[Raging Quiet]

Hi all,

I saw t earlier and was speaking about my infertility issue. This is a huge thing for me at the moment and a dark cloud over my head.

So, I was telling T about my feelings and she suddenly says 'Do you watch that show 10(?) kids and counting on TV?" And goes into a 5 minute rant about the family on the show and all the babies etc.

Honestly, I just wanted to get up and walk out. The pain I've cried over so much with her and all of the private emotions I've spoken to her about, all felt invalidated. This isn't the first time, she also speaks about the newborn next door.

I just wonder why she does this (see title) I don't understand why she doesn't put two and two together. I know therapy is supposed to push you but things are very difficult at the moment and T knows I don't have the strength.

[Willowleaf]

That sounds so difficult. I think I would have to address the issue with her and if she doesn't get it move on. I understand your pain and for a t to be so insensitive is quite amazing. I'm afraid I have no insights into why she does it, but others might. When people did similar things to me I just decided they were really insensitive and ignorant. It was too painful for me to easily forgive them. Saying that I do think it is worth a go discussing it with her.

[Raging Quiet]

Thank you, I get worried she is more into massage therapy than talking therapy really as a body psychotherapist nowadays

[Ike McCaslin]

T doesn't seem very attuned. let her know how you feel, if it would help to get it out on the table.

[tinyrabbit]

I think it's tactless and rude!

[MonroeTree]

I'm sorry that you had to go through that No need to add frustration to an already sensitive subject.

It sounds like ignorance to me. She probably doesn't put 2&2 together when bringing up these anecdotes.

Perhaps stopping her and telling her how upset you are would get her to understand what she is doing. When I feel like my T is blowing off something that means a lot to me, I go out of my way to tell her how much that topic is weighing on me.

I wish the best for you

[Willowleaf]

Mine is also a body psychotherapist but even if they are more into biodynamic massage they are meant to be attuned to your emotions. Maybe she thinks you would agree with her rants? Maybe this is her way of being supportive? Clearly not successful.

[ECHOES]

I have to wonder about her education, training, experience. I think you might be right that she could be a good massage therapist, but not a talk therapist.

I wonder if you could ask her more about herself and your therapy.

And if you could tell her that what she says is hurtful to you.

[unaluna]

I would slap her. Probably not really, but reading this makes me want to. Say and do violent things. What is wrong with her? She sounds like the Marie Antoinette of t's. Let them eat cake. Off with her head.

[clash]

countertransference

[elliemay]

I have to agree with everything that has been said. SHe sounds like a loser.

I'm VERY reminded of people who, when I finally do talk about what happened to me, say "You didn't go to the police? He could have done it to someone else."

It's not mean-spirited, just stupid. Puts more guilt and hurt on me.

You don't have to put up with it. You may like her as a massage therapist, but I think you deserve better with your emotions.

Originally Posted by Rect0pathic

Hi all,

I saw t earlier and was speaking about my infertility issue. This is a huge thing for me at the moment and a dark cloud over my head.

So, I was telling T about my feelings and she suddenly says 'Do you watch that show 10(?) kids and counting on TV?" And goes into a 5 minute rant about the family on the show and all the babies etc.

Honestly, I just wanted to get up and walk out. The pain I've cried over so much with her and all of the private emotions I've spoken to her about, all felt invalidated. This isn't the first time, she also speaks about the newborn next door.

I just wonder why she does this (see title) I don't understand why she doesn't put two and two together. I know therapy is supposed to push you but things are very difficult at the moment and T knows I don't have the strength.

Wow,
Your t is incredibily insensitive to what you are going through right now. Has she always been like this?
Where is her empathy. I am not surprised your feelings felt invalidated. I think your are right about the counter transference. There is obviously something going on for her around this issue of children but that doesn't excuse her behaviour. Can you maybe bring this up with her next session or do you even want to work with her anymore?

[adel34]

That's so insensitive! I'd try and bring it up, but if she continues try and maybe look for someone else. I also think asking her about her training is a good thing. Someone can be a body psychotherapist and still be a good therapist, body psychotherapy just means having moe awareness of the body and working with it in therapy, but in her case maybe she did get more training in the massage and not in being a good therapist. Then again there are plenty of therapists trained in therapy who are insensitive sadly! I agree that it's probably a combination of ignorance and countertransference on her part.

This made me tear up.... I've been down the infertility path and to not even be able to hear a pregnancy announcement of a friend without breaking down and a baby shower invitation could send me to pieces..

I see you are in UK so not sure if it's the same but in US at fertility clinics they sometimes have therapists who specialize in infertility.... My ob/gyn even gave me a card of a t. That specialized in it..

Perhaps for this issue you need someone more attuned to your situation.

[agma]

I can't believe how insensitive some people can be when it comes to infertility. I'm also currently struggling with emotions surrounding my infertility. I agree with everyone else. It may be time to look for a new t. Feel free to pm me anytime if you want someone to talk to who understands. I just had my first IVF in February and it failed after 6 failed inseminations. H and I are trying to decide if we want to try again or if we want to adopt.

[Raging Quiet]

Thank you so much for all of your support and stories.

I know her training and she is accreditated by a UK awarding body, she is a private psychotherapist. I know she has children, I suppose I just don't understand how she can't see how much it hurts me; she is the only one to support with with this issue and it feels like there is no-one for me now.

[ECHOES]

I suppose I just don't understand how she can't see how much it hurts me;

I don't either, but I hope you will let her know.

