[rainbow8]

I got to my session and could hardly look at my T at all. She looked too good to me. I was so embarrassed to talk about the googling and how I had a miserable week. I can write it all out here, but I froze in my session. She had me think about the lake in order to relax and I still had trouble.

She told me that googling her isn't good for me; it is addictive and makes me feel worse. She knows me by now, and she's right. I also told her I got upset with the information. Some is wrong, anyway. She doesn't live where I thought; she lives near the office. Her name is uncommon; it doesn't make sense that it was someone else, but I know the internet makes mistakes!

I told her I was doing it because of not being able to accept that she can't be that person for me. Then I showed her my picture but she didn't want to discuss that either. I was still flustered so I didn't care about anything. We almost got into an argument about nail polish when I told her I was glad she wasn't wearing any because it makes me feel inferior and maybe I don't want to see her anymore. She said "you have a choice to see me, you know". I nearly exploded because I didn't want to hear that. She said sometimes I'm challenging, so I told her I had wanted her to say "I understand" or something about feeling inferior. I said I didn't mean I didn't want her for my T! Oh, well. About that.

I told her about holding her hand felt like Mommy and baby. That's when she asked if I would do perinatal SE I think it's called. I had to close my eyes and imagine myself inside my mother's womb, and think about how she and my father were excited about having me. I said I will do it if it's going to make me stop wanting her to be "that person". She said it will. I had to think about how good that would have felt. We did that for about 20 minutes, with her talking me through it. At some point, when she asked how I felt I hesitated and then said "it's weird, but this feels as good as holding your hand!" She clapped her hands and said "Yes! It's not weird and everyone in her SE class did it, and she felt good when she did it, too.

I said I wanted to be that baby again.

She said this will help me but it takes time. Honestly, this is the first time I've had hope about the SE. I was feeling so bad during the whole session, and then we did this, and a peek of light came through!

Before I left, she wanted me to try to promise not to google her. She said that she wants me to be happy in my life during the week, and not be upset about hers. I said it seems like I don't know her and she's changed, but she contradicted me about that.

So, I have to give up looking at her new photo that I love. I even told her that, and she suggested putting a photo of me that I like on the screen, or on my fridge. I don't know. I'd rather look at her, but I am going to try.

One day at a time. I think she wishes she could come and disconnect my computer altogether! I will post somewhere every day about my progress. For a long time I didn't google her or I just looked at her website. It's going to be hard because she's right; it's an addiction. How can I be strong and stop?

[murray]

How about, rather than a picture of you to replace your T on your computer, you could have a picture of your grandchildren or family?

[rainbow8]

Thanks, Murray. I don't understand my T because she knows I have a lot of photos of my family on the computer. I think she wants it where I can see it all of the time, and I think, though I'm not sure, she wants it to be a photo of ME that I like. I don't know if it will help me not to google her, though. It's HER picture I want to see, not mine. It's in my mind, though. Her picture, her face. She's so right about the googling, though. It makes me feel depressed and discouraged.

[stopdog]

Do you have any pictures of yourself or you and your mother (who if I remember correctly - you were close to) when you were a baby with your mother holding you?

[precious things]

Every time you feel the urge to google her you need to tell yourself that it only serves to undermine the real therapeutic relationship- googling hurts you and your therapy.

[murray]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Do you have any pictures of yourself or you and your mother (who if I remember correctly - you were close to) when you were a baby with your mother holding you?

That's a good thought Stopdog.

[stopdog]

I also think it could help to remember that googling the therapist is not hurting her any. It is hurting you a lot though it seems. I say this in an effort to encourage you not to turn any slips in resolve into guilt that relates to having done something to the therapist herself.

Oh Rainbow this is so hard. I can feel your frustration. It is an addiction, therapy is an addiction but only if we let it.
Maybe you can try look at it from a different angle, you know looking up t is bad for you and it hurts you and if you knew that a piece of fruit had gone bad would you still eat it anyway? Try to be kind to yourself and do things that make you happy and not so frustrated.
I can see how you think you don't know your t anymore. She knows everything about you but yet she is getting a divorce and her life is changing, you are afraid she is changing, maybe? This would worry me too Rainbow!
But I am sure t can still be the same t you love.
How about when you feel the urge to google t wrote down those feelings and urges that make you want to google her. Look at them closely and try understand them, is some part of you jealous of your t and her life?
Every time you get the urge to google and you resist the impulse reward yourself with something you love. It's hard and I can so relate to your post , I just wish it was easier for you!

