[maara]

Hello everyone.

I have been reading stuff on this website since I started my own therapy which was a year ago, but now, after I have quit my personal therapy, I decided to share my feelings and thoughts here, and I suppose, I am replacing this forum with my T since I don't have my weekly sessions and the diary doesn't help as much lately...

I feel angry. That's it. I want to blame my therapy for what has happened during this year and I feel that I could have done more but it never went in the direction I wanted it to go. I have benefited from it but not in a way I was hoping I would. I have trust issues and I know it takes time and all that but I think it was taking too long. So I decided to quit. Well... I am taking a long break. I will go back in three months but not to the same therapist.

I have shared all my deepest secrets with her and I find it very difficult to trust anyone but it never went anywhere. There was a session where I had my first ever panic attack and it really scared me and I was confused, then the session was over, I came back next week, asked her what was that and she just asked me: "What do you think it was?" - I replied: "reliving" she nodded and we never spoke about it again. I had a feeling she was avoiding the whole conversation when I was ready to go further and talk about it. We never spoke about it ever again. That just completely shut me down and I could never open up to her again.

Then I told her (actually wrote to her) about the rest of stuff and that's it, we never spoke about it ever again. All we ever concentrated on was my relationships with my parents and my boyfriend. I wanted to work on my trauma but it never happened. I felt like she was avoiding it whenever I was trying to talk about it. She did mention that I need to trust her first and then we can go deeper and maybe that's why but still, I am very frustrated.

I could add so much more but in general I am very angry with my therapy and the outcome and I feel like I have wasted a lot of time, and I did try to do the work but felt like my T wasn't doing her best...

Also, she was a trainee and didn't have much experience but she could have just advised me to see a more experienced therapist if she couldn't help me herself. She never did and that's why I stayed with her for this long.

I did see many things in therapy that I didn't like but I always explained it with transference and "my own thing" and I tried to believe that she was being professional but I should have trusted my instincts and change the therapist way earlier....

[tinyrabbit]

I'm sorry your therapist wasn't right for you. I definitely think it sounds like the therapist was the problem, rather than you not being able to benefit from therapy. That said, you seem to have learned a lot about what you want, so you can go into the new therapy with a much better idea from the start. I suggest being really upfront with your new T about what you want and need, to make sure they can give it to you. I guess the risk with a trainee is they just don't have enough experience.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by maara

I wanted to work on my trauma but it never happened. I felt like she was avoiding it whenever I was trying to talk about it. She did mention that I need to trust her first and then we can go deeper and maybe that's why but still, I am very frustrated.

I think it's important to look closely at our beliefs that our therapists aren't willing to talk about traumatic things. First of all, I think this can be a really old message, as most of us were programmed from quite young to be silent about it. I think even when we really want to talk, these old messages can be quite subtle and sophisticated in creating obstacles to talking.

Unless your T said, "I refuse to talk about this with you," I suspect that there was a lot going on inside you that you may not have realized, that was making it difficult for you to talk and for your T to realize that you needed help to do this.

It took about a year with my third therapist until I could say "I need your help to talk about xyz." Even then, he thought that my difficulty in getting it out mean that I wasn't ready. I said, why don't you push me to get closer and he said that he thinks it's important for the client to be in control of the pace, and he wouldn't want to be coercive in "making" me talk about it. It took a few conversations, I think the talking about talking about it, where he really understood that this was that I wanted. I think that me taking charge and saying "I want to talk about it" helped him understand where I was and also helped me get myself in the place where I could talk.

Some of therapy at its core is getting to the place where you can tell your therapist what you want and then they can help you talk about it. But you can't just sit there hoping or wishing it will happen, you have to speak up and say that you want to talk about it and you need help. There are powerful forces within us to keep us from adequately communicating what we want and the therapeutic beliefs of the T in not wanting to retraumatize people can both create difficulties in getting directly to the thing that needs to be resolved.

I'm not trying to talk you out of being angry or whatever you want to be, but I think that when you return to therapy, it might help you to discuss what it is you want out of therapy and what it is you want to talk about. I think that while it may be easy to blame someone else or the process, the reality is that we can often figure out how we can do better the next time, empower ourselves more in our own therapy and not depend on our T getting it right for us. Much of how therapy turns out is up to us and how well we can communicate what it is we need. And I have found that for me, I'm already most of the way there when I do this. That I've already gotten through the stuff that has held me back by the time I am able to say, this is what I want.

[stopdog]

I believe it is often that the therapist is the problem more than people like to think. I understand being frustrated if the therapist can't or won't help you. Good luck if you decide to try again.

[tinyrabbit]

Anne makes a VERY good point! Though I do think it helps if there's a good fit between T and client. My T knows that, if I mention something, it's helpful if he asks questions.

But it is true that we are often programmed to look for "proof" that we shouldn't talk about things.

[maara]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I think it's important to look closely at our beliefs that our therapists aren't willing to talk about traumatic things. First of all, I think this can be a really old message, as most of us were programmed from quite young to be silent about it. I think even when we really want to talk, these old messages can be quite subtle and sophisticated in creating obstacles to talking.

Unless your T said, "I refuse to talk about this with you," I suspect that there was a lot going on inside you that you may not have realized, that was making it difficult for you to talk and for your T to realize that you needed help to do this.

