[rainbow8]

It started out bad because the A/C in T's building never has worked well, and it was warmish in her office. I don't know how people can stand it! For 3 years it's been like this. It doesn't bother my T, but it bothers me. She turned on her little fan for me.

I asked her about emailing and she said that it's better for our work if I don't email, but she doesn't think about it too much, and it's not "wrong" if I do. But then I had to screw it up by talking about what I emailed, and saying that I wanted it to have an effect on her. Then she said that's why emails aren't good, that I spend a lot of the session talking about them. She said I could write it down instead. So, I felt invalidated and thought to myself about when I could email all I wanted and how she would answer all of them. I couldn't stop myself from telling her some things about the 2 weeks but then we still had plenty of time left.

I got frustrated talking about my house and T telling my that I COULD go buy bookshelves, for example, without my H going with me and having his input. That was an example because I said " I hate my house!!" The clutter. I feel like I can't do it myself, and can't hire people, so we argued about that.

All this time I wasn't feeling anything for her. I can't win, it seems. I told her how I felt last session, and she agreed that it's baby stuff, not sexual. I told her the best part of therapy was holding her hand, but I could still feel it even though I'm not doing it. So she asked if I wanted to do the visualization with me being in my mother's womb. I could only do it for 3 minutes. That's supposed to change my neural pathways and calm me down in my life.

I just felt out-of-sorts. When I feel too much for her, I feel good, but embarrassed. When I don't feel anything, like today, I feel blah. I said "we're not connected and it's like I don't have anything to do with you." Then I said "that's black and white thinking" to which she agreed.

I was upset when she had to move the fan so she could see the clock.I was upset because I felt I couldn't ask if she went anywhere on her week off. I am upset because the connections in my real life are better than my connection with her! THAT sentence should make me happy but it makes me so sad.She doesn't really CARE about what I emailed her.

I really think I wasted my whole session.Why can't I get it straight once and for all that she's only my T? Over and over, I try to change that. Over and over, even though I didn't miss her, I still don't "get it". I feel SO disconnected from her. I still can't get used to her without glasses. I told her that.I said it feels like I'm leaving her already. I can't get the icons to work. I feel so sad and hurt, like my T is nothing to me anymore, and I'm nothing to her.

The hug was almost non-existent. She asked me if I was sick. She could TELL I wasn't. It just annoyed me. I was in a good mood before therapy and in a lousy one afterward. I know I'm frustrated about my H and the house situation. She said "what will he do if you hire someone to help throw things out? Or if I do it? So let him go through the garbage." Then she said something like "you seem powerless and it bothers you, but you decided not to leave him, so you're going to be like this if you don't do something." Not her exact words, though.I feel so yukky because the connection with T is disappearing. I can feel it. I don't want that to happen.

[boredporcupine]

So, that was the 100% negative version of your session. Let me write the 100% positive one for you, and then maybe the truth can be somewhere in the middle:

"It was so nice of my T to turn on a fan for me today in my session. She is so considerate to me. I'm glad that she has now set limits with me about emails which are for my own good, but she didn't get harsh about them, which was really nice of her.

My T is great at encouraging me to do things for myself, even when I believe I can't. It's caring that she has set limits about physical contact, but offers to do visualizations with me to help me calm down. I felt like I couldn't ask her where she went on her week off. Actually, I could have asked her, but it's not that important because therapy is about me, not her.

I am still learning to regulate my feelings about my T. Sometimes I feel nothing towards her and sometimes my feelings feel overwhelming. But one good thing is that I realized my real life connections are just as meaningful if not more. I am so lucky to have people in my real life who care about me, even though I sometimes struggle to feel that way. Also it was good that T moved the fan so she could see the clock, so that she could keep track of the time and make sure we could wrap things up well instead of ending in a rush.

It's great that my T got contacts and no longer has to wear glasses. I am still learning to adjust to it, though.

T is so caring to have hugged me and asked if I was sick. Even though sometimes I can't feel the connection with her very much, I know she is still there and cares about me."

