[rainbow8]

I tend to interrupt my T and not listen to her. I do that in RL too. Today she commented about it and told me that it seems like I don't want to hear what she has to say. That made me feel bad because I DO want to hear her. I'm not aware of my behavior while it's happening. I just feel like I have to keep telling her things and I don't notice when she starts to talk! I want to change this bad habit!

I think I do it because of anxiety. My H tells me all the time to stop talking and listen. All my Ts have mentioned it but no one told me how to stop doing it. One friend says that I never let her finish a sentence.

When I was a child and teenager I was very shy and didn't interrupt people. Maybe I'm making up for all the talking I didn't do.

I don't do it to be selfish. I think next session I'll ask my T to stop me all the times I interrupt her because, like I said, I don't know I do it. Like saying "you know", or "like", or "um".

I think women interrupt more than men. I don't think I'm so unusual, but for my T to comment on it sort of makes me feel weird. Yet, I'm glad she feels that I'm secure enough to withstand being criticized.

I just wondered if others have this problem in therapy and what they do about it.

[Freewilled]

Sometimes I catch myself interrupting my T, too. Up until this point, I've sorta blamed him in my head like, "well, he needs to stop talking cause Im on a roll and its MY therapy!" lol...but I am now wondering if I do it because I don't want to hear him. Maybe it's because I don't always like to hear what he has to say cause its the truth and the truth can hurt...

I'm not sure how to stop it, though. I also think it might be related to my anxiety.

[eskielover]

I know for me, when I get a thought in my head now, it's like it just pops out in words no matter who is talking. I remember when I was young, I would just sit there & listen & not say anything while waiting for an opening to say what I was thinking.....as I got more secure with realizing my thoughts are just as important as others I started blurting out my thoughts when I thought them & then I realized that it was many times when someone else was talking. Before it took me to long to formulate a thought to say in my mind....now I have the opposite problem....my mind is so busy forumlating the answer or the thought that it's not always observant as to who is talking around me.

Before my thoughts were so slow, I could hardly be a part of a conversation.....now it's just the opposite....but have to be so careful not to interrupt...using one's wise mind & being aware.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I just wondered if others have this problem in therapy and what they do about it.

I am an interrupter too, but have improved over the years. It is an obnoxious habit, and I don't want to annoy others, so this has helped motivate me to break this bad habit. Rainbow, since you have had several people tell you that you interrupt, you know you do it. The next step is to become more aware and mindful of when you are doing it. You can pay attention to what you are doing and saying. Even someone who says "umm" all the time can begin to pay attention to that and catch themselves when they do it at least some of the time. Perhaps make little rules for yourself and practice in therapy. "I will not speak until there is a silence of at least 5 seconds." So you will not allow yourself to speak to your T until you have counted 5 blank seconds after she has uttered her last word (for the moment). That would mean she is done speaking and there is a gap into which you can now respond. Or make your own rule that works for you. I think it would be good if you at least made an effort to be aware of your bad habit and interruptions on your own without dumping this all onto T with your idea to have her stop you each time you interrupt her. Take some responsibility and give this a try yourself. You have done so much work on mindfulness, you can be mindful and begin to notice when you are not allowing the other person to finish. You could tell your T at the beginning of your session that you are really going to try to not interrupt her and then perhaps one time, at the end of the session, she can tell you how you did that day. Asking her to correct you every time you mess up sounds like wanting her to be an oversolicitous mother and correct your behavior each time you do something "wrong". You are an adult and you can control your own behavior without the constant corrections and feedback of another person. Try it yourself before giving up and asking your T to play such a dominant role in guiding your behavior. Maybe you won't be perfect at first, and that's OK, but I believe you can start to notice when you are interrupting, and at least show improvement over when you are not being mindful and trying to change. Good luck. It is worth it to break this bad habit!

[scorpiosis37]

I think it's great that you were able to hear T and that you want to work on not interrupting her (and, hopefully, people in your RL too)! I think it would be really good progress for you if you could learn to stop interrupting and not only listen to what other people have to say, but really find value in the process of hearing and learning from what others share. This sounds like a great thing to work on in therapy!

I think interrupting, as a behavior, is indicative of the kind of one-way relationship that you seem to crave (like the therapy relationship). It's a way for you to talk and get gratification from being listened to without having to "give back" by then listening to what the other person has to say. It's a way of taking without giving. I don't think it's possible to have a reciprocal relationship without taking turns talking and listening. I think this is actually a bigger problem in RL than it is in T. In T, the therapy is supposed to be about us. Of course, if we don't listen to what the T has to say, how are we going to make improvements? Perhaps your therapy would be more effective, and you would make progress on your pattern, if you talked less and listened more?

In RL, though, it's not all about us, so interrupting is a real inhibitor to having close relationships. When you interrupt people, you send the message "loud and clear" that you think what you have to say is more important than what they have to say. If you don't listen to someone and ask little follow-up questions about what they're saying, then you're sending them the message that you don't care about them or what is important to them. Have you have the experience of someone interrupting you and not listening to you? How does that make you feel? Even if these things are done unintentionally, they still send the same message. You've mentioned before that you struggle with friends and your kids not sharing certain things with you, or not telling you about events in their lives. Maybe if you were a better listener, they would be more inclined to share things with you, and you could have a closer relationship? One-way relationships and one-way sharing can only fill us up part of the way; we need that reciprocality to get the full benefit of a relationship. It actually feels good to listen and give, too! So, maybe, one of the best ways to work on your marriage is to stop talking "at" your husband so much, and really listen to what HE has to say? The best way you can show someone you care is by listening to them and giving them your undivided attention. Why do you think you like your T so much? It's precisely because this is the service she provides. She listens to you! Imagine what kind of an impact you could have on your H, your friends, and your family, if you spent more time really listening to them? It would probably make them feel really good. I know that you've said before that you find the things your H shares "boring," but maybe you need to spend more time listening so that you can learn more about what he is sharing and find something about it that DOES interest you. If you take the time to listen, there are usually things that do grab us. I'm sure we are all boring to our Ts sometimes, too-- but they always find something we say to latch onto. This works in RL too.

