Not in a good place....

I'm having a bad day after having so many good days. I feel low and depressed. I'm taking my meds and exercised today. I guess it all comes down to my feelings.

I thought I had things under control and the feeling for my T seemed to go away. In reality I wish my T could be my friend IRL. I see therapy ending sooner than later as I'm getting better. I envision my T not being there for me and it scares me. I feel so pathetic for having that want and having those feelings because I know it will never be. She will be another person that I attach to and in the end can never really be there IRL.

Feeling so alone and depressed like a loser. I will even feel more like a loser for telling T what I'm feeling. Feeling pathetic. Sigh.

Sounds like you did a number on yourself, getting to worrying about when therapy might end and what it will/will not be like, your getting better, etc. and so grabbed hold of a security blanket?

Feelings don't "go away" anymore than they can "get stuffed" Feelings can be helpful, like dreams, to tell you want is going on with you in relation to your life and other people. If you have a recurring dream, it is a good bet that there's a message from your unconscious to you that you aren't paying attention to? Pay attention, and the need for that message/the recurring dream goes away?

I had to do the work, toward the end of therapy, to not get ahead of myself, to not anticipate what was going to happen next week, month, session after next, etc.; you are doing certain work now and that's what you need to concentrate on, any other worries/speculative thought when you are in 10th grade about, "OMG, I have to graduate high school in only 2 years!" is no different that a nasty day dream, the daytime equivalent to a nightmare. Focus on the problems, right now, what you are working on, right now, and you won't have to worry, you'll be too engaged in doing what needs doing right in front of you.

There's nothing wrong with you for having a nightmare or day mare (thinking "old" thoughts you thought you had dealt with). They are there to help you but in and of themselves, they aren't "true". There are no literal monsters in the closet, it's symbolism for something else.

I understand what you are saying, Geez. For me, it is a very strange feeling to not need my T the way I did five years ago. I am happy for my healing, and I would not want to go back to the place I was where I was very sick; but I almost "miss" needed T the way I did in those days. So the very good days all in a row can lead to a bad day if I let myself think too much.

You've had good days recently and you'll have more good days soon.

When I started climbing out of depression, I got mood swings like those you describe. It took a while to realise that this was an improvement.

I feel that way too about my T. I was in a really bad place at the very beginning and I was almost obsessive about my thoughts of T. Feeling completely lost in between sessions. As I grew I outgrew those feelings. Most of the time I feel like an adult when it comes to T. I see her by happenstance in spin as we are signed up for the same class. We chat on occasion in class but it's not like I'm talking to T the therapist. I'm talking to T the real person when she isn't working but she does notice things in class about my reactions to other people and we talk about it in therapy so it is a benefit. Now that I'm over a really dark chapter and feeling better overall (even though I'm in a bad moment/day today) I think ahead and start to feel worse. The feelings of missing her with not wanting to miss her with feeling abandoned and ashamed - an all too familiar feeling from my childhood. I know it's my child part that's feeling this but it's embarrassing as hell. I want to tell my T that I wish we could be friends outside of therapy and I want her to say "yes we can be friends after you terminate therapy for a couple years". I know however in reality that we can't be friends. She wouldn't allow that no matter how much we have in common. Sigh.