Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

Are you really this cold uncaring text book quoting cardboard cut out of a therapist that you finally showed yourself to be, or can I fool myself that yet again it's transference and my perceptions are wrong?

Trouble is, whatever you answered, if you actually got it together to formulate a response that was addressed directly to me and not be some generic impersonal generalized quote that you've memorized from your psych 101 class, it would not prove anything one way or the other

Dear T

It's too difficult, it's too difficult, I feel like giving up. Not going to but only because of my H and my cat. I can't do this. I started crying earlier and my feelings were terrifying so I had to detach again. How am I supposed to live like this?

TR

Dear god, PLEASE DON'T read that email. I desperately want to call you and beg you to delete it without reading it, but that just draws more attention to it and makes me sound like that much more of a lunatic. ugh.

Dear male T who is not really a T but more of a social worker,

I wish you were my dad. Wanna be my dad?

Dear T,
I wish I could tell you this...

Please say yes to the twice a week. Just seeing your face gives me a high for hours, maybe days, and a motive to get better.
Don't be afraid of my(?) feelings. I wont cause you any trouble. I wont act on anything.
I just want to FEEL... It's been a long time since I last did.

Dear T,

I don't want to talk about my husband's affair anymore. I want help with what I originally came to you for. Please, just help me with that. I know you think that the affair was traumatizing to me, and you are right, but the affair needs to be put on the back-burner. I can't deal with that right now.

Dear T,

Thank-you for helping me figure out what I need from my new team when I move. What you said made me have complete trust in you.

Dear T,

I still can't believe you would do this to me. You really thought that little of me? It would have been better if you sent me to someone else before all the nonsense started. I am so hurt by all this... You have no idea.
.

Dear T,

I have to come in today and I am so scared. A part of me wants to tell you that we're not a good fit and that this should be our last session but an equal part of me is afraid you will tell me that I've been so bad and such a disappointment that you don't want me to ever come back. I wish you could wave a magic wand and just fix it but I know that can't happen. And I know that I am never going to get better.

I miss you, more than I can say. I wish we had never met. Or i wish we had met in a context where we could carry on contact.
You never spoke about how you felt, you never let me talk about how i felt. You were so good at fixing me, but look what it left behind. I'm not saying it is your fault, I'm saying i miss you like crazy and I hate the fact that I will never see you again.
I'll love you forever even though you probably don't remember me, and thats really sad.

Dear T,
I've been doing so well containing my feelings of missing you. The last month hasn't been too hard. But now I know you're back in range, and I have to wait at least another month before hearing from you whether we can resume our work, and the pain and loss is burning out of control again. I'm tired of waiting and tired of holding all this myself. I'm tired of you in my dreams, my thoughts, silent, out of reach. I feel insane. I'm ready to crack.

Dear T,

I just realised I'm probably a horrible person (and everyone who reads this will probably think the same). I've been constantly depressed and anxious for so many years that I now, on top of everything else, think I'm afraid of feeling good. It's like I've developed some sort of bizarre and absurd Stockholm syndrome. Well, not really but I think I'm afraid of not feeling depressed and/or anxious because I don't know what that's like. I'm scared of uncertainty. Don't get me wrong, I hate my depression and anxiety so freaking much but I'm scared of not feeling the way I do right now. These are the only feelings I know.

I suck, I know.

Neutrino, there are many who feel as you do. I'm afraid of who I will be without my illness. Its been decades. Thanks for posting.

Sent from my VS920 4G using Tapatalk 2

Dear New T,
You talk too much. Can I get in more than one sentence on each topic we cover? Thanks.

Dear T,
I'm mad at you. I know I completely trust you but right now I'm completely furious at you. You were so concerned and upset when you finally understood. I thought you already understood, years ago! ****, I mean you've talked to my husbands, I've been sitting right there when he has said I have not ate. I've joked about surviving on soda, been completely honest, I told you I wanted a divorce because my husband was being a jerk about it. **** it, it took you two years to convince me to get a PRN because it may possibly cause weight gain, and seriously your shocked!

I've joked that I have no matabolism, gave you food logs, told you when I wouldn't even sip water, wrote whole letters to you about the topic, gave you articles, **** I gave you sites that I use to frequently visit. I told you how freaked out I was when my son had a feeding tube, how I flip out and try to rip out IV fluid is put into me, and when my husband made me go to the hospital for dehydration but it was just a migraine. You know I prosperously start fights around dinner and have to cook. You know everything, I've told you everything! I've joked when my ED turned drinking age. I ****ing was upset at you for offering me candy, I told you it detracted me the whole session, until I hid (slammed) it behind your phone where I couldn't see it.