I can say from experience that having a friend/co-worker who is an interrupter can be very tiring and it makes me feel the need to assert personal boundaries. I'm usually a pretty open book with my friends, but with this friend, I tend not to share very much about my life. Why? For one, I assume she doesn't want to know. Since she always interrupts me to talk about herself, I assume she doesn't really care about what is going on with me or my life. I assume she finds my life boring, since she always cuts me off to talk about herself. Additionally, being interrupted feels like a boundary violation. It feels like she is stepping on me and my boundaries when she talks over me. It makes me feel less safe with her. So, to protect myself, I don't share with her anything "deep" about my life. I don't share my emotions, I don't tell her about my trips, I don't tell her about what's going on with my family, and so forth. I keep things on a superficial level, and tend to do activities with her that don't require too much talking, like going to the movies or exercising. It gets very tiring to be "talked at" so I try to avoid it as much as possible. When someone talks that much and doesn't let me get a word in, it doesn't feel like a conversation or like a meeting of the minds. We are not sharing or connecting. Instead, it feels kind of like a verbal assault. It's the difference between talking "to" or "with" someone, and talking "at" someone. I'm not saying that you necessarily come across as my friend does; I've never had a verbal conversation with you But, if your T, your H, and your friend are pointing this out to you, I think it's a great thing to take note of and I'm proud of you for really wanting to work on it. It sounds like a great way to use your therapy time (instead of focusing on T) and a great way to improve your relationships in RL. So, kudos to you for finding a productive way to improve your RL through therapy!

[unaluna]

When it's men and women, like maybe at work? I've read that studies show that men are the interrupters.

I used to hate when my t talked. I would think, why is he using up MY time? But over the years, as he has given me more of what I wanted - and as I learned to ask for it - it's more about the product of us. What we are able to accomplish together, rather than him just bearing witness anymore.

ETA: good thread topic!!

Sometimes T says something. Then I go 'that went right over my head', T then says 'your unable to hear that yet'. Not in any judgemental way. But until we're 'there' we either push it away or we're just unable to understand from the part we actually in at that moment.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I tend to interrupt my T and not listen to her. I do that in RL too. Today she commented about it and told me that it seems like I don't want to hear what she has to say. That made me feel bad because I DO want to hear her. I'm not aware of my behavior while it's happening. I just feel like I have to keep telling her things and I don't notice when she starts to talk! I want to change this bad habit!

I think I do it because of anxiety. My H tells me all the time to stop talking and listen. All my Ts have mentioned it but no one told me how to stop doing it. One friend says that I never let her finish a sentence.

When I was a child and teenager I was very shy and didn't interrupt people. Maybe I'm making up for all the talking I didn't do.

I don't do it to be selfish. I think next session I'll ask my T to stop me all the times I interrupt her because, like I said, I don't know I do it. Like saying "you know", or "like", or "um".

I think women interrupt more than men. I don't think I'm so unusual, but for my T to comment on it sort of makes me feel weird. Yet, I'm glad she feels that I'm secure enough to withstand being criticized.

I just wondered if others have this problem in therapy and what they do about it.

I think it's great that you're working on not interrupting! I have a habit of doing that sometimes. I didn't used to notice when I did, but now I am more self-aware and catch myself it I do it. My dad is a terrible interrupter, especially when he's drinking. So I know first hand how awful it can feel.

[Perna]

I think that's why T said that to you; she knows you aren't intentionally not listening. My T had a similar difficulty and had me repeat back to her (in my words) what she had just said to me before I could continue on. In other words, I had to acknowledge what she had said. It was hard for me and very artificial/rote but it helped me enormously.

[skysblue]

Some excerpts from a fascinating book I'm reading which offers an exercise to consider about our tendency to interrupt:

"Step One - simply notice when you interrupt. Don't stop your interrupting, just notice it.

"Step Two -as you interrupt, silently say this to yourself: 'I'm not letting you fnished your sentence because ________' (and fill in the blank). This will hardly slow you down at all. Just watch, and let the blank fill itself with what you usually hide from yourself in the blur of conversation.
Here are some examples of what various people have discovered:

"I'm not letting you finish your sentence because
.... I already know where you're going, and I have something more clever to say.

....I might forget what I have to say and lose this great opportunity to impress you.

....I already know where you're going, and I want to avoid that territory.

....you aren't interesting enough to distract me from my scary thoughts.

...you're having such a hard time expressing yourself. I'm going to rescue you by saying it better.

...interrupting you is a natural expression of my enthusiasm.

"When you've done this exercise enough times to recognize the top three thoughts that lead you to interrupt, ask yourself if they're true. "[my note - I won't continue here with the advice given]

There is a fascinating exercise called the 'lunch date'

"Make a lunch date with two or more lively friends. When you meet, after your usual greetings, let your friends do all the talking. Let yourself get totally involved with the conversation, but without joining in except to nod, smile, or look concerned when appropriate.

