[nessaea]

Seeing my T today, and for the first time in a very very long time, I don't want to go. I just have a bad feeling about today, and I really wish I could cancel. But, alas, it is too late to cancel without getting charged, so I'm going to go.

Things have been weird lately - feeling very apathetic about life. My apathy is causing significant harm to me, because I'm not doing things that need to be done (like deal with school and work) and I'm essentially screwing up major areas of my life, but I can't even care enough to do it. I'm not really depressed, per se, but rather just feel like I don't want to do anything. I function fairly normally when there are people around, and am still being social, but I think that is my survival mechanism kicking in - if I were to let that go, people would notice. So I'm hiding it from everyone, but it feels like I'm doing it automatically. It even happens with my T, so I don't think she knows how bad things are. I was supposed to write some stuff out for her this week (because I can be more honest in writing) but I couldn't even get up the strength to do that.

Ugh, I feel so weird. Hopefully my appointment today goes well, but I just have a really bad feeling...

I had a really good T session this morning. I have been feeling mildly awful for quite a while, and T hasn't been going that well, but today I said a lot of random things without thinking too much about them, and T really came through for me, and things kind of fell into place a little bit. I am so lucky. And I'm feeling a lot better now, despite the fact that my next session is cancelled because Thursday is a public holiday.

[tinyrabbit]

Hey everyone,

I had a good T session today. I think my T might regret encouraging me to be less sensitive, as I've started being very sarcastic instead!

Rainbow, I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time and I'm so sorry about your belongings, I've had a flood before now (part of the ceiling collapsed in my old flat during a rainstorm) and know how gutting it is, and my stuff wasn't nearly so precious as that.

Anne, your writing class sounds really interesting, how often do you go?

Hi to everyone else!

Kind of a quiet week at school. Students have late arrival because of End of Course testing which doesn't affect our school and AP testing. I did have students come in this morning for a review session for our AP exam as it is this Friday, but now we're done and I'm taking a bit of a break for a few minutes.

My solo for the audition is coming along very nicely with the help of my choir director friend. I'm feeling good about the audition Saturday morning. Should be interesting and exciting. I have no idea if I'll be accepted into the chorus or not, but I'm just glad I took up the challenge to at least give it a shot.

I see T this afternoon which will be nice.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

Anne, your writing class sounds really interesting, how often do you go?

Thank you for asking after me-- my class (with assignments to complete, and a teacher who gives feedback) meets once/week. I am also part of a community writer's group where people read short pieces for the group. The first is a small group, the second a larger group. The first is a group where we study the craft as well as get feedback on our writing, the second is only a feedback group.

This is my first foray into creative writing and it's kind of scary, to put your stuff out there for critique and review. But it's also exciting and I find other writers working and putting their stuff out there inspiring.

[hezaa82]

I had my third session with my new T and I'm happy to say it's going well. I think she's a good fit.

She said something that made me happy - that people with problems need to talk about their problems. It made me happy because I've had so many people in my life get mad at me for talking about my problems too much, so it was nice to have her say that and make me feel less crazy. Of course she meant talking about problems to appropriate people - 12 step groups etc not friends and coworkers. But it still felt good to be validated that way.

Emailed my therapist. I hope she writes back.

[Anne2.0]

My sense of peace and well-being continued as I sent off my writing piece, talked to H about it, and just generally had a good day yesterday.

This morning, I realize that a parenting challenge awaits me. I want to come down on him like a ton of bricks for what I know is behavior that sets me off like nothing else. It is critical for my relationship with him as well as his own development that I resist my impulses and be gentle, calm, and firm about how his bad choices are messing him up. I don't know if I can pull it off, I'm kind of in "I must say everything I want to say so you hear me", but the reality is that he probably can't hear me unless I frame it in a way that he can. What I want to say and what he can hear are different things. At this point in the game, my needs need to be placed underneath his. I don't need to ramp up my power and control over him, although he also needs to understand that I won't tolerate certain kinds of behavior.

[manymiles]

Going to my first ever Pdoc apt today. Nervous, scared and hopeful. My hope is that this is the beginning of a different way of being, but then reality says it's a chase down another rabbit hole. I need my Dad today and he is in my heart always.

