[Anne2.0]

Some satisfying work in my garden was done yesterday. I slept terribly last night, and my stomach was bothering me in the pool this morning. I just did the water conditioning class, without the free swim afterwards. I feel like I need to detox.

I am wondering if I will call T today and ask for the sand tray room on Friday. I don't think I will. Better to call when he's in the office on Wed.

Am feeling okay right now. I'll see T tomorrow morning and have about half a dozen different topics to bring up; I'll tell him that at the outset and tell him what they are and go from there. I know we won't have time to cover them all but at this particular point in time I trust that T isn't going to fire me, at least not very soon.

And a close friend I've been worried about is doing so much better, and it's amazing how much better that makes me feel, too.

And I have been sleeping really well these last four or five nights. That does make a difference.

Today was a hard day for my son. In an odd way, it was probably a bit of a breakthrough for him, but it wasn't at all pleasant. He started having some really severe anxiety at school today and went to the nurse. She gave me a call and put him on the phone. He started crying when he heard my voice. He hasn't cried in years which has been part of his problem; he's really cut off his emotions. But today he FELT something, and he handled it well by going to the nurse for help. He also asked to call our T, so he got to talk to him a bit about what was going on. We did a lot of talking about feelings and how they can truly suck sometimes. I think he's okay for the time being (fingers crossed anyway) until he can see T (he's booked right now).

On a lighter note, I joined Curves again tonight. I had a membership about 8 years ago, and I enjoyed it, but about that time my bipolar symptoms went into full swing and I cancelled my membership. I decided that I'm doing a really good job of taking care of myself in all aspects except exercise. Next Monday I hit 50, and it is time to get this bod back into shape, and it will do wonders for my self-esteem and confidence to do this for myself.

Not sure what is going on with me but I feel so lonely lately. I feel like the endless pit of neediness again. All these feelings just make me want to contact my xT...

trying to convince myself that therse feelings will pass...

We got my husband in with a different pdoc. He wasn't comfortable with his current one, and he wasn't on insurance either, so my pdoc pulled some strings in his practice and got my husband in with another pdoc in his group. My husband said he immediately felt comfortable with her and that he was able to share things with her that he had not felt comfortable sharing with any other pdoc he has had.

My parents come in today for my youngest son's church confirmation which is Sunday afternoon. I'm looking forward to their visit. Dad is 82 and is going in for a shoulder replacement next week. Believe it or not, this will be the first time in his life he's been in a hospital or had surgery. He's nervous about it as this is not a regular shoulder replacement and will take much more therapy to get usage back. We're going to go to the new science museum that opened here about three months ago. That will be great fun. Ian is excited about his confirmation. He already received his James Avery ring from the family, and he'll also be getting a necklace from my brother-in-law. My sister who passed away two years ago and her husband are his Godparents, so that cross will be very special to him. It will be a very special day for him in so many ways.

I've been recruited for the Lutheran Hymn Festival chorus. The concert will be in late September with a choir of Lutheran choir members, both adult and children, singing the old Lutheran favorites. There is NOTHING like a large group of Norwegian and German Lutherans singing the great hymns in four-part harmony. Can't wait.

I finally see T this afternoon. Seems like it's been forever, but I think it's just been a couple of weeks. Lots to catch up on.

Yesterday my son saw his pdoc again. Pdoc and I spoke privately after son left the room. I reminded pdoc that I carry a bipolar diagnosis. He said that is on the table for my son, but he's not ready to make that diagnosis quite yet. He does show mood instability, but his changes in mood are very abrupt and short lived, even if it was rapid cycling. So we'll see. I was proud of my son though. He said that much of what he needs to work on is a therapy issue rather than a med issue. He seems to be finally accepting some responsibility for his behaviors over the years. That's a good sign.

8 1/2 days with students left!!! Yahoo!!! I am so ready to just be off for summer. It has been a difficult year all around, and I'm ready to play at the pool and play with my boys and read some good books and go to our family reunion and go to my parents' for a bit . . . .

At least the end of this school year will be normal and calm. For the last two years, I've had to move rooms, etc. as they were building our new school. This year there is no construction that disturbs any of our classrooms. It will be so much more relaxing than the chaos we've dealt with.

[jkbob]

I see T on Tuesdays. A couple weeks ago she suggested that I go twice a week then immediately said "but that would be too much, wouldn't it?" and I agreed. I would go twice a week. I think I'd like/need to go twice a week. I do tell her that I get really anxious before going and I even told her recently I'd rather run 5 miles than see her. And I hate running. I should probably be nicer, I suppose she has feelings too.

Sorry, didn't mean to turn this into some weird venting of my feelings.

[healed84]

Don't lose your voice rts... people need your input, they need to hear your words.

[rainbow8]

I had a pretty good week because I had places to go for 3 nights! I also did something rewarding on 2 of the days. I don't want to be specific about what I did, but it had to do with kids and books, usually a good mix!

Therapy was okay. I'm trying to use radical acceptance about it though I triggered myself when I thought about T's smile. I don't know if it's erotic transference or not.

I feel like I've been a bad wife. It's true that I've made my Ts more important than he is, but that's not really true. I live with him, not them. I don't know what my feelings are about my H; I've gotten used to the way things have always been, but, because of my T's situation, I wonder if I would have been happier with someone else. It's unproductive to think about that now. I have to live in the present.

