T and growing up

EDIT: never mind. Don't want the people policing the threads for off topic getting upset. LOL.

I agree with stopdog, therapists can look after themselves and if they feel a client is abusing email or contact they need to have the boundary talk.
I have to pay my t for a response and usually only email her when I am in trouble but each to their own, different strokes for different folks.

Btw, I think we are going off topic here, Rainbow is feeling nostalgic about her previous emails, something she doesn't do anymore and she feels ok with it-
This again in progress rainbow

I think I understand, rainbow. My T encouraged me to use email so that I could open up to her via writing if not always in words, but it did get to a stage where I was leaning on email too much, and she felt the need to adjust boundaries.. whilst she had never promised to reply, she had found herself feeling she needed to. She has since realised she needs to step back a little. I'm still 'allowed' to email, but responses aren't usually lengthy like they once were. Sometimes I feel I 'need' a response, and it makes me sad if I feel she isn't 'hearing' me or engaging with me, especially if I'm upset to begin with.. but I do recognise why she can't always write back. As well, it's like you say, as we 'grow up' in therapy our needs change, and things progress, and maybe we have to learn to lean on T less... that can be hard sometimes. I also relate to your need to feel connected to T, and email being a way you can feel connected - I'm not sure if that's a 'borderline' thing, but I think it certainly has to do with attachment issues, and clearly some of us have a harder time with this than others - and it's hard to explain to anyone who doesn't feel that same 'need'.. Out of respect for my T I'm currently trying to control myself where emailing is concerned, and reach out less and less - I realise it's a privilege and I'm trying not to kick the arse out of it! At the same time it's tough when you don't really have a support network or that feeling of connection elsewhere, not to reach out to someone who makes you feel good about yourself. I guess part of the therapy 'journey' is learning to internalise that - the warmth and kindness and 'good parent' that is T. If T fulfilled our every need we'd never have to learn, I guess. It is about growing up. Good post, rainbow.

I guess this is directed at me

Here's where things get hard for me to understand, rainbow. WHY do you feel like you need to send these things? Why not wait until your therapy time to share photos? Why the "Hurray" about sending her a poem that has nothing to do with therapy? If it has nothing to do with therapy, why send it?

I'll try to answer honestly, MKAC. I appreciate your feedback and curiousity. I have to explain more about the poem. I wrote it, and usually my poems have been about feelings for my T. Except for family birthdays and anniversaries, I haven't felt like I could write a "normal" poem in a long time. So, I felt really good about it and wanted my T to read it. Why couldn't I wait until my session? I could, but I don't think it's hurting me NOT to wait. I was excited about her reading it. If she tells me not to send her my poems anymore, I'll stop doing it. As far as the photos, I don't have a camera on my phone, and my photos are stored on my computer. Again, my T has encouraged me to send them to her.

Rainbow, I'm interested that you say you internalise what her response would be. How do you know?

... growing up the second time when you didn't grow up the first time is a bit of a challenge.

I understand the desire to email everything to T. I have that too. However, there is a large part of me that wants to be respectful and make sure my contact is important. I tend to take this too far though and tell myself that EVERYTHING is "not a big deal". T tries to tell me otherwise. I'm trying to figure out where the healthy area is. He's not my email buddy, but he does encourage me to share with him. It's incredibly confusing to me.

Of course I cannot speak for Rainbow, only myself and I will share my own thoughts on this question.

I do not have email privileges with my T. I am grateful for that boundary because I fear I might abuse it. The thing is this - when I have an emotion, whether painful or pleasurable and my T knows I've been working so hard on noticing my emotions or understanding them or managing them, SHE is the one I want to share them with because SHE has been with me on this journey. No one else in my life can know so precisely the work she and I have done together.

Does a poem really have nothing to do with therapy? Our therapy has to do with our emotions - our emotions have to do with our lives - our lives are made up of many elements, many pieces. And a poem or a piece of art is especially tied to our emotional lives. So, I think it's absolutely appropriate to share those things with our therapists.

Why not wait until session? For me, it's important to contact my T when the emotions are 'alive', not when I'm just recalling them and they become more distant. I leave my T voicemails occasionally and texts. Those 2 methods of communication help me contain the volume and the quantity of contact in between session. If I had the option to email, it would be very difficult for me to restrain myself.