"If they ask you a question, answer briefly. During the conversation, you might say an occasional, 'I hear you', or 'You could be right'. Nothing more.

"Notice the thoughts that would normally cause you to say something. Do you, or does the conversation, seem to suffer when you listen instead of talk?

"Be aware of the contribution you make just by listening. As you leave, make no mention of, or apology for your quiet behavior (did anyone even notice?) and make a date to meet again.

"And experiment in listening is to spend a day listening to people. Just let their words in without superimposing your own thoughts.

"It's amazing to hear what gifts come out of people's mouths when you allow them to complete their thoughts without interruption."

The book is written by Byron Katie and is titled, "I Need Your Love - Is That True? How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead"

[tinyrabbit]

There’s some absolutely superb advice on this thread. Personally, I hate being interrupted, but I know I sometimes do it as well, so I see both sides.

So here are some thoughts for you.

What do you think about when someone else is talking? Are you listening to what they’re saying, or waiting for them to finish so you can talk? Are you really focusing on them, or just waiting your turn?

Why do you think you need to talk so urgently? Are you worried you won’t be heard, or that you’ll forget what you wanted to say? My H interrupts when a thought pops into his head and he thinks he'll forget it - I say tough, if it's that important he'll remember it again.

I just had an idea that might sound completely off-the-wall, but here goes: what about practising with a radio? Your challenge is to listen to the radio for a set time – start small, say 10 seconds, and work up – and then write down everything you can remember about what was said. What are they talking about? What kind of programme is it?

I think this might be a good way to practise mindful listening – after all, the radio’s not going to stop broadcasting because you tried to talk – and then you can get into good habits to use with people instead.

Also, start paying attention to yourself when you talk. Do you stop to think first? How loudly do you speak? What is your breathing like?

Incidentally, this thread is an example of the utter awesomeness of PC - so much good advice upthread

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Some excerpts from a fascinating book I'm reading which offers an exercise to consider about our tendency to interrupt:

"Step One - simply notice when you interrupt. Don't stop your interrupting, just notice it.

"Step Two -as you interrupt, silently say this to yourself: 'I'm not letting you fnished your sentence because ________' (and fill in the blank). This will hardly slow you down at all. Just watch, and let the blank fill itself with what you usually hide from yourself in the blur of conversation.
Here are some examples of what various people have discovered:

"I'm not letting you finish your sentence because
.... I already know where you're going, and I have something more clever to say.

....I might forget what I have to say and lose this great opportunity to impress you.

....I already know where you're going, and I want to avoid that territory.

....you aren't interesting enough to distract me from my scary thoughts.

...you're having such a hard time expressing yourself. I'm going to rescue you by saying it better.

...interrupting you is a natural expression of my enthusiasm.

"When you've done this exercise enough times to recognize the top three thoughts that lead you to interrupt, ask yourself if they're true. "[my note - I won't continue here with the advice given]

There is a fascinating exercise called the 'lunch date'

"Make a lunch date with two or more lively friends. When you meet, after your usual greetings, let your friends do all the talking. Let yourself get totally involved with the conversation, but without joining in except to nod, smile, or look concerned when appropriate.

"If they ask you a question, answer briefly. During the conversation, you might say an occasional, 'I hear you', or 'You could be right'. Nothing more.

"Notice the thoughts that would normally cause you to say something. Do you, or does the conversation, seem to suffer when you listen instead of talk?

"Be aware of the contribution you make just by listening. As you leave, make no mention of, or apology for your quiet behavior (did anyone even notice?) and make a date to meet again.

"And experiment in listening is to spend a day listening to people. Just let their words in without superimposing your own thoughts.

"It's amazing to hear what gifts come out of people's mouths when you allow them to complete their thoughts without interruption."

The book is written by Byron Katie and is titled, "I Need Your Love - Is That True? How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead"

Wow. Thanks for posting this, it's fantastic.

[unaluna]

Thanks, sky! This is why you are my best friend!! I don't mean that weirdly or anything! I am actually tired of talking. I already know what I'm gonna say, but I don't know what the other person is gonna say

[Mapleton]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Some excerpts from a fascinating book I'm reading which offers an exercise to consider about our tendency to interrupt:

"Step One - simply notice when you interrupt. Don't stop your interrupting, just notice it.

"Step Two -as you interrupt, silently say this to yourself: 'I'm not letting you fnished your sentence because ________' (and fill in the blank). This will hardly slow you down at all. Just watch, and let the blank fill itself with what you usually hide from yourself in the blur of conversation.

Some of the best advice I've ever read here.

Not really being comfortable with the back and forth of a conversation can be a way of life. Add in a touch of impulsiveness, and you'll jump in to a lot of conversations inappropriately.

i have a somewhat similar problem. except that i only interrupt my T because he gets stuck on one thought and keeps talking about it and reiterating his point over and over again...which i think we're ironing out slowly. i think he noticed the two times that i did it, because he's been pretty good about not going on about the same thing the last two sessions.

i mean, it's not that he doesn't give good advice, it's just that he tells stories to prove his points a lot and i get it the first time around...but he's not used to that, i don't think. he has said before he's never had anyone come in with prior knowledge of psychology or the counseling process. he usually gets people who have never gone to counseling before.

