[Raging Quiet]

I know this is a stupid fear, but it really worries me and is mixed in with my reasons for leaving T.

I know I sound so stupid, but I get so frightened that my T is going to die and it will be suddenly. When I hear on the radio that an elderly woman has been in a car crash in my city; I'm straight on google, even if I'm at work. I worry all the time that she's going to have a stroke or heart attack; I know she's in her 70's and that's relatively young, but most if my family die a lot younger and elderly ladies in England get put in a care home, ran by the NHS around her age.

I worry about her sharpness as a therapist and don't want to put her through any more of my drama.

I panic that when I knock her door, someone else will answer.

I know this sounds so stupid. it isn't something I can talk to her about as she's told me before that ageing is a challenge for her.

Has anyone experienced similar?

[CantExplain]

I felt this about Madame T. I spent three months with her working on it. It was some of the best therapy work I've ever done.

I faced my feelings and made a plan.

You might want to ask your T:
1. How would I find out if you died?
2. Would I be welcome at the funeral?

You can talk about her dying without triggered her over getting old. The "traffic accident" scenario is perfect in this respect.

PS:

At one point I feared that if I went to Australia on business, she would die. She would live if I didn't go.

[Wren_]

hi, it isn't a stupid fear ... it's a very valid one and one it would be good if you can address. even if ageing is a challenge to her, it is still something that is important for her to discuss with you especially in relation to the questions can'texplain suggested. therapists, as with everyone else, die ... and it would help you to know what would happen for you as far as finding out; who will give you support and help you through the grieving. My therapist did die in her mid-70's and I was completely unprepared for it at the time, so instead of labeling your fear irrational try and address it if you can

[tinyrabbit]

This isn't stupid AT ALL. I know I sound like a stuck record as I keep saying this on everyone's threads, but all of this is important information about you and how you feel and relate to your T.

It's not a stupid fear. You're attached to your T and you're probably worried about whether she's made preparations to ensure somebody would tell you and make sure you're looked after. I have similar worries.

[rainbow8]

Me, too. It's not stupid at all. I always tell my T when she or I go away that I'm afraid she's going to die. She says she's not, but of course that's not true. She's only 50 so it's not so likely, but no one knows for sure when their time is up. I think she once told me that she has a plan if something happens to her. I suppose someone in her office complex would tell me. Sometimes I have a dread that I will get such an email or a phone call. I'm trying to tell myself that I would grieve but I would go on. I don't know why the fear is so much greater about her death than about someone in my family dying. I think it may be because it's too awful to think about that happening to any of my family.

RectO, you're not alone. Thanks for starting this thread!

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Rect0pathic

but most of my family

Just keep reminding yourself you are working on this; that she is not your family and that it is all transference. I understand how you feel, my T was that age too and my mother died when I was very young and my stepmother died while I was in therapy, etc.

Go beyond looking at the dying part and look at why that would "matter" to you? My gut reaction was, "if she dies, who will take care of me?" because I lost my mother at such a young age. See what is actually driving your fear and tell your T and work hard on that.

[stopdog]

The one I see is now older than my mother was when she died suddenly. The therapist is of an age where it would not be extremely odd for her to die. I don't even like the woman and I am sometimes concerned she will die.

[feralkittymom]

I think it's a perfectly understandable fear when you're attached, especially to an older T.

A sudden health crisis caused my T to retire. Although we were winding down our therapy, we had not officially acknowledged it as a termination phase. When he returned after his hospitalization, he made the decision to retire, and we met a few more times and talked about all of these things thoroughly. I was very reluctant to "go there," but he insisted. He was right: it was his final responsibility to me, and I benefitted tremendously.

Even now, he is very straight forward with me about his health because he knows I will worry in the absence of information.

[tinyrabbit]

I don't think it's necessarily all transference. My T is an actual, real person with a manner and a personality. Another T wouldn't be the same.

[wotchermuggle]

Just wanted to tell you that it's not a stupid fear. My previous therapist, if there was an accident near where he lived, I was checking the internet too, and he was much younger than your therapist.

[sunrise]

I am not at present worrying that my T might die, but I think I may have in earlier times when I needed him more. I know I've thought about what would happen if he did die. How would I find out? Does he have a plan in place to notify all of his clients? Would his wife call me? A colleague? Would I just arrive at his office and find it locked and dark, or a sign on the door giving the bad news? Would I go to the funeral? Would I be welcome at the funeral? (Would the client-therapist boundaries hold, even through death?) How would I even find out if there was a funeral? Would I seek out another therapist later and continue with therapy?

I don't think it's stupid at all. We invest a lot of ourselves in the t relationship. This is the one topic I have not brought up with t - haven't even formed it as a complete thought yet - but it's swirling around inside my brain/heart the fact that she's 12 years older than me and I'm no spring chicken myself.

