[crystalrose]

I had therapy yesterday and I got real brave and talked to my Therapist about a man that used to only see me when he wanted sex. I was raped by him a few times when I started to say no. It always felt like rape.

Anyway I spoke to my T about it and we were talking about my emotions about it and all of a sudden I just get these feelings in my body that felt like I was being raped again, just the weirdest sexual feelings in my body also.

I am confused and I have no idea about what it means? what is it? It feels really disgusting and wrong.

Please help.

I am so sorry this happened to you. Last week, while trying to discuss abuse, I had horrible pains in my back as if I were being beaten again. The body remembers and gets triggered.

[growlycat]

Sounds like you are doing the hard work of therapy, give yourself credit. Keep your T in the loop as far as what you are experiencing. T's empathy and responses help emotionally correct the past (really..so hard to believe i'm sure) But only if they aren't in the dark.

Stay connected, hang in there!!!

[crystalrose]

I told her what I was experiencing.

[growlycat]

Was her response helpful or disappointing, if you don't mind my asking?

Body memories are one of the worst things about talking aout this stuff.

[ThisWayOut]

body memories suck... it's funny how many professionals in hospitals dismiss it, but my T's have always been very understanding... ((hugs)) I hope you can keep working through things, and that the body memories don't trigger you too badly...

There's no single answer to this. Keep on exploring it in therapy.

[crystalrose]

Her response started off explaining everything to me in a gentle way and then i dissociated so i don't know what else she said. Thanks for giving me the actual name, body memories. maybe i can make sense of everything that is happening in my body.

[elliemay]

I know my body holds on the certain sensations, smells etc... very very well. In fact, after sometime in therapy, talking about things doesn't bother me anymore.

The body memories, however, are another issue. They remain to this day very evocative and upsetting.

My recovery from that upset is much much faster now. It's become "okay, I feel this way, it sucks, but let's regroup, feel the ground under my feet, feel my feet on the ground."

They aren't disgusting, just there.

Perhaps you could try to understand and love your body better. As it holds onto bad things, it also holds on to good. You can remember what chocolate tastes like.

You can feel soft cotton and soap bubbles.

You can move, smell a gardenia, hold a dog, sleep, wake, and breathe.

All the good stuff that your body does for you is still there, trucking along, keeping you alive.

For whatever reason, Elliemay, your post makes me want to weep. I don't know what that's about exactly.

[WikidPissah]

Yes Ellie...that was moving.

My body remembers so much. It freaks me out a lot, but it is getting better. I had a mastectomy a couple years ago, and even though I had reconstruction, there is no feeling in my breasts at all. But sometimes I have the sensation that I can feel. I feel an itch, or searing pain. My doc told me this was a body memory from the trauma of surgery. Amputees get that same feeling. That was the first time I was able to understand my "other" body memories from various abuse as a child.

It gets better, so I hear.

[mixedup_emotions]

Ellie....Such great feedback. I too experience body memories, and although I haven't talked about them with T, we do work on grounding methods. Your response helped provide me with an additional tool that I didn't know. Thank you.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

My doc told me this was a body memory from the trauma of surgery. Amputees get that same feeling.

I've heard about "phantom limbs", but this is a new idea. It suggests that the manner of amputation might be very important. Interesting.