Please help me to not google my T

I'm always trying to mourn that I can't have the relationship with my T that I want. I've expressed wishing I could be a baby with her, but that I have to be an adult. I used to say "I feel too little to be grown up". When we did the SE, I told my T it felt good and I wished I could be a baby again. So, these feelings have come up. That's why we did visualizations with my adult self holding me, the baby--to show that my Self is always there for the baby part who often wants to be taken care of. Do you mean something else? I'm trying to understand.

I recall a time when I was working on an issue in therapy that had to do with me having a compulsion to do something repeatedly that made me feel bad (not related to T). I read certain documents and listened to certain recordings multiple times a day over the course of years.

I recall T mentioning that I was trying to gain control of something I was not able to control.

That's interesting, MUE. I was told I have OCD so that may be the reason in itself. I repeatedly check my threads to look for responses though that doesn't make me feel better. It seems like a compulsion. When I start googling T, I do it repeatedly as if I'm going to find something new that I missed. I don't know if that's trying to gain control over not being albe to control other people's actions, maybe?

My T says the internet is addictive. I think most people agree to that. One of my former Ts said it's because you think one more site, or one more click, and you'll find what you want. That was referring to my genealogy searches, I think. If I repeat something too many times, I can't stop. It's hard to get offline now, for instance. I want to, but I keep checking forums on PC and checking my email. I know that's why internet addiction has been identified as a problem. I wonder if it's in the DSM--not kidding. Is it?

I wouldn't call OCD a reason. There's something causing the compulsion. It's just difficult to figure out what that is and then what to do about it. Frustrating, I know.

I don't keep up with the DSM, so I'm not sure.

I guess, mourning the loss of your real mother-daughter relationship and your role as the child in that relationship... I feel like maybe this is connected to your relationships with your T's, the tenacious holding on to that idealized relationship, and your role in it, as it's transferred to the T's. Of course I could also be spouting mumbo jumbo... In any case, it occurred to me to look up the stages of mourning:

Typically, the seven (7) stages of grief are described as:
- Shock or Disbelief
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Guilt
- Depression
- Acceptance and Hope

This is a link to an explanation of the stages on WebMD: Stages of Grief: How to Cope With Grief and Loss

I always think of All That Jazz when the stages of grief/dying are mentioned:
the film editing of the comic:

Davis Newman: This chick, man, without the benefit of dying herself, has broken down the process of death into five stages: anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Sounds like a Jewish law firm. "Good morning, Angerdenialbargainingdepressionacceptance!"

I totally just recited "Levinson Axelrod Wheaton Grazel Caulfield, Margolis and Dunn"....Some names you just never forget!

Thanks, ultramar. My Mom died in 1983 but I don't think I ever mourned her death properly. When I saw my first T, a few months after she died, I never even mentioned her death! Well, I did when I read a list of why I was depressed, bnut it was hidden amongst other things and my T missed it! Maybe I'm still in denial! No, that couldn't be. Probably depression. My Ts did help me, and get me to write letters to my Mom, and write back as to how I think she'd answer. I did that with my current T too, and I made a collage about her, and talked about her.

I don't feel like I ever switched from child to adult with my Mom, though. When she was sick, I didn't want to be with her; it was too hard, and I shut down. I wasn't communicative to anyone about her being sick and dying. In later years, my Dad, who remarried, talked about my Mom in a distant sense, like she wasn't even my Mom and his wife for 40 years. That upset me a lot.

I read my T letters my Mom wrote to me when I was 11 years old and was at overnight camp. They're touching. At least she got to be a grandmother but not for very long. Many of my friends even now still have their Moms. Losing a Mom is hard. I didn't even realize until now that Mother's Day is this Sunday. I know it's hard for many who don't have loving relationships with their mothers. It's also hard when you don't have a mother anymore.

I don't think I can give up PC. I like to write to make up for keeping everything inside of me for so many years. Maybe this is instead of writing my book that I want to write.