I did not yet send it, but saved it as a draft and asked him if it was ok to email him something I felt I could not speak. (it doesn't help that I cannot afford to pay my phone bill and it has been shut off, so email is the only way to contact him at the moment...). I also asked if he had time this week. maybe emailing him will help us figure out a way to communicate without me necessarily having to speak about certain things...
thanks guys. tho even just writing the email without sending it has caused such a rise in my anxiety it's nuts...

[ThisWayOut]

he emailed back and gave the ok to send it. he also offered today, so I took it, fearing that I would lose my courage to talk. it was a very stressful session. he was receptive to what I had written tho. my anxiety was huge going in today, and with the traffic, I almost turned around a few times. by the time I got to his office, I was squirming and fast on my way to dissociating. I don't really remember all that we talked about, but we practiced some grounding. then he really got my anxiety and panic going with a safety plan... unfortunately (fortunately?) my instinct and learning about panic and fear has always frozen me, so we were forced to work through it there. it took a good 30 minutes, but I was able to figure out exactly what about his plan made me panic, and we were able to resolve it... i think i freaked him out at one point tho I didn't mean to...

another thought... he asked why I kept apologizing, and said i had nothing to apologize for. I know it's something I do often, but I'm wondering if I do it more because he's a male therapist... or has Dr. C just never pointed it out to me? I know I had done it a lot in the past, but I am not sure how often I have done it recently...

[Dreamer11]

First of all, I applaud your strength in going to your session even though you were really nervous about it. That's so brave, and I hope you recognize that's not something everyone can do!

It's great that you two were able to work together to deal with the issues that came up during your session. I know you've expressed some doubt in regard to trusting him, but maybe consider the possibility that he is trustworthy after the way he responded to the concerns in your email.