[nessaea]

Just checking in again - kinda nice to have a place to go.

I'm not doing super well today. Been a bit of a rough weekend, and I'm feeling pretty drained. I'm trying to do all the right things in terms of "getting better" - I'm getting outside, going for walks, spending time with people - and I can almost function like a normal human being when I do that. But I can only handle it for a little bit, and then as soon as I come back home, it's like I turn off the mask of happiness and I just crash. I have all these things I have to do, like do my taxes and my thesis, that just are not going to get done in time and will have major implications on my life. I feel like I need help in how to figure these things out, but every time I go to see my T, I'm too ashamed of how badly I've screwed everything up to tell her about it. I talk to her about how I'm feeling, but I mostly just avoid telling her about the consequences of that.

So, today I'm feeling really anxious and helpless and hopeless. I see my T on Thursday, which will be nice (she wants to see me every week until we end therapy in two months...which is also freaking me out!) but I have a million things to do between now and then and I really don't think I'm going to get them done. And I'm scared.

Hi, all. I used to post under a different username (Apteryx), but I asked to have that account removed a few months ago.

I'm really not doing well. I'm working hard in therapy, and have been seeing my T for almost a year now, twice weekly since November. I just feel overwhelmed with my own inability to get better. I see T tomorrow morning. As always I have lots of things to bring up, but don't really know how to do it. Thank goodness for T. He is pretty much my only source of stability right now.

[SallyBrown]

It's good to see you again, Mastodon-formerly-known-as-Apteryx . I'm sorry things are so hard. You're not unable to get better, it's just extremely hard to fight a battle against your own mind. I wish it were easier for you.

[Lamplighter]

I like the idea of posting on this thread, so here I am. Hugs and good wishes to everyone else here, I haven't had a chance to read it all through but wish everyone well all the same.

I just wanted to post while I'm feeling relatively stable about therapy, started with a new T a few weeks ago and it seems (touch wood) to be going well. So for a change I'm posting on a check in thread in a relatively positive mood. Got T tomorrow so will be interesting to see if my mood stays positive .

Mastodon I remember you, we never spoke but I enjoyed reading your posts, so welcome back

I had a great day with my students today. After all that laundry, I just wanted to stay in bed, but 1st graders as a pick-me-up are so much better than a stiff drink.

I saw my therapist today, and we had another great session - progress, every interaction with her. And, on my own.

I thought my yawning, and sleepiness was because she didn't see me yesterday - the jealous sibling. "You wanted to see me, and I refused." Her words not mine. I told her I felt okay with her saying NO. After exploring things with me it turned out to be three things, but mostly be about how I see housework - punishment for my sex. Three brothers, and me the only girl forced me to do what my parents saw as 'women's work. Even though my brothers were taught to do women's work they were also expected to do outside work - I was not allowed. My dad did teach me eventually to change a tire, and the oil by nagging him. My three brothers still have no idea how to change a tire, and they don't do housework, and very little yard work - hire someone. None of us no how to cook. We've all moved up since the sixties, and seventies. Except, my fortunes fell after my divorce, and I've never really adjusted.

Fast forward with my own teenager. I used to do everything or hire someone when I could, but he became a proverbial slob, and doesn't even bus his dishes anymore without a reminder. I refuse to pickup after him. Then our house looks like a cyclone. The kid is stubborn, and waits me out mostly. We're still working on this.

The other part of being sleepy was avoiding writing to important letters - my fear of writing. Today, I did ask another teacher to help me - before I saw my therapist.

The third part is what kind of relationship I want to have, and will have with my therapist when therapy is over; friend or life time therapist? If I decide on friendship there is no going back.

This all led to the Need for too many ZZZZzzzzz.

The worry about the future relationship we figured out is tied to old, old stuff: will I be accepted,will the friendship be one-sided, etc. - am I enough?

My sister somehow has managed to talk me into auditioning for the Dallas Symphony Chorus. (How do sisters manage to do these things to us?) So I'm working on preparing a solo audition piece, and I'm going to go into this for the fun of the audition and not really worry about being picked. I really don't think I will although my sister is convinced I will. She's a choir director with a beautifully gifted voice, so I've never quite met up to her talent vocally. But I do have a strong choral voice, I know how to blend, I sight read like a dream, and know my theory, so I guess, who knows . . . . I haven't had a vocal audition since way back when, so this should be a bit of an adventure. I also have to take a music theory test and sight-read for them, but I'm not worried about either of those.