It took about a year with my third therapist until I could say "I need your help to talk about xyz." Even then, he thought that my difficulty in getting it out mean that I wasn't ready. I said, why don't you push me to get closer and he said that he thinks it's important for the client to be in control of the pace, and he wouldn't want to be coercive in "making" me talk about it. It took a few conversations, I think the talking about talking about it, where he really understood that this was that I wanted. I think that me taking charge and saying "I want to talk about it" helped him understand where I was and also helped me get myself in the place where I could talk.

Some of therapy at its core is getting to the place where you can tell your therapist what you want and then they can help you talk about it. But you can't just sit there hoping or wishing it will happen, you have to speak up and say that you want to talk about it and you need help. There are powerful forces within us to keep us from adequately communicating what we want and the therapeutic beliefs of the T in not wanting to retraumatize people can both create difficulties in getting directly to the thing that needs to be resolved.

I'm not trying to talk you out of being angry or whatever you want to be, but I think that when you return to therapy, it might help you to discuss what it is you want out of therapy and what it is you want to talk about. I think that while it may be easy to blame someone else or the process, the reality is that we can often figure out how we can do better the next time, empower ourselves more in our own therapy and not depend on our T getting it right for us. Much of how therapy turns out is up to us and how well we can communicate what it is we need. And I have found that for me, I'm already most of the way there when I do this. That I've already gotten through the stuff that has held me back by the time I am able to say, this is what I want.

Thank you for your reply. I do see things better now. When I started therapy, I went in there and I said that I needed professional help, I actually asked for it in my first session. Then something changed and I can't explain what exactly. Then I felt stuck after a while and told her about it, then again, I said I needed help, it was difficult to actually say it but I did.

There was a session where we were setting goals, I had two lists, one with every day life goals like education, find a new place/job etc. and another one with therapeutic goals. I brought them in, I was going to talk about them and I was going to talk about my therapeutic goals but she somehow changed the subject completely and started talking about my mother.

Also I have heard that a client will go only as far as a therapist is ready to go. I think in this case I was more ready than she was. Or this could be my control issue as well.

I am going to go back to therapy in September with a different therapist. I will be able to see a different point of view but now, I just wanted to share my experience and feelings with someone else, someone who are not my friends or family members.

[anilam]

Welcome
What kind of therapy your T practiced? Some schools believe that it's not about the past so they focus more/only on the present. I'm no expert- prob some client-centered therapies? Psychodynamic therapy for sure.

It's great that you've decided to give therapy another chance- though I don't understand why have you decided to take 3 months break?
I do understand your anger at wasting 1 year of therapy- but some of it still could be useful. I remember going to group therapy - everyday, 8 hours for 2 months. Hated it- truth be told I didn't want to go in the first place but my parents/Pdoc made it kind of mandatory. It didn't help me then (though the group T told me that I wasn't ready for sharing my story with others yet and to start individual therapy instead- I'm still really thankful to her) However, now nearly 7 yrs after I do sometimes think about the ppl I was there with and I can relate to some of their troubles and the way they have (tried to) overcome them.

[Asiablue]

Trauma is a tricky one. Any good therapist will pace a client to avoid retraumatizing client. If trust is a big issue then they will work on the relationship first, they need to work on you feeling safe in the room and contained by the therapist before even dipping into the traumatic content. It sounds to me like she may have been attempting to lay the groundwork with you, this was an attempt at care and good practice.

[ultramar]

It sounds like maybe she thought is would be more helpful to you to address current relationships than delving into past trauma. Maybe she was afraid that if you started working on trauma that present issues would be too pushed to the side. Maybe she thought you weren't 'ready/stable' enough. Maybe she was trying to be therapeutically careful, as Asiablue pointed out.

But obviously (if this was her thinking) it's only her opinion and it's your therapy. I think it's unfortunate she seemed to brush aside your attempts to talk about these things, instead of openly explaining to you why she might not think it wise, which would have given you a chance to tell her how you feel about it as well. It sounds a little controlling to me.

But as others have said, at least now you know better what you want from therapy and can let your new therapist know (or screen therapists out for this) what you'd like to work on at the outset. It can be so hard to speak up in therapy and express what you want --and all the more so if what you want to talk about is so so difficult to bring up in the first place. Best of luck with your new therapist and I'm very sorry it didn't work out with the last one -though I'm glad you had the courage to leave and are seeking out more help, despite the bad experience.

[ECHOES]

I agree with others who say that it wasn't the therapy you wanted. It was the therapy the therapist offered, but not what you want. It sounds like you want depth psychotherapy.

Your issues are important. You are important. Working with another kind of therapist might be more helpful. This experience was disappointing, but maybe you could see it as helpful in that you discovered more about what you want.

[learning1]

I identified with what you wrote. I'm angry that my last therapist didn't try to help me much too. I feel like I wasted a lot of time because of it. I'm sorry it happened to you too. I hope coming on here will be helpful for you.

[maara]

Thank you all for replying to me.

I understand now that I didn't fully trust her and I was pushing myself too hard, and I need a different therapist, probably someone who has more experience.

I am taking a break because I'm going on a holiday for the whole summer and coming back in August/September.

There were other things that happened outside therapy that pushed my trust away, I ended up doing the same course as her neighbor and we were talking about her without me even knowing that it was my therapist we were talking about. World is small.

I would say that the whole experience was weird in many ways and I am looking forward to therapy after three months. And yes, I did gain some things, just wished it was a bit different.