Had THE loveliest time with T yesterday. I feel like we're really doing some good therapy lately, and the relationship is going great. I'm feeling more secure in the attachment and finding it easier to hold on to the connection. As a result of all this I'm getting happier and more confident - in and outside of therapy. I'm really starting to feel able to push myself.. and I send my little reports to her, and she tells me she's proud... and I feel proud of myself, too! I feel like I'm establishing more of a sense of self, and starting to live instead of exist... feels like we turned a corner.. feels like I'm healing

[Anne2.0]

I am so eager to see T tomorrow and talk about the changes I am observing in my own communications with people. I don't know if he will get what a big change it is to be upfront with those I am closest to about how I feel, while being able to say it in a way that is gentle, encouraging, open to discussion-- rather than shutting the other person down with the forcefulness of my words or me shutting down the discussion by walking away or refusing to discuss it anymore. I have always thought that I use words as weapons, because I am really good with words, but now it's like I use my baseball bat to hit the ball to actually play the game rather than use it to hit people over the head. Not that I'm really into the sports analogy of it all.

There is some way that I think my creative writing has influenced my ability to look deeper into myself, to be a better observer of myself. I think that by writing down my experiences, and focusing on communicating that experience to an imagined reader, it has sharped my skill at understanding me as well as sharing what's going on with me and other people.

And I don't believe it's an accident that my chronic pain issues have resolved themselves as well. I cannot believe that I have been pain-free, or had such minimal pain, for weeks now. After almost 9 months, from severe and debilitating pain to more manageable pain, it's always been there. It's like I don't know who to be without it, it has felt like a constant if inconsiderate companion. So weird. However, my doc tells me that the minor procedure I'll have in 2 weeks will most likely set off the pain again. I'm prepared for that, but I also am prepared to be able to use all the skills I have developed-- including seeing my PT-- afterwards.

Off for a "writing day" with a friend of mine who has a lot of trouble writing. It's good for me to practice my writing in all kinds of spaces, as I'm trying to follow the advice of writing experts that you can fit your writing into the crevices and open slots in your life. You don't need a week of uninterruptions in order to get it done.

I also shared my writing-- the longest piece I've done towards my project-- with my H. I've read half a dozen pieces to my writing group and have not wanted to share with him before. I told him he didn't have to give any feedback, but he seemed happy that I was willing to share it with him-- as he asked.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

Had THE loveliest time with T yesterday. I feel like we're really doing some good therapy lately, and the relationship is going great. I'm feeling more secure in the attachment and finding it easier to hold on to the connection. As a result of all this I'm getting happier and more confident - in and outside of therapy. I'm really starting to feel able to push myself.. and I send my little reports to her, and she tells me she's proud... and I feel proud of myself, too! I feel like I'm establishing more of a sense of self, and starting to live instead of exist... feels like we turned a corner.. feels like I'm healing

I remember when you were really struggling and I am so very happy for you that you have come to this place. I am proud of you, too, for whatever that is worth. I have some sense of how difficult it has been for you to get here, and you very much deserve to live your life with intentionality and determination.

Thank you so much for sharing this. You are inspiring.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

Thank you for asking after me-- my class (with assignments to complete, and a teacher who gives feedback) meets once/week. I am also part of a community writer's group where people read short pieces for the group. The first is a small group, the second a larger group. The first is a group where we study the craft as well as get feedback on our writing, the second is only a feedback group.

This is my first foray into creative writing and it's kind of scary, to put your stuff out there for critique and review. But it's also exciting and I find other writers working and putting their stuff out there inspiring.

It IS scary, but it gets easier. I did some creative writing at uni and found the whole workshop thing so nerve-wracking.

I have an idea for a novel but need to actually write the darn thing. Maybe joining a writer's group would help. (I would never have time for NaNoWriMo.)

Having a tricky day, think I posted about this elsewhere but forget. Asked T for extra session (struggling a bit) and he didn't have any. Felt disappointed. Then he got in touch this morn offering a timeslot I just couldn't possibly do (I am self-employed and had a work thing I couldn't change without messing things up badly). I felt gutted that I couldn't say yes, but happy he offered something. Stopped me getting paranoid...

[lemon80s]

Therapy (3rd session) next week. And I found all my courage to email T with the short notice that I have decided to quit my studies. She needs to know since the session was gonna be about why I cant study. Obviously we still need to talk about the issues relating it. But yeh, she atleast knows beforehand where I stand. Mailing her to tell her this also makes my decision very 'official' feeling. So. Yikes. But YEAH.

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I remember when you were really struggling and I am so very happy for you that you have come to this place. I am proud of you, too, for whatever that is worth. I have some sense of how difficult it has been for you to get here, and you very much deserve to live your life with intentionality and determination.

Thank you so much for sharing this. You are inspiring.

Wow, thanks for saying this! What a thoughtful and lovely message to read. I'm touched!