[unaluna]

I have a friend who tells me I'm the only person he knows who interrupts herself. That's when you know you definitely have a problem.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

Sometimes I catch myself interrupting my T, too. Up until this point, I've sorta blamed him in my head like, "well, he needs to stop talking cause Im on a roll and its MY therapy!" lol...but I am now wondering if I do it because I don't want to hear him. Maybe it's because I don't always like to hear what he has to say cause its the truth and the truth can hurt...

I'm not sure how to stop it, though. I also think it might be related to my anxiety.

Thanks, Freewilled. I agree about it being partially due to anxiety. That's what one of my Ts thought. It IS our therapy and I think Ts SHOULD let their clients talk more than they talk.

Originally Posted by eskielover

I know for me, when I get a thought in my head now, it's like it just pops out in words no matter who is talking. I remember when I was young, I would just sit there & listen & not say anything while waiting for an opening to say what I was thinking.....as I got more secure with realizing my thoughts are just as important as others I started blurting out my thoughts when I thought them & then I realized that it was many times when someone else was talking. Before it took me to long to formulate a thought to say in my mind....now I have the opposite problem....my mind is so busy forumlating the answer or the thought that it's not always observant as to who is talking around me.

Before my thoughts were so slow, I could hardly be a part of a conversation.....now it's just the opposite....but have to be so careful not to interrupt...using one's wise mind & being aware.

Thanks, eskie. I can relate to how you're describing why you interrupt. I still sit there and try to find an opening in conversations sometimes. So, when I do feel important enough to jump in, it's often the wrong time.

Originally Posted by sunrise

I am an interrupter too, but have improved over the years. It is an obnoxious habit, and I don't want to annoy others, so this has helped motivate me to break this bad habit. Rainbow, since you have had several people tell you that you interrupt, you know you do it. The next step is to become more aware and mindful of when you are doing it. You can pay attention to what you are doing and saying. Even someone who says "umm" all the time can begin to pay attention to that and catch themselves when they do it at least some of the time. Perhaps make little rules for yourself and practice in therapy. "I will not speak until there is a silence of at least 5 seconds." So you will not allow yourself to speak to your T until you have counted 5 blank seconds after she has uttered her last word (for the moment). That would mean she is done speaking and there is a gap into which you can now respond. Or make your own rule that works for you. I think it would be good if you at least made an effort to be aware of your bad habit and interruptions on your own without dumping this all onto T with your idea to have her stop you each time you interrupt her. Take some responsibility and give this a try yourself. You have done so much work on mindfulness, you can be mindful and begin to notice when you are not allowing the other person to finish. You could tell your T at the beginning of your session that you are really going to try to not interrupt her and then perhaps one time, at the end of the session, she can tell you how you did that day. Asking her to correct you every time you mess up sounds like wanting her to be an oversolicitous mother and correct your behavior each time you do something "wrong". You are an adult and you can control your own behavior without the constant corrections and feedback of another person. Try it yourself before giving up and asking your T to play such a dominant role in guiding your behavior. Maybe you won't be perfect at first, and that's OK, but I believe you can start to notice when you are interrupting, and at least show improvement over when you are not being mindful and trying to change. Good luck. It is worth it to break this bad habit!

Thanks, sunrise. The problem is that I don't realize I'm interrupting so it's hard to be aware of it until someone tells me. I don't see what's so wrong with asking my T to tell me when I'm interrupting her. I want her to help me become more aware of when I do it. I will try to catch it myself, but you know that expressions "Two heads are better than one". I agree that it's very worthwhile to break my habit, too!

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I think it's great that you were able to hear T and that you want to work on not interrupting her (and, hopefully, people in your RL too)! I think it would be really good progress for you if you could learn to stop interrupting and not only listen to what other people have to say, but really find value in the process of hearing and learning from what others share. This sounds like a great thing to work on in therapy! I think so too. I may have mentioned it in therapy with different Ts, but I didn't really "work on it". Now I want to.

