So I emailed my T about a couple of things from my childhood and one thing from after I was an adult with my FOO. It seemed like important stuff at the time I was writing it, but had never seemed all that important before. Shoot, the one thing I had totally and completely forgotten about until an email from a friend made me think of it. So suddenly it seems important and I wrote the email so I wouldn't "forget" again, because every time this incident has come up, I just forget it again ten minutes later, until the next time it comes up and then I'm like, "Oh, yeah, I really felt like **** about that." I did start by saying it was a giant long email and he didn't have to read it, I just needed to get it down so I could address it in session.

Anyway, he pretty promptly emailed back, thanking me for sharing and telling me how important he thinks it is to address the thoughts and feelings surrounding these things. HOWEVER, I have begun second guessing myself and thinking these things are no big deal and I am just an attention monger who is trying to manipulate my T into thinking about me outside the 50 minutes I have paid for. Like I am just looking for excuses to email him. At the time, I did not think so, but ... I mean really, nothing I said was all that important or that big of a deal that it could not have waited.

So, how does anyone know what is important enough to email? Really, I didn't even think these things were important enough to talk about in session, apparently, because it didn't even occur to me to tell him about it until today.

[pbutton]

My T told me that since I have such a strong tendency to minimize painful events that it's good for me to write it out while I have details/emotions. That way he gets a better view into what's really going on in my head at the time. That sounds like what you just did. Nice work, lady.

If you were doing this for attention, I can't believe that you'd be worried about doing so. Your focus would be on you, not on your effect on other people.

[kaliope]

if you are worried about bothering t and whether it is important enough, why dont you write it all down as it comes up and then save it and bring it to session with you to discuss rather than emailing it. that way you are talking about it in the time you are paying for and not using up t's resources outside of session.

Sometimes, it's because I think I will chicken out of telling him, or I will have decided by the time the session rolls around that it's stupid and not worth discussing. So far, he has always said that the things I have emailed are not stupid, and stuff we need to address. Which kind of led to my question of how do you know what stuff is stupid and what stuff you need to address and might be "worthy" of being emailed. So far I have chosen correctly, apparently, but not sure if I know why or how I have chosen correctly.

[pbutton]

I think your T will tell you if you're not choosing correctly.

If it's trauma related, it's fair game. If it's what you had for lunch - that's a no.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Sometimes, it's because I think I will chicken out of telling him, or I will have decided by the time the session rolls around that it's stupid and not worth discussing. So far, he has always said that the things I have emailed are not stupid, and stuff we need to address. Which kind of led to my question of how do you know what stuff is stupid and what stuff you need to address and might be "worthy" of being emailed. So far I have chosen correctly, apparently, but not sure if I know why or how I have chosen correctly.

MCAK i think it is good you e-mailed him .he has asked you to do so ,remember? so i dont thnk it will be a problem.

i totally am going through the same kind of thing with writing letters to my T and never giving them to her because they are stupid.so i get the e-mailing it so you dont chicken out. it will be ok

[CantExplain]

My experience with Madame T is that it is never a good thing to email her.
But it may still be the lesser of two evils.
When I'm angry and obsessing at 2am, a good hurtful email at least lets me sleep.

[stopdog]

I find if I cannot shake it or distract from it, I send (I usually use regular mail) it.
I don't have an urge to just chat with the woman, so if nothing else, what I send is important to me and that is good enough for me. The therapist can read it or not - that is up to them.

[precious things]

Assuming a T is open to email contact in the first place, I would never send T updates about my day-to-day living (meaning for ex: "hey I had I fight with my husband and I'm so mad...or I think I need more friends, etc... Those things can wait until the next session.

This is the first T I've had where they said "would you email me what you write about x,y,z). At first I only would contact via email if specifically directed, then we had a trauma session where afterwards I had a huge reaction and sent a brief email saying I was really bothered with T...he responded and we ended up talking on the phone. Another time I felt I just completely flubbed an important question in therapy and once I was home and able to pull my thoughts together, I sent an email thy specifically said "no response needed, just needed to clarify". Mostly, the urge to email stems from trauma work which I do think is fair game however I personally (like you) try and think, "what am I hoping to gain from sending this..is it needing the connection or is there a more specific need?". I love being able to email my T but I am very careful not to abuse it (and in your case, certainly does not sound that way to me). I also try and stay away from weekend emails because I want to respect his personal time.

