[tinyrabbit]

I recently realised something that has vastly improved my relationship with my T, but has also left me feeling completely robbed. I started therapy six months ago, and my T is a gentle, kind, patient and caring man, but transference gets in the way of me experiencing him like that.

For the first few months, I thought he was cold, distant, uncaring and mean. When I let myself see how caring he was, I felt confused and suspicious. Gradually, I started to see more of him, the caring therapist, especially after we began sitting on the floor, but I still experienced him as cold, critical, mean or mocking at times. A few weeks ago, he seemed to be shouting at me really loudly and I thought it was objectively real because my ears hurt.

I also kept experiencing him speaking to me in this really horrible, mocking voice. I got really angry about it. My T said maybe I just needed to get really angry with someone. I thought: I'm angry with YOU, why are you denying this, you're obviously being mean to me. And then it dawned on me: I was experiencing a tone of voice that wasn't coming from him, but from transference.

Once I checked that out with him, I checked out a whole load of other things too. Times I heard him speaking to me like dirt on the bottom of his shoe - he says it's unthinkable that he would actually speak to a client like that. The time he shouted at me - he wasn't shouting! He said it's completely plausible to have the experience of my ears hurting even if he's not really shouting.

Well thanks, Captain Transference, thanks a whole freaking bunch.

Basically I've spent six months sitting in a room with a really kind person who cares about me, not being able to experience his caring for me, not having anywhere to put his kindness, being suspicious and confused by it. The fact I couldn't simply go in there and feel cared-for is part of the reason I'm in therapy, but I feel like I've been robbed.

My T says I've been robbed my whole life. It just hurts, a lot, to think that the stuff I'm dealing with has not only messed me up, but has even stopped me getting the full benefit of my T - though he doesn't see it like that, as this transference stuff kind of needs to happen.

A part of me has always known that he cares about me, but I've also had so many experiences that have caused me to doubt that, so many ruptures where I've lost the image of the good-enough therapist and he's had to repair my trust, again and again. My T says that I know, unconsciously, that I can trust him, and that's why I'm able to go in there and go through the experience of not trusting him.

But I wish I could've just felt cared-for this whole time. I feel like I've missed out on so much. I'm sorry this is so long. I'm not sure it even belongs in this section.

[murray]

Captain Transference really sucks doesn't it?

I have had sessions where I have been sure that T has stood up and loomed over me screaming...even though I know he never moved from his chair. It is amazing the way our minds can mess with us.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by murray

Captain Transference really sucks doesn't it?

It really does.

I have had sessions where I have been sure that T has stood up and loomed over me screaming...even though I know he never moved from his chair. It is amazing the way our minds can mess with us.

I'm so sorry to hear that, but glad you posted about it. I appreciate knowing I'm not the only one who has these experiences. I thought my T yelled loudly enough for half the street to hear. He did me a demo of his actual idea of a raised voice - it was really gentle and just ever-so-slightly louder than usual. Not shouting, not remotely.

Did you know you might have these experiences when you started? I didn't. I read somewhere that clients go to therapy with a willingness to re-experience the past but I had no clue, I just knew I needed help.

[murray]

I certainly had no idea that I would experience anything like that.

[tinyrabbit]

Do you think you would have believed it if anyone had told you? And would you still have gone to therapy? I suspect I either wouldn't have believed it, or would have run away screaming!

[murray]

Good question. I doubt I would have believed it.

[Mapleton]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I recently realised something that has vastly improved my relationship with my T, but has also left me feeling completely robbed. I started therapy six months ago, and my T is a gentle, kind, patient and caring man, but transference gets in the way of me experiencing him like that.

Fingers crossed that this can allow for a breakthrough for you

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

Do you think you would have believed it if anyone had told you? And would you still have gone to therapy? I suspect I either wouldn't have believed it, or would have run away screaming!

I think a therapist might take that the wrong way, like a psychosis or something.

I have like this "reset" thing that my autistic brain does to get the ADD under control, like trying to find a starting point and refocusing. The resets have just been bad memories lately, and I'm torn about mentioning it because of how it might be seen as something... IDK... psychotic? And I don't want to be labelled that or be told I need meds for that.

[tinyrabbit]

Thanks for all the hugs, people.