I think interrupting, as a behavior, is indicative of the kind of one-way relationship that you seem to crave (like the therapy relationship). It's a way for you to talk and get gratification from being listened to without having to "give back" by then listening to what the other person has to say. It's a way of taking without giving. I don't do it with the purpose in mind of taking without giving though it seems that way, I realize. I don't think it's possible to have a reciprocal relationship without taking turns talking and listening. I think this is actually a bigger problem in RL than it is in T. In T, the therapy is supposed to be about us. Of course, if we don't listen to what the T has to say, how are we going to make improvements? Perhaps your therapy would be more effective, and you would make progress on your pattern, if you talked less and listened more?
I used to record sessions with my first T. After I listened to the first one, I asked her, "Do I really interrupt you that much?" She said "yes". I didn't know I was doing it, even back then. That's not why I recorded my sessions, but it was a surprise to hear myself. I didn't try to correct it then.
In RL, though, it's not all about us, so interrupting is a real inhibitor to having close relationships. When you interrupt people, you send the message "loud and clear" that you think what you have to say is more important than what they have to say. If you don't listen to someone and ask little follow-up questions about what they're saying, then you're sending them the message that you don't care about them or what is important to them. Have you have the experience of someone interrupting you and not listening to you? How does that make you feel? Even if these things are done unintentionally, they still send the same message.I understand. It IS unintentional, but the effect is the same. You've mentioned before that you struggle with friends and your kids not sharing certain things with you, or not telling you about events in their lives. Maybe if you were a better listener, they would be more inclined to share things with you, and you could have a closer relationship? One-way relationships and one-way sharing can only fill us up part of the way; we need that reciprocality to get the full benefit of a relationship. It actually feels good to listen and give, too! So, maybe, one of the best ways to work on your marriage is to stop talking "at" your husband so much, and really listen to what HE has to say? The best way you can show someone you care is by listening to them and giving them your undivided attention. Why do you think you like your T so much? It's precisely because this is the service she provides. She listens to you! So true! Imagine what kind of an impact you could have on your H, your friends, and your family, if you spent more time really listening to them? It would probably make them feel really good. I know that you've said before that you find the things your H shares "boring," but maybe you need to spend more time listening so that you can learn more about what he is sharing and find something about it that DOES interest you. If you take the time to listen, there are usually things that do grab us. I'm sure we are all boring to our Ts sometimes, too-- but they always find something we say to latch onto. This works in RL too.
I have to try. It's hard.
I can say from experience that having a friend/co-worker who is an interrupter can be very tiring and it makes me feel the need to assert personal boundaries. I'm usually a pretty open book with my friends, but with this friend, I tend not to share very much about my life. Why? For one, I assume she doesn't want to know. Since she always interrupts me to talk about herself, I assume she doesn't really care about what is going on with me or my life. I assume she finds my life boring, since she always cuts me off to talk about herself. Additionally, being interrupted feels like a boundary violation. It feels like she is stepping on me and my boundaries when she talks over me. It makes me feel less safe with her. So, to protect myself, I don't share with her anything "deep" about my life. I don't share my emotions, I don't tell her about my trips, I don't tell her about what's going on with my family, and so forth. I keep things on a superficial level, and tend to do activities with her that don't require too much talking, like going to the movies or exercising. It gets very tiring to be "talked at" so I try to avoid it as much as possible. When someone talks that much and doesn't let me get a word in, it doesn't feel like a conversation or like a meeting of the minds. We are not sharing or connecting. Instead, it feels kind of like a verbal assault. It's the difference between talking "to" or "with" someone, and talking "at" someone. I'm not saying that you necessarily come across as my friend does; I've never had a verbal conversation with you But, if your T, your H, and your friend are pointing this out to you, I think it's a great thing to take note of and I'm proud of you for really wanting to work on it.Thank you. It sounds like a great way to use your therapy time (instead of focusing on T) and a great way to improve your relationships in RL. So, kudos to you for finding a productive way to improve your RL through therapy!

Thank you, Scorpio. I appreciate your post very much, and you can see that others do too! I'm going to comment between your lines in bold.
So what should I do? Tell my T I'm working on it and see how I do in my session? I don't know how else SHE can help me with it. I think the book skysblue quoted is a good place to start.

Originally Posted by hankster

When it's men and women, like maybe at work? I've read that studies show that men are the interrupters.

I used to hate when my t talked. I would think, why is he using up MY time? But over the years, as he has given me more of what I wanted - and as I learned to ask for it - it's more about the product of us. What we are able to accomplish together, rather than him just bearing witness anymore.

ETA: good thread topic!!

Thanks, hankster. I must still be in the "wanting T to bear witness" stage. I mostly want to talk, but I do want to listen to her too. My former T used to ask me if I wanted to hear her, OR did I want to talk. She said it was okay if I just wanted to talk.

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Sometimes T says something. Then I go 'that went right over my head', T then says 'your unable to hear that yet'. Not in any judgemental way. But until we're 'there' we either push it away or we're just unable to understand from the part we actually in at that moment.

Thanks. Sometimes I find that's true. I don't understand what my T is saying.

Originally Posted by peaches100

I think it's great that you're working on not interrupting! I have a habit of doing that sometimes. I didn't used to notice when I did, but now I am more self-aware and catch myself it I do it. My dad is a terrible interrupter, especially when he's drinking. So I know first hand how awful it can feel.

Thanks, peaches. I have to try to be more aware of when I interrupt.

Originally Posted by Perna

I think that's why T said that to you; she knows you aren't intentionally not listening. My T had a similar difficulty and had me repeat back to her (in my words) what she had just said to me before I could continue on. In other words, I had to acknowledge what she had said. It was hard for me and very artificial/rote but it helped me enormously.

That's a good idea, Perna. Often I don't hear my T even if I am listening to her words. That's different from my interrupting her, though.

Originally Posted by skysblue

Some excerpts from a fascinating book I'm reading which offers an exercise to consider about our tendency to interrupt:

"Step One - simply notice when you interrupt. Don't stop your interrupting, just notice it.

"Step Two -as you interrupt, silently say this to yourself: 'I'm not letting you fnished your sentence because ________' (and fill in the blank). This will hardly slow you down at all. Just watch, and let the blank fill itself with what you usually hide from yourself in the blur of conversation.
Here are some examples of what various people have discovered:

"I'm not letting you finish your sentence because
.... I already know where you're going, and I have something more clever to say.

....I might forget what I have to say and lose this great opportunity to impress you.

....I already know where you're going, and I want to avoid that territory.

....you aren't interesting enough to distract me from my scary thoughts.

...you're having such a hard time expressing yourself. I'm going to rescue you by saying it better.

...interrupting you is a natural expression of my enthusiasm.

"When you've done this exercise enough times to recognize the top three thoughts that lead you to interrupt, ask yourself if they're true. "[my note - I won't continue here with the advice given]

There is a fascinating exercise called the 'lunch date'

"Make a lunch date with two or more lively friends. When you meet, after your usual greetings, let your friends do all the talking. Let yourself get totally involved with the conversation, but without joining in except to nod, smile, or look concerned when appropriate.

