[Daisymay]

I don’t know how to decide whether to carry on seeing my T or not.

Seven years ago I took my then young son to have sessions with her due to problems he was having with OCD. She helped him (and me) such a lot. He has mild asperger’s syndrome and around that time we also discovered my husband has it too. Stressful life living with him and the sessions turned into sessions for me – ongoing and longterm.

So, seven years on I still have (usually) monthly sessions. Sometimes more often if things are particularly difficult. Sometimes I can go longer – three months on one occasion.

I have a sister who has a schizophrenic type illness and that also has quite a big impact on me. Two years ago we lost our Mum and then a few months ago Dad died.

What I get from T is someone who listens, encourages and sympathises, says a lot of wise and useful things and generally keeps me on track with using my coping techniques.

I do have a couple of close friends and can confide in them. But I feel quite a lot that my life is really different to other peoples’. My family, especially my kids, because of the Aspergers on my husband’s side and mental illness on my side of the family, doesn’t do things the same way as other peoples’ families! I feel different. I always have.

I find myself avoiding telling friends certain things and telling T instead. Should I still be doing that? Shouldn’t I, by now, have found a way to trust friends enough and develop the two-way trust and mutual support that friendships are supposed to give?

I’m worried that I might be doing something wrong by continuing to see her. She says there is no limit to how long I need her. She gives me a lower fee rate. If I ever push myself to deliberately space out the sessions so that I’m forcing myself to rely on my own resources and not contact her then she tells me this is not wise or necessary and that I should allow myself to have the support I need. She maybe sees me as a carer- which in one sense I am.

I’m not convinced that I’m a carer! My husband might have AS but he is very intelligent and capable and has a good career. He does have a lot of stress related problems and reactions, yes. I’m often calming him down and sorting things out for him. That impacts on me and at times drives me crazy! His inability to give me any emotional support or to even reciprocate, converse normally leaves me feeling drained and very depressed at times.

I see the way things are in my life the way they always will be. The things that cause me stress aren’t going to disappear. So, does that mean I will always need support? It probably does. But should that support continue to come from a therapist or do I need to find another longer term solution?

I can’t imagine managing without T completely. I am very attached to her. She feels like a cross between a reliable friend and a therapist. It feels to me that we have a strong bond. But, if I forced myself to leave her then would I find alternative types of support – maybe in friendships or something else. I've changed a lot in the years I've been seeing this T - in a lot of ways I'm a completely different person! These days I can mostly just be me and not worry so much about what other people think of me. But, I think there is a strong chance I would just end up finding another T if I left her because I don't think (I may be wrong) that I could find whatever it is I get from having a client/therapist relationship in anything else.

I think once you have found someone who seems to provide you with the 'strength' you need then it is very hard to decide you can manage without them and provide yourself with that 'strength'.

What do you think? Anyone else feel like this?

[archipelago]

I can hear that you are torn, but I'm not sure why you would want to leave your therapist. It sounds like there are enough reasons, the strong bond and the lack of support elsewhere, to keep going. Perhaps you want to test yourself or find other ways? I don't have an answer; just curious.

I myself enjoy therapy so much that I'll probably do it for a while, even if I no longer really need it. I haven't gotten to the point yet, but I can imagine it. But then the kind of therapy I do is exploratory mostly and it's not the kind of thing that you can do with anyone else, even a friend. It's just different, but exactly what a therapist is good at.

[stopdog]

I think if a person wants to keep seeing a therapist and is finding it useful in some fashion and can afford it, there is no reason not to keep doing it.

[Syra]

I agree with StopDog. A good therapist is in some ways an ideal person to keep in your life. There is little to any family politics, or hurt feelings (after you find a trustworthy and skilled one), and no need to reciprocate in any way but paying for their time. They make no other demands outside of therapy back (and I'm of the persuasion that Ts shouldn't make demands wtihin therapy except to stay safe. I know others thing Ts should challenge the client. I don't go to those Ts)
If it takes the place of trusting others and developing close friendships, then probably not so ideal. But if it supports you to do the things you want to do wtih your life, I think it's a great idea.

Originally Posted by Daisymay

I think once you have found someone who seems to provide you with the 'strength' you need then it is very hard to decide you can manage without them and provide yourself with that 'strength'.

What do you think? Anyone else feel like this?

I think it is quite common and healthy to have support systems in place, and for some people those support systems come in the form of paid professionals.

I suspect I'll probably always have one or two of those paid professionals at my disposal pretty much the rest of my life on and off, and that is okay with me. I'm a really strong individual, but I have a probably more stressful than average life. I have a chronically and seriously ill husband, a special needs child, a diagnosed mental illness, etc. Sometimes, as strong as I am, it is all a bit much, and having a therapist and/or a pdoc to use as support is a vital necessity. I'm strong, but I'm not invincible.