[rainbow8]

bp: Thank you very much for taking the time to write all that for me.Oh, good. I can get the icons now. It makes me feel that you care about me, too. You're right but it's hard to see it. For some reason, I'm crying now. Therapy is bittersweet for me because it's so hard to give up my "dreams". My T is trying to help me but it just hurts an awful lot, especially knowing it's going to end.

It hurts to realize that I can't use her to tell all the everyday happenings to. When I do, I waste too much time in my session. But if I can't email it, I want to tell her. It really triggers me when I realize she's not interested in all of my daily life. Only my Mom was. I've told her that before but I can't get past the fact that my T is not a substitute for my Mom. I never had a sister, and there's no one who wants to hear everything. I can't even email her when it hurts. I have to be an adult. Maybe I should try the visualization of being in the womb again, since T says it will build new neural pathways. Even if I don't totally believe it, maybe it will work. It can't hurt.

[boredporcupine]

My T is trying to help me but it just hurts an awful lot, especially knowing it's going to end.

I know, it sucks.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Therapy is bittersweet for me because it's so hard to give up my "dreams".

((Rainbow))

Yes, it is hard to give up dreams.

But I think some of your dreams are holding you back.

[sweepy62]

So sorry you didn't feel connected to your t today I get that way sometimes then I have to wait another two weeks to see her

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

It hurts to realize that I can't use her to tell all the everyday happenings to. When I do, I waste too much time in my session. But if I can't email it, I want to tell her. It really triggers me when I realize she's not interested in all of my daily life. Only my Mom was. I never had a sister, and there's no one who wants to hear everything. I can't even email her when it hurts. I have to be an adult. Maybe I should try the visualization of being in the womb again.

I know it feels hard now, but think about how lucky you were to have had a mom who wanted to hear about your daily life! Most people never had that, either as an adult or as a child. For some, entering therapy was the first time they've ever felt listened to. Often, T is a substitute for what we never had. But you had your actual mom listening (at least listening "good enough"). So, in some ways, you're already a step ahead. And, while I know you want to tell your T everything, I think it's good that you're realizing that isn't what therapy is for. T is not just a receptacle for you to fill with endless information. That won't help you. Therapy is about working on the specific issues that are holding you back and preventing you from living your RL to its fullest. T has already helped you identify what a lot of these issues are, and she has encouraged you to take back some of your power around these issues. You can clean your house; you can buy shelves; you can work on your marriage or choose to leave; you can travel; you can "insert here." As hard or impossible as it may seem, these are things within your control and your T is trying to help you work on these, rather than use her (or an image of her) to fill your thoughts so that you don't have to deal with them. She's trying to help you work on this by (finally) being a little more solid about the e-mail boundary and encouraging you to find an outlet for your thoughts/feelings other than her. So, use this opportunity to share more of those details with your H, your friends, or other people in your RL. And listen to the details of their lives. Give someone else the opportunity to share their details with you. It can feel really good to be able to give that gift to someone else. I know it may seem "unfair" or counter-intuitive, but when you feel you're lacking something, giving that thing to someone else actually helps fill up our own void. Whenever I wish I had a mom or someone to be there for me, I go and pick-up the little 9-year-old girl I mentor and I do something nice for her. It makes me feel better to give that to her so, when she's 28, she won't have to say "I've never had anyone do that for me." Maybe, for you, listening to your H or listening to a friend would help you feel less upset about not having T there to listen to all of your details. And, it will get your mind off of T and help shift focus to your RL; win-win.

I also think it's worth noting that you seemed to be happier and better able to make progress in your RL during your (2 weeks?) off from T. Now that you've had your first session back, it seems the old feelings are rushing back. Does having a break from T help you? Do you feel more "in your life" when you don't see T that week?

[rainbow8]

Thank you, scorpiosis. Yes, my Mom may have made mistakes by not encouraging me to be independent, but she was always interested in my life. I've "used" all my Ts as a replacement for her, but they always, always disappoint me. The baby/child parts finally got to be present and tell my T what they needed, and she gave some of that to me, but now I can't use her for that anymore. I wish I could have told her where that hurt, when I was in my session, but I couldn't identify the source of my pain. Now it's clearer but it has to wait until next week.