Saw T yesterday and we spent a great deal of time talking about sleep and medication issues. He's glad I'm doing well, and is really working with me on setting some boundaries in my life that we allow me to take care of me. He's thrilled to hear I'm auditioning. I need a little spice in my life. Today I see pdoc.

Still working on catching up at school, but I'm definitely getting closer. I'm down to 4 sets of essays. Yuck. I just need to sit still and make myself plow through them.

Had a really nice summative evaluation/review yesterday. She was very complimentary. The best part is that she felt comfortable asking me about my bipolar illness and asked if I was willing to explain some things about it and how I know when it is time to go into the hospital. She told me to never put school before my mental health; they can always find ways to keep my classes going if I have to suddenly go inpatient. I am so fortunate to work in a supportive environment.

I saw my pdoc yesterday afternoon. He was glad to see me doing well. We talked about my finally seeming to really come to terms with my diagnosis and meds. I know I have struggled with it; it is hard to own mental illness, but it is vital that I do so if I have any hope of lasting stability. My T is working with me on this, particularly the things that make acceptance difficult for me.

Tonight I get to help my son make his confirmation stole. Then I'll be working with the church choir director to pick out a solo for my chorus audition. Should be fun.

[BonnieJean]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

Hi, all. I used to post under a different username (Apteryx), but I asked to have that account removed a few months ago.

I'm really not doing well. I'm working hard in therapy, and have been seeing my T for almost a year now, twice weekly since November. I just feel overwhelmed with my own inability to get better. I see T tomorrow morning. As always I have lots of things to bring up, but don't really know how to do it. Thank goodness for T. He is pretty much my only source of stability right now.

It is good to see you back! I'm sorry to hear you are not doing well.

[Anne2.0]

A week in the Caribbean away from my family and thinking about my work has been recharging and peaceful. Although I am an active participant in conference sessions, I don't talk much to people outside of the sessions. I have little interest in being part of that attention-seeking thing that people do at conferences. I also find that it takes so much energy to be around all these people that I just seek quiet and solitude during the off hours. Today, rather than going to a session and another bad luncheon, I'm going to swim and walk on the beach. It will be months before I'm able to be by the ocean again, and I have loved falling asleep to the sight and sound of the waves outside the window.

I have not done as much writing as I would have liked. I still have time today to finish what I started yesterday, and that is on my agenda. But in general, I feel a sense of peacefulness and well-being that has eluded me lately.

[1stepatatime]

Today was a good day. I am feeling more confident in dealing with some severe behavioral issues that one or two of the kids in my class have given me the pleasure of dealing with....sad for them because they are too little to have that many issues but I know that by being a consistent and positive force in their young lives hopefully they will develop a solid foundation to build upon.
Fighting a nasty cold but thankfully the cold Med. that I just ingested should kick in shortly....hope tomorrow is another good day

[rainbow8]

Thanks, Chris, for starting this thread again. I keep meaning to post because I like the format, but life has gotten in the way. Our basement flooded a couple of weeks ago, as did most of our neighbors. My H, being the pack rat that he is, had dozens of cardboard boxes filled with "junk" (not to him, though) piled up on top of each other. Of course the bottom ones are all wet, but not the top ones. It would have been easier if we would have had more water; then everything would have to go! Instead, I have to sort through stuff, and I have to do it mostly by myself. I threw out some books, and H took them out of the wastebasket. A lot of books got ruined, but he's trying to dry them out. I keep telling him it's sewer water, and not safe, but he doesn't listen! So, it's hard. Our computer only works in the basement, so I'm wearing a mask. The carpet has to be removed; it is still damp and smells awful! This is slow work for us, but I am glad because I've wanted to throw things out for years!!!

On the therapy front, I unleashed a lot of anger in my session yesterday. I have never done therapy the way I'm doing it with my T. The somatic experiencing is difficult for me, but I think it's going to be productive. My T believes in it very strongly, and she works hard with me. My other Ts used to work hard too, but I didn't feel like they were working WITH me. They weren't as involved, maybe because this therapy is different. I DO things, not just talk. I have to move, be aware of my body, look around the room, and look at her. She leads the sessions; she's in charge, and I like that. Of course I start out talking about whatever I want, or I bring in my artwork and we discuss it. Therapy is going well.

I could write forever, LOL. I'll stop for now.

Son's confirmation stole is finished. Audition solo piece is still being chosen. They sent me my audition date today: it is May 11. Dang that's soon, but I have some wonderful choir director friends who have offered their expert help in choosing the "perfect" piece for my voice and preparation. It's hard to believe I am really doing this. It's fun to prepare though and I'll enjoy the audition. Now, if I actually get chose none of you will ever hear from me again. This will be a HUGE commitment if it actually comes to fruition.

