Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

Dear T,

I just had a thought. It's going to be Thanksgiving soon. You're probably going to ask me what my plans are for it - I don't have plans for it. I plan to avoid it. You're going to tell me to go and spend it with someone else and I don't want to do that. I hope you forget about the holiday or forget that holidays are typically triggers for me!

Do you even listen? All this time, I thought you did. Sure, you'd forget little things here and there which is understandable. But to ask me if I'm still married? I'm so confused right now. When did I ever give you the idea that I wasn't? Don't you think that something as huge as a divorce is something that I would have told you? We've only been talking about my marriage issues for a good 3 months now. Has it been Snooze Fest 2013 for you? I'm really disappointed in you right now. What's going on with you? What can I do to help you remember who I am?

I sent you that crazy email and I'm not even that concerned about what you'll think of it. But I know I should be. I'm going insane right now. I can't sleep and my mind is playing tricks on me. I don't know what's right and what's wrong anymore. Please call me in the morning so I can try to explain why I would do something like that.

T,
This isn't working out is it?

Dear T,

I know you gave me loads of prior warning, and you let me pick from loads of alternative slots, but I'm still cross that you had to rearrange our session this week. It's thrown my whole week off balance. I hate Mondays and it always helps knowing I have T the next day. So I'm cross with you.

TR

Dear t,

I emailed about terminating and it's made you even angrier.

Just what I want to say and can't.

I am so embarrassed. Did you see me nearly hit the deck when the whipper snipper started as i was leaving your office, I know your colleague did.

T,
My email wasn't a test, wasn't me being angry and throwing my hands up in the air. I do feel like I can do the work that I know you have brought me to. However, the thought of not seeing you again really freaked me out again, I am attached and I hate that feeling.
Do I dare tell you what I was planning on telling you what I was planning on doing on Friday instead of our appointment?
I know you said we will talk about it all at our next appointment.. but I really wish you would just reply back and say it is all going to be ok. I know.. constant reassurance. I should probably learn that you aren't going anywhere even if I try to kick you to the curb.

Healed

T, I came to realize that I both crave and fear an hug from you. Well, any kind of physical contact, to be honest. You know I like being inside my bubble, and I know you would never try to cross it. But secretly I wish you would, even though I would probably freak out. Where is this coming from?

Dear T!!

Pats are doing rather well!! So that's other team I mentioned.....

Go Pats!!!

-Me

Dear T,
If you ask me to challenge myself tomorrow when I see you, I am going to be flipping out on the inside. You have told me a bunch of times to find a small way to challenge myself - and you never ask the next time if I did! I put myself through little challenges everyday.

But if you do, I'm going to blurt out "No! I am having someone come to stay with me for a few weeks so that is a HUGE challenge!" So there. hahaa.

Also I really hope you forget that you told me to write a story. Because I don't really want to give it to you.

Dear T,
Thank you for aggreeing to print out the pages from the New DSR or is it DMS? The diagnostic book for psyche and people in the industry, to give me an idea about what they say for Sza disorder.

I dreamed that you offered to hold me. I woke up feeling disoriented and terrible. But there was also a part of me that was scrambling like hell to get back inside of that dream. Reality is such a cruel ****** sometimes.

I think I am done with all of this. I am hopeless.

Dear T,
I don´t know if I can hold on for another months maybe even more without you. It is proving to be really difficult. I can´t switch my head off and ignore all this past stuff it is creeping from inside of me all the time and it is getting scary. It seems there is more in the "black box" then I thought there is. Why you did not warn me? Why you just opened all this stuff and then left me for 4 months? No sub T no contact ... really how could you do this? I´m probably getting mad at you at this point.