I took a friend to the emergency room a couple of days ago and stayed 6 hours with her. I had to bring her back again, and told her "I love you." That was very hard for me to say, but she appreciated it very much. She had surgery and is fine now. I feel good that I gave up my time for her; there was no one else to help her. So I get what you mean.

Yes, my T is trying to get me to take action instead of feeling immobilized. It's very hard for me.

She took one week off so I only missed one session but it was the first time I was totally fine and didn't think about her. I enjoyed my "free day" by staying home, not getting dressed until late, and not getting stressed at all! I was proud of myself but it didn't take any effort.

I had a lot going on in my RL and that helped me. I focused on those experiences. Going back and being with my T triggered the feelings of disappointment that she's not who I want. I want the intensity but when I get it, it's not good for me. I told her I couldn't think of another word for "attraction" to her because it's not sexual. I think it IS attraction, like being attracted to a magnet. But it's pathetic when I feel that way. Today was probably the way it should be--more normal, but then I feel miserably disappointed. I have to focus on the SE and what we're doing to help me but it's very hard though others may not understand why it is.

[CantExplain]

You're headed in the right direction. Things will get better.

[Wren_]

(((rain))) I'm not sure I understand the difference in whether you email and then talk about something; or bring it into the session and talk about it there? either way ... your T and the things you were experiencing and wrote about the other day were still going to be on your mind

I'm sorry you are in such a hard place now with all of this ... that sense of the old cliche of being between a rock and a hard place comes to mind. I know you really want things to change but making those changes is difficult -- and then you also want your T to be the comforting, caring, friendly relationship as well and that seems to be unattainable ... and you are stuck in the middle and keep being pulled apart.

I don't think you wasted the session, although I can understand it feeling that way ... maybe it feels wasted though because you didn't get an outcome out of it that would have felt a lot nicer?

[1stepatatime]

Hey, Rainbow
I could be way off with this but I'm going to put it out there.... after reading your post I was thinking that maybe this is you transitioning, preparing for therapy with your T to be over. It feels to me like you are separating yourself from your T little by little. Sometimes it doesn't feel so good and causes some inner turmoil for you....but you always seem to recognize all of the good things about your T. I dunno...these are my thoughts. I wish you all the best and continued growth and much happiness.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

You're headed in the right direction. Things will get better.

Thank you. I sure hope you're right!

Originally Posted by tigergirl

(((rain))) I'm not sure I understand the difference in whether you email and then talk about something; or bring it into the session and talk about it there? either way ... your T and the things you were experiencing and wrote about the other day were still going to be on your mind

I'm sorry you are in such a hard place now with all of this ... that sense of the old cliche of being between a rock and a hard place comes to mind. I know you really want things to change but making those changes is difficult -- and then you also want your T to be the comforting, caring, friendly relationship as well and that seems to be unattainable ... and you are stuck in the middle and keep being pulled apart.

I don't think you wasted the session, although I can understand it feeling that way ... maybe it feels wasted though because you didn't get an outcome out of it that would have felt a lot nicer?

Thank you, tigergirl. I'm not sure I know the difference either. I used to want my T to know my feelings before the next session. She never asked me about what I emailed, so often it never got talked about unless I brought it up. I haven't emailed her except for these two times that she or I HAD to correspond about scheduling. I wasn't strong enough to stop myself. I haven't emailed any other time since we made the rule.

Maybe it wasn't so much about the lack of connection, but about the issues. All difficult ones: my H, the house, my grandson's surgery, fears, separation, giving up what I liked with my T. All of that plus my feeling of not being connected to her. Why do you think the session wasn't wasted? I only did SE for a few minutes, though I answered T's questions about what I felt inside my body when she asked.

Originally Posted by 1stepatatime

Hey, Rainbow
I could be way off with this but I'm going to put it out there.... after reading your post I was thinking that maybe this is you transitioning, preparing for therapy with your T to be over. It feels to me like you are separating yourself from your T little by little. Sometimes it doesn't feel so good and causes some inner turmoil for you....but you always seem to recognize all of the good things about your T. I dunno...these are my thoughts. I wish you all the best and continued growth and much happiness.