"If they ask you a question, answer briefly. During the conversation, you might say an occasional, 'I hear you', or 'You could be right'. Nothing more.

"Notice the thoughts that would normally cause you to say something. Do you, or does the conversation, seem to suffer when you listen instead of talk?

"Be aware of the contribution you make just by listening. As you leave, make no mention of, or apology for your quiet behavior (did anyone even notice?) and make a date to meet again.

"And experiment in listening is to spend a day listening to people. Just let their words in without superimposing your own thoughts.

"It's amazing to hear what gifts come out of people's mouths when you allow them to complete their thoughts without interruption."

The book is written by Byron Katie and is titled, "I Need Your Love - Is That True? How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead"

Thank you for the excerpts from this book, skysblue! It sounds amazing, and I see that others are thanking you too. I knew I wasn't the only one with this problem!

One thing about me is that if I'm not with close friends, I don't talk at all. I just listen because I don't know what to say. I only interrupt when I am comfortable with people. When there are two people talking and I'm there too, I find it impossible to "get in" the conversation. Maybe that's why when I'm with my H, or close friends, I want to talk so much and interrupt. I'm not sure. I am going to see if I can follow the instructions from the book. The entire book sounds good too, just from the title!

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Thank you, Scorpio. I appreciate your post very much, and you can see that others do too! I'm going to comment between your lines in bold.
So what should I do? Tell my T I'm working on it and see how I do in my session? I don't know how else SHE can help me with it. I think the book skysblue quoted is a good place to start.

Thanks, hankster. I must still be in the "wanting T to bear witness" stage. I mostly want to talk, but I do want to listen to her too. My former T used to ask me if I wanted to hear her, OR did I want to talk. She said it was okay if I just wanted to talk.

I think telling T that you're going to really work on interrupting is a good place to start. I think it's okay to ask your T to help you become aware of when you interrupt by stopping and saying "Rainbow, you're interrupting! Let me finish!" However, I also think it's important to try and catch yourself. I know it might seem hard, but you really do have the ability to stop yourself before you interrupt someone, or to start and say "oh, wait, I'm sorry, I'm interrupting you!" You might not be perfect at it, but you do have the ability to start monitoring yourself, both in T and in RL. Finally, I think it's important to work on not interrupting in your RL. Tell your H and your close friends that it's something you want to work on, and give them permission (IF they would like) to stop you when you interrupt them. This is something your H might even enjoy! You call tell them that you want to do a better job of listening to them and hearing what they want to share. What H or friend wouldn't like that? The reason I think it's important to work on this both in and out of T is because working on it in T is ONLY helpful IF it transfers to your RL. It's no skin off T's back if you interrupt her; she's only talking for your benefit, not her own. You're not trying to build a reciprocal relationship with T, or show her that you listen and care about her life. T is just there to help you develop these skills so that you can use them in your RL relationships. You should think about the interrupting things not as a "special" thing you are working on "with T" (which encourages the transference) but as a RL skill T can help you develop for your RL (which makes your therapy about therapy, and not about T).

I can totally understand why a T would tell a new client that it is okay to do most of the talking while the T just listens and "bears witness." My first few months with my T were certainly like that! It was my first time in T as an adult and it was the first time in my life I had the opportunity to talk and have someone just listen to me, with undivided attention. It was so healing, especially after a childhood without a mom or any other caretaker or adult supporter. However, after that initial flush of "getting things out," I think it's important that therapy really "begin" which means that we stop sharing about our week and that kind of "surface" level stuff and really do the nitty gritty work of therapy, which requires listening to T and having T guide us. Keeping up with the chatter of "I went here, I did this, my H or friend did this, etc" can really get in the way of us focusing on our deeper issues and the real reasons why we're in therapy. It also prevents us from learning what T's insights are and how they might be helpful to us. Often, T's see things in our behavior and thoughts that we don't see; learning what these are, digging deeper, and working on changing our behavior/thought-patterns are what therapy is all about. If we interrupt T, we'll miss this valuable information and help. Especially if we've spent a long time talking in therapy and aren't seeing a lot of behavior changes, it's possible that we're talking too much and using T as a confessional instead of listening to T and using her as a tool for change. It might not be as "fun" as having T just listen to us talk, but the real work happens when we let T guide us towards new insights, thoughts and behaviors.

This has a parallel in the classroom, too. Those students who sit in the front row, constantly raise their hand, and interrupt every few sentences don't tend to learn as much as those students who sit alertly, take notes, and only raise their hand after I've paused. They're too busy thinking about their next question-- or how that minor detail I mentioned relates to their grandma, their cat, or Harry Potter-- that they don't actually HEAR what I'm teaching. They spend so much time in their head that they aren't fully present in the classroom. But, come exam or paper time, they're dumbfounded as to why they aren't getting "As" since "they talk all the time in class!"

Originally Posted by hankster

When it's men and women, like maybe at work? I've read that studies show that men are the interrupters.

Yes and no. Old studies showed that very clearly, but modern research takes many more factors into account (culture, age, social status are just as important as gender.) It's actually completely meaningless to say that either gender interrupts more, because it can always be either true or not. And in any case it is always without fail pointless - even dangerous - to generalise what we think we know about one gender as a group, to one person. If an individual interrupts people a lot, it is not caused by their gender. It is possibly influenced by their gender, culture, family situation, age, native language and social status in combinqtion. But it is still a choice to do it or not.

