Praying for you and him, Chris.

[stopdog]

Chris - I hope it gets better soon.

Chris that is very scary. You and your H are in my prayers. I hope they are able to stabilize him quickly.

[1stepatatime]

Chris,
Sending well wishes, positive energy and prayers to you and your family

[Mapleton]

The start of the weekend was very hard. There was the start of a life plan beginning to form, where I thought maybe... just maybe I could climb out of this exceedingly deep hole I'm in. Then this seemingly insurmountable obstacle comes up, regarding the plan (something to do with college admission.)

I just felt like I crashed back to the bottom of the hole... so hard... that I didn't want to get back up. Just the worst type of morbid thoughts. Right at the end of the weekend I got revised information that it was probably going to be okay, and the plan was still a possibility. It was a bit elating.

I'm not bipolar. I'm not borderline. I'm not even used to mood swings. This is just exhausting.

Today, I had a bit of an epiphany; everything, for me, comes back to trust. Its my most fundamental issue, of myself and of others.

I think that's incredibly common here (how many posts at their heart, are just about... how do I trust myself/T/others?)

We just cope in different ways. I cope by trying to control (and/or know enough about a situation,) and if that's not possible, to avoid. Having neither of those options, and I simply melt the hell down.

Welp. 10 days to therapy. Time is cruel. I'm pretty okay today.

There are days, like today, where I can look at my life pretty objectively... my childhood was full of abuse, chaos, and general instability. I know what some of those childhood issues have caused in my adult life. I've learned ways to cope with those adult life issues...

Isn't that all we can expect from therapy? I'm thinking its time to stop. To expect more feels like when my xT used to say "I don't have a magic wand"... no one can change what happened in the past... it can't be undone... most we can hope for ist to move on using all the new coping skills...

Today was finally a better day for my husband. They did a lumbar puncture this morning to rule out any infections/issues they may be missing. He was more alert and lucid though. He is beginning to realize that he has been hallucinating and suffering delusions which is a step in the right direction. He's just still very confused and is trying to figure out what has been real and what has been in his head over the last week. Most of it has been in his head unfortunately, so he gets upset about his confusion.

The body tremors are pretty much gone. He fed himself for the first time today. The boys went up to visit him this afternoon which was good for him. I'm hoping he'll come home sometime this weekend if all continues in this positive direction.

Thank you for the nice PM's. We've also had nice support from our church which has been helpful.

I'm very, very tired but staying home this evening to rest a bit. At times like these you just do what you have to do. All else is trivial.

Scott was finally moved off the progressive care unit into a regular hospital room yesterday. His biggest challenge now is to get back enough strength that he can go home. So far he has only been able to take a few very assisted steps. I'm figuring about two more days.

We got my husband home today. He's very, very weak and needs help doing just about everything at this point. This is a different kind of stress, relocated to home.

Sending you and your family positive thoughts, and the strength to help your H get well.

Chris, you and your family are still in my prayers. Please accept any help that will alleviate some of the stress for you... meals from church members, etc...

I'm surprised they sent him right home if he is so weak... sometimes they suggest a rehab center stay to get strength and mobility back..

Please be kind to yourself...

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Chris, you and your family are still in my prayers. Please accept any help that will alleviate some of the stress for you... meals from church members, etc...

I'm surprised they sent him right home if he is so weak... sometimes they suggest a rehab center stay to get strength and mobility back..

Please be kind to yourself...

He'll be going to outpatient rehab for physical therapy if I can convince him to go. Damned stubborn man!! He didn't qualify for inpatient rehab, although he did qualify for assisted living if that makes any sense, but assisted living is generally for the elderly which would not fly with him (or me really). We've been through some 15 or so surgeries and various incapacities in our 26 years together; we always manage, but the first days are tough as I do it alone and he's a big man. Each day will get a bit better.

It has suddenly occurred to me that sometimes we have a conflict within ourselves.. like if you feel a certain way or want a certain thing that you may have been told your whole life or have thought that it isn't "right" or "moral" or "normal"...