Yeah, it's definitely the trauma stuff that has me reaching out. He does say I minimize what happened to me, and has encouraged me to email sort of "in the moment" when I have those flashes that something is, in fact, important or a big deal. I do try not to abuse it, and I guess I was worrying that I would abuse it somehow without knowing that I was.

If it feels important to you in the moment, then it is important. And I think you can trust your T to help you sort through what may be more or less crucial; giving him as much of the relevant information as possible can't be the wrong thing to do.

[Sila]

Idk, I have things a little different I think.
My T lets me contact her outside of our appointments without any hesitation, but I have my own boundaries set up.
I have my iPod touch by my bed so if I have any ongoing thoughts at night that I can't get out of my head, I jot them down on the notepad in that and then roll over and sleep.
If anything comes up during the day, I write it down when I can think straight enough. Sometimes I write nothing more than just a few key words.

I e-mail things to her that are unrelated to what I'm actually seeing her for, but that's because she likes it when I'm comfortable enough to share things such as my art. Or when I made the leap and contacted someone finally, after spending a few weeks building up to it.
I have emailed her before when I had a rough day and I just needed to be heard, and possibly talk about it in next session.
She's allowed me to text if I ever needed her, and I have taken her up on that offer once when I was in emergency mode mentally. I was at my boyfriend's parent's house and his stepdad got drunk and angry, and I got super panicked and couldn't react appropriately, and I felt like I was in danger. She helped me 'dial down' emotionally and listed a few possible options that would help get me out of that situation, things I couldn't think of myself at the time because I wasn't thinking clearly.

Once I brought up that I was afraid of going 'off topic' in session because I thought I *needed* something to talk about, something important. She reminded me that this isnt school, and we're able to talk about anything that pops into mind if I want. Hell we've even had discussions on favorite cleaning products. rofl

idk anymore. I bring up things that are troubling me and my T just glosses over them like they were nothing. Usually i'm in a such a bad place emotionally I don't follow them up because i think they mustn't be important as he didn't say much or dismissed them.

[Mapleton]

Originally Posted by Bipolarartist

idk anymore. I bring up things that are troubling me and my T just glosses over them like they were nothing. Usually i'm in a such a bad place emotionally I don't follow them up because i think they mustn't be important as he didn't say much or dismissed them.

Do you think, one time, you could wait for him to finish glossing over something, then say

"you know, it seems to me that you didn't consider that important, could you just explain why you felt that it wasn't worth exploring? I'm bothered by your lack of concern about it."

If you do it once, it might provide insight as to "important" between you.

[Abby]

I don't think there is one absolute answer to your question. I really think it depends on the person in therapy and the therapist and the relationship that they have.

I understand your concerns about this go deeper than this question about emails though and I can see how worried it makes you. I feel for you.

For what it's worth, I don't think any topic is any less worthy to be discussed than any other and I don't think there is a golden rule about any of this stuff. If it is important to you in that moment, then it is important. Sometimes you might not need to email about it, but that doesn't make it any less important!

I think your fear of being "too much" is understandable and I do really feel for you. But, again, for what it's worth, from my point of view, even if you did happen to send something irrelevant or silly or too many emails, it wouldn't make you bad or toxic to your therapist. It wouldn't make you bad or toxic full stop.

Originally Posted by Mapleton

Do you think, one time, you could wait for him to finish glossing over something, then say

"you know, it seems to me that you didn't consider that important, could you just explain why you felt that it wasn't worth exploring? I'm bothered by your lack of concern about it."

If you do it once, it might provide insight as to "important" between you.

