[ScrewedUpMe]

Hi all,

I am so fed up right now. I know I only recently posted about the issue of T not replying anymore to my emails and seeming to have changed the rules. I am so frustrated tonight as again I have had no reply at all to an email. I sent it on Thursday afternoon and haven't had any reply. I saw a recent post about office hours and T's only being available during office hours. Well T works Thursdays and anyway always used to reply to my mails within 2 days at the most with some reassuring words. Now it doesn't happen anymore and I am so so upset by it. It makes me want to cancel next week's appointment now as I feel she doesn't care about me anymore and I feel like I don't want to see her as I am so hurt about it. I fear bringing it up with her because I feel she might take it as me complaining that she isn't replying to my emails and therefore intruding on her life which I would never want to do. I just don't understand what has happened that she doesn't reply anymore. Or if she does it will be Monday or Tuesday which is not much use since my appointment is on Wednesday and I am probably over whatever was going on last Thursday.

Sorry for keep going on about the same thing, I'm just gutted.

Have you asked her why she doesn't reply to your emails anymore? I don't think its because she doesn't care, maybe she is trying to contain some boundaries or simply just she would rather talk about it in session. Does your t actually do email therapy?

[Perna]

I would chalk it up to being a weekend when no one is working and not hold it up to my T if she did not reply until the weekday. I work with a person in England and that's 5 hours different in time so when I am just getting started in the afternoon, she is "finished" for the day and I have to wait. Too, she does not work on weekends (who does?) so now I am working away on interesting things and wanting to know what she thinks but I'll have to wait until tomorrow

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by ScrewedUpMe

Well T works Thursdays and anyway always used to reply to my mails within 2 days at the most with some reassuring words. I fear bringing it up with her because I feel she might take it as me complaining that she isn't replying to my emails and therefore intruding on her life which I would never want to do.

Does she usually reply with the same reassurance? Maybe she is trying to help you grow by not giving you that reassurance? When i was in residential, one of the biggest things most people were guilty of was reassurance seeking... and the therapists were very aware of that and therefore did not give reassurance, as a way for the patient to learn self coping and self soothing techniques. just a thought...

if it really is bothering you, i would bring it up to her. i don't think she will think of it as intrusion on her personal life. she probably has a good explanation for why she isn't replying: maybe a personal issue, busy schedule, etc. i think you should talk to her about it before you assume things and get angry and hurt.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Maybe she is trying to help you grow by not giving you that reassurance? When i was in residential, one of the biggest things most people were guilty of was reassurance seeking... and the therapists were very aware of that and therefore did not give reassurance, as a way for the patient to learn self coping and self soothing techniques.

Did this work?

(((((((SUM))))))))))
I know that this is painful and anxiety-producing. Keep posting!

[ultramar]

Maybe she feels that you are, at this stage in therapy and in life, better able to tolerate not receiving such reassurance between sessions (and tolerate certainly doesn't mean easy). Reassurance can be necessary during some stages in therapy, but at some point I think one of the goals is for the patient to be able hold onto the comforting feelings from therapy when the therapist is not present (either in person or via e-mail). Though I think if she is instituting this change, it would have been better to discuss it with you first. It's hard to tell, though, if she's doing this 'on purpose' or not. Either way, I don't think there's anything punitive going on here, though it may seem like it.

I think also that in some cases (certainly not all) receiving reassurance whenever it is sought (instead of say, only in certain situations, crises, etc.) can be counterproductive --this is where I think need versus want needs to be explored in therapy, what will best help long-term versus short-term. Receiving replies to every e-mail of course will make you feel better in the short-term (though the comfort may be short-lived), but there are long-term goals to be considered -basically what miswimmy pointed out, amongst other things.

I think the more you e-mail her and she doesn't reply, the more hurt you will feel. I know it's hard, but I really think you need to bring this up with her. I doubt your therapist will be surprised or punitive about your feelings, they are perfectly understandable. But this will just continue as is if you do not bring it up and explore it in therapy.

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

Did this work?

Now that u bring it up, for some yes, and for some no... I believe that it is up to the individual and where they are in treatment... Which determines their level of being ready to handle it. It was just something that popped into my head... But I agree it doesn't work for everyone.

[ScrewedUpMe]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Have you asked her why she doesn't reply to your emails anymore? I don't think its because she doesn't care, maybe she is trying to contain some boundaries or simply just she would rather talk about it in session. Does your t actually do email therapy?

Thanks Mona. I haven't asked her no, because I don't want her to take it the wrong way and think I am nagging her. I also very stupid and needy She doesn't do email therapy as such but has always replied with understanding and showing that she cares. I never expected that in the beginning but she always did that anyway.

[ScrewedUpMe]

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

Does she usually reply with the same reassurance? Maybe she is trying to help you grow by not giving you that reassurance? When i was in residential, one of the biggest things most people were guilty of was reassurance seeking... and the therapists were very aware of that and therefore did not give reassurance, as a way for the patient to learn self coping and self soothing techniques. just a thought...

if it really is bothering you, i would bring it up to her. i don't think she will think of it as intrusion on her personal life. she probably has a good explanation for why she isn't replying: maybe a personal issue, busy schedule, etc. i think you should talk to her about it before you assume things and get angry and hurt.

Thanks for your reply Miswimmy. I thought that too, that maybe she is trying to make me a bit stronger or less needy and start to deal with things on my own. I would have understood this and tried my best if she had told me. That's the problem, she isn't great at communicating changes.

