[wotchermuggle]

How do you do it? Got the tough love speech from my T today and trying to find the way through. Any thoughts appreciated.

I don't know... I just know I personally don't do well with the 'tough love' approach...! Hope you're feeling okay

[granite1]

(((hugs))) what was the tough love speach about. it sounds hard to hear

I've never heard a tough love speech either, and if I have I haven't recognised it. But hugs to you anyway.

[rainbow8]

I'm not sure what your tough love speech was about, but whatever it was, the way to get through it is different for each of us. Can you say more about what changes she is talking about?

For me, it's hearing over and over again how therapy is about me, not her, and how she's not my friend or my mother, and how I can't hold her hand anymore, shouldn't email, and how I need to live my life. Hard for me to digest all that. It's tough love for me.

How I'm getting through it. First I cry a lot, then I realize that my T is right, and then I make plans that have nothing to do with therapy. I take one day at a time, and focus on that, not the future. Then I cry some more, but a little less this time.

Change is hard, so baby steps are important.

For me, it's hearing that I somehow get something from being self abusive. That I am not necessarily doing it because it is habit but because it serves some purpose. I am getting through it with some rage, angry, and resentment, with a little fury thrown in, in between trying to actually think about it and figure out what purpose it serves in my life and how to change it.

I do not mind the tough love stuff. It would have been years probably before I was able to address it on my own and I have no desire to be in therapy that long. I don't mind him pointing things out to me that I need to change in order to be healthy.

[CantExplain]

It takes time to change, and in my case I made the big changes as a series of small ones.

[mixedup_emotions]

The tough love approach does not work well with me, although I'm sure we all have different views on what is considered tough love.

I know that when my T addresses me in a forceful way, I don't receive it well. When he is more gentle, I am more able to receive the intended message. When we butt heads, it's helpful for him to be direct with his feelings behind it so that we can work through it in an open and honest way.

It's important to recognize how you feel as a result of what your T is doing, and perhaps addressing that can lead to something worthwhile.

Both my T and my pdoc have had to get "tough" with me on occasion. I think of it more as "direct" or "firm" though I guess. I can be my own worst enemy at times, and their directness has at times been truly life saving. I don't like it at the time, but in retrospect I know they were doing what needed to be done at the time. Generally they are gentle individuals, but they are NOT afraid to fight for me if that is what needs to happen. Thank God for that.

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by granite1

(((hugs))) what was the tough love speach about. it sounds hard to hear

It was about taking steps to keep moving forward in my life. I know this is really general, but I don't know if I should be more detailed.

It's the type that is hard to hear because you feel like they are probably right but you're super scared/not completely convinced you can make those changes.

I challenged the "tough love" by being honest. I guess I'm just a putz for not moving forward fast enough. T would disagree with that, but that's how it feels.

[Poppy Princess]

I don't a T has ever done that with me. My T's usually understand that I hate them though.