Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

MELISSSAD81- why not do weekly

You still haven't called. Are you on holiday already?

I don't think you realise how much heartburn and nausea you've caused me because you haven't called. I will call you tomorrow if you don't call soon and you know how much I hate using the phone and not knowing what's happening.

Also, you see my best friend; she told me you told her you were going on holiday a day after our usual session day, yet you are prepared to cancel me but you rearranged for her. I'm sorry you hate me so much.

Please don't make me regret reaching out to you...

Dear T,

I am going to try not to lie to you today. I'm really going to try to tell you the two things you've said recently that haven't been helpful. I'm also going to try really hard and be honest about the mild OD I had yesterday ((To those reading - 18 advil liquid gels across a few hours. I was fine, just a mild stomach ache. It was NOT a suicide attempt)). But I AM going to not say a word about that until after seeing the pdoc.

All your work is for nought. I am a lost cause.

I will waste your time just like my entire life is a waste of time.

Peace.

T,
Thanks for the email. I'll pretend I didn't freak out about not getting one all weekend, but we both know the truth. Looking forward to meeting this week. I may actually be making some progress - itty bitty teeny tiny progress, but still - moving forward.

T,
The whole "You need sleep, and to take your PRN", Yep tried it 2x not that helpful but kept me out of some trouble. Some people don't really sleep, I'll take the PRN when I start needing it right now I don't want to sleep. There's so much to do and I'm still board. I'll sleep when everything's done.

MM

Dear T, I don't know if you know about what happened to me. You haven't asked me or talked to me about it but I really need to tell you. I just don't have the guts to. I need someone to tell me that it happened and that it wasn't my fault. People keep calling me a liar and say I'm making things up even when they knew what was going on. I know I'm always uncomfortable talking about myself but this time I really need you to tell me that it's going to be ok.

Dear t,
I missed talking to you. I miss hearing your comforting words and you telling me it's going to be ok. I can't stop thinking about the time when you said your alliance was with me and nobody else...that meant a lot.

Dear T,

I'll come and see you on Wednesday when we have our appointment. But I am done with the pdoc. I don't want to ever go back into that office or see him again. I don't need the stress of going to that. I expect you are going to not like hearing that. But I just don't need all this extra stress, and I will be fine on my own.

Dear T,

I just sent you an email and asked you to print it off. I just said a few of the things I was trying to say. Honestly, you have no idea how hard that was to do. I clicked send really quickly so that I coudln't chicken out. I wish I had. I regret it now.

I wish I had the words to tell you what I need to at the moment; but I can't even find them to put here

cbt t-

thanks for being so warm to me today. Some things you said made we wonder if you are lurking on pc --god i hope not. You sometimes get this "knowing" quality about you that makes me wonder what is up. Or am i just obvious in my icky crush-iness?

Plus you wore that charcoal black outfit again that makes you sleek as a panther. Geez get some walmart sweatpants or something. Or whatever the guy equivalent is of a juicy couture velour pj set. distracting, my friend.

i've had that happen after posting here; can feel really odd

This is the first time in four and a half years that I've skipped a week because I didn't want an appointment. I'm not sure if I'll be ready to see you next week either.

It was nice and I actually really appreciated it, but it was also kind of odd that you contacted me to ask me if I wanted an appointment. I thought you were going to stick to your no initiating contact rule. There is some irony in the fact that you initiated contact with me, breaking your own rule, but you will only text a reply to me between two hours on one day of the week (except of course those times when I wait all week and you can't actually get back to me during that time). Last week when I tried to mention the way that boundary doesn't work or help, you cut me off and said we'd already discussed it. Let's be realistic. I'm not going to initiate contact outside of my sessions. Couldn't you take that boundary away so it feels like it's my choice, my decision again?

If you had not asked today, I might just have left quietly you know. You were kind to me the last time I saw you and much more gentle this time around. That wouldn't be such a bad final appointment and I might tell you that if I decide to cancel. You said you would 'hopefully' see me next week. Perhaps you understand.

Oh, and are you going to give it back?

Dear T,

Wow.

I can't believe you forgot me.

I hope you enjoy your holiday, I don't think I want to come back afterwards if you don't have the decency to call and confirm that you were away. It's a good job I also know someone who sees you to confirm the dates you were away, or I would have turned up at our usual session like an idiot.

Ps my dad is off his meds (his choice) and my life just got harder.

I want to ask for a hug. Why do you seem so distant? You always end bang on 45 minutes and then its a swift goodbye and I'm out of the door - I need to connect with you between sessions but you told me not to text between sessions. I just feel so alone, so afraid and needy. I hate it. But I am. T seems to be bringing up more hurt and self analysis atm and is less than helpful?! I don't feel any warmth or connection from you although you mean so much to me. What's happening?

Dear T,

WHY?? Why did you and your friend want to hurt me? I feel like I've been destroyed. I needed you. We had a connection (I'll never have that with anyone else). Why did you ruin it? I've never been so hurt in all of my life!! Every day I cry and that's no exaggeration. Is there a pill to stop me from crying?? Is there is a pill for a broken heart?

Dear T,

I'm absolutely terrified if I open up to you all the way that you'll think I'm completely crazy. You'll say to yourself "There's no way this girl is going to grad school next year for mental health counseling..she's too insane". I'm scared you'll break down my dreams because I'm just not sane enough to do it.

T,
When you asked if I wanted to share and I said no, I lied. Please ask again.

Dear T:

Guess, we cannot get into Tebow talk, lest we are discussing that 1M offer from Russia!

I'd soooo like to tell you all about how much I hope the Pats have a more winning season than another NFL team and why. But, I cannot write that, even here!!!

Well, it appears, that you, will also, be aware of the crossroads path talk! I'll know more, even before walking into your office!

Why is, each and every time I walk into you office, in the past year, filled with more and more life changes and occurrences? Not that I am complaining about not having a dull moment from month to month, but why has this past year, been momentous?

-Me

Dear T,

I can't go on like this. I just cannot continue for one more minute or I literally will not make it. I can't figure out how to fix it so I'm feeling like giving up. I need help to hang on because my hands are slipping. They hurt, T I need you so badly but I don't know what you could possibly do to help. I don't understand you and this whole t process. All I know is I cannot stand this anymore and I am not taking care of myself and I have no energy to do anything else. Please do something...

Dear t,
I just had me a good cry. Yes you read correctly. I'm being triggered left and right this week and it feels horrible. I want to call you but i'm not. I just wish you knew how bad i feel and how hard it is but you're never going to know.
I don't want to burden you with my problems. And i don't want to worry you with my thoughts.
I remember once when i called you last winter. I was sitting in my car having a breakdown. It was on the weekend and you called me back. You made me feel like a worthwhile person. You made me feel like i deserved a place in life. One thing i will never forget is when you asked if i had a coat on because it was so cold out. You didn't have to do that, it's not part of your job. Maybe you do care about me huh? I'm sorry for doubting you. I'm lucky to have you as a therapist.

Dear new T -

PLEASE don't make promises and break them just like the old T. I did tell you I have huge trust and abandonment issues, right? So maybe it's not such a good idea to tell me you're going to text me so I have your number and then not do it?

Dear T,

YOU'RE NOT BEING CAREFUL ENOUGH WITH ME.

AGAIN.

And I'm really mad at you.

TR