I agree that this might be really productive to try, Bipolar. I had something similar happen with my T, where something he did really bothered me. He didn't think the fact that it bothered me meant he should stop (he was using my kids to show why what happened to me was a big deal), and he essentially told me to suck it up and deal. However, when I went back and told him HOW MUCH it bothered me, and that I thought he was a good enough therapist to come up with a different technique and respect my desire for him NOT to do it, he apologized, and really has tried to not use that technique anymore. It is hugely affirming to have someone finally stop and acknowledge that your needs or wants or whatever is bothering you ARE important and worthy of addressing.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

and I wrote the email so I wouldn't "forget" again, because every time this incident has come up, I just forget it again ten minutes later, until the next time it comes up and then I'm like, "Oh, yeah, I really felt like **** about that."

Perfectly legit reason to me! I often write out things to just get them out of my head; think of the many thoughts/feelings that "swirl" in your head and are like gnats, flies, yellow jackets, and mosquitoes Doesn't getting some of them out/settled elsewhere help your overall state?

Thank your T today for being a better-than-adequate bug spray so you can enjoy your picnic in the great outdoors :-)

[WikidPissah]

MKAC - no worries, you are not an attention-*****. That would entail you emailing daily digests of your life and stupid things you find on the internet. Emailing just to email. You are emailing HARD WORK. What you email has to do with what you are working on in session. What you have written is more than a viable reason to email.

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I agree that this might be really productive to try, Bipolar. I had something similar happen with my T, where something he did really bothered me. He didn't think the fact that it bothered me meant he should stop (he was using my kids to show why what happened to me was a big deal), and he essentially told me to suck it up and deal. However, when I went back and told him HOW MUCH it bothered me, and that I thought he was a good enough therapist to come up with a different technique and respect my desire for him NOT to do it, he apologized, and really has tried to not use that technique anymore. It is hugely affirming to have someone finally stop and acknowledge that your needs or wants or whatever is bothering you ARE important and worthy of addressing.

Thanks mapleton and MKAC. I think that might be something I can try. I need to bring up something from last session next session re feeling I was not being listened to.

[Mapleton]

Originally Posted by Bipolarartist

Thanks mapleton and MKAC. I think that might be something I can try. I need to bring up something from last session next session re feeling I was not being listened to.

Very good luck. Since you're bringing up something specific, make sure he doesn't make it about just that. It sounds like he might have a bit of an agenda, which might be okay, but you should understand that agenda.

Very good luck

[content30]

I only emailed my T once. She had challenged me on an issue...on a poor decision that I was making. I knew it was wrong but would not say that I would stop. After thinking about it for a couple of days and doing several things she suggested, I emailed her to tell her that I had decided to not do this thing anymore. I had quite a bit to say, and it was her day off. I knew I couldn't talk to her or say it in a voicemail. Anyway, I made the commitment to stop and wanted it out there in writing. Other than that, I always put notes in my phone so I wouldn't forget and discussed things with her in person. I don't like things about me floating around in writing. My T's minimal notes are enough!

She and all the Ts in her group deleted their work email accounts. I'm certain they created new ones, but they do not give them out to clients now...just each other and other Ts, professional relations, etc.

[WikidPissah]

bump.

(hey, it's a good thread)

[WikidPissah]

bumpety bump bump

[granite1]

how ou holding up with the waiting to see if it is all ok MKAC????

[boredporcupine]

I think there is no objective measure of what is important or not important to email about. It just depends what works for you and your T and how you negotiate it together.

When I started working with my T, she basically gave me free rein to call or email (but she doesn't answer at length or right away). She just said if it got to be too much, then we would discuss it together. Even so, I used to have a HUGE issue thinking whatever I emailed was going to be too much, or not sufficiently important, even when she wasn't complaining about it. She kept saying stuff like "even if you just want some contact or support, that is enough reason" but I refused to believe her!

I think there is a lot of stigma about being "attention seeking" but the reality is that getting attention and contact is a legitimate need, not something we should be ashamed of wanting. Because my T views our work as relational and attachment-based, I think she views staying in touch, even over little things, as part of the therapy (although if it got to be too much for her she would certainly say so). However, other T's may view things differently and therefore have different boundaries.

Anyway, although I used to be terribly concerned about emailing too much, one weekend I sent like 10 (short) emails complaining about very small stuff like fights I got into with my H. It turned out T did not mind at all. In fact she said it was helpful and gave her a window into my world. So the bottom line is I could have just believed her the first time she told me she was OK with it, instead of twisting myself into knots about it...