[geez]

I'm this pathetic needy loser who needs to go to T every week.

I view my T as such: smart, strong, independent, has nice hair, has the perfect family/kids and lifestyle. In some ways I'm putting her on a pedestal.

I also do look at her and see her imperfections or what I view as imperfections which are really incompatibilities to the type of person I am.

My T is going on vacation in a couple weeks and I'm not feeling great about that. I feel needy and like a loser for the fact that I'm going to miss seeing her the week she goes on vacation and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. I feel somewhat anxious and needy.

Finally there's a part of me that doesn't like her because I feel she has no idea what I'm going through. She grew up with a privileged lifestyle, went away to camp in the summers and had family that loved and supported her up through school and college.

I didn't have any of that.

Sorry if what I wrote is confusing. I have a lot stirring around my mind right now. I'm feeling really pathetic right now. Pathetic because I'm going to miss my T. Someone who has nothing invested in me other than time because I'm paying her. And it will never be any different.

That is hard for me to accept.

What you wrote makes sense, geez. I detest feeling needy. My T urges me to call, but then I rage at myself for being needy when I do, even though I desperately want to call him and he helps me feel better. Try not to beat yourself up though (I know, easier said than done). Needing the person you hired to help you to actually help you is NOT being needy.

Geez, This is why we're in therapy. To get those needs met & understood. I use to feel all those thoughts & feelings. They don't have such a strangle hold now. It does get better.

[geez]

We'll rather than sit on my feelings till next Tuesday (when I have my appointment) I sent my thoughts to T in an email. I wrote exactly what I posted above. I hope she doesn't hate me.

I've had transference before but this feels different. Or transference on a different level. I feel like I want to burst into tears and my head is killing me.

[geez]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

What you wrote makes sense, geez. I detest feeling needy. My T urges me to call, but then I rage at myself for being needy when I do, even though I desperately want to call him and he helps me feel better. Try not to beat yourself up though (I know, easier said than done). Needing the person you hired to help you to actually help you is NOT being needy.

This is exactly how I feel!!! It's like you took the words out of my mouth

[precious things]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

Geez, This is why we're in therapy. To get those needs met & understood. I use to feel all those thoughts & feelings. They don't have such a strangle hold now. It does get better.

Not to hijack a thread but are we in therapy to have our needs met? Understood- yes. but are we supposed to use the therapeutic relationship to fulfill loneliness or emptiness? I don't know about that one.

Originally Posted by precious things

Not to hijack a thread but are we in therapy to have our needs met? Understood- yes. but are we supposed to use the therapeutic relationship to fulfill loneliness or emptiness? I don't know about that one.

Loneliness & emptiness are but symptons. Therapy is best experienced. I can say my experience is my needs have been met.

[rainbow8]

geez, you are NOT pathetic! I know there was a thread about people who feel relief when their T cancels a session, but I'm pretty sure the majority of us feel somewhat irritated, unsettled, and abandoned when our Ts go on vacation. Maybe canceling a session is different from a T going away, too.

I worry about my T when she goes away. I want to keep her safe! I'm also jealous that she has the money to travel to exotic countries, and I don't. Whatever you are feeling is normal. I think it's irrelevant that we pay our Ts for their service. Therapy is a relationship, at least for many of us. Don't read this, stopdog! Your T has more than her time invested in you. It's so hard to find the middle ground and accept the reality. I'm working on it and it's tough! I'm starting to accept that I'm my T's job and I pay her. But we still have a relationship, a close one. To do the work of therapy for many of us, we need such a relationship. It's not pathetic to have strong feelings for your T and to be unsettled about her going away.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by precious things

Not to hijack a thread but are we in therapy to have our needs met? Understood- yes. but are we supposed to use the therapeutic relationship to fulfill loneliness or emptiness? I don't know about that one.

In the beginning, my T definitely did meet some of my emotional needs. While I was working through the experience of not having had a mom and not having had love or care growing up, T offered me some maternal nurturing. She taught me what that kind of a relationship would have been like and how to express warmth and affection. Now, I have people in my RL who give me those things, so I no longer need as much from T. She helped me grow and it still makes me feel safe to know that if a rupture happens in my RL relationships, I still have a soft place to land & reboot with T. So, I guess my view is that T can help meet needs as long as the aim is for the client to learn how to eventually get those needs in RL. It can be part of the growing process.

So, geez, I don't think it's pathetic! I think it's part of learning and healing and getting the support we need. I was exactly where you are not to long ago. And, on the upside, being there now does not mean you will be there forever. It's just part of the process.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by geez

I view my T as such: smart, strong, independent

I'm sure you are correct that she has these positive traits. Interesting thing about it, I see you as being all these things too. You've gone through a lot lately, but none of these things have changed who you are.