I think you google T because you want to feel connected to her? I'm glad the SE was helpful for you, and I'm wondering if you can use that kind of approach to help you between sessions? That good feeling you get when T holds your hand, the good feeling you felt when imagining yourself in the womb and how excited your parents must have been waiting for you to arrive...? Can you try to hold on to that feeling?

I know you used to love T emailing you in between sessions and how it helped you feel connected, and I can relate to that. My T still emails me but not always often, and there were stages when we were going through rupture where it was like she cut me off. I used to read her emails over and over, her words a comfort to me, helping me hold on to the connection. When I wasn't getting that anymore, one thing I found helped me cope was imagining/replaying the feeling of T hugging me. It seems to have become something of a coping technique Might sound silly but I hug my teddy bear and try to remember the warm fuzzies I have felt with T. It does actually seem to work?! Do you think thinking of your T holding your hand or hugging you and remembering/feeling those feelings might be of comfort and give you the feeling of connection you're after?

You're searching for connection with T via google, but you're not getting it - I think maybe that's why you get upset? All you find are ways you're not connected, ie, her private life, which you are not a part of.



Eta: I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think the issue is getting you to internalise that love, that caring, instead of always searching for a way to fulfil it through external means? I feel like that is/has been something of an issue for me. Some kind of object constancy/attachment issue.

[Moodswing]

Aaaaa so what. I googled mine to death for 7 months and got a picture of him also. It helped to ease the painful transference. It will ease up on its own when you get better. Also it is confusing to have a relationship that is only one sided so it is normal to try and balance it out by gaining some information.

[BonnieJean]

I know when I feel like Googling my t it is for a sense of connection.

[ultramar]

Does the googling itself upset you, or is it the guilt and need/fear of telling your therapist about it?

If the problem is not in the googling itself, or if it's not a big problem, I'd say google away, don't tell her, and try not to feel guilty.

I think, in a way, telling her that you're googling during a session ends up making that -portion- of the session about her. A couple of people have mentioned doing this as a way to maintain the connection. I don't see any problem with that. But I think in telling her about it, in a way, it makes it bigger than it is, and then the conversation ends up being about her, the information you found about her, how it makes you feel, etc. I know this goes against the adage of telling one's therapist everything, but just a thought about the potential gain in not telling her.

Of course if the core, underlying problem really is the googling itself, then I suppose you shouldn't do it. Though there's still the possibility of not telling her about it. Counterintuitive, I know, and I could be way off.

[SallyBrown]

I also think it's an issue of seeking a connection, but not really getting one -- that's probably why it's making you so miserable. It's very frustrating but I think it's a good thing that you want to find a way to stop doing it, because doing it is making you unhappy.

There are a couple things that make me feel connected to T when I'm not around him. I love to dance by myself when no one's around, so sometimes I'll put on a song that makes me think of him and dance to it. Or I'll doodle a little with him in mind, and maybe show the result to him later.

Another thing I started doing a while back, that I haven't done in a while now, is write about sessions afterward. This is when I was in really intense psychoanalysis, and it helped me think about and understand my sessions more deeply.

Sometimes, when I needed to feel a connection, I would go back and read what I'd written about a particularly good session. There was one in particular I read over and over again when I needed to feel like things were ok between him and me. It helped me hang on to some of the more helpful things he said, and to remind me of the good feelings I had had. It was good to remind myself at times that that would always be there when I went back, even after really rough patches. And it helped I think in part because they were his words (as best I remembered them to transcribe later) and my words, and it was stuff about OUR connection. Not frustrating myself by trying to know more about him in ways that I am unlikely to ever actually know him. Feeling like the relationship we have now is good enough.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

Sometimes, when I needed to feel a connection, I would go back and read what I'd written about a particularly good session. There was one in particular I read over and over again when I needed to feel like things were ok between him and me. It helped me hang on to some of the more helpful things he said, and to remind me of the good feelings I had had. It was good to remind myself at times that that would always be there when I went back, even after really rough patches. And it helped I think in part because they were his words (as best I remembered them to transcribe later) and my words, and it was stuff about OUR connection. Not frustrating myself by trying to know more about him in ways that I am unlikely to ever actually know him. Feeling like the relationship we have now is good enough.

