Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

CBT T-

When you get back from your consulting gig, I wanna see what's on that bookcase behind you , looks like board games, kid's books, a blanket and stickers. Kids get all the fun.

Although, that board game called "Feeling, Thinking, and Doing" sounds very shrink-y and boooooring. Do kids see through that? The game that isn't really fun?

T,
I know I said it wasn't an emergency but I need to know my options. I did however expect you to call at least Monday. It's been a week now, I've had no word from you or pdoc even though I've tried. I told you I'd ride it out. I know you said that I can't always ride it out that it's not fair to our family just to wait things out. Within Hours after my appt. I learned my son is now scared of me, my husband had a fail suicide attempt, and I'm asked to go IP. So the next day I called you to find out what my options were instead of IP & PHP. I rode it out though. I may appear unscathed when you see me but I'm hurt, guilty, shaken to the core and tattooed so I don't SI. I feel like ****, and abusive. I never wanted to be like that. I'm still very short tempered but so sad, I wish I could sleep. I wish I could take back my calls because I know when there is an emergency I have no one to turn to. Mood wise I think I'm going down, I think I'm drowning, lives so heavy and I ****ed up everything/one I care for.

MM

Dear T,
You first said that twice a week sessions are not a good idea.
Two sessions after, you tell me we can start twice a week.

Since nothing changed in TWO sessions, I can only assume one of the following:
1. You are confused. A confused T isn't a good idea.
2. You only see me as a wallet. Some clients of yours might have left and you decided to make up for the lost money. It's not the best case scenario for my ego, but get it. At least you're not confused...

Dear T,

I wish I could talk to you this week regarding my anxiety about the assessment next week. It starts monday morning. I am scared I will say the wrong thing and sway the result in the wrong direction, which ever that direction is. Having my parents involved scares me so much. This is why I mentioned the abuse last week. Every time I think about calling them to ask I start to panic. I can't live like this. I feel like I'm being ripped in two.

T,

I wish you were here. I'm on my computer and I am listening to music. I don't know what we would chat about though because you are a very classy lady and i'm not very sophisticated.

T,

Sometimes I wonder whether you find me a bore. Sometimes I feel like you should be going "oh gosh this person is so silent I'm the one doing all the talking here."

I don't know T. Why do I feel this way?

htn

I sent you an email asking for us to terminate.. Were you expecting that?

You didn't understand anything I wrote... anything! I felt completely idiot and ashamed. I will never talk about this topic again, even though it interferes with my life. Thank you very much for being so dumb.

T,

Today's session felt weird. I'm trying to remember how we spent those 50 minutes and I honestly don't know what we talked about after the first few minutes. I know you asked if I wanted to work on some different things and I know I said "no." Usually I'm eager to work on anything, even if it makes me uncomfortable. Maybe today I didn't want you to see me cry - I did anyway.

It's weird. Sometimes, I want so much for you to see me cry, so that you'll understand how much I hurt. But today I wanted to pretend everything was fine, when obviously it wasn't. I wasn't ready to talk about the stuff you suggested, I wasn't willing to feel that vulnerable today. Maybe you just hit the nail on the head - maybe I wasn't even aware how hard this topic would be, how much it hurts me. I think I'm avoiding it. I know I'm avoiding it. I want to feel ok about it, I feel like I should feel ok about it by now, but I don't. It hurts like hell and I don't understand it. And I couldn't talk about it. Which was fine with you, because it's my session.

And then I froze and nothing seemed to matter for the rest of the session. You talked about something else, after I cried, after I was silent, after I couldn't speak even if I wanted to (did I want to?), after you asked what was going on for me and I said I was fine while the tears slid down my cheek. I heard you, I even engaged in the conversation, but it didn't seem important.

Maybe it's because you're still new for me. Maybe I felt we rushed into this topic. I feel stupid that I can't talk about it. Maybe I'm scared you're trying to take over other T's role - scared I won't need her anymore because now I see you. But I'm way too attached to her. Maybe I'm scared because sometimes it feels like you know what you're doing more than other T and maybe I shouldn't be seeing other T. But maybe your styles are just different.

Today's crying was just different. I don't know exactly how. Sometimes when I start to cry, I want to keep crying. Today, I tried to stop the tears. I tried to blink them away, and when that didn't work I closed my eyes to pretend I wasn't there, so I didn't have to look at you.