She may have nice hair (I'm sure she does, given that you said it), but it's unlikely she has the perfect family situation. Her husband could be inattentive or messy or bad in bed, her kids could be insolent, spend all their time fighting about in sibling rivalry, be hated at school. Maybe she has one of those mother in laws who rearrange the kitchen cabinets or mop all the floors whenever she comes over, and complains out loud that she wished her son had married his high school girlfriend, who was such a better match for him. Maybe she's upside down on her car loan or feels stressed because of the size of her mortgage. In all likelihood, she has the same problems as you or I or anyone else, except that it's possible that she's further along her path to enlightenment because of the training she had to do for T school.

I also think that it is unlikely that any of us can know what our T's have been through to attain the appearance (if it exists) that their life is together or that they are "over" their stuff. I think my T is "over" some of the difficult stuff from his own past and I think he has a pretty positive marriage, but he's certainly not an outlier in his basic togetherness. I think he had to work really hard on his stuff and his peaceful and centered place in life right now is due mostly to his hard work, not necessarily because he hasn't had obstacles to overcome.

I've met many people who are like you identify: "She grew up with a privileged lifestyle, went away to camp in the summers and had family that loved and supported her up through school and college. " Some of them have had unimaginable horrible things that happened to them in childhood or adulthood, so none of these privileges prevent trauma or victimization. You may be right that she has no idea what you are going through-- but she may know all too well and just chooses not to disclose it. I think that many times we make assumptions about what someone has had to have gone through based on how well (or poorly) they are doing in life. But many people, both T's and others, work really hard to get to a healthy, balanced, mindful place and they are there not because they haven't had obstacles to overcome, but because they have overcome them.

And, finally, you're not pathetic or needy to desire to reach out for help or being worried about not getting what you need when your t is gone. Much better to be aware of the issue than to pretend it doesn't exist and be body slammed by your reaction.

[geez]

Thank you all for your thoughtful comments. Anne I do know enough about my T to see that everything is seemingly 'perfect'. She has also flat out told me she didn't have the same childhood trauma that I had experienced (not that it's a contest) and she grew up very differently. I think there are times where she doesn't 'get it' because she will say: but your parents surely went to your games and watched you play. - my answer - no they dropped me off and then picked me up when the game was over and one time my dad forgot to pick me up. At the age of 7 I walked in an unsafe neighborhood to find a phone to get a ride. I called my house several times only to have my dad show up an hour later where he was supposed to pick me up. I know my T isn't perfect but sometimes I feel like I have to have a 'good enough' reason to have the feelings I have.

I hope my T doesn't hate me. I may have shot myself in the foot by sending her the email about what I'm feeling and why. I hope she doesn't fire me. But then again if she does I deserve it.

I'm sorry for being in a bad place right now. This sucks. I hate this.

[WePow]

You have a need that must find a way to be heard. Your T will not hate you. You are just sharing your thoughts.

[autotelica]

Just give her some blueberries.

My therapist had serious blueberry teeth (and lips) the other day. Despite my dysphoria, I couldn't help but laugh. A lot. Which I almost never do in session.

I haven't idealized her (I don't think), but it still helps me to see her minor pratfalls because she models good behaviors. Like, when I told her that her mouth was all messed up, she laughed too and thanked me for letting her know, all the while making funny faces so that I would laugh even more. I know it's stupid, but I don't think I would have been so light-hearted if I had been the one with blueberry teeth. I would have felt embarrassed and beat myself up over it, using it as Exhibit Z that I'm just no good. So it is good for me to see that my therapist can be a sloppy person just like me, despite her elegant and fancy ways.

Originally Posted by precious things

Not to hijack a thread but are we in therapy to have our needs met? Understood- yes. but are we supposed to use the therapeutic relationship to fulfill loneliness or emptiness? I don't know about that one.

I guess it depends on why you're in therapy and how deep your needs are. If the point is to get to a healed state where you can meet all your needs yourself, then therapy should be seen as a vehicle to get you there. But if therapy is there to provide support as you cope with an on-going, possibly permanent situation (i.e., there is no healed state), then I don't see why therapy can't be a surrogate whatever-you-need, as long as its all professional and appropriately boundaried. Just IMHO.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by geez

I hope my T doesn't hate me. I may have shot myself in the foot by sending her the email about what I'm feeling and why. I hope she doesn't fire me. But then again if she does I deserve it.