I love yoga! My yoga teacher is almost like another T.

DBT was today. My check-in was about my H reading what I posted about him. I felt so ashamed, but when I got home he didn't say anything about it. Neither did I. But I'm sure it just adds to his not wanting anything to do with me. Afterwards, I privately told the leader about my T, and how it was triggering. She understands how it would be.

I visited my daughter and grandchildren for awhile. That was nice!

I'm very tired and hope I can get to sleep a little earlier than usual tonight.

A student just dropped in with a beautiful arrangement of flowers for me. She said it was my late birthday and just her show of appreciation for me. How sweet is that!

I had a really nice appointment with T yesterday. He was so pleased to see me happy and taking care of myself. He also had really positive things to say about my son. He said he'll be okay, which is wonderful to hear and actually believe considering where we've been with him over the last few months.

Nothing busier than the last two weeks of school. We've had something every night.

Anyway, I saw my pdoc Tuesday. He was pleased with how I'm doing so no changes there. I didn't expect any.

Still waiting for the chorus audition results. They had a series of concerts last week of Carmina Burana, so I'm sure audition results weren't top priority until the concert season was over. Plus, I doubt he wanted to deliver bad news to any current members until after the concerts, but hopefully I'll hear one way or the other in the next day or so. I just want a nay or a aye.

Our girls' softball team has made it to the state tournament, so kids are really hyped up at school. In fact, we have a community pep rally this morning to see them off to Austin. Very exciting and entirely distracting and disruptive, but who cares! This is a huge deal for our school. We're having fun!

Tonight is a band concert and a choir meeting, both at the same time in the same school. My husband and I are tag teaming it. He gets the concert, and I get the choir meeting. Two in high school next year in two different major activities. It's gonna be busy!

Found out today that I was accepted into the Dallas Symphony Chorus. Wow. I am so floored and excited. This is going to be a grand adventure.

[stopdog]

Chris - congratulations. I hope you have fun with it.

Chris I'm so happy for you. It's so nice to do something fun for yourself

Well done, Chris - that's such great news!

Thanks guys. It is a huge time commitment, but I am so excited to work with this caliber chorus on challenging music. It is going to be fun.

[Miswimmy1]

I am doing ok. Better day than I have in a while. I've been trying very hard to not isolate and so I went out with friends yesterday. I also got some fresh air and some vitamin d yesterday so I'm feeling pretty good. A little bit worried about losing weight because I have no appetite on a new med I'm taking but other than that, anxiety is about a 2 on a 1-7 scale (that's how I rate my anxiety). Depression is probably also a 2. So it's an ok day!

The good news is that I have one more period of students and I'll be ready to start my summer.

But right now everything seems like bad news. I've been aware that my husband hasn't been doing well lately. His thinking has been a bit paranoid, and he's fallen into that BPD cycle of thinking I don't love him and that I'm going to leave him. I HATE this! I hate feeling like the enemy in my own home. I hate being accused of things that aren't real because my husband is fairly delusional at this point. T called me yesterday afternoon to let me know he is concerned about my husband's safety at this point. I hate those phone calls. My husband needs to be hospitalized, but he is refusing to go. So I don't know if the next phone call I get will be telling me that he has jumped off a bridge or hotel balcony or taken an overdose, etc. I will try to reach his pdoc today to see if she agrees it is time to admit him. Unfortunately, it may have to be done involuntarily. Did I say I HATE this?

Ah, Chris, that must be terrifying. Thinking of you and hoping for the best.

Just when I think things are going better with my H... he says something that to someone on the outside would be so benign... but he knows the truth and so do I so it is like a dagger to the heart....

I'm probably just being too sensitive...

My husband is in the hospital. He had just not been right all week. He was having severe tremors, to the point that he couldn't feed himself, and became very disoriented and incoherent. I took him to the ER last night, and his lithium level was 3 times normal and his kidneys were shutting down. They did dialysis during the night which got the lithium level down and got his kidneys working, but he's still having the neurological problems. No idea exactly what set this off. It is hard to tell if the kidneys started shutting down first which caused the lithium problem, or vice versa. He has so many health issues that play off of each other.

Our T and pdocs have all been checking on us, and I'm home this early under strict orders from all of them to get some rest as I had very little sleep last night. This truly has been an awful month.

Chris, you and your H will be in my prayers. I'm glad you are following orders to take good care of yourself. Its good he is in the hospital where they can take care of all of different health issues...

[mandazzle]

I feel like absolute ****. Today has been horribly emotional because I have come to the realization that I think my T does not really care about me. I feel that I am a burden to her and that she doesn't want to see me. I'll talk about it in group on Monday and see what kind of feedback I get from the group. I see her on Tuesday and Wednesday which I am dreading at this point. I don't know if I can even handle being around her, nonetheless talk to her.

My husband has gone into complete psychosis. He hallucinates constantly. This evening he started screaming and pulling out his iv and monitors. They had to give him haldol to calm him down so he wouldn't hurt himself by trying to get out of bed (he is physically not stable enough to walk.) They don't know what is going on with him at this point. I'm overwhelmed.

[FourRedheads]

Oh wow, Chris, how scary. I'm sending prayers and good thoughts.