[SallyBrown]

Leaving tonight for my first vacation in... wow, in almost three years. T told me today he'd miss seeing me while I was gone, and I will most definitely miss him. I am so glad things are going well between us now.

And I'm grateful for H, too. I had been so stressed thinking about this vacation and he just completely took over planning it without a fuss. Lately, too, I can tell him things that used to start a fight (e.g., "I'm too stressed to think about this vacation,") and there's no blowout or accusations that I don't appreciate him or that I think he doesn't do enough for me. I have no idea what has happened over the years, but finally we're a really effective team. Actually, I think one of the catalysts for these changes was my describing us as a "team" one day years ago, and he kind of paused and said he'd never thought of it that way, and that he liked it.

Work is really getting me down and is stressful in ways I can't even effectively describe, so to have two of my biggest supporters so behind me is pretty awesome right now.

My day was wonderful. I saw my therapist and gave her a Mother's Day card, and a small token of appreciation. An old friend that I don't get to see much took me out for a Mom's day lunch. Yesterday, another friend took me out to lunch. On Tuesday, I went to my standing coffee Klatch with six friends for three hours. What a week, thanks to my friends.

Since signing onto PC, I've connected with one or two people on the forum that I admire a lot, but not all the connections like other members. And, now I am more than okay with that. Because, I strengthened real life friendships, I renewed old friendships, and created new ones in my real life. I have learned to be comfortable with who I am - I am enough. I guess, before, I glamorized the couch - the psychotherapy forum in general. My therapist advised me to not be so hopeful, and look to real life. I'm glad I did. We both saw patterns on the forum that would not help heal me. One Poster even lied on me, with others hugging/thanking her/him. But, I'm glad it works for others, at least they have something if there are no RW connections.

I do feel there are a few gifted writers on PC, and I do like reading what they say, whether I agree or not. I learn from them. They are not afraid of telling their truth or speaking their take on situations in a respectful manor.

I've been sharing these thoughts with my therapist this week.

I'm glad she has just been arms length away while I was at my worst. I needed that, she provided that. im glad I decided to put my trust in her, and not elsewhere this past year. And, because of this trust, I am going to have the Best Mother's Day in the world on Sunday, because I have value, and I have worth - I am enough.

So, kiddo what's the plan?

[rainbow8]

I have aches and pains all over today. I must have hurt my foot when I was at the beach and it's hard to walk. I didn't remember how I did it, but now I recall jumping from a ledge to the sidewalk, not very far, but I think I underestimate my being out-of-shape and my age! If it doesn't feel better over the week-end, I'll have to see my podiatrist.

My allergies are terrible, but so are everyone's lately. I got my shot this week, took my allegra plus benadryl, and my eyes are itching like crazy anyway. My throat hurts again, but I hope this time it's the allergies. I must have moved too many boxes yesterday, and my side and back ache too.

I'm doing better with the emotional, though. I have not googled my T and I know I'm strong enough not to do it again. I talked about it in DBT today. I sketched 2 pictures from my watercolor instruction book, and if I'm not too tired, I'm going to paint an abstract picture, just for fun! Part of the motivation is that I love to take my paintings to my session. I put them against a chair that we call "the gallery", and then we talk about them. My T always loves what I paint, of course. She wants to know how I feel when I'm painting, and likes that I feel good most of the time.

I wish I didn't have these transference feelings for my T but when I'm busier in my life, they tend to fade into the background. If I think too much about her, like the googling, I get a little bit desperate to be with her. I know I have to live with those feelings popping up for me.

I was so embarrassed on Tuesday with her. I always post that I can tell her anything, but there I was, tongue-tied and afraid to tell her about the googling, and afraid to say how those parts love her and are in love with her. I was kind of stuck. She got me out of it, though.

I love when she asks me what would the tears be saying when I tell her I want to cry but I can't. It's almost like crying even though I'm not able to!

I am hopeful about the SE now. It's best if I concentrate on that instead of getting hung up with the transference stuff. It's hard to do, though, when my feelings are so strong.

The jealousy of her takes over, too. I wish I could sell my artwork or writing. My H asks why that matters to me. I guess it's because I want to be validated by other people. My T is trying to help me with those feelings too, by telling me that I'm special. I wish I felt special, though.

Maybe I will "write another letter to my Mom" since it's Mother's Day. That always makes me cry, though.

It's been a hectic morning. Today is AP testing for my students, and our testing coordinator didn't have things really set up to go. It meant the other AP Language teacher and I doing a lot of running around and getting things set, but we got them settled in and testing has begun. It is frustrating as this is a truly high-stakes test that most are counting on to earn them college credit which can be big bucks to them. She should treat this testing with the same care as any other testing she does, but it feels like she just threw this together. I won't have many students until this afternoon, so maybe I'll catch up with a bit of PC reading this morning.