No, I can't agree with that. Any T that fires you for sending an email about how you feel (even though I am generally opposed to email contact) would be wrong to do it. Well, unless you were describing how you were going to eat her children with mustard or something like that.

[stopdog]

I kind of think therapists often expect their clients to come weekly and that a desire/need to attend an appointment weekly does not make the client excessively needy. Nor do I think it is usual for them to stop working with someone for telling the therapist how they feel. I think therapists often expect it and it is rather routine to them.

[geez]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

No, I can't agree with that. Any T that fires you for sending an email about how you feel (even though I am generally opposed to email contact) would be wrong to do it. Well, unless you were describing how you were going to eat her children with mustard or something like that.

No mustard is involved LOL!

What I did email to her I'm embarrassed by. I feel like I owe her an apology. This is what I wrote (what I posted earlier in the thread only this has 'yous' :

My apologies in advance for all the ‘you’ wording and sending this in an email. The fact I’m sending an email is kind of a copout vs. saying this in person. Something I need to get off my mind…………………….

I'm this pathetic needy loser who needs to go to therapy every week.

I view you as such: smart, strong, independent, has nice hair, has the perfect family/kids and lifestyle. In some ways I'm putting you on a pedestal.

I also look at you and see your imperfections or what I view as imperfections which are really incompatibilities to the type of person I am.

You are going on vacation in a couple weeks and I'm not feeling great about that. I feel needy and like a loser for the fact that I'm going to miss seeing you the week your on vacation and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. I feel somewhat anxious and needy.

Finally there's a part of me that doesn't like you because I feel you have no idea what I'm going through. You grew up with a privileged lifestyle, went away to camp in the summers and had family that loved and supported you up through school and college.

I didn't have any of that.

Sorry if what I wrote is confusing. I have a lot stirring around my mind right now. I'm feeling really pathetic right now. Pathetic because I'm going to miss you. Someone who has nothing invested in me other than time because I'm paying her. And it will never be any different.

That is hard for me to accept.

[rainbow8]

I don't see anything wrong with your email. It's honest. Ts love it when we're totally honest with them! Seriously, how can she help if you're not honest with your feelings, whether it's about her lifestyle or about her vacation? It will be productive to talk about the feelings in your email and I'm sure your T will tell you that you shouldn't feel embarrassed about it.

[geez]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I don't see anything wrong with your email. It's honest. Ts love it when we're totally honest with them! Seriously, how can she help if you're not honest with your feelings, whether it's about her lifestyle or about her vacation? It will be productive to talk about the feelings in your email and I'm sure your T will tell you that you shouldn't feel embarrassed about it.

I hope your right rainbow. I feel like there's a part of me that feels threatened in feeling close to T. I think some of purpose behind the email isn't to just express my feelings but to push her and see if she will fire me. I'm so afraid.

[Sannah]

How are things going geez?

[geez]

Originally Posted by Sannah

How are things going geez?

Thank you for asking Sannah. I had a really tough session today.

She did address the email and asked me about it. What my feelings are about myself: I feel I don't have value or I experienced value growing up. She also told me she almost sent me a response to my email but decided to wait till I saw her in person.

She did confirm that she went away to camp once. She went for three weeks and said it was very traumatic. She cried for three weeks and the people at the camp didn't let her call home.

She also said that she did have things that I didn't. She had self esteem and had loving support and protection from her parents and they took good care of her. However she didn't have a sense of identity because her mother was a 'helicopter parent' and made her dress a certain way (her mom was a fashion designer) in addition to being very controlling. She never had the room to think much about things or get pushed in terms of growth and as a result she never had to 'survive' like I had and doesn't have the skills that I do or the abilities. She was a mini version of her mother and didn't have the opportunities to be herself (much like myself in some ways only for me it was because I wasn't safe and I was busy surviving not exploring what would be interesting to me).

On a sad note we also talked about my beloved Java. Our dog passed away yesterday. It's really hard for our 7 yr old and tonight he cried for 1 1/2 hours in our comfort. I never realized how hard it would be to say goodbye to a family member and a friend.

Hoping this week gets better. I can't take anything else on right now.

[stopdog]

Sorry to hear about your dog. It is a hard loss.

Geez, I don't think you are pathetic at all! You have a right to feel like this, these feelings are yours, you can't help them or change them but know they are only feelings! You can change your thoughts about these feelings and give yourself a break
I bet your ya life isn't perfect, she just presents herself as perfect and in control because it is her professional responsibility.
From being in t school, I know that ya do not have perfect lives, in fact it's the opposite. Many of them have broken marriages because they change in their training and some have had terrible childhoods! They are just like us so I am sure your t can relate to you on some level.