Mapleton, I don't think bad memories, or enactments of bad memories, would make a T think you're psychotic. Do you want to expand a bit on what you mean by a reset?

[Mapleton]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

Thanks for all the hugs, people.

Mapleton, I don't think bad memories, or enactments of bad memories, would make a T think you're psychotic. Do you want to expand a bit on what you mean by a reset?

To explain with an xckd cartoon... sometimes I feel a little like..



What I mean to say, I guess is that I have, I'm pretty sure, Autism and ADD. I'm not sure precisely how autism works, but I think maybe just idiosyncraticness... like normal but with a bit of quirkiness or uniqueness?

The ADD part of me, when I try to concentrate harder on something, it gets harder to concentrate. When I'm trying to figure out stuff, then my mind can be very busy; Full and wandering thoughts (although not too fast like bipolar.)

To calm stuff down or get centered I can try and stop thinking about things, like mindfulness, and then I try to start at the beginning. I'm frequently thinking of something mathematical or system oriented so I might start with a thought of a number.

With me so far? (and I'm sorry for rambling)

Lately though, since all of this new assessment for therapy, I've not been able to concentrate on much except for issues surrounding my therapy: the conversations that might be had, worries, concerns, things that I should say, things I can't say... etc etc

The assessment brought up some pretty dark memories that I'd prefer not to remember. I know that I can't bring them up in therapy. At least not until I trust the process, but they remain there.

The way they come up for me, is when I try and center myself after getting a bit lost in an inattentive daydream or wandering thoughts, I'll have the traumatic memory, except not 'feel' terrible... just be aware of it. A "reset" is what I've termed it. It's the same as I might have done before, except a little worrying and less resolvable.

So does any of this make sense or do you think its a 1psychotic episode?

1 (or I was going to use the term "cray-cray" to make light of this oddity, but I don't want to cause offense to anyone suffering with anything like that)

[GenCat]

Thank you for sharing what your going through with transference.
I haven't gotten to that point yet with my T, and Im not sure if I really want it or not. But after what you have said I will definitely try to pay attention to "transference".

[ECHOES]

I did the same thing, even having what felt like nice therapy sessions, only to experience them later as T being cold, distant, angry, disgusted....

I think it can take the mind a while to work through the suspiciousness and fears that we have. It's as if the T has to "prove" him/herself to us not only through our physical meeting together, but how we experience them internally, too.

[Perna]

Don't forget that there's the wider range of experience with T the longer we see them that changes our perceptions too. When I first saw T I thought she was brilliant, like everything she said was right on target and almost like she could read my mind? But it was just that I was so closed up and "obvious" and we hadn't said much yet! So, of course everything she said was going to be significant, there wasn't years and years of conversation and thought behind it at first. It's like how important your first grade teacher is to you versus one of your 11th grade teachers :-) When you relax and look around some you learn more about your surroundings and aren't laser-keyed on your T and that particular struggle.

[WikidPissah]

All is not lost tinyrabbit, you can try to experience T as kind and caring from now on!

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

It's as if the T has to "prove" him/herself to us not only through our physical meeting together, but how we experience them internally, too.

That's a good way of putting it. I'm sorry to hear you've had similar experiences.

Originally Posted by Perna

Don't forget that there's the wider range of experience with T the longer we see them that changes our perceptions too.

Really interesting post, thank you.

Originally Posted by Mapleton

The way they come up for me, is when I try and center myself after getting a bit lost in an inattentive daydream or wandering thoughts, I'll have the traumatic memory, except not 'feel' terrible... just be aware of it. A "reset" is what I've termed it. It's the same as I might have done before, except a little worrying and less resolvable.

So does any of this make sense or do you think its a 1psychotic episode?

It makes perfect sense, and doesn't sound remotely psychotic or crazy. I think it's actually a form of self-protection, in that some part of you knows you're not ready to feel all the feelings connected with those memories yet, so you're experiencing the knowledge but the associated feelings aren't quite coming out yet.

Thanks to everyone who replied. One thing I've learned is that, if I'm annoyed with how I've experienced my T, I may well be wrong!

Thanks for this thread Tiny,
I always think of transference as the erotic kind but you have reminded me that it can apply to real life situations too and not just in therapy. it is almost like we have to stop and think about things now rather than just react, I know I always think wait, this could be tranference.....
I think I will end up driving myself bonkers