[delicatefade26]

Okay so I'm having an extremely difficult time right now-depression is horrible and it's to the point I'm considering hospitalization. Earlier today I became obsessed with emailing T...so I emailed him a few times and didn't hear anything. I texted him and said I was worse and didn't know what to do-because I don't have $ and I'm not sure it helps. T wrote back "it's ok to go Delicate, if you feel worse its best, Im praying for you".
So around 1:15 I tried calling him 3 times because I just needed someone I knew that cares about me to talk to me and maybe help me get to safety.
T did not answer or call me back. Later I wrote an email saying I tried calling 3 times and was upset and that I wouldn't be returning to therapy.
I get an email back that says "Hi Delicate my mother in law died today at 1 and I was thankfully there while she passed peacefully. I hope you can understand that I do care about you but need to be dedicated to my family for awhile. I'm sorry you are struggling right now but I'm limited in what I can do to help right now. I will be praying for you as I hope you are able to pray for (T's wife) and my family. I will talk to you soon"

I feel absolutely horrible...I wrote him back saying I was sorry for their loss and that I'm ashamed at how selfish I came
across and that I'm too embarassed to see him anytime soon. That I would be thinking of them and I'm glad he can be there for them. My heart hurts...I feel bad. I'm embarrassed. I was calling him in crisis just minutes after she passed and I'm sure he was annoyed and frustrated in how needy I am. I've never felt so bad and like I can't go back : (

[likelife]

You didn't know, hon. Try to give yourself a break. Your response to T sounds lovely.

I hope you're able to find some peace.

[murray]

I agree with Lifelike, please don't beat yourself up about it. There was no way that you could have known.
I am sure that your T understands and wouldn't want you to take a break from working with him due to this.

[precious things]

I think your T cares a great deal about you and wrote a very kind response. No need to feel shame, if he were angry or upset it sure didnt sound like it in the response he gave you.

Take care of yourself, I hope you can find support without your T this week.

[WhiteClouds]

Hi Delicate,
Find some peace knowing most T's understand they're in a profession that many people are depending on them all at once. I'm sure this isn't the first time something like this has happened to him. When a T is working he may be dealing with his/ her own personal loss, accomplishments, concerns, fears, etc. As a client you may not be aware of it. Actually you don't supposed to be aware of his personal life. I think he may've shared this information with you to acknowledge he hear you & concerned for you. Most importantly he wanted you to do what was best for you. If your depression is that severe the best thing to do is get help. Then you will be able to process your embarrassment and discuss it with your T. I'm sure he'll be understanding.

[ReddClay]

I second like life. You aren't expected to be a mind reader. Next time, maybe try some breathing, visualization, or meditation exercises to calm you down while you wait for T to call back?

[Permanent Pajamas]

Your therapist understands. Take care of yourself. Everything will iron itself out.

[delicatefade26]

I want to add that I knew that his mother in law was really sick-because he told me last week that he might have to change things up because she was dying-but not sure when. I saw him yesterday and didn't even ask how she was-but he did mention he was going to see her after our session...just makes me feel worse that I did know she was sick

[Anne2.0]

You didn't do anything wrong in reaching out for help, even if you knew his MIL was sick. You didn't know that she had died, obviously, and this is a big difference. I think he told you this so you would understand that he didn't just ignore you, it was just an unfortunate coincidence.

[sittingatwatersedge]

You can certainly go back. There's no way you could have known what was going on. And when you found out, you didn't push your needs regardless. I think that's good!

[delicatefade26]

Thank you all so much. I just need to say too that I'm embarrassed by the way I got upset and said I wasn't returning to therapy-because I got really dramatic I said I had lost hope in God and people-I know and T knows (and my family because I've always been this way) that this is an issue-but this is the worst case and timing for this to come out. I hate that I'm this way...I think I need done additional help with emotions-maybe some DBT or something...

Delicatefade... your T knows you don't have a crystal ball to see what is happening in his outside of work life when you text or email or call.... your T also knows that you are having a hard time right now... your T also knows that your emotions are running high too...

It will all work out.... but in the mean time you need to do what you need to do to stay safe...

[stopdog]

I would suggest just trying to stop now and breathe. You had no way of knowing what was going on in the therapist's life. So your reaction to his lack of response was not insensitive to his actual situation, even if it did show a bit of a lack of perspective and patience on your part as to his lack of immediacy - no matter why he had not responded. Then the next reaction swung extremely in the other direction of over- remorse and flagellation over the part you could not have known about. If it was me, I would try to just stop the swinging - over remorse can be just as useless as the initial impatience. If possible, I would try to breathe, remind myself of the facts and that the therapist doing or not doing something outside the actual appointment rarely is due specifically to me, and talk to the therapist at the next appointment.