And if I once had the opportunity to email and then it was taken away, I am sure I would feel very nostalgic about the experience I had had. It makes perfect sense to me to miss what once was an intimate part of the therapy relationship.

Now, I don't know if this is Rainbow's point of view or not but I thought I'd try to shed some light on why some of us might feel compelled to contact T out of session when the issue doesn't SEEM so important.

I think therapists can choose when and what to read or look at just like a client can decide what to send. Just because it is sent, does not mean the therapist has to look at it. Students send me things I don't open, read, look at. It does not hurt me and it may do something good for the student. I look at the therapist and email/mail the same way. Plus, if what the therapists say is even somewhat true, what is useful for one person may or may not be useful to another person in therapy. What is important to one person to show and tell a therapist can vary from person to person too. That it would not be useful to me with my therapist does not make it so for others and vice versa. To each their own in emailing or not is my thinking on it.

I don't mind if we're going off topic, button. It's about emailing so that's not really off, anyway. I must be healing because nothing upsets me here. thanks for seeing my progress.


Yes, my T used to feel obligated to respond to each email also. She once said she "agonized over what to reply". So the burden is off of her. She doesn't have to reply, and what's more, she doesn't have to bring up what I emailed. She may say she loved my poem, or the photos, but she never comments on what I write about therapy. I think I'm halfway there because I internalize what I think her responses would be if she did answer my emails. I try not to send more than a couple each week. Right. If T fulfilled our every need, we wouldn't grow up. You'd think I'd be grown up now, but growing up the second time when you didn't grow up the first time is a bit of a challenge.

I think therapists can choose when and what to read or look at just like a client can decide what to send. Just because it is sent, does not mean the therapist has to look at it. Students send me things I don't open, read, look at. It does not hurt me and it may do something good for the student. I look at the therapist and email/mail the same way. Plus, if what the therapists say is even somewhat true, what is useful for one person may or may not be useful to another person in therapy. What is important to one person to show and tell a therapist can vary from person to person too. That it would not be useful to me with my therapist does not make it so for others and vice versa. To each their own in emailing or not is my thinking on it.

Stopdog, I agree with you.

My therapist is fine with emails, and phone contact from all her clients. Last week I was in a dither about a major childhood event. By three in the afternoon I had sent 31 emails, but she had already responded with 17 of her own emails before 11:00 A.M. She also had a few calls from me that morning. I was not suicidal or anything, just in the middle of a childish tantrum.

I suspect I have sent over 2000 emails in a years time. My emails maybe of importance, jokes, cartoons, or a 'Just Because' email. Ive even spoken with her about having them published. She has responded to maybe 2/3 of my emails. Sometimes she answers several emails with one response. Her emails can be long or short. Definitely, always encouraging. Her rule is; I will read, and or answer emails if I am able. If you definitely want a response make that clear in your email. Same goes for phone calls. I've been able to live with this. She's in control, to how she handles each email.

Hi Rainbow,

It seems to me from this and some other threads that you have a tendency to hone in on very specific 'allowances' and 'prohibitions' on the part of your therapist, instead of looking at the big picture, the reasons behind them, and basing your decisions on her intent, not the specifics.

Because if you're always nitpicking: I was allowed to do x because of x specific reason, now I'm not for x specific reason, I am currently allowed this for x specific reason, etc. it becomes relatively easy to get around these boundaries. Because this way, there will always be loopholes, and you can always blame her for not having specifically prohibited something, or point to a particular comment she made or e-mail (however long ago that may have happened, i.e. at some point in time saying she liked some photos you sent) and justify it this way. It's as if you're searching high and low (on an unconscious level) for a license to circumvent boundaries.

So maybe try to take a step back and look at the big picture. It's not a matter of this type of communication or intimacy is 'bad' (because she specifically pointed it out) and this other is 'okay' (because she hasn't yet directly told you you can't). Perhaps it's not her responsibility to spell out exactly what is and is not appropriate. What are these boundaries about? What is the intent behind them? As a whole? How can I really and truly honor her boundaries, no loopholes, no justifications? Maybe if you look at it this way, you won't feel the need to often justify (more to yourself than anyone else) trying to circumvent the boundaries in one way or another.