[adam_k]

After looking into borderline personality disorder, I think it fits me. A lot of the criteria seems too familiar. I'm not sure how to talk to my T about it. I just started seeing her and I've had about 6 sessions so far. One of my concerns is from what I read some people don't like to work with people with BPD. From what I read it is difficult to maintain a patient/client releationship and the client usually ends up quiting in a fit of rage.

I don't get fateful though. I tend to turn all my anger inward. It seems like the only way I can manage it. I stopped expressing my emotions, I think I grew up in an invladating enviroment so I just learned to act how people expected me too. I never learned how to break that behaivor. The constant emptiness and lack of self don't make it any easier.

I am affraid she will drop me as a patient and I will have to start over with someone new. I feel so alone in these issues. I try talking to my wife and she offers little and tells me to talk to my T. I think if my T dropped me, I would feel hopeless.

Does anyone have any experience with this?

You seem to be the 'judge & jury' here. We all fit some BPD criteria in the beginning. My T doesn't like to use dx. She works with what presents. Personally I'd drop trying to self assess & just talk about how you feel.

[anilam]

My T doesn't do dxs too- he says they are too limiting and he likes to treat clients as they are not by they dx.
As much as I wonder why this is so important for you I think you should feel free to discuss it with your T. It's true that BPD patients are considered to be the most challenging by Ts. IDK why... but I don't think it's not right to label clients like this and it'd tell me more about the T if he refused to treat a BDP client just because of his/hers dx than about the client himself. And I would not like to be treated by this T.

[likelife]

I agree with anilam. Six sessions isn't a lot in the grand scheme of things, and if this T seems ill-suited to work with BPD symptoms, it's probably best to find out now rather than later. I understand that it feels difficult to bring up the topic though. From what you describe about yourself, it sounds like you have a good amount of insight - most T's like to work with clients with insight

[ScrewedUpMe]

I agree with Likelife. It would be better to find out if this therapist is not willing to work with BPD symptoms. I have BPD and have been with my therapist for 6 years now. She didn't know all that much about it initially (neither did I as I wasn't yet diagnosed) but she has since endeavored to find out about it and to figure out the best way to treat it. We spend lots of time discussing symptoms and books or articles we have each read on BPD. It has worked well for me. Personally once I had the diagnosis I needed to be able to talk about it and all it's symptoms and affects on my life.

So I would say definitely bring it up with T and see how they react. If it doesn't feel right for you, then maybe try finding someone experienced in dealing with BPD. Good luck!

[Moodswing]

If you are being covered under insurance then the therapist needs to submit a dx code and the amout of sessions covered will be determined by the dx. Therapist just don't discuss the diagnosis with the client because people get hung up on it.

[unaluna]

Adam you don't really strike me as having bpd, unless it's "quiet borderline". Are you quitting your t before she can quit you, or maybe you just don't want to stay with her? That's okay. Have you thought about getting a male t? I just feel like you're looking for stronger direction.

[Anne2.0]

I think that if you really are BPD and your T doesn't want to work with BPD, she would have sniffed this out during session 2 or 3. I don't think it takes that long for those tendencies to emerge.

I think a lot of the criteria for many of the personality disorders apply to lots of people. I think having the disorder per se is more about the severity of the symptoms and the overall damage that the disorder does in one's life.

But my advice, of course, is to ask your T about it. I once thought I had a particular diagnosis, and talking to T about it was a really useful way to get feedback about how he saw me. And how distorted I can perceive others' reactions to me. So it's a good conversation to have, IME.

[ready2makenice]

I have been through this exact feeling. I confronted my T about the whole thing and in the beginning she told me that I was possibly making myself BPD by looking into it so much. But I realized that I do have serious issues and meet 80% of the criteria.

I also don't usually rage on anyone,I do it internally or rage on the wrong people,projecting my feelings.

T don't usually want to work with BPD because 1 they don't really have the knowledge about it and 2 BPD's like myself are constantly quitting impulsively and don't give them the opportunity to figure it out.

I know it's hard and I def understand the fear but you won't know until you talk to your T & try not to self evaluate yourself as well.