So I did a project to make you understand that now I may end up loosing weight but not to worry because my behaviors haven't changed. I didn't know you didn't understand. It's like because I'm a healthy weight, joke about it, feel no guilt or shame about it, don't look frightened or anything that you thought I was okay.

I guess not judging from your concern I still have an eating disorder and a bad one at that. You questioned how I could possibly be alive if I really was serious. I laughingly told you my body decided to fire my matablizum, thyroid, and a few brain cells because it had to down sizing. Do you not remember I've dealt with this longer then your kids have been alive?

I really didn't think you would take it like this! Then you tried to make me talk seriously really? I never talk seriously, especially when nervous. I wanted to run, rip it up, rewind time anything to get me out of there but then you'd realize how bothered I was. Are you really more worried about my ED then my bipolar? Since you putting it into my little green folder (by the way I don't believe it's little) are you going to re-read my whole folder? Does this mean you haven't understood anything for the past 3 yrs.? I don't want to be serious are you going to try to make me?

I'm so mad at you,
MM

You asked why I didn't call you any the past couple of weeks. Well it is because I am sick and tired of being a freaking burden to the world and you and everyone. I don't deserve anything.

TRIGGER*******TRIGGER********TRIGGER********TRIGGER********TRIGGER****************TRIGGER******TRIGGER*********TRIGGER********TRIGGER********TRIGGER

Dear Christi,

I wish you understood that that man didn't "have sex" with me. I didn't just make a bad choice to have unprotected sex. I've been through this a thousand times in my head. He made sure I was so far gone that I wouldn't be able to think straight. I didn't know what I was doing. All I really remember is that he wanted to and I felt like I couldn't think of what to say. That, and I remember what I felt like at the end. Most of all, I wish that I had the courage to tell you these things. I'm trying to remind myself that even if you've had sex with someone before, even if you're silent, those things don't equal consent. I know the feeling I had because I've felt it my whole life, sometimes more than others. The feeling of being filthy and irreparable.

AutumnLeaves

"I will always be there for you" Yeah right so long as I have the money. I don't care about the power differential and how it works I just want to know that I am worthy!

Dear T,

Why is it that you are right again?? I have been trying to deal with this **** for years with little to no success and your simple communication exercise worked when I tried it. WTF T?! Well I DO appreciate it, but at the same time it annoys me too lol I guess maybe I have been boxing myself in and believing there is no other way out. But maybe there is hope, eh?

Dear T, I thought I was getting better, I really wanted to get better but things are getting a little worse now. I can't control the thoughts or the emotions. I'm worried I'm going to go crazy again. I keep telling myself to not think about it but I can't. I'm just so tired of struggling, so tired of fighting this...

Dear T,

When you asked me whether I could keep myself safe the other day, my heart was going 'nope' but my mouth just went 'yes.' And my heart was right. How am I supposed to tell you about my failed sui attempt? How am I supposed to tell you I don't think I can stand this for a little while longer? I don't know whether I'll make it till your session T. I'm just tired. But you don't really care because you're all about finishing your therapy sessions on time. All you want is your structure. So I guess I'm alone in this battle. Again. As usual.

htn

Dear new pdoc,

You can go on thinking that medical school is expensive yes, medical school is expensive and compared to the school I'm enrolling to, my school's fees will be a piece of cake to pay for!!! Yay!!!! -_-

I feel like shouting at you that at least at the end of it, when you gain your degree, you would be guaranteed a job to pay back your loan. And my school? Its looked down upon on local society. It will be a challenge to get a job. And I probably won't get paid as high as others.

The previous pdoc painstakingly left notes for you to know me better. I know you're busy.. I acknowledge that. But at the very least you could have scanned through the important parts... When you asked me about my si, you only knew about one of the areas I si on. And its the area I least si on.

.. sigh.

htn

I'm worn down. They win. They all win. I lose.

I'm sorry this attack was not justified, I understand the thin edge of the wedge.

Dear T:
I wish you hadn't told me I could leave you a message and ask for one back in our last session before you went on holidays. I called and asked, and I thought it was still before you would be gone, but you never called back. And now I'm left here with this unresolved ending for 3 weeks. This really sucks. Now it's like a door I can't close. You can just go on with life, but I'm stuck here. It's hard enough when you go without it ending like this. I keep checking my phone, even though I know you are gone for sure by now. It's hard to even remember you as a person or anything good about the relationship... just the feeling of being left hanging I'm so scared of disappearing when you're gone. That no one will see me anymore. I try to suppress missing you and then I disappear even more.

Dear T,

I hate you for believing me. I hate you for not saying this is all made up, a fantasy, it couldn't have happened. I hate you for going to a funeral on Tuesday, so I have to have my session another day. I hate the person who died and the person who booked the funeral that day.

I don't really hate you. I hate everything else, pretty much.

TR