Thanks, 1step. You know that I'm planning to terminate therapy by December or possibly March, don't you? So, you're right. I'm preparing for it now, and I don't like it. I don't want to separate but I have to, for a few reasons. Inability to separate has been my main issue, so I suppose my turmoil is to be expected.

[peaches100]

Hi Rainbow,

Many, many hugs to you, my friend. . .

I know you're at a hard stage in your therapy, and I want to support you as you go through it. I've known you for a long time, and I care about you very much!

First of all, I'm sorry that your session left you feeling frustrated, angry, and sad. I understand how hard it is to leave the session feeling all of those negative feelings, yet not being able to express them via email to your t. It's awfully hard not to email when feelings are intense! I'm working on the same thing. Sometimes I fail, and sometimes I manage to get myself through the week with coping skills until I see my t again. You have done really well in managing tough feelings between sessions. I'm glad you are posting here. Hopefully, that might make it a bit easier for you to wait. At least you know that we are hearing how you feel.

BP made a good point. The session was actually good AND bad, meaning that some things went well and felt good for you, but some things didn't go well, and you felt bad. This is normal. Both you and I have a problem with getting so upset over the things that go badly/wrong/not the way we want them to, that we then can ONLY see what went wrong, and we can ONLY feel the bad feelings. But this is our problem with "black and white thinking."

We need to open our minds to the whole situation that unfolded, not just the parts that upset us. Also, it's often our interpretation of an event that makes us feel either good or bad. BP's post showed me that. So even though your session upset you alot, also force yourself to see what went right, and then let yourself feel good about it. Since you struggle so much with sad and painful feelings, allow yourself to see and feel the good. You deserve to feel good about what IS right in your therapy and in your life!

Another thing you might reconsider is whether or not your t cares about you, just because she doesn't want to hear every detail of your life. Does that really mean she doesn't care? You have friends that you care about, but are you always interested in hearing every single detail of their life? When you think about it, it's not even possible to hear and know everything there is to know about someone.

I think your t cares about you very, very much! But she realizes that when you start telling her all the details about your week, you can get on a roll. Then, the two of you don't have enough time to pinpoint the most important aspects, and focus on them during the session. 90 minutes isn't enough time to cover everything. I think your t is just trying to help you filter out the less important things from the more things that merit attention in the session. It's not that she isn't interested in your life, or that it's not all important. But the therapy hour is limited.

I also see your t enforcing the email limit, not to push you away, but to also encourage you to bring the "hard stuff" to your therapy session. Isn't it true that sometimes when you need to tell her the more difficult, embarrasing, or scary things, that you do it in email? I think she would much rather have you not email, and instead, bring up those tough topics in the session face to face-- instead of emailing the tough topics and then filling the therapy hour with the less important, more mundane issues instead. I could be wrong, but it's something for you to think about.

In thinking about the way your mom treated you compared to the experiences you have with others you have looked to as mother figures, it's understandable that you keep feeling disappointed. You were used to getting a great deal of attention from your mom. Since you lived together, she had the time to listen to all of the specifics of your day, and all of your feelings you wanted to share. It must hurt not to have that much concentrated attention and care today! It can make you feel lonely, like nobody loves or cares enough about who you are and how you feel. I get that, I really do.

I'm so sorry that it hasn't worked for you to try to replicate the relationship you had with your mom with someone else now that she is gone. Our situations are somewhat different. I never had what you did with your mom. But the effects are similar: you miss what you had and lost, and I miss what I never had. Either way, it creates an emotional hole and a painful need. I don't know that there is any way around this pain, which is like grief! We both need to grieve that loss, and then learn other ways to fill those painful emotional needs.

I think it's important for us to realize, though, that even though our t's can't be everything we want them to be, they CAN and DO help fill some of those unmet needs. I'm sure that even when you stop therapy, you will remember many of the things your t said and did, and they will live on in your mind and heart. In that way, a part of her WILL always be with you (as she said, you will have "internalized" her). And, who knows, maybe she will still allow occasional contact, such as an email or phone call once or twice a year. It may not be goodbye completely or forever.

I would encourage you to keep doing the visualizations of being a baby in your mom's womb, whether it's in session or when you are at home. If you can practice this, and bring up the associated warm feelings you recall from feeling so cared about, it will soothe you. If you can internalize the feeling of comfort by remembering how much she cared about you, it's a way that she can also be "with you," even though she has passed away.