I do this too and it helps me a lot. I have a journal where I write things I find particularly helpful or comforting and I read over that between sessions sometimes. It's basically a big list of things he's said. He knows about it but doesn't know what's in it.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Do you have any pictures of yourself or you and your mother (who if I remember correctly - you were close to) when you were a baby with your mother holding you?

I do have some photos of my mother holding me. I'm not sure why my T suggested a photo of adult me. Maybe so I could think about myself instead of her?

Originally Posted by precious things

Every time you feel the urge to google her you need to tell yourself that it only serves to undermine the real therapeutic relationship- googling hurts you and your therapy.

Thanks. That's great advice and it's so true. I haven't googled yet because of that thought. It's BAD for me and causes me pain!

Originally Posted by stopdog

I also think it could help to remember that googling the therapist is not hurting her any. It is hurting you a lot though it seems. I say this in an effort to encourage you not to turn any slips in resolve into guilt that relates to having done something to the therapist herself.

I do feel a little guilty that I let her down, but she said there's nothing she has to hide that could be online. She's concerned about how googling affects me. You're right.

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Oh Rainbow this is so hard. I can feel your frustration. It is an addiction, therapy is an addiction but only if we let it.
Maybe you can try look at it from a different angle, you know looking up t is bad for you and it hurts you and if you knew that a piece of fruit had gone bad would you still eat it anyway? Try to be kind to yourself and do things that make you happy and not so frustrated.
I can see how you think you don't know your t anymore. She knows everything about you but yet she is getting a divorce and her life is changing, you are afraid she is changing, maybe? This would worry me too Rainbow!
But I am sure t can still be the same t you love.
How about when you feel the urge to google t wrote down those feelings and urges that make you want to google her. Look at them closely and try understand them, is some part of you jealous of your t and her life?
Every time you get the urge to google and you resist the impulse reward yourself with something you love. It's hard and I can so relate to your post , I just wish it was easier for you!

Thanks, mls. Yes, I already know I'm jealous of T's life and googling her makes it worse. I like to google people from my past too, and that's how I've "found" a lot of them. I do genealogy, too. But googling T is because I want to know her, and be close to her. Yes, it's an addiction. It would be good if I could spend less time on PC too, but I've tried that. I can't give up everything. Yes, I told her that I'm afraid she's different because of her divorce. I don't like changes.

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

I think you google T because you want to feel connected to her? I'm glad the SE was helpful for you, and I'm wondering if you can use that kind of approach to help you between sessions? That good feeling you get when T holds your hand, the good feeling you felt when imagining yourself in the womb and how excited your parents must have been waiting for you to arrive...? Can you try to hold on to that feeling? I wish I could hold onto that feeling because T won't hold my hand anymore. We're going to do more of this same work next session and probably for awhile, since we both think it helped me.

I know you used to love T emailing you in between sessions and how it helped you feel connected, and I can relate to that. My T still emails me but not always often, and there were stages when we were going through rupture where it was like she cut me off. I used to read her emails over and over, her words a comfort to me, helping me hold on to the connection. When I wasn't getting that anymore, one thing I found helped me cope was imagining/replaying the feeling of T hugging me. It seems to have become something of a coping technique Might sound silly but I hug my teddy bear and try to remember the warm fuzzies I have felt with T. It does actually seem to work?! Do you think thinking of your T holding your hand or hugging you and remembering/feeling those feelings might be of comfort and give you the feeling of connection you're after?
Sometimes I do that already. I can hold onto remembering the connection with her. I have a lot of things she gave me. Well, not a lot, but enough, plus her old emails. I'm okay until I start thinking about her life outside of my therapy with her.
You're searching for connection with T via google, but you're not getting it - I think maybe that's why you get upset? All you find are ways you're not connected, ie, her private life, which you are not a part of.
Yes! exactly!!! That's it. I google to feel more connected but instead see ways I'm not connected and that depresses me.


Eta: I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think the issue is getting you to internalise that love, that caring, instead of always searching for a way to fulfil it through external means? I feel like that is/has been something of an issue for me. Some kind of object constancy/attachment issue.

Thanks, jsg. You understand very well since it's your issue too. I thought I internalized my T's caring. I do, but it's hard when I get reminded of who she is and who is not, to me. I move forward, and say our relationship is fine the way it is--limited to therapy, but then I get triggered and I fall apart. Hopefully, the SE we're doing will help. T says it will!

