Couch 52 - Are you being served?

*YAWN*

Waking up at 2 AM after turning off the computer at midnight and tossing and turning....my eyes feel like burning weights. Took a shower which I hope will help me at least make it through the hour long drive to my assignment. I hope it's a busy one. I need to keep moving so I don't fall asleep.

Wish me luck.

Hope everyone has a good day.

This.

My T said a couple of months ago that apparently it's not the normal thing in a relationship to always be on your guard and pick and choose your words or the subject of conversation. Who knew?

Good luck, mue.

Morning all.

I missed the party last night? lol. Little Wiki sux monkey butts. I have all but eliminated her. I don't buy into the whole "child parts" thing though.

Poison Ivy on my hand. Weird, I have no idea where I got it. It's my left hand, so I didn't get it picking up dog poop (I'm right handed). I'll have to keep it covered so I don't get it on my face. I am scheduled at the wildlife clinic today as well, but I always wear latex gloves, so it'll be fine.

Good Morning Wiki...

yeah... I was in it deep last night... i read a little of the "healing the child within" online and it said that the "child within" for some is their true self... that some people as a result of abuse/neglect had to develop a "false" self so maybe the whole "child part" is just trying to get back to who you would have been without the abuse/neglect. but realistically how do you unwind time...undo things done to you...

xT said I needed to learn compassion for myself... hmmm...certainly does not come naturally.

Well I need to get into the shower...hope everyone has a good day. I'll try to catch up on the happenings during lunch.

Frau T told me something like that in the brief time I saw her. We talked about the breast cancer from 3 yrs ago...and she told me to "thank my body" for coming thru it, instead of reaming it for being so hacked up and Frankenstein's-monster-ish. She had a point, and I did do it for a few weeks. I did feel grateful too...but then I moved on. Another thing she encouraged me to do was, when walking on the beach sing Billy Joel's "Just the Way You Are" to myself. Ick. But I did do it, and after a week or so it helped. i stopped that as well. SIGH. Frau T really could have helped me.

thinking of Stopdog this morning...
I am listening to a compilation of music from the 1940's.
"I don't want to set the world on fire, I just want to start the flame in your heart"

"Open the door, Richard...Richard, why don't you open the door"
(still listening to WWII music)

spamming the couch, but H just made a comment..
"Only you can go from listening to Linkin Park one day to listening to the Andrew Sisters the next".

funny.

this is an excellent cd though..
"I'll be looking at the moon, but I'll be seeing you..."

OMG ready this is what started this whole thing with my T.she showed me videos about self compassion and in the end i freaked. hated myself for saying that self compassion is nothing but being completely self absorbed. i don't remember the whole conversation or what my T said but i ended up thinking she said i was like the mother . it all just felt horrible. i guess it is a big deal for me and might need some work.you think. but i have no idea how to. little me is ,self indulgent,spoiled,demanding,jealous,angry,bratty,needy,ugly inside, ignorant,and the list goes on. how in the heck can any T or person in there right mind expect me to want to be compassionate to that .in fact it is completely embarrassing that it even exists

thinking of cleaning my boys room today just incase he might be comming home for a visit on his b-day

Granite...
That's it. Your T most likely told you that you are treating yourself like the mother treated you. Treating little granite just like the mother. That makes much more sense than her saying YOU were LIKE your mother. You aren't, but that's the way little granite got treated, and you think that's what she deserved.

"this is the GI jive, oh man alive..."

ha ha ha...no, granite...

G - The conversation we had after I watched the self compassion videos bothered me.
T - Why do you think that is?
G - Because it FELT like you said I was just like the mother.
T - I don't remember what I actually said, but I can assure you that I don't think you are just like your mother.
G - Well, that's my biggest fear...being like the mother.
T - Well, lets talk about all the ways you are NOT like her.

BTW - my biggest fear is being like my mother too. Someone at church last week said to her (in my presence) "ah, I can now see where wiki gets it from". Grrrrr... I wanted to scream, I literally wanted to punch this woman in the mouth.

omg that would have killed me wiki. i to hate it when I'm visiting her how all the people say there is no denying she is your daughter.

My mother's birthday is coming up at the end of the month. My oldest niece from out of state (who is closer to my age than most of my siblings) called and wants to come stay here that weekend. I adore her, and H gets along with her H really well, and her girls are super sweet, so I said yes. Now I am thinking this means I'll have to have family over here and have a cake for her. Grrrr. She is a good grandma, most of the kids love her...so I suppose I should do it for my niece. My siblings that live near me haven't even seen my new house yet...I've been here for 2 months.

okay...enough spamming the couch, I am off to save the animals, one little bird at a time. lol

Trying to watch a police video of the arrest and interview of my client. All I can see is the ceiling of the various rooms the cop is in. Where do the police mount their fricking cameras? Apparently, it's smack dab on the top of their head, pointed up.

Then I'd say they mount them on their little heads. Bad boys bad boys, watcha gonna do?

Of course that's the first thing that popped into my head too!

Wow, I sleep in and went to bed early last night and the couch adds over 10 pages since my last visit. I don't have time to catch up as I need to go grocery shopping and then pick up C later (his mom texted me and asked if I could today). Yea...more tine with C...he's such a fun kid.

I don't know what went on on the couch when I was away, so if I missed anything important, I am sorry. I'll just jump back in here.

I hope everyone has a good afternoon.

I always had fun when their audio or the visual mysteriously broke in the middle. Particularly if it kept happening with the same cops. Since I only did post-conviction, those of us in the appellate office spent time educating the trial attorneys about the record we needed them to make.

Seriously, little granite is a tough resourceful survivor. She would have come out of the woods as the leader of the wolf pack but she wasn't that lucky. She stayed in so called civilization.

Yeah, unfortunately, the cops pulling one of my DUI clients over always have GREAT quality video of my clients staggering or doing bizarre things. One client chased the cop around in reverse. The client turned his back on the cop and stuck his hands behind his back to be handcuffed RIGHT when the cop walked up. The cop tries to talk to the client, and tries to go around to face him, and the client keeps trying to keep his back to the cop and keeps trying to back up to the cop with his hands out. He was literally spinning and trotting backwards after the cop as the cop trots away from the client, trying to get around to face him. The cop keeps yelling, "I don't want to arrest you if I don't have to!" Client finally falls on his face on the ground, and begins shouting, "Don't beat me! Don't beat me!" I was laughing so hard I almost wet my pants.

The recurring theme in my therapy is self-compassion and how I don't have any. T frames almost everything in a way where if it was anyone else, I'd feel oodles of compassion for her. Like, my overeating is a coping mechanism to help me get through all this stuff. Anyone else going through all I'm going through would get my compassion, but not me. And clearly, it was my 13-year old self's responsibility for having been abused. If it was any other 13 year old, I'd kill the sonofa***** who did it to her, but my abuse is still somehow my fault.

It's a long, long process to let go of that self-hatred. I've just started to do that after almost 2 years of therapy. For me the first step has been to at least see the absurdity of not giving compassion to myself in circumstances where I would give it to others. It's the hardest thing I've had to do.