Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

You do not deserve this. I know the dark place, I am in that pit. But for all that is good and holy please take your meds and get some rest. Sleep deprivation enhances all negative tendencies. Take a B12 instead of the laxative. Eat a banana, visualize it as the enemy.

Dear T,

I forgot this yesterday because I was upset (as I always am after leaving a session) - but I did find it rather funny when you said that you knew some different mindfulness activities that would definitely make me never come back (and I appreciate that you admit that you find a lot of the activities silly too). It actually makes me more willing to subject myself to the ridiculous - and I'd like to know what the ones are that you think would send me running to the hills!

Dear Pdoc,

Thanks. Also, I didn't tell you all of the things I had planned to. I'm not yet at the point of worrying myself, but I'm edging in that direction. It's so freaking expensive to see you, though, and I'm wary of being too needy, so I think I'll just wait.

Dear T,

I was really triggered today. I think I partially know why, but I could use your help piecing this together. How do I let go and really show you all the parts of me?

Dear ExT,

I worry for your clients. I know, that's extraordinarily presumptuous of me, but sweet baby jeebus, you really effed that up.

Oh, and T, please help me. I can't think straight right now. My mind keeps veering down these dark roads and my flashlight battery is just about dead.

No, really, my mind is a yawning void. It's taking everything I have to compose these sentences.

Dear T,

1) I wonder why you didn't believe in me? I really think you need to ask yourself that question.

2) Why did you go against me and trust someone else? You may not like the answer if you're honest with yourself. Please give this some serious thought.

I tossed and turned and cried all night.

I'll miss you.

You are a smart and accomplished man. I could take you down in flames if I chose to do so. Had I come to you describing the relationship you and I had but with another co-conspirator, you would have told me clearly and loudly that I was being played and it was toxic. I understand that your feelings were strong- I do believe that even though you would go through periods of panic and treat me horribly. Remember the time you left me a message about an open time you had? I responded within 10 minutes and you tersely replied that you were no longer available. You would randomly invite me on a trip, and then back away from the cliff. You always blamed me for dis-engaging, and I am sure you still do. Can I believe that you have been through it enough and will no longer risk the consequences with other clients?

Dear T,

I just pulled the little card out of purse that says the next date and appointment time. I am THINKING you were slightly distracted or out of it, because guess what - you wrote MY name, the pdoc's name, and the time. There's no date, and you were supposed to put our next appointment on there too. bahaha. Lucky for you I put the dates and times into my phone. I bet that one was supposed to be yours because you are going to be at the pdoc appointment with me. It made me laugh. I'll have to point it out to you if I'm not in too miserable of a mood when I see you next.

Dear T,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm frustrating you - my lack of vulnerability and everything...you say I'm not frustrating you but that I won't make a decision to be real or feel or whatever sometimes frustrates you. Well, I'm sorry. You say it's very basic. So I failed. What else is new? I'm sorry I can't meet your expectations. I'm sorry I'm so ****ed up. I appreciate your feedback but I'm not sure what you want from me. I have no script, T. Honestly, what do you expect? I'm sorry I'm not a good client. I'm tired, T. I want to check out. I think I already have mentally when in comes to you. Why am I always so close to being right about these things? Do you know how many people in my life that I have come to know even briefly, underestimate me and act like I'm stupid? They write my thoughts and ideas off like I'm a child and guess what happens? Guess who ends up being right in the end??? Guess who always ends up being left with the short end of the stick? Yeah. So I'm sorry if I don't trust your perspective all the way. I believe I'm a failure. Are you gonna be right this time or am I? History tells me where to place my bet.

So yeah - sorry I'm the way that I am. If I knew how to change myself I prob wouldn't need to meet with you, now would I?

Oh and thanks for sticking with me anyway. I don't know what I would do without you...

Dear T,

The only thing I was ever proud of in my life, has been my job of 30+ years. You and your friend have taken even that away from me now. I'm embarrassed, shamed and humiliated. Do either of you have any clue as to how you've destroyed me? No. You think it's no big deal to trash Michelle?

What else do you think I have in my life? Why did you want to ruin me?

I took pride in my job, I appreciated my job. How would either of you like it if the shoe were on the other foot? You can't even imagine. That's the problem. Do you see now why I didn't tell people things? Didn't you see this coming? How I would be tremendously hurt by vicious gossip? Do you have any idea of how cruel people can be? Are you one of them too? I can't believe you are. I loved you. The damage can't be reversed.

xT,

thank you so much for responding to my text asking for an appt...and squeezing me in the next day..