[content30]

This is one of those great examples of a T stating something about you that she knows others are experiencing or may be experiencing from you IRL. And your T is right; interrupting does make people feel like you don't want to hear what they have to say. I used to interrupt and talk a lot more than I listened. Over the years, I've made it the other way around. It started with self awareness and was helped by others pointing it out. On some level, you must be aware that your're doing this. I would go a step further than just asking T and suggest that you ask very close friends, family, and loved ones to point it out when you do it too...the ones who love you unconditionally. The more often you have people pointing these moments out, the better it will be for changing the habit.

Also, I think it's more effective to think of adding a new behavior rather than stopping a habit. For instance, say to yourself that you are going to be a better listener rather than saying you are going to stop interrupting. By actively listening more, you will stop thinking so much about what you are going to say/feel like you must say at that moment.

[BonnieJean]

I sometimes interrupt in real life. I hate when I do that! It doesn't seem to occur in therapy for me.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I am an interrupter too, but have improved over the years. It is an obnoxious habit, and I don't want to annoy others, so this has helped motivate me to break this bad habit. Rainbow, since you have had several people tell you that you interrupt, you know you do it. The next step is to become more aware and mindful of when you are doing it. You can pay attention to what you are doing and saying. Even someone who says "umm" all the time can begin to pay attention to that and catch themselves when they do it at least some of the time. Perhaps make little rules for yourself and practice in therapy. "I will not speak until there is a silence of at least 5 seconds." So you will not allow yourself to speak to your T until you have counted 5 blank seconds after she has uttered her last word (for the moment). That would mean she is done speaking and there is a gap into which you can now respond. Or make your own rule that works for you. I think it would be good if you at least made an effort to be aware of your bad habit and interruptions on your own without dumping this all onto T with your idea to have her stop you each time you interrupt her. Take some responsibility and give this a try yourself. You have done so much work on mindfulness, you can be mindful and begin to notice when you are not allowing the other person to finish. You could tell your T at the beginning of your session that you are really going to try to not interrupt her and then perhaps one time, at the end of the session, she can tell you how you did that day. Asking her to correct you every time you mess up sounds like wanting her to be an oversolicitous mother and correct your behavior each time you do something "wrong". You are an adult and you can control your own behavior without the constant corrections and feedback of another person. Try it yourself before giving up and asking your T to play such a dominant role in guiding your behavior. Maybe you won't be perfect at first, and that's OK, but I believe you can start to notice when you are interrupting, and at least show improvement over when you are not being mindful and trying to change. Good luck. It is worth it to break this bad habit!

sunrise, I wanted to add to my reply to you. I think it's a good idea to try to wait 5 seconds after anyone has said their last word, not just my T. I'm going to try it today! Thanks. I'm impressed that you "conquered" this bad habit too. Thanks again for your suggestions and your support.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

There’s some absolutely superb advice on this thread. Personally, I hate being interrupted, but I know I sometimes do it as well, so I see both sides.

So here are some thoughts for you.

What do you think about when someone else is talking? Are you listening to what they’re saying, or waiting for them to finish so you can talk? Are you really focusing on them, or just waiting your turn?

Why do you think you need to talk so urgently? Are you worried you won’t be heard, or that you’ll forget what you wanted to say? My H interrupts when a thought pops into his head and he thinks he'll forget it - I say tough, if it's that important he'll remember it again.

I just had an idea that might sound completely off-the-wall, but here goes: what about practising with a radio? Your challenge is to listen to the radio for a set time – start small, say 10 seconds, and work up – and then write down everything you can remember about what was said. What are they talking about? What kind of programme is it?

I think this might be a good way to practise mindful listening – after all, the radio’s not going to stop broadcasting because you tried to talk – and then you can get into good habits to use with people instead.

Also, start paying attention to yourself when you talk. Do you stop to think first? How loudly do you speak? What is your breathing like?

Incidentally, this thread is an example of the utter awesomeness of PC - so much good advice upthread

Thanks, tinyrabbit. I'm not sure what I'm thinking when someone else is talking. Probably about what I'm going to say, not what they're saying. Sometimes it may be that I already know what they're telling me, like with my H. He talks slowly, and I want to get to the point already. So maybe impatience, and sometimes excitement. I'm going to be mindful and try to be more aware. The radio idea is interesting!

Originally Posted by Mapleton

Some of the best advice I've ever read here.

Not really being comfortable with the back and forth of a conversation can be a way of life. Add in a touch of impulsiveness, and you'll jump in to a lot of conversations inappropriately.

Thanks, Mapleton. That makes sense to me.

Originally Posted by DreamAddiction37

i have a somewhat similar problem. except that i only interrupt my T because he gets stuck on one thought and keeps talking about it and reiterating his point over and over again...which i think we're ironing out slowly. i think he noticed the two times that i did it, because he's been pretty good about not going on about the same thing the last two sessions.

i mean, it's not that he doesn't give good advice, it's just that he tells stories to prove his points a lot and i get it the first time around...but he's not used to that, i don't think. he has said before he's never had anyone come in with prior knowledge of psychology or the counseling process. he usually gets people who have never gone to counseling before.

That seems like an appropriate time to interrupt!