Originally Posted by Moodswing

Aaaaa so what. I googled mine to death for 7 months and got a picture of him also. It helped to ease the painful transference. It will ease up on its own when you get better. Also it is confusing to have a relationship that is only one sided so it is normal to try and balance it out by gaining some information.

I realize it's normal to google our Ts but for me it's making the transference worse, not better. It's making me miserable, so I have to stop it. I'm glad it helped you, though.

[Perna]

If I were you, I'd put something like this on my screen to remind myself that what we think about, by habit, is where we go. As long as you think about your T instead of what you are doing/"should" be doing in the moment, you can't escape from your difficulties:



From: freemanformula.com

You cannot "not" Google, you have to replace Googling with some other activity or keep moving your thought to something in front of you, in your immediate environment to get out of your head altogether and into something in your own life.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by BonnieJean

I know when I feel like Googling my t it is for a sense of connection.

Yes, it's that way for me too, but also because I just want to know more about her. I feel connected, but I wanted to know where she lives now, and anything else I could find out. I don't know exactly why I want to know. If I ask her something, she usually tells me, but I'm afraid if I ask too much, she won't tell me. She'll just say "therapy is about YOU".

Originally Posted by ultramar

Does the googling itself upset you, or is it the guilt and need/fear of telling your therapist about it?
The googling itself upsets me.
If the problem is not in the googling itself, or if it's not a big problem, I'd say google away, don't tell her, and try not to feel guilty.
That would never work for me. I LOOK guilty, LOL. She knew something was wrong when I couldn't look at her when I came to my session. I'm always honest with her.
I think, in a way, telling her that you're googling during a session ends up making that -portion- of the session about her. A couple of people have mentioned doing this as a way to maintain the connection. I don't see any problem with that. But I think in telling her about it, in a way, it makes it bigger than it is, and then the conversation ends up being about her, the information you found about her, how it makes you feel, etc. I know this goes against the adage of telling one's therapist everything, but just a thought about the potential gain in not telling her.
That's not the problem for me. She didn't even want to hear what information I found.
Of course if the core, underlying problem really is the googling itself, then I suppose you shouldn't do it. Though there's still the possibility of not telling her about it. Counterintuitive, I know, and I could be way off.

Googling her makes me feel miserable. It's the information, or lack of it, or the bits and pieces that don't make sense, that hurt me.

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

I also think it's an issue of seeking a connection, but not really getting one -- that's probably why it's making you so miserable. It's very frustrating but I think it's a good thing that you want to find a way to stop doing it, because doing it is making you unhappy.
Yes, it makes me unhappy and I am going to stop!!! I want to say that in the past I didn't google her very much at all because there wasn't anything about her, just her website and PsychologyToday, and things like that. I did google her H and kids, though. That's not for the connection, but it made me feel terrible too.
There are a couple things that make me feel connected to T when I'm not around him. I love to dance by myself when no one's around, so sometimes I'll put on a song that makes me think of him and dance to it. Or I'll doodle a little with him in mind, and maybe show the result to him later.
I need to paint more, because I can then bring in the picture and put in our "art gallery" in the office. That's just for the session; then I take it home again.
Another thing I started doing a while back, that I haven't done in a while now, is write about sessions afterward. This is when I was in really intense psychoanalysis, and it helped me think about and understand my sessions more deeply. Posting on this forum is my version of that.

Sometimes, when I needed to feel a connection, I would go back and read what I'd written about a particularly good session. There was one in particular I read over and over again when I needed to feel like things were ok between him and me. It helped me hang on to some of the more helpful things he said, and to remind me of the good feelings I had had. It was good to remind myself at times that that would always be there when I went back, even after really rough patches. And it helped I think in part because they were his words (as best I remembered them to transcribe later) and my words, and it was stuff about OUR connection. Not frustrating myself by trying to know more about him in ways that I am unlikely to ever actually know him. Feeling like the relationship we have now is good enough.

Yes, that's excellent advice. Thank you. Usually I'm able to do that by reading what she actually emailed to me in the past. Now that she doesn't answer I can read my emails to her. Sometimes that triggers me, though. I do know that the relationship I have with her is good enough--most of the time. I was doing well until I found out about her divorce, and until I saw her outside on her cell phone. Thanks for telling your experiences, Sally.