My husband is not doing well physically or emotionally right now. He has RSD and his pain level is really high lately, and he did something to his shoulder and he can't move it well and it hurts a great deal. Pinched nerve or something; I don't know. He's seeing our family doc about it today. T had told me I needed to set a boundary with my husband about what he is/is not doing to take care of himself. He has basically been doing the opposite of what he needs to do to help himself, and his "absence" in our lives right now is obvious and not fair to me or the boys.

I was proud of myself. I did speak to my husband and insisted he make an appointment with a new pdoc since he is unwilling/unable to be honest with the one his has. He did do that and the appointment is next Wednesday. I insisted he get an earlier appointment with his pain specialist than what is scheduled so he can turn up his morphine pump and get some relief from his pain. He's working on that, but it hasn't happened yet. At least he's moving in the right direction.

T is concerned that my husband's state of mind is going to bring me down at a time when I am still recovering from my last episode/hospitalization. Setting those boundaries helped, but it is a challenge. My mood is a little on the low side; I wouldn't quite call it depression yet, but I'm watching it.

My chorus audition is Saturday morning. I've been rehearsing with a choir director friend, so I'm probably as ready as I'm going to be. It truly is a beautiful piece I am singing. It will be fun--nerve-wracking, but fun--to go through the audition. I haven't a clue as to whether I'll actually make the chorus or not. Last year they took in 29 new members to the chorus, so there aren't a huge number of spots. I have no idea how many people are actually auditioning, so I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

[Anne2.0]

It's started off to be a lovely day, with a swim and then a great T session. I knew that he'd be happy to hear about this place I am dwelling now in my own life, inside my own experience and observing it at the same time. It's had so many positive benefits for my physical and emotional well-being, it was kind of cool to run through them with him. There aren't a lot of people in my life who get this place where I am, or even necessarily want to be there, or who understand what a change this is for me, and how positive it is.

I am off to my writing group, with my piece prepared for reading. I think I will ask someone else to read for me, so I can concentrate on hearing it as opposed to reading it. Even asking someone to help me in this way is a big change for me. I also asked a friend to meet me later this afternoon to catch up, and I think that will be nice if it happens.

I woke up to a beautiful morning. I had to leave an hour early. Kiddo had an AP test today. He's taking the English test based on independent study. I hope he did well. I just wish he would study for test. Sixteen year olds think they know everything - at least mine does, and that's okay.

After a quick breakfast at my favorite coffee shop chain I saw my therapist. She was smiling, and so was I. We were actually beaming, and both at the same time asked, "Why are you smiling?" We laughed at this so much. I got in the second asking, so she had to answer. She said, she was happy to see me, and happy with how well I'm doing. Then she opened her arms, enveloped me tightly - I fit so comfortably - saying, "Happy Mother's Day GTGT." We stayed that way for two hours, talking, laughing, and doing therapy. Priceless - one of the best sessions I've ever had.

We have done only a few sessions like this ( held the whole session), because of my inability early on to tolerate touch, especially when I was in distress, and I needed it most - progress. Most our sessions we sit close to each other on her sofa, touching someway some how, and holding hands. Just recently have I been able to open my left fist, and allow her to hold or stroke my hand. Touch was so excruciating at times, up until a few weeks ago - more progress. I believe we have brought all of my shame into the light. Now, we understand it.

The last thing we have to work on is my fear of writing. She looked at a few of my postings yesterday, and I I woke up to two emails.

In response to my Dear T post, she wrote: "And you keep insisting that you cannot write! How clearly and eloquently you have expressed yourself. Thank you again - for the card and gift, for the work you have done,and the trust you have put in me. Love you."

In response to my post on the Daily Psych Check-in Thread she wrote: "What a wonderful plan - and you can have the best Mother's Day ever - because you are right, you have everything you need to do so: value, worth and being enough."

I'm happy, and a wee bit sad that our lovely journey is coming to an end. Her love, and care has been enough to make me - enough.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms of PC.

[Anne2.0]

I want to say Happy Mother's Day or GTGT and all the mothers on PC first. May we feel proud of having made different choices in our parenting than our parents did, and may we bask in the glow of giving our kids what we didn't get from our own childhoods.

This is a day to make what I want out of it. I am starting with cleaning up my desk/workspace and burning something energizing in my essential oil lamp. I know aromatherapy is one of those hokey new age things, but it works for me, hokey or not. I suppose I could do worse by having faith in things that do no harm. It should take me less than an hour to straighten, file, and wipe down my surfaces.