I know you are staying late on a Friday night to see me. I guess maybe you no its bad because its the first time I've said I was in distress...
What a coincidence that you said you were just thinking of me when I texted...maybe thats why you decided to squeeze me in...

I'm really thankful whatever the reason....

Dear T,

Tell me that you didn't suggest me going into a php because you're giving up and don't know what else to do with me right now. I know I need extra help to keep stable and get grounded right now...but it's because you have my best interest in mind right? I feel kind of like you said that like you were throwing your hands up in the air not knowing what else to do with me. Maybe I was starting to push you away from helping me for some reason. I want your help still. Please help me.

Dear T,

If you read PC and know who I am send me a PM, I have lots to say and ask you. First question is: Why are you doing this to me?

Dear T,
Thanks so much for the text. I wasn't expecting it but it was a lovely surprise!

So T, I got to session and you said you were going on holiday next week with your friends on the day of our next session.

It's fine. I don't care anymore.

Dearest T,
Here's a riddle:
Q. How do you drive a transference-addled client nuts?
A. Call her, after not being in contact for almost 4 months, leave a message about getting back to work together, and then DON'T LEAVE A CALLBACK NUMBER!

Watch FeeltheBurn burst into flames!

Sigh.

Call me back, would ya?

p.s. It's so great to hear your voice. I can't wait to dig in again. Thank you for doing exactly what you said you would; you're the best.

Dear T:
Is it Wednesday yet? Usually the last week before you come back from holidays is easier, but now I just feel impatient because it's almost here. So much has happened. I feel really overwhelmed and just want to talk things out with you. I just want that moment when I'm sitting in the waiting room, waiting for you... and then you come out say say "Hi Purplejell"... and I know we still have the whole hour. You are my emotional home, and things just don't feel right without you. Trying not to put too many expectations on the session because sometimes it falls apart if I expect it to be too perfect. And I remind myself how hard it will be to actually tell you things when you are here... but still, I just want to see you and hear your voice. Want to feel known and understood. Come back soon, OK? Three weeks has been forever.

Dear T,

There is no relief from the pain you caused me.

I don't know what I did to make you turn on me? Maybe you just didn't like the way I look. But still, did you have to go out of your way to hurt me like this? Why not just tell me you don't want to treat me anymore. Why torture me mentally for a whole year? Was this fun for you? Are you sick?

I hate waking up to this every day. I thought you cared about me. I was a fool. I hate this.

Dear T,

Surprisingly enough, yesterday's session was great!
I mean, I know I was whining all the time and was in a horrible mood, but taking it all out on you helped me get all this **** out of my system. I felt like crap for about 20 minutes after the session and then, when I met with my friends I had some actual fun. I felt relieved!

So I guess I'll keep on whining in sessions, it's kinda good for me. Must be bad for you though; but I don't care, you're the therapist, deal with it.

Dear T,

I just filled out those schema sheets you gave me. That was lovely. Already knew that they would be mostly dysfunctional ones - I ticked off all but three in that list. I did have a few healthy ones though, and some which I put a ? mark next to because I sometimes think they might be true and sometimes not.

I've also been filling out those stupid daily mood things you want me to fill out. You said to find little challenges this week - well, I don't even have time for that because I've been busy with a lot of obligations. So I suppose those obligations count because I do not want to be taking part in them. My thought processes are totally stupid, just so you know.

Dear T,

I don't care what anyone says or what happens in the future between us...I know in my heart that we had a very special connection. It's inexplicable. Not romantic maybe but very special unto its own. That doesn't come along everyday or every decade. That's why I'm so much. That's why I'm so devastated by what's happened. Whether you know it or not, this is a great loss for us both.

Brava!!!!

I have no doubt, Michelle, that the connection was real and profound. But it is now in the past. Please try not to think about a future with him. It's harsh and I still struggle every day. Yes, he loved you. But it was his indulgence that got you where you are today. Yes, his feelings were real in that moment- but ultimately he decided that for HIS professional and personal well-being he had to banish them, and therefore YOU. Grieve, be angry, depressed, all of that...then focus on putting your life back together. You deserve it.

I really hope the garage can provide me with a courtesy car n Monday so that i can make it to our session.
I hate having car problems.