[5678scream]

I have been seeing my current therapist for over a year now. And I still feel like I am dancing around issues. My memory is horrible, and I just feel that if, if only if, I could remember things when growing up, that I would have something to talk about in therapy. As it is, I am fighting an invisible dragon. And now I am afraid that I am going to be kicked out for not working hard enough, or doing enough. If you have PTSD or can remember a trauma, at least you know what you are up against. I do not know, yet I know that I feel like *****, my self-esteem is low, I have severe social anxiety, yet how can I work on my issues if I don’t know where they originate from? Isn’t that a must for me to grow and get better? Any words of advice or understanding would be greatly appreciated.

[possum220]

Could be that you don't remember things because you aren't ready to deal with it yet. Our subconscious mind is a very tricky place to look into. Try not to give up and try not to push things cause that only makes it harder. Be at peace. Things will come when the time and place is right and you are ready.

[Neptune83]

Perhaps you've completely suppressed memories because they are just too painful? Perhaps as said above, you're mind just isn't ready to deal with it yet? I don't think you'd be kicked out of therapy, the whole point of therapy is to help get to the bottom of why you have these issues and try to look at ways you can manage your symptoms and deal with whatever has happened.
Have you tried hypnotherapy? I don't know if that could be helpful?

[optimitic2the-end]

Maybe you don't have any specific trauma to remember? All the issues you are struggling with can be attributed to so many different things - if you aren't making any progress, could you consider seeing a different T? I don't think you have to know for sure where your feelings "originate from" and I think your T should be able to help you regardless. Not every T/client relationship works and I would say after a year you should be feeling progress. No matter what, don't blame yourself; you are worthy to be happy/healthy

[ultramar]

I agree with the above post. The thing is, the 'symptoms' (for lack of a better word) of having been through trauma are many of the same as for so many other things. I actually take issue sometimes with things I have read that seem to indicate that if you are/have x,y,z you must have been abused, because I think it encourages too much certainty (in the absence of memory) when it would be more helpful to keep an open mind. Everyone's different, so one person may be experiencing certain things, suffering in particular ways, largely or partly as a result of a trauma, whereas another person may be experiencing similar things, but for different reasons/with different origins. Regardless, I tend to think there are a multiplicity of factors that make us who we are today.

I'm sorry you're fearing that your therapist won't want to work with you because you don't remember some things from your childhood, and/or you don't remember trauma. But I think it would be very uncommon for a therapist to think this way. I think they take into account the totality of your life and experiences (of what you do remember) and aren't so concerned about the origins, especially if they are not clearly remembered.

I don't think you necessarily need to talk about the past a great deal in order to progress in therapy, and especially in order for your therapist to feel you're progressing in therapy (you seem to be worried you don't have enough to talk about) -it really depends on the person. Whatever you feel you need to work on, that's what you need to work on. I think anxiety, depression and other things can improve with therapy without pinpointing an exact origin.

Maybe if you start letting go of finding the origins, it will free you up to work on what you do know, and what is distressing you right now. I'd imagine that worrying about what may or may not have happened may be very anxiety-inducing, and then not finding it, may make you feel frustrated and/or badly about yourself.

Have you talked to your therapist about this? What has she said about it? If you're feeling stuck, I'd talk to her about this and ways you can move forward in a way that's helpful for you. Best of luck

I have had the same problems...feeling like I run around in circles due to my own crappy memory! I often can't remember what I told her so bringing stuff up feels like going through it all over again...and again and again and again. I do not have access to a linear story...so I can't just go in there and say "first A happened...then B happened."

I told her just the other day I didn't want her to feel like I wasn't trying and I have been feeling very frustrated because I feel like I have no control over certain issues or feelings, despite trying actively to use all my coping mechanisms. She immediately correctly this cognitive distortion (the one about her feeling like I wasn't trying...) although I'm sure it will take me months to believe her. Have you tried bringing up your frustrations yet?

[sadp8r]

Originally Posted by 5678scream

I have been seeing my current therapist for over a year now. And I still feel like I am dancing around issues. My memory is horrible, and I just feel that if, if only if, I could remember things when growing up, that I would have something to talk about in therapy. As it is, I am fighting an invisible dragon. And now I am afraid that I am going to be kicked out for not working hard enough, or doing enough. If you have PTSD or can remember a trauma, at least you know what you are up against. I do not know, yet I know that I feel like *****, my self-esteem is low, I have severe social anxiety, yet how can I work on my issues if I don’t know where they originate from? Isn’t that a must for me to grow and get better? Any words of advice or understanding would be greatly appreciated.

I just read this. I've just been told I have unsettled abandonment issues I think it stems from my childhood...I'm going to be working on that issue with my counselor...sometimes I wish I could snap my fingers and have a somewhat normal life...but perhaps when we help each other get through another day we become stronger people for it...