Dear T.,

I dont know whats up lately, but i just keep spacing out. like i used to when i was a little kid. I dont know what that would be called, but i stare and who knows how long i was staring in one place, but then i realize time just sorta went by and i'm back to my senses that i'd been staring in one place for the past few minutes..
Maybe this is due to food? I dont really eat much.. I am noticing that as i have kept a food journal this week for group. I dont do it intentionally. On normal days, i forget to eat. This week i've been somewhat remembering to, but i'm not hungry, and when i try, i get sick. I prolly need some iron or protien or something, that's why i keep eating peanut butter.
When i was younger, people would call it, going into my "own little world". It was horrible at school trying to keep up with what the teacher was trying to teach. and often people had to say my name, and a few good times more to snap me out of it, and keep me focused on what they were wanting from me.
Usually people think i'm not paying attention or listening to them, but i would be. but these past few days have been where i'm just not there.
i know food has to do with how i am with aspergers, so maybe lack of it has something to do with it?

Dear T,

Okay, so I have to grudgingly admit the change of day has worked out well. I'm sorting a work nightmare with some files that keep corrupting and I really needed to be around to figure this out, plus I still have my T session to come tomorrow.

So I guess I survived.

I'm still cross though.

TR

Pdoc,

I know it. I know it. You don't have to keep saying it. I know that family cares about me. And I'm the wrong one here because I refuse to share anything. But you know what pdoc? It's more tiring to hear their remarks about me being weak, not doing enough, I'm just wasting their money yada yada yada than to keep it to myself. But wait, you won't understand would you?

I hate it everytime when I say "I'm not feeling too good" you'll start correcting me to "unwell, you mean?" I'm OBVIOUSLY avoiding that word. Oh wait, I forgot, you really love to follow the book on what to do do you?

Sometimes I really wish you would throw away your textbook-acquired theories and just listen to me! If T told you the reason of my overdose being you, and you touch on that subject tomorrow, I'm really going to walk out of the room.

htn

T

I am really mad at you

T,
I think you got a bit frustrated with me today! Sorry that I failed at that breathing exercise. I did try, but I couldn't stop myself from laughing. I just can't do those visuals. They seem ridiculous for me as I don't think in pictures!
I think you were frustrated (but also that you knew it was going to go that way) because you just handed me the DBT book and said to pick out 5 of them! I found that funny. I am better off when I'm doing the reading myself. And can maybe pick out some and work on getting my ridiculous laugh out of the way ahead of time.

And I very well MIGHT redo all your sticky notes, JUST because you said that that's what you expected I'd do. I'm going to figure out if you had any rhyme or reason to which colours were what. But they are very haphazard. Yes, I am judging them. But I will make it way more efficient for you - they will even be labelled. And colour-coded.

T,

Why does this always start to feel better then get worse again? I am a flipping roller coaster of emotions between my mood and remembering all the hurts from my past. There is no peace. It comes for a second then it gets thrown under a bus. I feel so hopeless like there is nothing you can do to help me anymore. I've plowed through the heartache so much already it's wearing thin on me. When will it end? When will this all really stop and not just for a second? When will I stop feeling hurtful feelings from the past and stop seeing them through you? You haven't done anything wrong, but the hurt I made myself forget creeps back and tells me it is you. It's not you...but it FEELS like it and it won't stop.

When I come in tomorrow, please say or do something to help ease this confusion. Pray with me or something. Why don't we do that? This is Christian Counseling. I need peace. I am in SO deep with you there is no way out now. Read me a scripture. Sit with me in my hurt. Remind me of all that I've gotten through and that it will get better again. I need something...anything. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. Pull me back in because I'm about to let go.

-A

Sigh of relief. Good thing I can be so tenacious

This will all work out.

Dear T,

You've hurt me more than anyone in my entire life. I think you'll always hold that top honor with me and I will never forget it.

Dear T,

I just spent the majority of 3 hours planning out how I am going to be reorganizing your DBT workbook stickies. It's very thorough. I've made sure to record which ones you had what colour so that you can reset it all if you really hate it.

But you sorta brought this on yourself as you put the idea into my head.

-Me

PS. For what it's worth, I've found it hilarious and relaxing.

P.P.S. What were you doing writing down a few random words in this book?! They're in pen! They can't be erased! You should have seen me cringe.