Good Luck!!!

[Perna]

I would not worry that you have discovered you have a disorder that your T does not know about or does not want to work with.

I think therapy is mostly about getting to know ourselves with our therapist's help; how we act, the things we say, how we express ourselves in the world, those are open for everyone around us to see. Someone with depression cannot pretend to not be depressed 24 hours a day, someone who is anxious cannot act as if it is "no big deal" covering all situations and conversations.

We give clues to our symptoms all the time and a T is going to take our mental temperature and blood pressure like a doctor takes a physical one. Symptoms are not the problem. I think T's want to help us look at the difficulties we have, the actual things in our way, and those are hard for us to know/see when we first start therapy.

Do tell your T what you see in yourself, how you see yourself but don't worry so much about a particular diagnosis, especially based on symptoms alone; lots of symptoms are in multiple diagnoses and many are also on a continuum where everyone has that tendency sometimes versus those who have that symptom a whole lot.

[wotchermuggle]

Adam, I just wanted to let you know that a lot of diagnoses overlap with similar things. Like, self harm is often a component of BPD, but you don't have to have BPD to self harm - it's a part of MANY diagnoses.

It's nice to have a label sometimes, in terms of coming to grips with how to get better, but I wouldn't rush into anything so early. Of course there is no problem with telling your T you think you meet the criteria. I'm sure it'd lead to a fruitful discussion. Just don't be surprised if they don't want to label you so early either.

[Shiny Things]

I wonder if dx can be important if you are considering meds. I struggle with knowing if I have a chemical imbalance versus personality disorder. I don't know th difference and frankly too lazy to read about it. I am hoping t will help me decide.

[adam_k]

Thanks everyone for the responses. I'm trying not to get hung up on diagnosis or trying to label myself. I just want to figure out why I feel the way I do sometimes. A lot of things can be explained by Major depressive disorder, but there are a few things that cannot that give me frustrations and difficulties.

One of the things that I hate about myself is I find it very hard to see the gray area in people. With most people in my life I see them as all good or bad. I can deal with that most of the time, but it is hard when those feelings arise with my wife. I know rationally I should be somewhere in the middle, but I can seem to find that middle ground.

Most people I keep at arms distance because I don't want to be attached, and I have a tremendous fear of people abandoning me. I would say being alone is the answer, but then when I am I get consumed by my own emptiness and spiral into depression. I feel like it is an emotional paradox. I can't cope with abandonment, but at the same time I have little tolerance for being alone.

These things seem to be to be beyond major depression, and makes me think maybe BPD. I guess it doesn't really matter what diagnosis I have. I have to find ways to cope whatever it is. I guess the diagnosis is more for the T to get a sense of direction and to be able to group people.

I think I am just looking for some sort of balance and a way to feel happy. Whatever that is. I think for most of my life I have felt like I have just existing, and pretty incapable of properly dealing with most of my feelings, so I just push everything down and pretend to as normal as a person can be.

[Jungatheart]

I went through a similar panic self-diagnosis with my therapist. When I first stumbled onto the characteristics of BPD - all I felt was shame. I believe a cure for shame is talking about it - although always risky. My therapist really had no reaction, and basically said it wasn't me. From what I understand, it's a slightly controversial diagnosis.

For me, the thought of a BPD label made me feel like I wanted to shrink - which was really the opposite of what I was trying to accomplish. In a way, it just felt like more judgement when what I needed was self love. If a label helps because it gives understanding and perhaps meds, then pursue it. But also pursue what helps you heal, what helps facilitate your truth, acceptance, and self love.

[Jungatheart]

P.S. Seeing people as good or bad probably started as a way to protect yourself. And now to hate yourself for that - I do understand it - but it perhaps was a way you learned to survive. From my own experiences, hate will never lead you to peace.

[ScrewedUpMe]

I just wanted to add, regarding meds, as someone else said, a diagnosis can help you access the right meds. This is what happened for me. Without the BPD diagnosis I had spent years and years trying every antidepressant out there with little effect. Then finally I was able to access other categories of meds which have been wonder drugs for me.