I told my pdoc I am auditioning, and he was surprised. Somehow in all these years we've been working together, he never realized I sing. Just hasn't come up before. He was impressed that I am doing this; he didn't know I had such hidden talents.

I'm almost completely caught up at school now, and lesson plans are written for the rest of the school year. June 6th can't get here fast enough. I'm ready for summer.

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

A week in the Caribbean away from my family and thinking about my work has been recharging and peaceful. Although I am an active participant in conference sessions, I don't talk much to people outside of the sessions. I have little interest in being part of that attention-seeking thing that people do at conferences. I also find that it takes so much energy to be around all these people that I just seek quiet and solitude during the off hours. Today, rather than going to a session and another bad luncheon, I'm going to swim and walk on the beach. It will be months before I'm able to be by the ocean again, and I have loved falling asleep to the sight and sound of the waves outside the window.

I have not done as much writing as I would have liked. I still have time today to finish what I started yesterday, and that is on my agenda. But in general, I feel a sense of peacefulness and well-being that has eluded me lately.

Your taking care of yourself has really helped me to do a little self care. I've always put others first. I'm headed to the ocean in CA for four days. My therapist is not letting me back out. Thanks once again for your posts. I do get a lot out of them, even when I don't agree. You have a gift with words.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Goingtogetthere

Your taking care of yourself has really helped me to do a little self care. I've always put others first. I'm headed to the ocean in CA for four days.

Hey, thanks for letting me know this. I hope you have a great time in CA and good for you for taking care of yourself.

[Anne2.0]

I am back home and I was actually happy to come back. Everyone from H to son to dog was happy to see me. Had good conversations with both of them.

I am pleased with the writing I was able to get done but it is slow going. I must have patience, and work on it everyday.

I suppose if people can write a whole novel in 30 days, I can finish this work project in about a year or so. That's a very modest goal.

[peridot28]

You know, every time I'd see "Chris" in your signature I would hope it was you, but then I saw it said you joined April 2009 as 1914sierra. Then, I got all confused and my hopes of it being you diminished, but great day and hooray, it IS you. Welcome back! Boy, do I miss your level-headed responses.

[Anne2.0]

Home is good. I was surprised that it felt good to return. I was very prepared to *act* like I was happy to be back, but it turns out I actually was. What a nice thing-- to enjoy being away, to be happy returning. I have a pretty good life.

I want very much to just chill out at home, but I scheduled a court hearing out of town that will take up most of my day. I chose this day, and I knew I would have just returned from vacation, so I have no reason to complain to anyone but myself.

A couple of voice mails remind me why I am closing up this part of my work, the communication is poor from my clients and then when their families triangulate, it usually gets worse. I keep thinking that I am the one who doesn't write or speak clearly, and then I look back at my letters, and see that I do. I realize the stress they are under, this being their last hope for freedom, and they've been burned by other lawyers, and it's really hard for them to trust, and they put so much faith in me. It is a privilege to be able to help them by representing them, but I have no faith in the justice system in this corner of it. It is sucking the life out of me, and I need to focus on where my expertise can best be placed, and the other work I want to do for myself.

I can look forward to tonight-- instead of cooking the sabbath meal, I will order pizza. I will look forward to the unhurried pace of connecting with my family, maybe a walk with the dog if the weather is good, and a little adult action with my H. This weekend I will reconnect with friends, return to my writing (I have a Wednesday deadline to submit my piece to my class for review), and otherwise get back into my life with joyfulness and intentionality.

Originally Posted by peridot28

You know, every time I'd see "Chris" in your signature I would hope it was you, but then I saw it said you joined April 2009 as 1914sierra. Then, I got all confused and my hopes of it being you diminished, but great day and hooray, it IS you. Welcome back! Boy, do I miss your level-headed responses.

Aw thanks, Periodot. I'm not on here quite as much since I came back from the hospital (life just hasn't slowed down), but I do drop in an read a few threads here and there.

[Anne2.0]

Yesterday my court hearing was canceled, and won't be rescheduled for another week. So I called up a good friend and said I wanted to drive to a nearby town, have lunch at the lake. She was free and open to being spontaneous, so we did. It was so nice to reconnect with her after a month or so of little contact. She wanted to go to the movies, but I said I'd promised my family I'd be around for dinner. And I'm glad that I did. My H brought up a hot issue for me for discussion, and I found myself standing my ground and being honest but gentle. He was more accepting of our differences than I've ever seen him, and he used very little of a favorite manipulation of his. It was actually a good discussion and I did not allow myself to commit to something that I didn't want to do. Actually, it kind of blew my mind.

