Couch 52 - Are you being served?

My aunt and cousin are finally coming up in a few days....and my house is nowhere near ready. I am going to need to really step it up a huge notch if I'm going to let them come to my house. I was really trying to hammer through clearing out stuff and trashing things. Now I'm just going to have to go in a different direction where I just pack stuff up and put it in a specific room. Close doors to rooms that I don't want them to go in - and then do some heavy duty cleaning of the floors, etc. I am running out of time. I will plan to focus on that tomorrow afternoon if I don't collapse from the lack of sleep from these assignments. Or, on Thursday when I have nothing scheduled other than T. I might tell my agency that I can't work Thursday. I HAVE to focus on this.

I'm looking forward to having them here though. I used to love entertaining. I'm going to make some of my fresh salsa....my homemade spinach dip that I know my cousin loves....not sure what else yet....oh, and my homemade chocolate pretzels with assorted toppings. We're going to have lunch at my house and then spend the rest of the day at the swim club.

Yes RS it is very Texan and yes, it means get along. I went into therapy talking about my 2 trains of thought. Little me and big me. There is no happy medium, little me wants to be the boss and big me typically lets her....shes a b i tch and causes me such pain and sorrow, I wanna off little me...... too bad big me shares the same body.

i would be just as confused ready. my T tries to say stuff like i need to let the part of me that holds the trama and anger talk . dont know if it is the same thing ,but it feels strange whan she talks like that

Nice to know that I'm not alone in those angry feelings....I, too, have used the words that I want her to just die.

In some weird strange way I think that my not eating correctly for my medical issue, not following drs orders , not taking medication and not going back to drs is sort of my way of killing her.... albeit not the fastest way of doing it.

That child thing. Dunno. I am supposed to be reading Healing the Child Within. I think that came up about a month ago. I've read 3 pages and then just *****ed about it a little bit and said it didn't apply to me.

Right now I am having a panic attack and I feel like I can't breathe. Lexapro can kiss my fat ***. Hating it so far.

I so get this.....its hard to punish her, without it effecting big me.... but we are one and that part sucks

I wondering if MC can work if I really don't feel any kind of connection with the T at all? I keep going b/c h wants to..

At the end of our session on Monday MC handed me an article.. asked me to read it over, mark it up and bring it for next time.. It might be a starting point for h and I to start talking about my past trauma... It is an article on PTSD... As far as I know the dx I have from my regular t is panic disorder- So, I am starting to feel like either MC is waaaayyyy off base, or if he is way more attuned than I want him to be!

MUE.... try to remember to tell yourself everything doesn't have to be perfect to have a good time (its what my T wants me to tell myself to get out of the black and white thinking)...

My self-loathing is really directed towards little healed- the part of me who "let" the bad things happen to me. T and I have talked about getting the emotions out that I probably had as a 10 year old girl when it happened to me, to really start to heal the little girl inside of me. That is why I am reading The Courage to Heal again..Seeing if maybe it will illicit some kind of emotion from within, to come out.

Had group T tonight. It was incredibly frustrating. The new co-T just went on and on and on about stuff that's totally not related to the type of therapy that we do. It was disruptive to the flow of what we do in group. It's only his 2nd week and he's not a gestalt T.

I told him that I wouldn't want him creating hypothetical situations and asking me a bunch of questions like he was with the other member. I told him that I'm not very receptive to him at the moment.

He said he already got that vibe from me and knew that (with a sarcastic tone). My T tried to encourage me to negotiate what I need and that I was clear that I didn't want him talking to me that way. T said, "What would you have preferred co-T say, what would you want from him?"......I said, "Nothing".....Apparently that wasn't a very good answer.

Several other people reacted adversely to him as well. I can tell this is going to be a fun integration process.

The new member was also pretty angry by the end of this session....she doesn't quite understand how this type of therapy works and decided to lash out about how we need to just get on with our lives, how she's angry with my T for telling her to join group so he could make a few extra bucks and how she's angry with me because she ultimately decided to join because of the things I told her - yet her first session was when I was most crazed and struggled with the idea of having a new member, new coT and returning member.

What a night!

Healed... I think MC could work without the connection... maybe for me it would have to be like "he's good enough and I don't hate him"... I think with MC's the client is really "the marriage" and you and H are just the people who he has to work with to get the client better...

did you think anything in the article on PTSD relates? my xT said I have symptoms or reactions that are PTSDish (he knew I don't like labels so he's careful how he worded it)

Ready, that was some really great insight - about not following drs orders, not taking care of yourself - as a way of killing her. Wow. I'm going to have to give that some consideration. Self-punishment at its finest.

Wish I could hang out on the couch more tonight - but I have to be up in 3 hours for my next assignment. I hope I won't fall asleep on the job. It's not easy spending 10 hours sitting in a chair in the hallway waiting for a nurse or doctor to come into the patients room. I better get a bunch of books ready. *YAWN*

Goodnight, couch peeps.

Maybe I should look at that book "Healing the Child Within".... I'm not sure my current T believes in all that "being kind to your inner child" thing... maybe I will ask her....then again probably not

sorry if it was too heavy a subject for the couch

Hi couch friends.
Just saying hi and then I am going to bed.
11.5 hours of work most of it working with volunteers (when I am used to working alone in my office). Then three phone calls the minute I walked in the door. I am so tired of dealing with people. Even talking to the man tonight was difficult. I just want quiet.

hope everyone has a good night... I'm outta here and into bed.

I have the book and the workbook....its a long process, but it does help....good luck RS and nothing is too heavy for the couch.

i dont think it was to harsh a subject i just think a lot of people are just as confused and hating that kid inside

Yes, a lot actually.

I have wondered about that book before. T has never suggested it or anything like it. In fact I was totally shocked that he brought up the topic of "little" me a couple weeks ago. Honestly I never thought he worked in that sort of way and was caught off guard when he brought it up.

Its amazing how with just the right "triggers" I am transported back in "feelings" to an exact time in the past....

also I've experienced this for a long time...its amazing how much you "avoid" or change or do differently than other people to avoid the triggers... like I cannot watch any shows like CSI as an example...

suspense is my enemy!

This was me both times (1 1/2 years apart) my xT mentioned it... and since I was caught off guard I couldn't ask him about it...

good night everyone....

I too have a fear of making people mad.... and therefore I let people walk all over me ( it doesn't appear that way as I am very accommodating to all ) ... when I do upset people I feel like I need to punish me for doing so.... man no wonder I need therapy