Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

I really want to ring you to make sure you're there, but I know I will see you on Monday. Do you see me when I drive past your office? I can't help it, it's the only route to the beach from my place. I sometimes wave, silly I know.

Hello T,

I try to impress you with my vocabulary so you think I am smart. Is it obvious? I wish I could stop.

Dear T2,
I apologize in advance. I'm a bit sick. I stayed home from work yesterday. If I act like a zombie, it's because I feel like one. I will try to make sure I do not cough while I am there.

Also. You're going to be in for an earful. A lot has happened in my world since mid-July. I'll give you the quickest run-down possible.

Dear T

Please help

Dear T, I don't know how to tell you that things have been getting bad again. It started happening everyday and yesterday something my friend did triggered me so bad, I just couldn't be around people any more. Everyone just looked like they couldn't be trusted and I was getting so afraid. I know sometimes it's just in my head but right now, I feel like everyone around me hates me and wants to hurt me. I pretend to be strong in front of you but I'm really falling apart inside. I can't imagine having to go see you tomorrow. I feel like such a crazy person for overreacting...

T,
I keep writing you notes and tearing them up because they sound stupid. I don't even know what it is that I am trying to tell you. I feel like there's something huge I need to tell you, but I honestly don't know what it is. Maybe I just want there to be something so I can feel close to you. Yesterday it felt like you were really far away, like you really didn't want to be in the room with me. I feel like you know I'm so obsessed with therapy, so sometimes you don't try as hard, because I'll always be a paying client. I think sometimes you don't know what to say, which is okay. And sometimes you don't understand what I'm saying, which is fine too, even though it makes me feel stupid. Maybe yesterday was hard because you didn't smile much. Even when we talk about hard stuff, I can usually catch a smile, or see some happiness inside of you. I know I was looking away a lot yesterday, which I do a lot - but I think you were having a bad day and I didn't want to make you feel worse. I kind of wanted to be your therapist. I wanted you to tell me what was going on, I wanted to help you, to be there for you. I felt bad being there, because I think I'm a tough client, and I didn't want to make your day worse. I wanted to get up and give you a hug. I wanted to let you cry. Maybe I'm just projecting all this and you were having a perfectly okay day. But I felt like there was something different, less energy in the room. I know I'm rambling, I always do. I really like and respect you and I guess I never want to see you unhappy. I know you're human, and you can't be full of that energy I so admire every time we meet. I hope you're okay. I wish I could help make it better. I know that's not my job. At all. I kind of want to tell you this stuff I just wrote, but I'm scared it will make you feel worse - not my job to take care of you, I know. I really don't know what the purpose of this note is. There's lots I want to tell you, and I didn't really share any of it here. I don't really know. My brain hurts. It feels like it's racing, except it's empty too. I feel weird. Maybe I felt that yesterday you didn't understand my feelings like you usually do. I think sometimes you think I'm just acting, putting on a show - even though I expressed that once and you told me you do understand, that I'm not just pretending, not exaggerating stuff just to create more chaos. I don't know what I'm saying. Sorry. Most of what I say doesn't make sense. Well, I hope you're okay, and that if you were having a bad day, it got better.

T,
Okay yes I haven't slept. Yes I'm tired. I don't think I'll be able to stop talking, please bare with me. I need to know how I scared you so I don't do it again . It seems like I scare you a lot! I know you'd see me more if county would allow it. Please be gental today, I'm scared of you today. We have such a weird relationship.


MM

I feel so strongly that you have been reading all my posts along with your BPD wife and because of that you have judged me, you felt critizied, and you made a mess out of everything. The only way for you to help me now is to come clean and see where it can go from there. Othewise I will never trust you and will go else where. Think about how you could have helped me if you just used your education, training and skill and based it on what was happening in session. I am worse now than when I first step foot in your office. Of course I can never prove this but my spidey senses tell me it is true. I know you realize you made a huge mistake. It is time to own up to it instead of letting me feel like I am crazy.

Dear T,

I would like to follow you home to see where you live. I'm sure your husband isn't as educated and clever and attractive as you are. How could he be? And even if he was all those things, he'd probably be 10 years older than you and balding. You're the complete package.

Dear T,

How could you do this to me??? I'm so upset. The fact that you don't care doesn't make any difference to me. I'm still hurting.