Also the whole car accident scenario - I think about that sometimes too - mostly because when she was still here in the same town and I saw her in person, there was one occasion when I was late because of traffic and I had dropped my cell phone on the floor when I tried to pick it up to call her and let her know, and I figured I'd just be even later if I stopped to pick it up so I just went late, and she was standing outside watching for me and said she'd been worried. So now that picture comes into my mind every few months still, but the other way 'round, she's the one that's not there.... I need to talk to her about this. Thank you.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Perna

Just keep reminding yourself ... that she is not your family and that it is all transference.

I don't agree with this at all.

[Perna]

CE, what don't you agree with? I'm not saying do not love/care for your T, just don't obsess about the dying part, see where it is actually coming from, what is driving it. In life we should be too busy living to be thinking about not living, especially someone else not living. Worrying about someone else's future and letting it have that much control over my present thoughts and feelings seems out of whack to me, not how I want to live my life. Instead, I use the fear to see what is actually my problem and either solve/resolve my problems or prepare for my future.

[CantExplain]

I don't agree that it's all transference. And there was a time when Madame T was family.

I have this fewr too--and t is in another country the past two years so the fear was huge for a while.. Anything could happen to her over there if i didnt hear from her for a few days i would get convinced she was dead. Even if she didnt call me as soon as our session was supposed to start. Sometimes emergencies come up for her though so i am better about that.
She has given me someone i can call , if i dont hear from her for several weeks and get worried. And i am also in her iphone contact list, if her family wants to contact anyone. That way i know if something happens to her.

I was told by my therapist that she is required ethically to have a Professional Will, in case of death or encapacitation. I wanted to know her recommendations for me, before I could put all my trust in her. I no longer think about her death or being encapacitated.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Goingtogetthere

I was told by my therapist that she is required ethically to have a Professional Will, in case of death or encapacitation. I wanted to know her recommendations for me, before I could put all my trust in her. I no longer think about her death or being encapacitated.

I never heard of a "professional will". What exactly does that mean?

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I never heard of a "professional will". What exactly does that mean?

All therapist are required by their professional associations ethic's codes to have continuity if care for each client if they die or their practice is interrupted for incapacitation, etc.

The Will spells out your therapist wishes for continuity of care in their absence. They notify you in an emergency regarding your therapist. They may become your therapist. They have access to all your records, etc.

I wanted to know who this person would be, and my therapist as a courtesy to the will keeper said she wanted to ask if it would be okay to reveal her name. My therapist was surprised when she didn't want her name revealed - her right. My therapist has since reassessed, and found someone else to be her representative.

They also store client records for the number of years the law requires.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I never heard of a "professional will". What exactly does that mean?

I believe it's meant to set out what will happen in the event of a T's death, e.g. where to find his/her client list, who will tell people the news and what will happen about referring them to another T, to ensure it's handled properly.

I suppose this is something I try not to think about.. but I have wondered about it.

A few weeks ago I had to ring the doorbell 3 times before she answered, and the way she runs up and down her stairs I actually worried if she'd had a fall or something. I was just getting out my phone to text (then call.. then what? 999?) when she came to the door and I scolded her for scaring me and hugged her. One time she had to go into hospital (she only told me because I put 2 and 2 together and got up the nerve to ask) and I felt so bad about it. I wished I could go visit her and be there for her, take her some grapes, and make sure she was okay - I know, not my place. But it got me thinking about 'what if's and the future and where boundaries are or might be and what place we have/will ever have in each others lives. I did wonder how I might get notified of anything unfortunate, and if I'd be able to visit her during prolonged illness/incapacitation or if she ever ended up in a nursing home, or if I'd be able to go to her funeral - if I'd even get notified about these things. I know my T isn't my family, but I will always see her as a massively important influence on my life, and she is dear to me.

But, life being life, unpredictable as it is, she could outlive me anyway! There's no real sense in worrying.. I know she would tell me that. Maybe I will have a conversation about all this with her at some point, if I'm feeling brave.. But for now I'm trying to focus on the now!

[growlycat]

I so relate to this. My T is 65 and due to my job move, we now do phone counseling sessions (not ideal, but for those here that know me i'm a "lifer" in therapy, pretty much)

Both his parents had dementia. So The age thing is understandably worrisome. However, most likely this fear is really about re experiencing loss and wanting to avoid it. I have been worrying about his dying since he was in his 40's.

I'm trying to explore options out where I live now "just in case"--I have a health-only counselor who I have been able to express my fears to, as my long-standing T doesn't want to justify my irrational (to him!) fears

I suspect his pride keeps him from being able to admit he is getting older

If your T is willing to discuss your fears, maybe it is worth exploring

and thanks to whoever brought up the professional will! I'm a bit relieved

[rainbow8]

I don't want my T to die before I do.