Today my plan is a pick-up of my home office, scattered and disorganized since I returned from my trip. A friend canceled our coffee date, but that gives me more freedom to plan my day. I will get some writing down on my project, walk the dog as long as it doesn't rain, and maybe mess about in the garden for a bit. I am looking forward to the week ahead, where I have few very commitments and not a lot of structured work. Should be a good week to write.

My son had a great time last night as an escort for a special needs students at the Grand Ball. He was almost beaming with joy.

I have found my audition solo thanks to a couple of choir director friends who have been helping me with this little adventure. My audition is next Saturday morning. It's kind of exciting.

This evening the whole family is going to dinner together to celebrate my son's girlfriend's birthday. I love family outings. In fact, we will all be goin to the new science museum together the weekend our youngest gets confirmed. Even Granny and Papaw will be here to join in the fun.

[0w6c379]

Dear T,

Deleted

[Anne2.0]

Had a mild cold happen yesterday afternoon that messed up my eyes (made them all watery and sort of achy) and made me feel under the weather. I took some homeopathic flu remedy and drank a bunch of emergen-c and I feel almost completely better this morning. Had a good rest as well.

Even though I didn't feel that well, I was able to write some yesterday and I am continuing with it today. I should have my piece finished for my class when it needs to be, which makes me unspeakably happy. I have one out of two assignments already prepared for this week's class, which also makes me feel competent and engaged in my writing. I am most of all having fun in figuring out where it is going.

[rainbow8]

I'm all mixed up today. I'm going through stuff from the flood, and found the most beautiful notes from my daughter when she was little. She's now in her 20's and married. She wrote how much she loved me and wondered about the first time I held her. I read it and cried and cried. I washed them with water and put them outside in the sun to dry. I just can't throw them out, especially one of them. I'll xerox them.

At the same time, in between garbage bags, I'm googling my T because I realize I don't know where she lives now. I'm sure she'll tell me the general area if I ask her. I knew where she lived all of this time and didn't worry about it. Now things are different.

I think I'm in therapy love again. It went away for awhile but I found her photo online, a current photo, because of her learning SE. Part of me loves her so, so much even though it's transference. I don't think her smile is transference though. The nostalgia for the love notes from my daughter is mixing in with the caring my T gives me. I still hug my daughter and she still loves me, but now she has her own family to take care of. Back then, it was such pure love for me, her Mommy. I'm crying just because......she's all grown up now. I keep thinking about my T too. This has been a hard week for me.

Back to the papers. I sure wish my H would help by going through some of his papers that I want to throw out but he may want them. He's probably sleeping!

I'm sorry some of your most precious belongings got ruined in the flood, rainbow

You know... I know I have some maternal transference going on with my T, with some of the strong attachment feelings, etc.. but I still think that beyond that I still love and appreciate her as a human being and for who she is. And I do think I know something of who she is

I went to my first meditation class today. It felt very much like hypnosis, to me. I've not had much luck trying to meditate on my own, but today was good. The last few times I've been under hypnosis I've tended to feel spaced out afterwards, but today I felt more grounded.. I don't know if that's because it didn't take me to quite the same place, or if it's that something else was different. It relaxed me a LOT.. but I haven't been much use for the rest of the day! Came home, had something to eat, then fell asleep for a few hours. Maybe I needed to really rest?! I haven't been sleeping soundly lately.

I've heard from my T quite a lot this week.. some emailing back and forth, nothing lengthy but just really sweet positive messages that have made me feel cared for. I appreciate that so much. I'm feeling safe and secure in the relationship, like I was starting to feel last year, before we had the ruptures and attachment/rejection issues and push and pull that seemed to get into what seemed like an endless downward spiral! I'm so happy that we made it through to the other side of that. I'm so happy we gave each other that chance. I feel like now I am truly on my way to 'growing up' and being able to 'fly', and that T is there to support me, rather than feeling panicked and like I'm being pushed out of the nest!

Focusing on the positive. Feeling good

[Anne2.0]

I woke up this morning looking forward to my writing class. My assignments are completed, and the piece that I need to finish for next week's class is done. I will edit it today, and then send it out to the group. I am not sure at all that this is the right group to read my work, but any reader(s) are better than none.

Otherwise, my day today is packed with appointments and activities. I feel calm and rested today, I have been sleeping so well lately, I wonder if it is a factor in how calm and peaceful I feel. I can't recall when I was so jazzed about the day.

I will see T on friday, for the first time in three weeks. I am so looking forward to seeing him. I will also return to my larger writing group that day.