Dear T,

I wish I could just be real with you and talk to you all the time. I'm a mess and so constricted with my feelings. I do know that I feel lonely and sad....hence the desire to never leave your office lol I think if I knew the session wasn't going to be over in 50 minutes I would be more open with you. As it is, sometimes all I can think about is how the clock is ticking....I can almost hear the seconds tick by.....and at the end of it I'm going to have to leave and you're going to tell me to have a good weekend, shake my hand and ill say take care /:

Then that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach will set in and all my feelings will pour out in the car. Why not with you!? You say that it can be scary to feel and that its protective and that too much at once might even be dangerous, but T, I don't care! I want it to be over. It hurts too much

Lately i've had this irrational fear of you dieing in like a car accident or something. I want to tell you but I don't want to freak you out... please don't die.

Today you told me you have cancer. You said you aren't worried at all but I'm scared.

Dear T,

You're the best T and I wouldn't trade you for any other...but I hate that we run in similar circles and I know some things about you. It makes me sick knowing you are getting married next month and the exact day. I want to throw up at the thought. I'll probably be nauseous your whole wedding day...and the whole week your gone for that matter.

I appreciate you always being so good about helping me as much as you can with this stuff so it doesn't affect our work. And thank you for blocking me on fb per my request

-your crazy patient who searched you on fb and has friends who know you

T,

sometimes I feel like running away. But if I do, would you chase after me and tell me that it'll be fine?

htn

Dear T,

I hope you have enjoyed all the rain on your hunting trip! It should be good for getting the moose out...

Also - I don't really want to give you the story you had me write. And. I know you were wanting me to challenge myself this week, but honestly, I've been in bed sick. Legit sick too. So no dice.

But yeah. I really am worried about giving you that story. For multiple reasons.

Dear T,

sometimes i get the feeling that this just isn't meant to be. Making an appointment to see you seems to be getting harder and harder, and i am wondering if it's a sign not to bother anymore.
We constantly miss each others calls and have to reschedule due to my work schedule/your work schedule/holiday/illness.

I'm scared that i am losing you. Please call me to reassure me that you arent letting me go.

logically, i KNOW you aren't doing this on purpose and that you do care. You've showed me time and time again that you care, going above and beyond for me.
But i don't understand why you would. I'm not worth it, i am not worth love or compassion or to be treated nicely..yet you do it anyway.
Sometimes your niceness and compassion p!$$es me off and makes me angry. I wonder why.

HT.

Dear T,

Just FYI: I'm only sitting in front of you for the next few weeks because Pdoc won't talk to me over the phone about switching therapists. I absolutely hate that I have to keep seeing you for a few more weeks because I have to run it by him first. Depending on how Monday goes I might set up an earlier appointment with Pdoc to discuss this switch earlier than Oct. 18. If you don't jump right into coping skills Monday then I will be quick to schedule an earlier appt with Pdoc.

Dear T. I'm going through the most difficult time in my life. But leaving you seems the only option.

I'm terrified.

It's affecting my work and everything.

I'm so tired.

Dear T,
I'm depressed, and hurting.. I know that I dont speak about much. I just cant seem to get anything out that means much of anything when we meet. It would be much better if we could just email eachother back and forth, or perhaps IM for the hour that i see you.
There are too many things coming back to the surface of my mind. Too many things make me remember.. and i dont want to talk about it.. but i dont want to be depressed over them either... why must i be so complicating?
I've been depressed for a while now, but it only started hurting about a week ago. I dont tell you because doing so makes me depressed too.. I want to be positive so I tell you i'm fine. and my numbers on the rating scale show a better state than before.
This kind of stuff, I need to talk about it when it comes up.. because it's not always on my mind, and probing me wont make it suddenly there, I just go blank and start stressing out on the inside... But it will come back.. I'm pretty sure it will keep coming back until i find a way for it not to. or atleast find a way to make it where it wont affect me in a negative way...

Dear T,

I had a dream about you and my mom last night. I am embarrassed to tell you how I felt with you in the dream because it felt so real. With my mom, it didn't make a whole lot of sense to me and it was scary. I've never had a dream with both of you in it. I believe it symbolized a lot of real feelings I have but I'm scared to even talk about it with you.

Dear T,

The fog is lifting but it only clears the way to a better view of my broken heart.

T,

the days I meet you are so mentally tiring because after dealing with you, I have to deal with pdoc.

.. I'm tired. I don't want to go. Would you be disappointed if I didn't turn up?

htn

Dear T:
You made me feel so safe and cared for in our session this week. You say it's good for me to want that from people. But sometimes it doesn't feel very good when I don't know how to make it happen with people other than you. Sometimes it seems like it would hurt less not to want things.

Dear T,

I know I called and I'm sorry. I was a little freaked out H asked me to go to IP. Please come up with an idea for me so I don't have to go to PHP or IP. Please don't call me back we can talk about it next session.