I am basking in the glow of yesterday, in the positive feedback in my writing group, and in the way I feel good about contributing to the feedback for other people's writing. I am so glad that I am in a space where I can listen to what other people write, where I can actually hear what they are saying, and that I can make constructive comments about how to improve it. I see the ways that people benefit from offering sincere appreciation for what is good about their writing, and I feel their gratitude for both the compliment and the suggestions for change. And I am happy that I am open to receiving and noticing this from other people, that I can really feel this from them. Just like I can feel their appreciation for what I write. This is relatively new for me, to be able to take in the good stuff from people, to accept what they offer me-- to not deflect it, deny it, be grateful for it. It's a good place. I did ask for a reader for my piece, and that was easily granted to me, and I enjoyed just listening (and occasionally watching people react). I loved it when I got to the "aha" moment in my piece, and they collectively said "aha"! It was sweet, and memorable, and a little piece of magic to hold onto the next time I feel meanness directed my way, somewhere in my world.

Today is going to be for me, and with the silence and solitude of my house right now, I am really happy and at peace. I will enjoy the reunion with my family later, but today I will listen to myself and relish doing the things that nurture and support me.

I am going to start by stepping away from people who do not attempt to nurture and support me, and the pettiness that typically accompanies them.

My audition went well -- about as I expected. He was complimentary of my solo and my sight reading skills. I still don't think I'll be accepted though; I just think they are looking for a caliber of singer one step up from where I am. We'll see. It was fun, and I'm proud of myself for going outside my comfort zone and even trying.

[rainbow8]

Yesterday I went to the podiatrist and got a cortisone shot in my foot! I wouldn't be able to walk without that shot! The dr. insisted I get this boot to wear outside but I don't think I need it. The x-rays showed no broken bones, so it's a sprain or torn ligaments.

I've done fine without googling my T so far. I painted one picture and started two others yesterday.

I also wrote a 4 page "letter to my Mom" for Mother's Day and emailed it to my T. She liked the one I wrote last year though it wasn't so long. It makes me sad, though. I don't think I ever said "I love you" to my mother when she was alive. I don't know why not, since I did love her. My Mom was the nicest person and I don't think she ever hurt anyone in her life! She wasn't mean like I am sometimes. I wish she were still here so I could call her up tomorrow and wish her a happy mother's day. I felt better after writing it, though. I asked a lot of questions but of course I won't get answers. I wrote it FOR my Mom about her and me, not about my T. I just want to get that clear. My Ts in the past suggested I do that, even though my Mom is deceased. It's comforting in a way.

I thought about my T too. I wish I could say "I love you" to her too. Maybe I said it once but it was hard. It's not transference. I love her like I love someone close to me--not my family, but more like a friend.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers here.

[Anne2.0]

I don't expect my H and son to do anything for Mother's Day today, as the "hallmark holidays" are not our family's style. I will call my own mother to wish her a happy one and I hope that my MIL, who does so many nice things for me and our family, received the simple necklace I ordered for her, stamped with both grandkids' names and their birthstones. But I will take a moment to feel gratitude to have had the experience of mothering my incredibly attuned and loving son. That he still reaches out for my hand as a way to connect, at almost 12, makes me think that I've done a few things right. I think I've been a mother who has fiercely loved him and have shown up for him in his life, emotionally and physically. I think I have handled encouraging his independence without making him feel pushed away, and I am emotionally responsive to and supportive of him, while setting very clear boundaries about what's okay and what's not. Some of these things I learned from my mother, and some I have had to learn on my own. Whatever mistakes I have made, they have not been that I failed to protect him or that I sacrificed him for my own sake. He has come first and that's something to be proud of accomplishing, as his mother.

I will also acknowledge the mothering that I do in other contexts and am proud of the nurturing I give to others in my work life. I know that I have been an important person to some of the people that I have worked with and that has been a privilege for me to be in a position where I can positively influence people, encourage them to grow, watch them fly off and go live their lives.

I also think that in the last year, I have done a good job at mothering myself. That I have worked on allowing myself to take time and space for the things that nurture me, including time away from my family. That I feel comfortable saying "I need some time for myself now, I cannot help you right now but I will be there at ___ time." That I can ask people to do things for me, even if they are small. That is a huge difference for me. I can speak out and say what's bothering me, without completely running the other person over. I can set boundaries with people while still giving them room to maneuver and without decreasing the intimacy between us.

Those are my thoughts on mothering today.