[healed84]

So, the last couple of sessions have been "deep" with me and T. Talking a lot about emotions, feelings, intimacy, etc. Yesterday, at one point, T moved to the end of his seat, leaned in forward, towards me. The closest he has ever been to me in therapy. And really, it wasn't that close. He sits across from me, not too close, but not too far away. I think that, probably if we both sat back and let our legs stretch out our feet would touch.

Anyways, internally.. I was freaking out, I automatically felt uncomfortable. I sat up straight, got as far back as possible in my chair. T eventually changed his postion..

The situation got me thinking...

I can't have both. I can't let people in a emotionally intimate way and have people be close in a physical way. I think that is a lot of my issues, with me and my H. I am physically intimate with him, so I have hard time really sharing sharing my heart with him. The same goes for T in a sense. Not that I plan on being physical with him in anyways. However, b/c of the stuff I shared with him, probably him sitting next to me, or us hugging, could not happen.

Just wanted to share.

[healed84]

This post coupled with the post before this that I posted.. Actually made me think.. that there was one person I could almost be both with.

[stopdog]

Coming out can be challenging.

[healed84]

You have a way of cutting straight to point, SD

[stopdog]

pm me if you want.
I understood how to be an intellectual lesbian. I knew I was attracted to women. Talking with them, playing etc. I was not so certain about the physical parts. Not that I was more certain about the physical parts with men, just that with men it did not matter to me. Kissing a man was not bad, it was just more like why? Particularly when we could be doing something fun like playing racquetball.
Frankly if the first woman I was ever with, as a freshman in college, had not just finally leaned over and kissed me, I would probably still be sitting on the couch talking. I was already emotionally closer to her than I had ever been with anyone else.
Being lesbian was not a big deal to me. I was already odd, lesbian just gave parts of my oddness a label.
The first therapist I saw was straight but saw a lot of lesbians because she was known to not be a jerk about it. This was quite awhile back and it was not usual to be accepted by therapists.

[Syra]

Thanks for sharing this. I can feel something shifting in me that I can't even articulate yet.

["Tilly may"]

I wish my T was a lesbian. Maybe she is ?

Originally Posted by healed84

I can't have both. I can't let people in a emotionally intimate way and have people be close in a physical way. I think that is a lot of my issues, with me and my H. I am physically intimate with him, so I have hard time really sharing sharing my heart with him. The same goes for T in a sense. Not that I plan on being physical with him in anyways. However, b/c of the stuff I shared with him, probably him sitting next to me, or us hugging, could not happen.

Just wanted to share.

When you say "people" do you only experience this with men? Have you explored this with your T? Given some experiences that many of us have had in the past, IMO it would not be odd to not be comfortable with men where you let yourself be vulnerable...

like other people on PC have said... s*x is just s*x it's not for intimacy...but its really difficult to be vulnerable enough to have it be both.. anyway....just some thoughts that came to mind reading your posts...

Originally Posted by healed84

This post coupled with the post before this that I posted.. Actually made me think.. that there was one person I could almost be both with.

Maybe thats a person you should talk to?

[MASIMO]

Think i would rather give up the possibility of physical intimacy than the intimacy of my relationship with t. As hot as I am for him, that is way more important. But he gets pretty close to me, I will have to settle for that. As for my husband, I don't him to get near me. So it is confusing for me.

[healed84]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Maybe thats a person you should talk to?

I have...

[healed84]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

When you say "people" do you only experience this with men? Have you explored this with your T? Given some experiences that many of us have had in the past, IMO it would not be odd to not be comfortable with men where you let yourself be vulnerable...

like other people on PC have said... s*x is just s*x it's not for intimacy...but its really difficult to be vulnerable enough to have it be both.. anyway....just some thoughts that came to mind reading your posts...

Nope, for the most part it is everybody. Yes, T and I have recently started talking about my lack of intimacy in most of relationships. Although, yes.. it is much harder to be truly intimate in everyway with men.

Healed ((((((hugs))))))
You are being so brave is right now, this is so hard for you. I am glad you are ok with all of this and can talk to your T, your h and this other person about it.

Originally Posted by stopdog

pm me if you want.
I understood how to be an intellectual lesbian. I knew I was attracted to women. Talking with them, playing etc. I was not so certain about the physical parts. Not that I was more certain about the physical parts with men, just that with men it did not matter to me. Kissing a man was not bad, it was just more like why? Particularly when we could be doing something fun like playing racquetball.
Frankly if the first woman I was ever with, as a freshman in college, had not just finally leaned over and kissed me, I would probably still be sitting on the couch talking. I was already emotionally closer to her than I had ever been with anyone else.
Being lesbian was not a big deal to me. I was already odd, lesbian just gave parts of my oddness a label.
The first therapist I saw was straight but saw a lot of lesbians because she was known to not be a jerk about it. This was quite awhile back and it was not usual to be accepted by therapists.

Thank you for this SD , you have helped me more than you know. I have been so confused about all of this for a long time and felt so weird and different but reading your post I realised I am not weird I am just like many other lesbians.

[WikidPissah]

Just a hug.