Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

You'll call, right? At some point... you'll call? And everything can be okay?

Dear T,

I really wish you were here right now. Or we were in session. Or something. I hate you again, except this time I knew I did. And I don't know why. And my mind keeps telling me not to come to our next appt. And I don't know whether to trust that it needs space or not listen because it's my mind doing what it does best. I feel angry for no reason today. I hate myself. I want to cut my wrists, i've never had an actual urge to do that before. I know I won't, because I don't want to die. I just wish I could force myself to email you right now instead of just writing what I wish I could say. I know you'd say something to make me feel better. But I hate you remember? What the heck is wrong with me right now? I need you to talk to me. But I won't bother you. Happy Labor Day.

What's the point in writing

If you tell me the ****ing handwashing story again or ask me if you have told me the ****ing handwashing story again, I think I will get up and leave and never come back.

Does your T have dementia or brain damage?

Lol, I wish...

Ha! My pdoc has the "walking in the don't walk sign" story. I'm gonna stop him next time,it's a waste of my time.

Dear CBT T-

Exposure therapy for my driving issues means you are going to have to get in my car.
I'm not going to get anywhere without you there with me.
Buckle up.

I miss you. I miss what we had. This never should have happened.

You need to try harder. You need to show you really want to reach me. You need to get more empathetic. You need to go above and beyond. You need to be more honest with your feelings. You need to tell the truth. When i hear the truth from you......when you stop protecting yourself.......that is when i will trust again.

T,

recontracting sounds weird. As in the term. It's like as if I'm getting a new phone line... but whatever, when those sessions end I'll just recontract with you. I need someone who knows me at this moment, someone who is constant and pdoc isn't. I don't want to keep repeating my story to someone else

htn

I have managed well withoutc you and without my job. Tomorrow I come back to both after a month off and I am dreading it. I can already feel my emotions starting to go haywire. If only tomorrow doesn't have to come.....

I know we aren't really supposed to dialog in this thread but I just wanted to wish you luck with the driving thing. Several years ago my T actually went for a drive with me to help me with this issue. He had to drive me in his car for the trip because I panicked thinking about driving him. but it still helped tremendously. Throughout the drive he was so calm and we talked about the things that made me anxious and he helped me feel safe. It was a real turning point for me. Since that time I have been able to drive pretty much anywhere I have to go without any difficulty. When I begin to get anxious I just recall his calm presence telling me I am okay and can do this.

Can we talk?

Dear T,

I know I sent you that email telling you everything I can't say but you probably already know, please don't make me say it out loud the next time I see you. I can't promise I won't run out of your office if I do

I hoped you would call.

Feeling really down. I feel worthless and unwanted. I am intolerable and a tryer of patience. I'm a bad friend, a bad daughter, a bad colleague... I knew all that. You tried to tell me that I'm a loving and loveable person, you almost had me believe it... but your patience wore thin too. A bad client who you want to avoid.

I just want to disappear... Or magically morph into someone else. Someone loving and loveable. Like you.

What I wrote either we've already went over or I mortified you once again, sorry. I hope you have another 90 min slot for me given this whole stability thing is really getting to me. It's currently a love-hate relationship, teach me how to keep it but don't make me work on anything else. Now that I am stable you scare my more then ever.

I don't understand why people love their therapists and need them so much, because my feelings about you have never been anything but hesitant. At worst, I hate you. At best, I feel vaguely mistrustful and can't decide whether I think you can handle it if I tell you the truth about the way I feel about anything.

Right now I'm pissed because you offered to loan me In One Person weeks ago and you forgot. I knew you would forget when you offered, which is why I hesitated to say yes and of course you forgot. **** you.

I know it is irrational to be this angry over something so stupid. You can't remember that book, you can't remember that I told you that my dad was violent with my mom, you can't remember the five or six times you have told me the ****ing handwashing story. **** you **** you **** you. Thanks for proving how much I don't matter.

Dear T2,

Today you get to hear everything that was messed up about last week's session and why. Let's see if you can get it...I wonder if I trusted you too soon.

Dear T1,

Wed. you can explain to me why you never emailed me back...and you'll have a lame excuse. I was asking you to forewarn me if I was stepping in dog**** because I thought I was overreacting, but I wasn't...now what? What do I do? I can't get away from it...

Dear Ex-T,

God I miss you...every single thing I do I want to tell you about. I want to tell you about J and what I just did (you would be so proud because you thought I never would do it!) and only you can really understand it. I hate knowing you are so close on Tuesdays and seeing your car...will I ever accidentally bump into you?

Dear T,

I wish we could have our usual session today but you've got a funeral to go too. I will be thinking of you today. Partly because I don't like to think of you being sad and also because I miss you. I'm always so scared you'll die. Please don't.

TR

I am wasting everyones time. There is nothing wrong with me. I am just lazy and stupid and do not want to deal with anything. You can not fix lazy and stupid.

It would help if you actually called me. Hearing your voice would help me more than an email. It would also help with me trusting you again.

I'm being pulled down again. That invisible thing that pulls me down, it's back. And it's probably because I ran out of medication and have been too ****ing lazy to get more. Stupid biochemistry.

I don't really feel like telling you any of this, though, because it's really ****ing boring. I'm boring. I'm so bored with myself! Also, I want to die. That's never a good sign, is it? I pissy with my kids, full of contempt for my husband.

And late for work, apparently.

Hey T...
I feel like crap. My family is angry at me for not getting better. They yell and always ask "Where is this going to go? WHEN will you be ok?"
Well, excuse me my dear family, but I DON'T ****ING KNOW WHEN! If I give you a date, like 30 Feb 2043, will you leave me the hell alone?

I need time, T, and they don't give me a ****ing second. I can't push a button and be ok...
I'm a loser, T. A depressed, bulimic, pathetic little loser. Sorry I've been wasting your time and energy. I'm sorry. I'm so ****ing sorry for even breathing on this planet.

I know it is kind of stupid that I wish I could see and talk to you today but I do. ill never tell you this though because I know I shouldn't

Dear T,

I didn't tell you any of the things I wanted to tell you today.