[ScrewedUpMe]

Originally Posted by ultramar

Maybe she feels that you are, at this stage in therapy and in life, better able to tolerate not receiving such reassurance between sessions (and tolerate certainly doesn't mean easy). Reassurance can be necessary during some stages in therapy, but at some point I think one of the goals is for the patient to be able hold onto the comforting feelings from therapy when the therapist is not present (either in person or via e-mail). Though I think if she is instituting this change, it would have been better to discuss it with you first. It's hard to tell, though, if she's doing this 'on purpose' or not. Either way, I don't think there's anything punitive going on here, though it may seem like it.

I think also that in some cases (certainly not all) receiving reassurance whenever it is sought (instead of say, only in certain situations, crises, etc.) can be counterproductive --this is where I think need versus want needs to be explored in therapy, what will best help long-term versus short-term. Receiving replies to every e-mail of course will make you feel better in the short-term (though the comfort may be short-lived), but there are long-term goals to be considered -basically what miswimmy pointed out, amongst other things.

I think the more you e-mail her and she doesn't reply, the more hurt you will feel. I know it's hard, but I really think you need to bring this up with her. I doubt your therapist will be surprised or punitive about your feelings, they are perfectly understandable. But this will just continue as is if you do not bring it up and explore it in therapy.

Thank you. I appreciate the response and that does make alot of sense. But you are exactly right when you say she should have discussed it with me if she wanted to do things differently. I am now left feeling I did something wrong to make her stop replying. I don't even mind if she would prefer not to do that if she thinks it's better for me or I am stronger now, but she needs to tell me!

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by ScrewedUpMe

Thank you. I appreciate the response and that does make alot of sense. But you are exactly right when you say she should have discussed it with me if she wanted to do things differently. I am now left feeling I did something wrong to make her stop replying. I don't even mind if she would prefer not to do that if she thinks it's better for me or I am stronger now, but she needs to tell me!

I know it feels as though she should bring it up before making a change (if it's purposeful), but I'm not sure that's necessarily for the best. It isn't just about rules and boundaries, but also about changing things up maybe to provoke a reaction that she believes needs to be explored. It is a kind of manipulation, to be sure, but for a good purpose.

To take a page from Stopdog's book, they are wily creatures.

[~EnlightenMe~]

When I posted on this thread earlier, I forgot to add that I think that the OP would best be served if the T had been forthcoming about any kind of manipulative techniques being used. I suppose that increasing distress tolerance is a worthy goal, or finding out how/why one reacts as they do. I suppose it goes back to therapy being safe but not too safe.

If the patient ends up overcoming a problem or increasing his/her distress tolerance, all the better. I worry about T's being wiley because it might interfere with trust issues. Also, maybe it is me an my trust issues, but I have a hard time thinking of my T using a technique that causes me massive distress, to a point where it isn't therapeutical, and me not really being able to do anything about it at the time. I have difficulty with the Machiavellian tenet that the ends justify the means. I am not rigid on this concept, and I think it would be a good discussion, maybe in another thread.

SUM, I hope you are doing okay!!

[ScrewedUpMe]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

When I posted on this thread earlier, I forgot to add that I think that the OP would best be served if the T had been forthcoming about any kind of manipulative techniques being used. I suppose that increasing distress tolerance is a worthy goal, or finding out how/why one reacts as they do. I suppose it goes back to therapy being safe but not too safe.

If the patient ends up overcoming a problem or increasing his/her distress tolerance, all the better. I worry about T's being wiley because it might interfere with trust issues. Also, maybe it is me an my trust issues, but I have a hard time thinking of my T using a technique that causes me massive distress, to a point where it isn't therapeutical, and me not really being able to do anything about it at the time. I have difficulty with the Machiavellian tenet that the ends justify the means. I am not rigid on this concept, and I think it would be a good discussion, maybe in another thread.

SUM, I hope you are doing okay!!

Thanks Antimatter I really appreciate your reply. You are spot on. I am not at all in agreement of things being 'done for my own good' without me being informed because being someone with BPD, I have massive trust issues and don't deal well with loose boundaries. I need to know what is happening and why at all times. And in any case, I really don't think T is doing this for a particular reason i.e to teach me something. I don't mean that she has any bad intention, but I genuinely think she is sometimes a bit slack and has 'forgotten' to reply to my email (she has now had 3 working days to at least acknowledge it!). And this isn't the first time recently. If I bring it up, I'm sure she will say she didn't want to upset me etc. etc and that she had stuff going on. But she used to always reply and even told me she had stuff going on at the time. It doesn't make sense to me. I feel she is less committed in general as she doesn't seem to remember what was in my emails sometimes. And in my last mail a few weeks ago, I asked her right at the beginning if it was still okay to email and she did not answer that at all in her response. So now I am really feeling like I have done something wrong and I feel so stupid and pathetic for sending my stupid emails! At first I was hurt and disappointed, now I am just damn angry with her and am on the verge of cancelling Wednesday's appointment!

[WikidPissah]

I wish your t had explained email policies with you. It would have really kept this from getting out of control.

BUT...perhaps you are doing the email overload thing? And your t is thinking I just can't keep responding to every email, it isn't helping her? You really won't know the answer unless you ask.

[nicoleflynn]

You aren't stupid....and we are all....needy. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply are. I think it is important to tell her your feelings. After all, therapy is about expressing your feelings, etc. She needs to let you know what her rules are.

[ScrewedUpMe]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I wish your t had explained email policies with you. It would have really kept this from getting out of control.

BUT...perhaps you are doing the email overload thing? And your t is thinking I just can't keep responding to every email, it isn't helping her? You really won't know the answer unless you ask.

Thanks. I don't feel I am or have ever overdone the email thing...At one point in the past I may have sent one email per week for maybe a month and then nothing for several weeks. But now, since T moved four months ago and I started seeing her every fortnight, I have probably sent about 4 emails in all that time. And I don't think I have had a 'normal' (in terms of what has become the norm with her) response once. I am even feeling like I begrudge paying her to talk about this at the next session!