There's so much more I could say, and I hope I don't sound dogmatic or like I'm "the expert" who is telling you what to do. Far from it!! But I relate so much to your struggles, really understand how hard this is for you, and hope that by writing all of this, it will help BOTH of us in our journey toward being more healed and more whole.

Hang in there, Rainbow! I think you've made great strides, even though you still struggle with transference feelings. Some of those feelings might stay with us, even after therapy is over. It might be one thing we have to just radically accept, and find ways to soothe ourselves when those needy feelings hit. But we can learn ways to meet our needs, and other people can help do it too. There just can't be ONE PERSON who can be everything to us. We know that, we just need to keep working with the feelings.

I know it has been hard for you to access feelings about losing your mom. But I would encourage to you discuss this subject with your t, and together decide whether this might be a topic you should work on more during your time together. To the extent that you can work through those feelings of loss from the past, it might make those painful needy feelings to have a mom in the present lessen.

Warm thoughts always,
Peaches

[Perna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I feel so yukky because the connection with T is disappearing. I can feel it. I don't want that to happen.

My T once pointed out something that seemed so obvious/mundane but has had a positive effect on my life. She said, "No one likes to clean bathrooms".

Connection with another cannot happen through email because the two people are not together; feeling connected when you read or write an email is based on one's own fantasy thoughts about the person, not a result of being with the person in real-time. Connection also probably isn't going to happen when discussing trash and clutter I can see my husband's eyes glaze over in my mind and I haven't even said anything? Why, if my husband, to whom I have an excellent connection/understanding does not feel good/connected discussing trash and clutter, should I expect T to?

When you are with your T, you need to discuss whatever is on your heart, not try to find out what's on T's heart, not love/hate your house (don't think your house cares?), not grouse about your husband's peccadilloes but you talk about you. At some point near the end of your therapy with T, you'll be sharing how frustrated/angry/sad you feel right then with her. I guarantee she'll care, it will feel awesome and you'll leave the session on a high that won't go away.

[skysblue]

[QUOTE=rainbow8;3173914)

...there's no one who wants to hear everything. [/QUOTE]

I believe we seek connection in the world. We seek love and companionship. But we also need to be able to be comfortable in ourselves and to find peace in solitude.

Do you have 'connection' with your friends? Are you interested in their lives? Do you listen to them? And are they interested in your life? Is there a good balance of sharing?

Close and deep friendship can be a key to a fulfilling life. But it's not easy finding true friendship. I think it takes a bit of work and also patience.

I'd spent many years feeling lonely and envious of the stories of women's friendships. I think I may have put out vibes of aloofness or disinterest although those weren't my true feelings.

Since beginning therapy my friendships have blossomed and deepened. And because of that, my need for my T has lessened. And, I don't have daily contact with friends and so detailed account of my days is usually not shared but a strong sense of connection IS felt and that is completely satisfying.

Rainbow - try to nurture your RL friendships and you may be surprised how healing and helpful that is towards gaining some real peace.

[rainbow8]

Peaches, when I copied your post and tried to answer it, I lost my answer so I'll just answer without copying it. I hope that's okay with you. Thank you for writing such a detailed, supportive post to me.

Yes, it helps to be able to write my feelings on PC since I can't email them. I've done all right with no emailing until I HAD to email for rescheduling my appointment. I couldn't resist my urges those two times.

Later on in your reply you wrote that you think my T doesn't want me to email because she'd rather I talk about the hard things in person. That's not true in my case. She doesn't want me to email (and I agree with her) because it reinforces my belief that she and I are more than T and client. I often see us as contemporaries, and I'm actually a lot older than she is, so that adds to the confusion. In some ways, I know more than she does, and I've had more years of therapy than she's had years of training! Our relationship has seemed more casual than with any of my other Ts.

