Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

T,
So super glad you're still awesome after the break!

Dear T,

I just signed on to tell you how much I'm hurting right now...you have no idea whatsoever. My friend just tried to calm me down

Happy to hear!

Michelle,
Anyone who has been here in these forums realizes that you are in deep and dangerous crisis. If you really want any peer help at all, you will have to be more forthcoming about what is happening. It is hard to trust, but think about this- your shrink and his/her conspirators are not on this site looking to incriminate you. They are not here at all. This is all nonsense to them. We are here to support one another, they don't have time or interest to follow us here. I felt as you did, until I realized how my paranoia prevented me from the ridiculously slim chance that I would be identified.

Dear T;

Thank you for finding me after that horrible incident with the pdoc not being there. I was just trying to calm myself down before leaving but you showed up probably a minute or two before I was going to get up and go.

And thank you for being pretty good at piecing together all the thoughts and opinions that I don't exactly link up when we talk.

And for bringing up that you were going too fast for me. I hadn't even said that, but I had wanted to, and you seemed to figured that out on your own.

Sorry for not looking at you.
-Me.

Thanks Hopeless but I do believe that certain people ARE out to hurt me even more than they have already. I am so upset by what people have done and said. This is not a joke for me. I came here to share and participate but now I realize that I should not have done so. Some things I can say but most I cannot. All I can do is cry. It's o.k. if people can't support me. I'm familiar with the feeling. I won't be surprised at whatever my T uses against me. After what he's done thus far... no, no, surprises. I expect the worst to come down the road. It's weird how the actions of others can turn you around into something you're not.

Dear cbt T-

Please drive with me. My imagining you saying nice things isn't the same. Please help. Too many people in my life have refused to help me with this phobia. Don't be one of them.

Michelle, have you looked into finding another T? If this one really did breach your confidence the way you said you should report him/her to the state licensing board and see someone else. This situation sounds very abusive to you and you deserve better.

ExT: I feel like you reawakened hatred in me. It had long been dormant, but son of a *****, you brought it back out again. It really pisses me off that I don't think you will ever understand that. Or any of it.

as much as I had a love-hate relationship with you.. today sounds like you don't want to continue with me. For who's benefit really T? Mine? I thought you knew from the start that I hate changing.. Thanks T. Maybe I should just make a move now.. disappear eternally.

thank you so much for that remark T.

Dear pdoc,

despite me insisting on no hospitalisation you still admitted me. Thank you. That's two fouls for today.

htn

Dear T, I don't know if you know. It's not that I don't want to tell you, I just don't know if I can. I know if I don't get over this, my symptoms won't go away but how do you accept that someone has done that to you? I don't even know if you're ever going to ask me but I'm just in a really bad place right now. I wish I could just tell you to get it off my chest but I don't even know if I can or should tell you about it... I wish you knew, I wish you understood, I wish you could help me.

Please help me. Please help me. Please.

Oh my God, oh my God! T, I need help! Tomorrow I'm going to a friend's house with a few other girls. Pizza and a movie. I repeat: PIZZA and a movie.

I can't eat pizza, I'm terrified! But I want to go see her, she's leaving for studies abroad. But I don't wanna puke either. HELP ME, I'M PANICKING RIGHT NOW.

Usually where there's pizza, there's salad... isn't there?

Dear T, today you kept asking me "What's going on with you? you're not yourself" over and over. I was honest, I don't know myself.

However, thank you so much for letting me lie down on the couch and covering me with a blanket and letting me lie in silence; I really needed that. Thank you for opening a window when i felt hot and putting your hand on my back to help my breathing. You were so helpful today xxxx

Yes T1, that conversation with T2 REALLY HAPPENED. It's not like I freaking made it up just because you don't understand it.

This session was SO USELESS.

Eat a good meal before you go to your friend's, then politely say your not hungry.

Or if you can have plain air poped popcorn do that.

Dear T,
I have a lot of anxiety about our session tomorrow and I'm not entirely sure why. I don't know where to begin and that scares me because I might confuse you and then you won't know how to help me. I'm not sure I can be helped anyway. I felt fine today, but the past 2 days were so bad. WHY CAN'T I KEEP MY EMOTIONS STRAIGHT? I'm not sure i want to be happy anymore it's too hard. Which is crazy cause isn't that the purpose of therapy? But I don't want to stop seeing you so now what do I do? I'm so tired I don't care about anything anymore. I'm not strong enough to keep hiding my feelings in public. So if I go out and feel depressed then everyone is going to know. I'm so confused. I don't know what to do. I'm so sorry.

So T,
I know I scared you last time and I was mad because it was obvious. I never like scarring you I worry you'll 'take back' all the things you've told my husband, understand his urgency and stress also. I'm finding it incredibly hard to understand and deal with the idea of this. How am I going to complain to you now my new meds are making me dehydrated?

Help

You have so much potential to be a great T, to bad your ego keeps getting in the way.

I dont know what to work on in therapy. But i am sure doc gave you ideas and you have your own given the severity of the situations lately with being hospitalized and all.

With sincere sensitivity and concern, I assure you that this is no joke to anybody here. We are not professionals, we do not have a dog in your fight. We are here to be supportive- so whether or not you regret being here, you do belong. Take your time. Accept our compassion.

Hopelesspoppy: I hope you did not think I was referring to the people here on PC when I said that I believe certain people are still out to hurt me. I should have clarified my post. I was actually referring to people in my personal life. I was also referring to my T when I said what has transpired with me was no joke. I do NOT regret coming here to PC, I regret being "found" if indeed that has occurred. I am grateful for PC and would encourage it's use. I'm not sure if I've been discovered here (how awful that would be) but if I have, then I would regret some posts. I would be extremely embarrassed once again (as if I haven't been embarrassed already). I can only imagine the worst if my T knew I was posting here. This is supposed to be anonymous. I relied on anonymity but my trust has been broken several times over and now I am afraid to think the worst again. It is terrible to feel trapped with no outlet. I do appreciate your support and others on PC. I hope you can understand my position.

[ quote=Hopelesspoppy;3263032]With sincere sensitivity and concern, I assure you that this is no joke to anybody here. We are not professionals, we do not have a dog in your fight. We are here to be supportive- so whether or not you regret being here, you do belong.