Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

Dear T,
It feels like its been longer than 2 weeks since i saw you last. I miss you so much. I am feeling a bit sad and nervous right now.
Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow though. Please make me work hard.
HT .

Today I talked to you in my head. I told you something and I looked at your eyes and you had such love and gentleness in them. You said something nice. I wanted to cry in your arms and you let me. I am just starting to let images into my head and have needs. That was very beautiful.

Dear T,

I have something very difficult to tell you and I am very scared you are going to terminate me. However I am not going to live a lie in this room because I DO want to get better and that means talking about the REAL issues. So in an effort to be totally transparent with you...i have been self harming with an OTC medication this weekend. I need your help...whatever I have to do to be able to control those urges I'll try anything you tell me.

MelisssaD81

Dear T,

I'm in serious trouble and I'm too afraid of going to the hospital to tell you that I really don't know how much longer I can wait for you to recommended additional help. I'm consumed with sui thoughts. I'm not sure I want to be here anymore.

I think I want to stop.

T,
I'm trying to believe you. I hope you're right.

Dear T:
I wish you could be here and see me in my real life. I wish you could sit with me on the floor of my apartment. Sometimes in your office feels so removed from the rest of my life, and I wish you could be here in the trenches with me. I feel so alone. I wish someone really knew, more than just an hour a week. It feels SO important for me to tell you. I wish I knew you still existed right now, somewhere. It feels like you disappear.

T,
I know stop thinking, but how the **** can I be furious, betrayed, confused by one statement and grip tooth and nail to another statement when you said both in the same breath! I'm so confused, I honestly am questioning whether those words actually came out of your mouth when I 'know' they did. I hate that therapy makes me question my perception of everything. I thought you understood my reasons. Talk about me like I'm not there just because I'm confused was not cool. I don't know if I will cry or be angry when I as for clarification. How could you believe him just because I kept my mouth shut. I kept my mouth shut because I was going to fight with him because he was lying to you. I kept me mouth shut out of respect for you, your time and that I don't want you to see that side of me.

I guess I have to call for clarification. Sorry.

MM

Dear T,

I'm frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated. Frustrated.

Very frustrated.

(It's funny how words written many times in a row suddenly look really weird.)

Dear T
i am tired of this whole thing. Please encourage me to carry on.
HT.

Dear T,

That was the sullen, pensive me. I realized, I'd exposed my scars to you. Those are really old. I sit like that, when deep in thought, lots on my plate and don't even realize it's facing out, not in, the scars, that is.

I'll be sure to check out the Behind the B's!

-Me

Dear T,
I saw my pdoc today. He upped my meds but kept me on the same ones that I have been on. I feel nothing. No hapiness, no sadness, no pain no joy. I do, however, feel anxious. You don't know what to do with me and neither do I. My pdoc says to possibly change T's but honestly I think I need to switch pdocs. Neither one of you asked me today about if I had SH'd recently, but I did. I was just so anxious I didn't know what to do.
I forgot to tell you about the the dream that I had. I was in some kind of classroom where you were teaching and I think I failed some kind of assignment or something. When you told me I collapsed face first on the floor sobbing and couldn't (or choose not to) get up. Someone ended up picking me up and I passed out. The next thing I know I'm sitting back at my desk, not talking to anyone, not moving at all, just staring out into space. I could not function, I couldn't do anything. As soon as I mumbled something, it's like everyone heard and told me that I was doing a good job and to keep it up. I don't know if the dream meant anything but I felt that it did.
I'm not sure I want to get better anymore, it's too hard. Sounds crazy right? I think maybe I should stop going to see everyone. No one can save me and I don't have the energy to save myself.

Dear T.

I'm doing my counselling training and oh my goodness, your boundaries are awful!

Dear T,
I miss you so much that it's almost a physical pain. I don't think its YOU that i am missing,.but the security and safety of the therapy space.