So, combined with the transference where I do see her as a mother figure, emailing fuels my fantasies, as it's been told to me in the past. My T doesn't use those words, but she said "for the work we're doing, emailing isn't good for you." I know the work we're doing is for me NOT to think our relationship is anything other than professional. That's hard when she used to encourage me to email photos of my grandchildren or other scenic photos I've taken. I think I saw as my T and also a sort of friend. That's why it hurts so much now to know that's not true. I have to view her as a professional. It's very painful. I know there's a middle ground but it's hard for me not to go beyond the middle over to the wrong side!

I didn't mean to write all that but I feel better now that I did.

About my Mom. Though she was there for me, something was wrong in our relationship or I wouldn't have the problems I did, and still do. My needs were not totally met as an infant, and I didn't feel totally safe to confide in my mother as a child. I couldn't venture out and become independent either. My feelings were all bottled up inside of me. I did not share my feelings with my mother. I shared experiences, but not feelings.

I am always sure that my T cares about me, and I do know that she can't listen to everything I have to say. No one can. I still want to write a book because then I can write it all out and if anyone wants to read it they can, or if they don't, they don't have to. My T doesn't have to hear all the details, and you're right, I don't want to hear everyone else's details, either.

Yes, I will try to do that visualization again, at home. When I talked about wanting to be with my T, or "take her with me", as I told her, she brought up that visualization, so I did it. I don't know why I fight doing what she suggests. I think I want her to validate the transference instead of switching it to my mother.

Yes, I am starting to internalize my T so she doesn't have to be with me all the time. Not that she ever was there all the time. I don't shut down when I talk about my mother now, so there's progress in that area. In most of my other therapies, I never wanted to talk about her, or about her death.

Thank you, Peaches, for your continued support and for your post. I truly hope that it has helped you also. We're going to get through this!! I know we are.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Perna

My T once pointed out something that seemed so obvious/mundane but has had a positive effect on my life. She said, "No one likes to clean bathrooms".

Connection with another cannot happen through email because the two people are not together; feeling connected when you read or write an email is based on one's own fantasy thoughts about the person, not a result of being with the person in real-time. Connection also probably isn't going to happen when discussing trash and clutter I can see my husband's eyes glaze over in my mind and I haven't even said anything? Why, if my husband, to whom I have an excellent connection/understanding does not feel good/connected discussing trash and clutter, should I expect T to?

When you are with your T, you need to discuss whatever is on your heart, not try to find out what's on T's heart, not love/hate your house (don't think your house cares?), not grouse about your husband's peccadilloes but you talk about you. At some point near the end of your therapy with T, you'll be sharing how frustrated/angry/sad you feel right then with her. I guarantee she'll care, it will feel awesome and you'll leave the session on a high that won't go away.

I have to respectfully disagree with you, Perna. What is in my heart is about the clutter because it's about me, and my inability to get my needs met by my H. It's about my inability to be independent and stand up for myself. It's about the child who couldn't tell the teacher she had to go to the bathroom, or tell her brother to "stop it". It's about choices of what to do when I'm unhappy in my real life. It's VERY important.

I usually tell my T how I feel in the moment. She always asks me that many times in the session.

I do agree with you about emails. They are one-sided and do not foster any connection unless the other person emails back. Even then, and especially with therapy, the connection is best worked on in the session. Also, when my T states that I want to stay in my marriage, as I've told her, there is a connection because I know the choice she made. The clutter in my house is a big deal for me. I said "maybe it's not the house I hate, maybe it's my H. But that's because the clutter means I'm not important, which isn't true, because he has a problem, and I'm realizing more and more, that he does.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by skysblue

I believe we seek connection in the world. We seek love and companionship. But we also need to be able to be comfortable in ourselves and to find peace in solitude.

Do you have 'connection' with your friends? Are you interested in their lives? Do you listen to them? And are they interested in your life? Is there a good balance of sharing?

Close and deep friendship can be a key to a fulfilling life. But it's not easy finding true friendship. I think it takes a bit of work and also patience.

I'd spent many years feeling lonely and envious of the stories of women's friendships. I think I may have put out vibes of aloofness or disinterest although those weren't my true feelings.

Since beginning therapy my friendships have blossomed and deepened. And because of that, my need for my T has lessened. And, I don't have daily contact with friends and so detailed account of my days is usually not shared but a strong sense of connection IS felt and that is completely satisfying.

