You're not there

This is the refrain that's been passing through my head these days, in reference to my T. I picture her, and then immediately think, "You're not there."

The thing is, I know she's there. She's been there for almost six years. But recently I find myself angry with her, for no good reason. I'm angry because she's sick and cancelled two weeks in a row on me (last week because of snow). But what kind of horrible person is angry at someone for being sick? I hate it when I can't reconcile rational me with pissy, emotional me.

I had a dream last night that T gave me a card and a Christmas ornament. Both had obviously been re-gifted. The ornament had originally been a gift for her brother. I think sometimes it feels like her caring is re-gifted. Or something like that.

You're not horrible for being angry. It's a common reaction when a T suddenly isn't there when they should be. It's unnerving when they are sick or on holiday because all of a sudden they become human and fallible and not the god-like creatures who are always there to save us.

It is difficult to feel like we have lost something. But sometimes we never actually owned what we think we lost. Can you identify where the loss is being felt? Sometimes that is the hard part. It can help us identify what we felt we lost when we were younger. That can often be the root of the pain we feel when we don't understand where that pain or anger is comming from. It is all a part of healing.

I think I know what you mean, but I'm not sure. Could you say more? What you wrote evoked such sadness in me.

I just edited as I was adding more to it for you. I was feeling a big sense of loss last night myself about therapy. I won't get to see my T again for 2 weeks. When I allowed myself to feel that sorrow, I realized I was grieving something I never had to begin with. T is not my dad and can never be him. I didn't get the right type of love from my father I should have had. But I wasn't able to grieve that loss as a child because I didn't know it even was a loss.

With my T, I feel the loss of contact deeply. But the T relationship is not the true dad relationship I lost. It is just an image of that. It lets me see what I never had. So now I can mourn the loss because I know what the loss actually is.

WePow, that's how I feel about my T too.

And likelife, it's okay to get angry with your T.

Thanks for this, WePow. I went a long time without acknowledging that I just wanted my parents to be there. When I was a teenager, they found out from one of my friends that I was pretty seriously suicidal. But they never said anything to me. And haven't to this day, even after I ended up attempting suicide twice in my early 20s. I thought I had gotten past all of that, but it seems to be reverberating in my life right now.

This is so well stated. Pretty much sums up my experience too, if you substitute mom for dad.

I'm sorry that you're feeling the loss acutely right now.

The good news though is now we can see through the illusions. We can learn how to be the one who is there for us regardless of the rest of the world. It can feel sad... but it can also feel very empowering.