[adel34]

Hi Delicate,
First of all, I'm so glad to hear from you again! I don't think you've posted since the summer and I was actually thinking about you recently wondering if you were ok.
I agree with everyone, there was no way you could have known about t's personal life, though I understand how you could feel bad about it. I think ts know that clients often have a lot going on with their emotions and say things they later wish they could take back or say differently, that's why we're all in therapy!
I hope you find a safe place, whether it's the hospital or a crisis center or going to a day program it sounds like you do need extra support. Thinking of you.

You didnt know. When you did, you responded and respected his limited availability. Thats what was important. I just encourage people to take this as an example. T's also have difficulties, lives, random crazy things. So when they cant respond quickly it may be because they too have stuff that is outside the therapy room. Its okay to need T, really. But I hope it also encourages clients to pause when T may be off their game a bit. You responded exactly as you should have.

[rainboots87]

I've tried to contact my previous T and later felt embarrassed about it for various reasons. There was the time she later told me she left her phone somewhere for several days and didn't have access to it. Another time, she ended up being out of town for a family vacation in a place with poor reception so the calls didn't go through. And probably a bunch of other situations I can't remember right now. Just try to accept the situation and move on, there's no need to blame yourself. He likely did not have his phone with him or even on if he was at the hospital, so it it doubtful that your calls were "bothering" him. Recently, i went back to visit my old T and towards the end I apologized for contacting her so much after I moved (emails, calls, and texts for a few months). She said, "Whatever you think I think about it, I don't." She explained that all the judgment I had about it was coming from me, NOT from her. It was comforting to know I really wasn't bothering her, that she can take care of herself, and to recognize that the judgment was mine. I would encourage you to look at your own situation like this too. It's okay to reach out for help and he responded to you as he feels comfortable. Big hugs!

[clash]

Don't sweat it. The T gets paid for what T does. The T has seen a lot worse. Keep up the good work. Hang in there. You can do it!

[Nelliecat]

It will be fine, give youself a bit of a break and try not to beat yourself up I can understand how you feel, I would feel the same.

Go back to him though, it will be ok

[elliemay]

I think a big part of this is that your therapist responded. It seems to me that you can trust that he will. That help and understanding will come, just not right at that moment.

Sometimes though it is hard to calm yourself once the swirling starts, but you can. I've noticed that repeated attempts to contact the therapist just makes things worse. Although it does give a "name" to the free floating anxiety. I am upset because....

It becomes an exercise in patience and tolerance. The more you practice those, the better you get at them, the more confident you become. It's a very positive cycle.

"I can handle it, it's not forever - this is tolerable".

Sometimes medications can help you to build that confidence. Seriously. It might not be the most popular opinion here, but anti-anxiety meds CAN calm the swirl and allow you to slowly develop the skills you need.

Just a thought.

[tinyrabbit]

I read your post and couldn't find a reason to feel ashamed or embarrassed.

You contacted your T as you were having a hard time. Sometimes we contact our Ts a lot. It happens. You will not be the first or last client to do it, guaranteed.

Your T self-disclosed about his mother-in-law. Why do you think he did that? He is a T. His personal problems are not your concern. So why would he tell you?

Answer: so you understood why he hasn't been in touch, and didn't feel rejected or abandoned as a result. He didn't leave you to wonder why he hasn't responded, then tell you ages after.

He didn't tell you to make you feel bad. He told you so you knew why he wasn't responding.

Those are not the actions of someone who thinks badly of you. He must care a lot about you. You have done the right thing by apologising. Now please please forgive yourself.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

Thank you all so much. I just need to say too that I'm embarrassed by the way I got upset and said I wasn't returning to therapy-because I got really dramatic I said I had lost hope in God and people-I know and T knows (and my family because I've always been this way) that this is an issue-but this is the worst case and timing for this to come out. I hate that I'm this way...I think I need done additional help with emotions-maybe some DBT or something...

You can get upset and dramatic about therapy. It's totally allowed.

[sittingatwatersedge]

From what you posted, I think you have learned a lot from this experience - and that's all to the good. Yr T isn't holding anything against you, of course, and that's good too.

Every success, however it comes, is good success.