Couch 52 - Are you being served?

Well I was running late so I didn't really have any time to sit in the waiting room and get all nervous. He came right out when I came into office 2 minutes late so I took that as a sign from God that this would be good because in 18 months of seeing T he has never been on time and I usually had a 15 minute wait time.

So after being all tongue tied for a few minutes I just let out this big sigh... said that I wasn't sure what I wanted from this visit... I started to talk about the 3 times that I had contacted him since leaving 8 months ago and how I had just recently realized (and confirmed by going back to emails and checking dates,etc) that all those times were precedented by incidents that made me extremely angry and hurt by my H but that I don't feel like I can show anger towards my H and that I reached out to xT.... and that it was like the only person I felt safe to be angry with is xT... xT said that was good that meant that I trusted him. I said well but I didn't know that was what I was doing so all the "finding fault" (although some of it was legitimate) and all the anger I had "projected" on him I thought was really about xT and so that was a lot of the confusion in my therapy and why I had such a push pull about it all and why it was so frustrating...

We talked a little about a ptsd reaction I had to one incident of my H showing anger (nothing physical just red faced and I knew he was angry at me) and we talked about how my energy and effort that xT thinks I use to make sure no one gets "disappointed"/angry with me... I even shared how this is what makes me stuck/frozen in making decisions/ starting new things/ going back to drs when I've done something like stopping medicine without telling them, etc.. (its a life theme)..

I told him I was seeing current T (she) (who he offered as a referral after the first time I wanted to stop with him )... I told him that I didn't tell her his name so that I could talk about him and how she helped me talk through the things he said that really "pissed me off"... and that time and distance gave me a whole new perspective on our time together and that i really appreciated all the work he had to do to get me to build a window in my fortress so we could work together.

I told him that with current T that I sort of have this boundary set up where we only talk about the current time stuff and that I didn't want to go into the past directly because its was so frustrating to do with him and the fact that I have dissociative amnesia with years missing... I told him my goal for therapy is to be "comfortable in my own skin." He told me that eventually for me to reach that goal, I was going to need to deal with the little girl inside that I "hate"( he hesitated and I filled in the word) but that it just might not be the right time. He told me he was sure current T would be willing to go down that path with me when I was ready. I told him that I would need to know I have the money to be able to deal with all of that so when my parents kick if they leave me money maybe I would be back. (He said how ironic that I equate my parent death with my healing ) He said he was not going anywhere and that I can always come into see him at any time.

I had asked him to let me know when it was 8 minutes before the end... After he gave me the warning... he said that I didn't need to come in for him... He didn't hold any "ill will" towards me. Then he looked straight at me right in the eyes and said "I'm not angry with you" and that's when I realized the whole reason I had to see him is because of my "need to make sure no one is angry with me". He told me to let him know how I was doing from time to time and if I want to hear back from him to make sure I tell him to respond and we said "See you later"... (he knows I hate goodbyes)

thanks, all, for your support. I'm sorry I have very few words right now.

wikid, it's really really nice to hear that you are in that place with your H. I hope you'll have a great anniversary together.

(((((((mastodon)))))))))

I felt judged by your response. Perhaps my perception is clouded by how things transpired between us and how it was left, so I'm less able to see your feedback as intending to be helpful and not harmful, judgmental or critical.

I've been fearful of reaching out to you via PM and on the couch/forum, but if your intent is to try to be helpful, then maybe we can try to have a dialogue to help rebuild things between us via PM. If you're willing...

((( RTS )))

Wow, that sounds like such an insightful and valuable session!

I am laughing at myself and thinking about how we see what others do as opposed to how they are experiencing it. Wikid's description of her and her son playing jokes/scaring each other is fine - they both seem to enjoy it and I am not criticizing it - but reading about it makes me panic. Being deliberately frightened like that completely undoes me (this is NOT about Wikid or criticizing her) and the idea of a mother doing it to a child makes me want to cry (when I think of being scared like that as a child - I usually could not keep from crying even now, I have a very bad reaction). Just reading "I put x in son's room to scare him" could be read one way out of context (my real point here) - but in context - both mother and son seem to bond and enjoy such.
Just reiterating out loud that our personal reaction to something is not necessarily the reaction of others.

wow ready he sound like he really heard you .hows leaving him and seeing another T feeling to you now

Ready...that's so freaking cool. Good job. You must feel a bit of a weight off of your shoulders?

ha...yea, I didn't even think of how it could look to others! Son is 26, I didn't scare him as a child, honest. lol. He started it by perching a scarecrow outside my bedroom window last year.

and he called my stick blender a "phallus shaped whipper". he deserves to be scared.

omg lol yup i agree

LOL, wiki! And SD, I totally hear you on that!