Needing support is normal and human. What kind of support a person needs or chooses is completely up to them, but at least they are healthy enough to know that they can't always do it all alone.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Daisymay

I think once you have found someone who seems to provide you with the 'strength' you need then it is very hard to decide you can manage without them and provide yourself with that 'strength'.

What do you think? Anyone else feel like this?

I don't agree. When I was in school and took a child development class, I remember learning that the most secure babies were the ones who were generally responded to when they cried, and not routinely left to "cry it out." The logic behind it was that if the baby knew someone would come if they got in trouble, they felt more confident trying things.

I think therapy is like that. And everytime I've been in therapy, there came a time when I just didn't feel the need for reassurance or a sounding board, or whatever, and I happily skipped off into the sunset. I've never had a time-limit on my therapy. But the day came that all of a sudden I didn't look forward to T because I'd rather be taking a walk or visiting with a friend. ONe time I slowly weaned myself. I'm reminded of a Anais Nin quote:

“And the day came
when the risk to remain tight in a bud
was more painful than the risk
it took to blossom" Anais Nin

[manymiles]

Yes I feel like this sometimes too. I'm sorry for you losses and the things you have been going through.

I think it's Ok to trust yourself and that you will get your needs met as they come up. You need T now so allow youself that. If you want to experience reaching out to others more too, allow that. You can do that while staying with T or if later you need to take a break that is fine too. If you are growing and it is helpful then to me it makes sense to continue. I believe that there will be a time when it's right to stop, that staying does not feel productive, when that happen then go. You don't have to go now thinking that you "should" be at that place already.

[Anne2.0]

I think that therapy is one way to practice self-care in the overall stressful context of life. Or said another way, going to therapy can be part of an array of tools that you can use to take care of yourself. I don't see therapy so much as having the help of a professional as opposed to me doing the work and taking better care of myself because I'm in therapy.

I have a very stressful job where I need to be very emotionally present and where my performance can make a very big difference in people's lives. I work with severely traumatized people exclusively, and vicarious trauma from this work adds to the overall stress.

For most of my career, I've not been in therapy. Life and work are much better when I am. I don't think I will ever not be in therapy-- maybe I will reduce the frequency from 1/week to 1/every other week or months. Also, I heard a talk by a well known mental health professional who specialized in vicarious trauma. She writes into her work contracts that they will pay for her to go to therapy 1/month. She might even call it self care.

I feel like I have good friends, but there is still something that therapy does for me that support from friends does not. The ability to explore my inner life and to observe myself in a way and in detail and with freedom the way I can in therapy, is not really replicable in other relationships-- even with my H, who I generally feel I can talk to, and with several good friends, who I am very close to. My perspective is that there is nothing wrong with wanting to stay in therapy and continue to make yourself a better person, even if you don't "need" it as a technical matter.

[Daisymay]

Thanks for your replies, they've really helped me think things through.

Syra, I like the Anais Nin quote too. I've had that experience too, of being happy and ready to move on from another therapist I saw a few years ago (actually alongside the one I'm still seeing). I was seeing her about an issue in particular and just grew through it all and, as you say 'skipped off into the sunset'. A great feeling!

What I'm realising though is that this time around it's totally different. Your last paragraph, Anne2.0, just really sums it up. That's how I feel too.

I don't know why it is that I'd never expect anyone else to live alongside a family with several individuals all on the autism spectrum and in addition be the one looking out for a learning disabled and schizophrenic sister without any support for themselves. I would never think anyone else should manage that - so why do I expect that of myself?

Probably what I need really is stop thinking I ought to give up the support - and keep developing the 'blossoming' bits of my life (which are just mine and free from all those needy people!) I guess it's the 'self care' really isn't it?

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I think if a person wants to keep seeing a therapist and is finding it useful in some fashion and can afford it, there is no reason not to keep doing it.

I agree 100%.

Now, there are times I feel like I 'don't belong there' or that I 'shouldn't be there' (talked about it today.. I have been in therapy for 6 years and I go twice/week) but that is something good to talk about with your T.

I think friends can be supportive, but in a lighter way. I could not feel the same support from even my closest friend, in my case my sister. No one knows me like T knows me and that's okay with me.

[1stepatatime]

Greetings
For me, talking with my therapist is a good thing because they are objective where a close friend or a family member may not be able to because they are personally involved. Therapists are trained to deal with all of the issues that bombard us...yes, a good friend may be able to help you but if you are feeling good about your relationship with your therapist then I would continue to see her, just my opinion...good luck!

[nonamecomestomind]

It sounds like the support you are receiving from t is still needed. Who wouldn't need support given your situation? And I am glad to hear someone else does therapy in an unconventional way, ie less than weekly. I go on a "as needed" basis, usually comes out to 10-12 times a year, not necessarily spread out evenly. But I often struggle with whether that is really therapy. Who knows?
I definitely understand where you are coming from.