Maybe I'm starting to really like you and I'm afraid I'll get attached, so I don't want to tell you everything just yet. It's not like you even pushed the topic. Hell, you probably don't even know what the topic really is - you didn't directly bring it up. I think we just touched on it inadvertently.

Sometimes, it's really hard to tell if I don't want to talk or if I want to but I'm having trouble talking.

I'm pretty positive I'm becoming attached. Didn't take long did it? I wasn't attached the first session - you were nice enough, good enough, it was ok. But then I noticed that you cared, and I crave that care so much, and now it's all I think about. Now it feels like you understand me even when I don't say anything, like you know how I'm feeling and know just how to make it ok. It feels like everything will be ok when I see that caring.
And already T, after meeting just a few hours ago, already I miss you and yearn for our next session. That's not normal, and I'm judging and hating myself because of it. I like you T. I didn't think I would feel comfortable with anyone but other T, and I'm not to that point with you - but I like you. And I want you to like me. Because I'm lonely.

I'm sorry for all this silly blather T. Guess it makes up for my silence in sessions. Maybe I'll show you these words next week? Maybe you can help me make sense of them?

Lol! My t WRITES in his books too!! So glad to know it's not just me freaking out!

T,
Your the best
I was so spacey from meds and upset about everything and you were so good about it. Thank you for being understanding and pulling me back into some proper perspective. Thanks for figuring out the email/phone call thing with me. Thanks for listening and helping like you always do

-A

Dear T,

Operation: Sticky Note is complete!! They are now organized because I am a champ. They're colour-coded and sorted by the "type" of page they are on.

I still don't know if you were giving me permission to do it, or trying to see if I'd resist doing it, or as a dare to see if I just WOULD do it. I really have NO IDEA but I decided that I would do it anyway. It helped me focus and actually go through the book.

You are probably going to roll your eyes and laugh when you see it though. That's ok. I just hope that you don't hate it and want to change it back. I hope you won't be annoyed or frustrated that I DID reorganize them for you. But it's ok if you want to put it back to your way - I wrote down where everything had gone. And I kept the sticky notes. They're organized by colour too. You might be able to reuse most of them.

And I picked out the exercises that I'm willing to try. They're also colour-coded but along the top of the page. Pink ones are the ones that will be hard right now. Yellow are more approachable.

Please don't kill me!! You sorta dared me to do it you know!

(This is what it looks like now that it's organized)

You may now need the ocd workbook

Dear T,

Yesterday, you repeated the question, if I was 'writing this all down.' At the time, it seemed safe to feel you were referencing writing down, what I was going through, in my life. After sleeping on it, and pondering this, 'writing it all down', I do feel like bringing a notebook, to my next session with you, and 'writing this all down.'
You've raised some excellent points, and clearly I feel you desire to help me out of my predicament. Life, is about word choices, at times, in life.

He has yet to mention the word OCD.

I would not be surprised if I ever had "OCD-tendencies" tacked on somewhere.

red panda, maybe your T has ocd and it just rubbed off for a bit
((I am kidding of course; I'm actually impressed by your organization!))

Dear T,
I should have told you in person that I won't be going back; at least for a long while (I did mention I have unexpected expenses and I may be laid off) I don't know how long.... it's ok to give up my regular time.

No... no he doesn't. He couldn't even find the things in the book with his own sticky notes. AND he's written a few random works on and off in the book.

I, however, am an organizing champ when it's not my kitchen table or desk.

Back on Topic:

Dear T,

At least I enjoyed going through the book to organize it. I probably wouldn't have gave it much of a look if I hadn't been reorganizing it. And it was interesting to see that yes, all those sticky notes are actually in there for me, because all the other sections without sticky notes are things that aren't really things we're concerned about.

But I do wonder who some of the random pen-notes were about. I know one of them was me, and one of the others MIGHT have been me. But I have no idea about the third one. It's not any of my business but WHAT WERE YOU DOING writing in the book in pen!

I don't know why writing in a person's own book in pen is a bad idea. I am just curious.

In this case, they're specific notes/comments for people he's worked with (don't know who, at least one is definitely me). I'd think it would make it over time more confusing to use with other people or to lend to other people.

I'm also just one of the many people who do NOT write in books. Everytime I cringed at his writing I then laughed.

Bipolarartist has begun a new thread here
http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...part-viii.html