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I do this too and it helps me a lot. I have a journal where I write things I find particularly helpful or comforting and I read over that between sessions sometimes. It's basically a big list of things he's said. He knows about it but doesn't know what's in it.

I have some things my T wrote for me, like "it's not taking me out of the picture; it's putting your Self in there too", and I have the small heart she gave me. But maybe I need to write down other helpful things she's told me. I do have them in my emails from her, about a year's worth, before she stopped replying. She said some nice things, but also some are triggering, like "if holding hands is what that part needs to heal, then that's what we'll do". It hurts to read that, but since this session when I felt that good by doing the SE about being in my mother's womb, maybe I'll be okay. Thanks for your suggestion.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Perna

If I were you, I'd put something like this on my screen to remind myself that what we think about, by habit, is where we go. As long as you think about your T instead of what you are doing/"should" be doing in the moment, you can't escape from your difficulties:



From: freemanformula.com

You cannot "not" Google, you have to replace Googling with some other activity or keep moving your thought to something in front of you, in your immediate environment to get out of your head altogether and into something in your own life.

oops, I hope the image gets smaller when I hit reply! Thanks, Perna. That's some elephant, LOL! I see what you mean. It's why my T doesn't like me to spend so much time online, and on PC. But for me, the other activity is posting here, reading others' threads, and sometimes helping others too. I have to clean up my basement from the flood, so I'm stalling. When I'm out and about, it's better. I don't work so it's up to me to plan enough to do away from the computer!

[tinyrabbit]

Can you set some kind of nifty software on your browser that blocks pages about your T? Is there a way to block certain web pages?

Perhaps you don't need to imagine being a baby in the womb again. Perhaps you need to mourn the fact you no longer are that baby?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Perhaps you don't need to imagine being a baby in the womb again. Perhaps you need to mourn the fact you no longer are that baby?

I trust my T and this is the kind of therapy we're doing. I'm sure dealing with no longer being that baby is part of it. I emailed her "what about now?" so I'll see what she says next week. I do remember her saying that it calms the nervous system NOW, so that's good. It's what she's paying a lot of money to learn (somatic experiencing) and I know many researchers write about, and many Ts utitlize the mind/body connection these days.

I am very happy that it seemed a way for me to stop wanting her to hold my hand, as the feeling was that good!

Rainbow maybe this is a little off the wall but could you try imagining being a baby in ts womb instead of your mother. I think the little rainbow would like t to be your mother and be there to comfort you and nurture you.
This might help you with wanting to connect with t too?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

Can you set some kind of nifty software on your browser that blocks pages about your T? Is there a way to block certain web pages?

Hmm. I would have to block her name, totally. I don't think that's possible. I don't think I'm that desperate yet but it's a thought! I'm going to use my wise mind rather than emotion mind to do what's best for me. I'll talk about it tomorrow in DBT too, so I'll have some more support and ideas. So far, so good. I don't want to feel miserable about my T. It hurts so much more than I can handle. I'm going to try to concentrate on what she is doing to help me and not google her. One day at a time. I know I can do this. It's for ME, to feel better.

I realize that somatic experiencing, IFS, and EMDR are not as common as other forms of therapy, but I've done the "normal" therapy already. Working with how my body feels is productive for me. It gets me "out of my head".

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Rainbow maybe this is a little off the wall but could you try imagining being a baby in ts womb instead of your mother. I think the little rainbow would like t to be your mother and be there to comfort you and nurture you.
This might help you with wanting to connect with t too?

I'm not sure. When we used to do more IFS, my T had me imagine her holding baby rainbow, along with my Mom or a close friend as well as my adult Self. She wanted me to be able to comfort the baby myself, though. That's the goal. So, it may be confusing for me, as well as triggering at this point. But you're certainly right. Even though I'm a lot older than my T, a lot of times I wish she could be my Mom. I used to tell her I wanted to be a baby kangeroo and ride around in her pouch all day! She said she liked that image! That was a couple of years ago, though. We've kind of moved beyond that, though I told her the baby and child parts still want her. I even told her she doesn't care about those parts anymore but she said that wasn't true.

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Perhaps you don't need to imagine being a baby in the womb again. Perhaps you need to mourn the fact you no longer are that baby?

For what it's worth, this is something I've tried to express more than once, though probably poorly. In any case, I completely agree.