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I think telling T that you're going to really work on interrupting is a good place to start. I think it's okay to ask your T to help you become aware of when you interrupt by stopping and saying "Rainbow, you're interrupting! Let me finish!" However, I also think it's important to try and catch yourself. I know it might seem hard, but you really do have the ability to stop yourself before you interrupt someone, or to start and say "oh, wait, I'm sorry, I'm interrupting you!" You might not be perfect at it, but you do have the ability to start monitoring yourself, both in T and in RL. Finally, I think it's important to work on not interrupting in your RL. Tell your H and your close friends that it's something you want to work on, and give them permission (IF they would like) to stop you when you interrupt them. This is something your H might even enjoy! You call tell them that you want to do a better job of listening to them and hearing what they want to share. What H or friend wouldn't like that? The reason I think it's important to work on this both in and out of T is because working on it in T is ONLY helpful IF it transfers to your RL. It's no skin off T's back if you interrupt her; she's only talking for your benefit, not her own. You're not trying to build a reciprocal relationship with T, or show her that you listen and care about her life. T is just there to help you develop these skills so that you can use them in your RL relationships. You should think about the interrupting things not as a "special" thing you are working on "with T" (which encourages the transference) but as a RL skill T can help you develop for your RL (which makes your therapy about therapy, and not about T).

I can totally understand why a T would tell a new client that it is okay to do most of the talking while the T just listens and "bears witness." My first few months with my T were certainly like that! It was my first time in T as an adult and it was the first time in my life I had the opportunity to talk and have someone just listen to me, with undivided attention. It was so healing, especially after a childhood without a mom or any other caretaker or adult supporter. However, after that initial flush of "getting things out," I think it's important that therapy really "begin" which means that we stop sharing about our week and that kind of "surface" level stuff and really do the nitty gritty work of therapy, which requires listening to T and having T guide us. Keeping up with the chatter of "I went here, I did this, my H or friend did this, etc" can really get in the way of us focusing on our deeper issues and the real reasons why we're in therapy. It also prevents us from learning what T's insights are and how they might be helpful to us. Often, T's see things in our behavior and thoughts that we don't see; learning what these are, digging deeper, and working on changing our behavior/thought-patterns are what therapy is all about. If we interrupt T, we'll miss this valuable information and help. Especially if we've spent a long time talking in therapy and aren't seeing a lot of behavior changes, it's possible that we're talking too much and using T as a confessional instead of listening to T and using her as a tool for change. It might not be as "fun" as having T just listen to us talk, but the real work happens when we let T guide us towards new insights, thoughts and behaviors.

This has a parallel in the classroom, too. Those students who sit in the front row, constantly raise their hand, and interrupt every few sentences don't tend to learn as much as those students who sit alertly, take notes, and only raise their hand after I've paused. They're too busy thinking about their next question-- or how that minor detail I mentioned relates to their grandma, their cat, or Harry Potter-- that they don't actually HEAR what I'm teaching. They spend so much time in their head that they aren't fully present in the classroom. But, come exam or paper time, they're dumbfounded as to why they aren't getting "As" since "they talk all the time in class!"

Thanks for your comments, Scorpio. They're helpful to me. My H and friends already tell me when I'm interrupting but I still don't notice it at the time. I'm going to try to stop myself. I think I already told one that I'm working on it, and my H knows too! I'll tell them to stop me.

I still like to use T as a confessional. That's a good way of putting it! I think it's because I still remember all the times I didn't talk as a child and teenager. Even as an adult I didn't share my feelings with anyone for years. It still feels good, but you're correct. I need to listen to my T more. That's why I'm paying her.

I never raised my hand in class!! Too shy. Maybe that's why I got good grades. I listened and took notes! Maybe I can use the "useful part of my shyness" to help me now.

Originally Posted by Mastodon

Yes and no. Old studies showed that very clearly, but modern research takes many more factors into account (culture, age, social status are just as important as gender.) It's actually completely meaningless to say that either gender interrupts more, because it can always be either true or not. And in any case it is always without fail pointless - even dangerous - to generalise what we think we know about one gender as a group, to one person. If an individual interrupts people a lot, it is not caused by their gender. It is possibly influenced by their gender, culture, family situation, age, native language and social status in combinqtion. But it is still a choice to do it or not.

Thanks. I just think women talk more, in general, than men.

Originally Posted by content30

This is one of those great examples of a T stating something about you that she knows others are experiencing or may be experiencing from you IRL. And your T is right; interrupting does make people feel like you don't want to hear what they have to say. I used to interrupt and talk a lot more than I listened. Over the years, I've made it the other way around. It started with self awareness and was helped by others pointing it out. On some level, you must be aware that your're doing this. I would go a step further than just asking T and suggest that you ask very close friends, family, and loved ones to point it out when you do it too...the ones who love you unconditionally. The more often you have people pointing these moments out, the better it will be for changing the habit.

Also, I think it's more effective to think of adding a new behavior rather than stopping a habit. For instance, say to yourself that you are going to be a better listener rather than saying you are going to stop interrupting. By actively listening more, you will stop thinking so much about what you are going to say/feel like you must say at that moment.

Great advice! Thank you. Trying to be a better listener is something positive. Yes, I'm aware I'm doing it--after I've done it.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by BonnieJean

I sometimes interrupt in real life. I hate when I do that! It doesn't seem to occur in therapy for me.

Thanks for sharing, BJ. I'm glad it doesn't happen in therapy for you.

[rainbow8]

I thought of another reason for my interrupting and not listening. It's scary for me to look at the other person and maintain eye contact while they're talking. Not with everyone, but with a lot of people. I'm self-conscious when I'm listening to them, or just plain shy. I'm going to see if that feeling comes up when I'm trying to listen to others.