[ScrewedUpMe]

This sounds SO insensitive. I feel sorry that she is making you feel that way. It seems like pure common sense not to do what she is doing. It sounds like she is completely unaware and not thinking about what she is saying, which is pretty bad for a therapist in my opinion!

[Raging Quiet]

Thank you.

I've found 2 T's that I've emailed today who specialise in infertility. Has anyone changed T's after seeing the same one for about 7 years?

[Raging Quiet]

I was thinking this morning, how I could tell T her comments upset me as she's been saying things like this for years in my struggle.

I'm worried if I tell her, she'll say 'Well, you upset me when you s/h' etc

Thanks for everyone's insight xxx

[Perna]

I think she's just not thinking and giving in to stray thoughts/associations going on in her head. How long has she been a therapist and/or what is her training? I'd stop her in her tracks when she asks a question or makes a statement not germane to what you are talking about, as in, "How does your question relate to what I am discussing right now?"

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Rect0pathic

Hi all,

I saw t earlier and was speaking about my infertility issue. This is a huge thing for me at the moment and a dark cloud over my head.

So, I was telling T about my feelings and she suddenly says 'Do you watch that show 10(?) kids and counting on TV?" And goes into a 5 minute rant about the family on the show and all the babies etc.

Honestly, I just wanted to get up and walk out. The pain I've cried over so much with her and all of the private emotions I've spoken to her about, all felt invalidated. This isn't the first time, she also speaks about the newborn next door.

I just wonder why she does this (see title) I don't understand why she doesn't put two and two together. I know therapy is supposed to push you but things are very difficult at the moment and T knows I don't have the strength.

These feelings you have, about how you feel when she talks about babies, are not universally shared by those who have had trouble with infertility. I've had multiple struggles with infertility that lasted a very long time, but I didn't think that people talking to me about other people's babies and children were being insensitive. In fact, I wanted to hear about pregnancies and babies because it gave me hope that it could work out for me. And I know of other women who have struggled with infertility who were hurt because others did precisely what you think should always happen-- not talk about these things that are totally normal, and joyful. Other people's joy over their pregnancies and births and parenting has never hurt me. You are not alone in feeling this way, and it is not wrong for you to feel this way. But I do think it is wrong for you to insist that everyone in your shoes would feel this way and therefore everyone should react to you or someone with infertility problems the same way. I think you could have simply said to your T, "it's too hard for me to hear about other people's children right now, could you please stop talking about it". This would mean that you took responsibility for your own feelings and needs, rather than making it your T's responsibility to not say x, y, or z. This isn't just a fertility issue, it's any issue we have in therapy with what our T's do. We need to give them feedback about what isn't working for us, otherwise we're just shooting ourselves in the foot waiting for them to figure it out, or being angry because they can't read our minds. You can switch T's and I think it's not a bad idea to see someone who has more expertise or experience with infertility, but unless you deal directly with what does and doesn't help you rather than expecting what you want to magically appear, it might not work out any better for you.

[Raging Quiet]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

These feelings you have, about how you feel when she talks about babies, are not universally shared by those who have had trouble with infertility. I've had multiple struggles with infertility that lasted a very long time, but I didn't think that people talking to me about other people's babies and children were being insensitive. In fact, I wanted to hear about pregnancies and babies because it gave me hope that it could work out for me. And I know of other women who have struggled with infertility who were hurt because others did precisely what you think should always happen-- not talk about these things that are totally normal, and joyful. Other people's joy over their pregnancies and births and parenting has never hurt me. You are not alone in feeling this way, and it is not wrong for you to feel this way. But I do think it is wrong for you to insist that everyone in your shoes would feel this way and therefore everyone should react to you or someone with infertility problems the same way. I think you could have simply said to your T, "it's too hard for me to hear about other people's children right now, could you please stop talking about it". This would mean that you took responsibility for your own feelings and needs, rather than making it your T's responsibility to not say x, y, or z. This isn't just a fertility issue, it's any issue we have in therapy with what our T's do. We need to give them feedback about what isn't working for us, otherwise we're just shooting ourselves in the foot waiting for them to figure it out, or being angry because they can't read our minds. You can switch T's and I think it's not a bad idea to see someone who has more expertise or experience with infertility, but unless you deal directly with what does and doesn't help you rather than expecting what you want to magically appear, it might not work out any better for you.

Thank you for sharing your experiences.



However, T does know how I feel about other people's fertility; birth announcements etc; I'm fed up of telling her when the comments she says have no purpose and come out of nowhere. Why is she telling me about a 6 month old baby upstairs? The name of this baby etc? Surely her neighbours have confidentialy away from me?!

Take care.

[rainbow8]

I'm sorry you're struggling with infertility. My H and I went through it for many years so I understand where you're coming from. People can be SO rude but they don't realize it and aren't trying to be hurtful. I still remember how hurt I was when someone saw me with my d. and said "time for another, isn't it?" It wasn't a friend even. It was none of that person's business!

I think that a T should be more compassionate, though. What I wonder, though, is: you've seen this T for 7 years and you haven't told her how you feel? She doesn't know? That makes me feel that she's not the right T for you anymore. I think it's an excellent idea to see a T who specializes in infertility. Most likely, she's gone through it herself. Good luck! With starting a family and with a new T if you choose to see the ones you found. I would talk to your T about how you feel, though. After 7 years, she ought to know why you're quitting if you do.