I think having that kind of conflict going on in your head can cause a lot of problems...

I have no idea what to do about it...

[lemon80s]

I am acting out. I never act out. It must be a side effect of therapy and having to leave therapy. I feel like a 16 year old unstable kid. Haha.

Well its been a month since I've stopped seeing T2. I don't miss her which is a huge relief because leaving xT was heart wrenching.... I did a good job of not letting myself get too dependent on her and since it was mostly CBT I didn't talk about a lot of deep stuff..

But what I do miss is having someone to talk to who could help me make sense of my feelings.... oh well I'm sure it will pass in time...

[Moodswing]

I had a really good day. Hiked in the White Mountains with a group of 10. I only thought about how I hate my body and if I could only lose weight about a dozen times instead of all day. I kept all my food I ate. I only ate 1 apple, 1 chicken sausage(breakfast)baby carrots(snack on the mountain), I ordered a grilled chix salad but only ate the chicken and sweet pot fries(late lunch off the mountain).

I also did not feel needy today and felt like I am being ridiculous,like my husband said nothing is wrong with my life, and should not be in therapy.

It has been a nice weekend. First bit of normalcy in a long, long time. My niece came in Friday to attend the family reunion. I haven't seen her in a couple years, so it is wonderful to have her around for a few days.

Yesterday, we walked the mall and enjoyed the day together as a family. The boys were wanting to add the game "Sorry" to our family game night repertoire, so we found it and played it last night. Lots of fun. We've probably owned that game a jillion times over the years and have thrown it away for missing pieces just as many times. Maybe this time it will finally stay intact.

We watched the movie "Hyde Park on Hudson" about FDR and King George. Good movie. Quite interesting.

Tonight my youngest got on a "it's time to start getting ready for school" kick and wanted to start reviewing/preparing for world geography and algebra, so he and I found some apps he can work on in his quest to be prepared. He is SO not like his older brothers. They would never have cared about getting ready for school. This one is my over achiever and perfectionist. Just like his mother. Poor thing.

Chris, off topic, but we keep a big ziplock of miscellaneous game pieces. We had to re-buy Risk and Monopoly, so we kept all the pieces of both those games that we still had. Then when we lose parts of the new game, we substitute ones from the old game. Also, we have played Sorry with pennies as game pieces, or jelly beans, etc.

[Seshat]

I feel therapy is working better than ever. I still have trouble telling T the embarrasing stuff, but at least I can be myself in therapy.

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Chris, off topic, but we keep a big ziplock of miscellaneous game pieces. We had to re-buy Risk and Monopoly, so we kept all the pieces of both those games that we still had. Then when we lose parts of the new game, we substitute ones from the old game. Also, we have played Sorry with pennies as game pieces, or jelly beans, etc.

Oh, I know, but after a game has been demolished by a three year old, sometimes it's just easier to start over. My youngest was death on anything with many pieces. You should have seen what he did with his older brother's Star Wars Lego collection.

A bit of coolness tonight. The chorus updated its website with the new member roster, and tada!, there I am! Sure, I had my welcome to the chorus letter and list of rehearsal and concert dates, etc., but there is something about seeing my name officially on the website that makes it feel a bit more real. Happy feet!

My father is in the hospital. He is 82 and always healthy as a horse, but he had a couple of bouts of pain this morning and thought he was having a heart attack. Apparently his heart checked out fine, but they aren't sure what caused the spells, so they are keeping him for some testing. This same kind of thing happened one other time some 20 years ago, and they never found a cause then either, so we just have to see how things transpire over the next few days. I know he and my mother are disappointed that they've had to cancel plans to attend the baptism of their 2nd great grandbaby, but at least this happened before they had left town. They have my sister right there and many good friends for support.

T checked in with me yesterday as I haven't been able to go for a session in a couple months. That was nice of him. He's been keeping in touch knowing this has been a horrible few months for us. He's a good guy.