Couch 52 - Are you being served?

OK can i just say this is supporting my argument for continuing to say nothing in T. when in doubt say nothing .

I think the healing comes from telling T the awful stuff, feeling the resulting awful feelings, but then going back and seeing that T still supports and cares for you.

It's not fun though. Bleh.

Saying nothing is what I've been doing all my life...and I always believed that by saying nothing, no more harm could come to me. I'm finding out that that is not the case. I was warned that I would feel worse before I would feel better.

Starting to get nervous about seeing T....ack.

Oh, I could have written these words.

When writing this here I realise that I'm not sorry I told T what I did. I don't fear his judging me. I just cannot believe that what I said is true, and I'm scared stiff of what the consequences may be. Blargh. Sorry to sound melodramatic and vague.

I also don't want T to go away....

Good luck with your T session, mu_e. I hope it will be good and productive and not too hard for you.

Thanks, Mastodon...

I hear you about the disbelief and the fear of consequences. You are not alone!

20 seconds of courage. 20 seconds of courage. I just have to keep repeating that to myself.

...and I'm really getting anxious about the blog notes that haven't been posted yet from group T. The new coT and I are not off to a good start. I hate that he'll be writing the notes, cuz things will then be based on his perspective. And I don't like the vibe I'm getting from him when it comes to what he thinks of me. Grr.

Okay. Can I just say - uh, no??

I'm tired of being the only one getting in trouble for being a bigmouth all the time!

hank you is not in trouble lol at all .

DISCLAIMER

i feel the need to explain the can i just say .it just means i am about to get on my soap box and state my opinion .kind of in fun (see soap box) . i do feel to say nothing is best most of the time but i am not faulting anyone for wanting to talk in T at all. but please feel free to continue my plight for silence if you will.

ps i think it is very brave to talk ,just saying

Having been in both the "it's better not to talk" group and the "talk even though it's hard to share" group, I'd say my life is SO much better since I've started to share the real me with people...things that have happened, how I feel, and what's really going on inside of me. I don't feel like I'm hiding anymore. I have more real relationships. I can trust people and connect to people because my past isn't running my life so much anymore. When I was keeping it all to myself, I only had my own thoughts and perspectives about it to help me make sense of it. And my perspective was largely based on messages I got from those who had caused the trauma...so they were a little off. Since I started sharing my experiences with T and a friend, I see them react differently and it makes me stop and challenge my old beliefs. I see my life so much differently. I do not believe I deserved the abuse anymore...most of the time...still working on all this . But talking about my experiences, even though tough and painful and something I dread, has been so healing. I look back at who I was and I don't know how I survived. I wouldn't go back there for anything.

Just my 2 cents . (stepping down off my soap box now )

Hope everyone is doing okay today!

I'm glad to hear that has improved your life, Ellie, and that you have people you can share with.

Having friends back off when they feel unable to accept your confidences is not helpful, however; nor is the knowledge that one can share but is not worthy of being the recipient of confidences. It is necessary to weigh risks against possible gain.

Thanks Mastodon. How are you doing today? Anything fun planned?

I'm watching an episide of the Forsyte Saga - it's almost bedtime. Yourself?

OMG OMG OMG i was messing around on FB and saw a post that my step sister posted on her daughters FB .so i decided to send her a friend request . and she accepted!!!!!! OMG she has refused to talk to me for years because of how the mother treated her . some how i got thrown in this .anyway she is posting likes on my pic and stuff and i dont know how to respond .kind of paralized about it .i never expected her to respond and i dont know how to respond to not make her go away again.

My son has two baseball games today, so I get to go watch those, which I love doing. He just started playing for his high school, so it's fun to watch. And I've got to go run some errands first...so I really need to put the computer down lol. I've been playing the candy crush saga game too, and that is super addicting...but if I don't make it to the store before his baseball game his team will have to eat hot dogs with no buns. Oh the tragedy! I guess I should go. Have a good evening though!

am i getting everyone mad at me and thnking i am being mean with my commenting about not talking in T .if so i am sorry and i will keep quiet .it seems people are getting upset at me .im sorry i love you all and dont want to be doing that .

Really cool granite! Just breathe . Fun to see pictures and all that! It sounds like it's probably more about the mother and not about you...so don't worry...just have fun! Say hi!

Step 4-color...you can see the crackle coming thru. I want this thing to look old and worn out eventually. I was going for an ocean color.

I don't know why you would think that you are getting people mad (Granite). Nothing that you wrote seemed objectionable to me

Btw, very exciting news about your step sister. I hope it goes well.

I don't think anyone is upset at you...from what I read...and I'm certainly not! I thought it was an interesting discussion and I missed most of it so I just wanted to add my experience. I hope you don't think I'm mad at you! I totally get what your saying. I've been there too. I just wanted to share my experience in stepping out of the silence because it's changed my whole world. I hope I didn't say anything that offended you. Everything you are saying is just fine and I'm glad you are sharing your experience too! I really am.

And I didn't get out of the house fast enough to go run my errands, so now I have to go after I drop my son off at his game...which means I get to actually sit here and do whatever I want for an hour, and even in the middle of the day! Yay! Normally I just get to stop in on the couch late at night and no one is here.

Granite...who's mad? Not me either. chill. it's okay.

It is really cool about your step-sister. Sometimes time does heal wounds, we get to a place where we can't remember why we were angry to begin with. Just play it cool, like her pictures, maybe comment on how lovely her daughter is, or something benign.

Yep, for sure. It's always a risk and unfortunately it doesn't always pay off. Even in T.

looking good