Dear t,

I really needed to talk to you today but i managed to pull through on my own. I want this to be a good thing but why doesn't it feel so good? Got through an anxiety attack and cried and did it without calling you. But you will never know. Sucks.
Sorry, i hate being needy. Wish there was a remedy for neediness.

We are switching to early morning sessions. I hope you are not too shocked at what you see. My meds haven't kicked in at that time....

Dear cbt T---

How can anyone be that upbeat all the time? Why are you so happy...constantly? I've been meaning to ask what your secret is.

If it's about making lots of cash through work and endless sex at home, then that would be kind of a letdown. Not that you would admit that's what what it all comes down to. Is that really all it comes down to? (sigh)

Dear T,

I wish you had all the answers. This is getting too complicated over nothing. I just want you to help me and don't know how you can. Please stop asking how to help me and figure it out - i'm slipping away.

Dear T,

Why are some people so cruel? You would never intentionally hurt me would you? I know you would never do that.

Dear T, dont ask ME what I need if you arent going to do it! What I say goes I am paying you not the other way around. So Monday when I walk in have coping skill stuff ready to start with as I am on the verge of complete disaster. There does that help get the point across? Am I clear now?!?!

Dear T,

I don't want to come in tomorrow. There's so many difficult things I know I need to talk about.

I'm afraid. I remembered a lot of upsetting feelings from when I was younger over the week and I'm afraid of having to feel the pain of them again.

I recognized that all I've done is look at you like my mom. I didn't realize how much I was until now-always afraid of upsetting you or what you'll think of me.

I remembered why and how much I was afraid of losing my mom when I was younger.

I have a child me inside of myself constantly fighting with the me now. It's hard to tell if it's me talking or the child me at times now.

I have so many feelings I want to say to you but none of it makes sense towards you. They are bottled up feelings from when I was younger that I need to get out. I don't know if I should. I'm scared, and of course, I fear what you'll think of me and how you'll feel. You are not my mom, but it feels like it for some reason.

I missed you so much this week and felt so proud of working through things without emailing or calling. Now I just want to bolt. I want to leave and never see you again so I don't have to deal with this anymore. I felt like this last week. I made myself come in and it felt so much better after. It really doesn't have anything to do with you. I'm fighting with myself and you're in the crossfire. You are the person all my bottled up feelings as a little girl have been pushed onto. But you are here to help me work through it not make it worse. You will not make me feel bad. You will not get sad or angry. You are not going to leave me. I don't have to worry what you think of me. You are not my mom.

Amen to that

Dear current T,

I AM and have been actively self harming for the last 2 weeks and cant stop. Assuming you were going to terminate as that is in the contract I went about finding another therapist who is on standby in case you do terminate. So just let me know.

Dear new T,

Thank you for being willing to work through my self harm. I have you on standby in case my current T terminates.

Dear T,
I like you and respect you but I am also afraid to be one hundred percent honest with you. I think if you really knew all the stuff that goes on in my head you would be shocked. I know you don't want to hear about suicide, I see the fear in your eyes when I've brought it up in conversation, so I don't do that anymore. But suicidal thoughts are not going to go away just because you want them to or just because it makes you more comfortable. I wish I could talk to you and you could really understand. But you don't seem to be a person who has had his own suicidal thoughts, and I've learned that people who haven't experienced it just do not get it.
So I keep it to myself. I should be talking to you, but I keep it to myself.
I feel like I am constantly struggling in life, treading water just to stay afloat. Things have never been easy, I have always struggled, with the hope that maybe someday it will get better. As I get older, the hope for the better future gets less and less. As all my friends are getting married and starting to have babies and I sit here alone night after night with disaster dating stories and nothing to show for it, I feel more hopeless. You say there is hope for me, and I hope you are right, but deep down I know you aren't.
I want to do everything I can to not be suicidal and I want to do everything in my power to help myself and help others. But I dont think you understand how hard it is for me to even function on a daily basis as a normal person.

I am losing hope, T, and I feel completely alone in those feelings.

Dear T. I'm stuck and I need you to push me. I'm on the cliff to fall but I can't take that step...please just push me. Please.