Had a hard session yesterday

This is long, sorry.

T yesterday was really hard. It was hard and exhausting and left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

I wrote out a very long, very detailed 2 page letter to my T because doing that helps me organize my thoughts and go past the surface and focus on the things that are actually most important. Unfortunately, probably because a lot of the work my T does is with EDs, she focused on that. But instead of giving me her standard lecture, she started digging and bringing up other things like me already being predisposed to developing an ED because I have OCD and stuff like that.

I was trying to be positive about it saying things like, well I don't hate my body as much as I used to, and I've started eating again because I'm in my target range (which really isn't all that low and is much more than I weighed even in high school or at the beginning of college)...but T said she could tell by my thinking, not just then, but in the time that she's known me that it's a problem that goes beyond just not having good self esteem. She didn't flat out say, you have an eating disorder, but she also didn't have to. That in itself was really upsetting, because for all these years I've been trying to avoid developing one...I saw the insane struggle one of my best friend's went through with anorexia and I have always thought that I don't want to end up like her, because in many ways, it ruined her life, even though she is now recovered. And then of course, delving back into high school, the worst time of my life...but had to...cause T wanted to know when I first started having issues with my body...and although I can't really say I remember, I could tell her honestly that by the time I was in 10th grade I was very conscious of it.

And, to make matters worse, she was really, really pushing me on getting a job, even though I told her that I have applied to over 50 places, have made over 100 phone calls and had had 7 interviews in the past week, so I wanted to take a break from looking and applying because I was flat out tired of it. So it annoyed me that she was so persistent about me doing this and that and going here and there this week when all I want to do is chill for a bit, especially since I'll be hearing back about a job at the end of this week.

Overall, not a happy session. Yes, one that needed to happen...but not one that I liked.

Realized tonight how right T is...I've gained 3lbs in the past few days, and it's killing me. I'm sure it's because I've actually been eating, not restricting...but I'm afraid of how much more I'll gain if I keep eating like I have been, which isn't an abnormal amount, but instead, a normal amount. Ugh. Sucks when others are right and you're wrong.

I'm sorry..SDRL, but at least you area getting help and working through this and aware of it. Although this is not one of my struggles, I know several people who have had EDs, and all them got help and got better. One of them even became a T as a result of all of it. You also said that your best friend recovered too.

I know the job thing is hard, but keep trying. It is okay to take breaks! I understand why it must have felt hard to feel like T was pushing you too hard rather than acknowledging all that you do, but my T would probably keep pushing me too.

Keep working through it. ::

Sorry you are hurting. It sounds so painful.

Thanks for the support guys. I'm just overall exhausted. With everything. I just want to sit back a little and wait to hear from some more places before applying to the few places that are left.

You have an acute awareness of your problem and that's a good start.

I'm in therapy also and I have to see my T tomorrow and that causes anxiety to the point that it's disrupts my sleep. But since I've been in therapy before I know what to expect and how it affects me.

Continue seeing your T. He/she is there to help u get better.
Don't give up on yourself.... U owe it to yourself to seek the help to get better. In time everything good that u desire with happen and u will look back not with sadness, but with a smile on your face.

I wish u all the best in your journey...remember u are not alone....

Regards,
"almostthere"

I've been in therapy for 5 years, mainly with the same T...so I know how things are with her. She's a pusher, but a gentle one. I know she's helping me, and that is why I keep going back.