Rainbow - try to nurture your RL friendships and you may be surprised how healing and helpful that is towards gaining some real peace.

I do have a couple of very good friends, skysblue, so I do know how important women's friendships are. I have to work on listening to my friends more, and not "dumping" my stuff on them all of the time. I care deeply for them and I do try to make it equal sharing. Thank you for your suggestions and your support. I appreciate it!

[ultramar]

I've done all right with no emailing until I HAD to email for rescheduling my appointment.

I thought you e-mailed her a few days ago about your H's flu? Are you referring to since then?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by ultramar

I've done all right with no emailing until I HAD to email for rescheduling my appointment.

I thought you e-mailed her a few days ago about your H's flu? Are you referring to since then?

I emailed her once to change my appointment, two weeks ago, and I wrote a few lines about my feelings for her from the session that day, in the same email. After she wrote back with my new appointment day and time, I had to confirm it, and I emailed what I thought she would have written if she could, about my feelings. I only added more when I already had to email her.

When SHE emailed me saying she couldn't find the email about the appointment change, I emailed back with the information, and in that same email I wrote about my week. It really wasn't about my H's flu; that was one sentence in the middle of a few paragraphs!

Since my appointment yesterday, I haven't emailed. I haven't initiated any emails other than the one about scheduling. I won't email just to email, but if she has to change an appointment, which is unusual, I'd be tempted to add some more to my response. But if that happens again, I'll try very hard to control myself!

[pbutton]

Not sure if this applies to you or not, but since I have anxiety too, I thought it may be worth considering. Feel free to take it or leave it.

I find that I often get frustrated with my therapy when I'm in a place where I need to make a change, rather than keep 'complaining' about the same thing. Eventually there's a point where talking about a problem isn't going to solve anything. Instead I have to take some sort of action. Like the house/clutter issue. Or marriage stuff.

T and I have noted that my defense mechanism to avoid making the change is to focus on some "crappy" aspect of my therapy, or to get really anxious about smaller things.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, pbutton. That might apply to me. I have to think about it.

ultramar: What I meant to say in that long-winded reply I gave you was that I haven't emailed my T "just to email" for about 6 weeks, so I'm doing well with the new rule. It was just too tempting to write more when I needed to do it for scheduling. I hope that's clearer.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by pbutton

Not sure if this applies to you or not, but since I have anxiety too, I thought it may be worth considering. Feel free to take it or leave it.

I find that I often get frustrated with my therapy when I'm in a place where I need to make a change, rather than keep 'complaining' about the same thing. Eventually there's a point where talking about a problem isn't going to solve anything. Instead I have to take some sort of action. Like the house/clutter issue. Or marriage stuff.

T and I have noted that my defense mechanism to avoid making the change is to focus on some "crappy" aspect of my therapy, or to get really anxious about smaller things.

I thought about it and posted in the Dear T thread. My T has this tone of voice when she says "but you don't want to leave him..." I think she wonders why in the world I stay with him, or if I made that decision, why do I keep complaining. Then she tells me how I can hire someone to help clean the house and the basement, and I tell her "I can't". So she is probably understandably frustrated with me.

This is a huge problem but my H makes me think it's MY fault. He's not going to go for couples counseling. We tried some of that and it doesn't help. He blames everything on my complaining and "being in love" with my Ts. But he just says about his hoarding/collecting/inability to throw things out that "I have a problem", but doesn't want to do anything about it. He doesn't answer about physical intimacy even when I ask him to please talk to the dr. about it. He's fine with the status quo of everything. I'm not. So maybe you're right. T triggers me with her advice and tone of voice. I feel very stuck. Add that on to having to separate from her. Plus my grandson's surgery next week. I just have to breathe and stop posting so much personal stuff. It helps to get this out and be heard, though.

[granite1]

why not just call her office for schedualing issues instead of e-mail if i is to tempting to e-mail more

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by granite1

why not just call her office for schedualing issues instead of e-mail if i is to tempting to e-mail more

She discourages me from calling her and does everything via email. She emailed me when she had to confirm, but I can ask her if she'll make an exception and let me do it by phone. Thanks!