My friend told me all the ways her kids tried to scare her - and the things she did to them. Some were SUPER scary. One of her kids was rather young and always pulled pranks on her. He watched whatever that movie with Chuckie was and got scared. So, she ended up putting a Chuckie doll under his bed...and when he went to bed, she was under it and pushed the Chuckie doll out from under his bed. He totally freaked.

I wasn't able to see the humor in it because the idea of doing that to my scared child feels horrendous. But, if that's their thing and they get a kick out of it, then I think, who am I to judge. It works for them, just not for me.

I am so so so so so so so so glad I went to see him. It is a huge weight lifted off my sholders (even if I "shouldn't" have that weight, the reality is that I do...something to work on)...

It actually in someways has made me feel more open to working on things with current T.

I told xT that in the past he said it shouldn't matter whether a T is male or female but i told him "its made a big difference to me since I don't "trust" men well you don't fit in that category" He laughed and said...hmmm..maybe something else you might decide to work on... I laughed too because I realized it could have been taken as "he doesn't fit in the men category" ... I used to tell him that I tried to think of him as "unisexed".

I know leaving him and working with current T is what was best for me. xT doesn't do a lot of skills work... xT was impressed that I could say the words "depression" and "anxiety" since they were labels that I forbid him to use.. we said "sad" and "nervous". He was also impressed how I seem to have a whole new vocabulary when it came to expressing my feelings....using "feeling" words.. I've learned a lot of semi CBT skills to use and its been helpful.. although current T is more eclectic so its not just CBT but xT was straight psychodynamic.

I have no regrets about anything and I will keep in touch with xT and the door is alway open to go back if I need to...

It sort of closed the door on the drama in my mind...

That's totally amazing Ready. Really good stuff.

ready it is so awsome to read these posts. i do hope it allows you to move foward easier with this T now. so glad you did this . you go girl. can i be like you when i decide to grow up ready you realy do rock. goodness what a huge step

my sons birthday is on the 16th so off to go shopping to get some stuff to send him. what do you get a boy in the marines living in toyko and has everything

Ok... I think that is the most about me that I have ever written on the couch (excluding rants about H)... sorry it was so long... feels weird

I don't know when my next session with current T is... I have one scheduled this Thursday but I will need to reschedule since my son has a banquet and needs to be picked up from Boys State program ...I think I will try to reschedule it today.

The first thing I will do is tell current T that I saw xT. I know they know each other professionally and even though they aren't supposed to talk about clients to each other I would never want there to be any "weirdness" about it. I wouldn't want to feel like I couldn't bring it up if I needed to. She once asked me if I thought I would be able to work with xT better now since I had figured a few things out so I know its a conversation that can be had. But I don't want to take a whole session on it because we are going to talk about cognitive distortions... But then I can think of a few of those that have played a big part in my problems with xT and will be a perfect segway (spelled wrong but too lazy to look up) into my visit with xT.

overkill right i just want you to know i am so proud of you and think it is awsome

Granite... I don't see your comments as overkill... I appreciate your support...makes me feel okay about sharing it... sometimes I have to fight my inner feelings about not being worthy ... that people don't really care...so it helps.

If my son were overseas... I would send him all of his favorite treats that he might not be able to get in another country . Like here in my section of country they have these snack cakes brand "Tastycake" and I remember mailing them to my sister while she was living in Hawaii... I bet there are bunches of little things that he can't get there like certain candies or magazines or stuff like that .... just somethings I think of .... things that would remind him of home or when he was a kid...

Ready...we do care.
Granite...when my son was in college he would ask me to mail him cookies.

Ready, I understand the feeling (and I know I've pushed my stuff onto this couch WAY too much because of my recent craziness, but that's winding down)....but know that I care and you are worthy to me. (( HUGS ))

i want my T...

RTS, that was an inspiring, wonderful post. Thank you for sharing that with us. I wish sometimes that I could be that open - you do have lots of people who care about you here (including a flightless mammoth).

Is calling him out of the question? Is it still a holiday?

(((( Mastodon ))))