Hugs from your therapist-how they heal

I'm an ugly person so I'll have to build wealth to receive affection at this point or maybe wealth will hug me instead.
Sorry if I sound jaded.
I have sought comfort and love my whole life. Still empty.
I'm an ugly person and I know it. I feel disqualified for lpve, comfort or healing.
God doesn't even love me enough to touch me.
Wealth is the only chance I have now but don't think I wont be ready to answer the affection that attracts itself to wealth when it comes...
Where were you when I needed you?

When I was 6 years old I tried to show my mother how to show love. I gave her a kiss and hug every night for awhile. Then I stopped and looked to see if she would remember. She didn't and that was very painful. That was my last try. She was a very abusive mother. Recently, in the last 5 years I had been seeing a therapist through work. I could see her once a month but was only suppose to see her for problems of a short term nature. Not long term therapy. She was under increasing pressure to justify why she was still seeing me and not referring me. We would hug at the end of the sessions. Something I started. One time I was in a hurry to get out of the room (feeling uncomfortably vulnerable). She stopped me and reached out her arms for a hug. I'm really glad that happened because that showed me she needed it too.

She referred me to another place and even though I didn't want to leave I was willing to give it a try. I didn't have a choice anyways. This new therapist doesn't readily give out hugs. I asked her if I could give her a hug a few times and I could see she was thinking about it. She has every right to say yes or no. After a few times I decided to not ask for a hug anymore. If the point is to develop an intimate attachment to bring out the unhealthy problems then this second therapist is not a good one for me. It's not good to be reacting in the beginning when you are suppose to be developing trust.

I personally think that hugs are an essential part of Therapy right now and can't see why any Therapist wouldn't want to give them out.

This is one therapist's explanation.
I don't particularly like her or agree with her approach most of the time, but she at least explains in a fashion.
On hugging, touching and acting out | Jung At Heart

What I think they standard policy should be is that the Therapist should never try to initiate a hug (out of concern for how their patient will react) but if their patient asks for a hug then they should hug back, basically the patient is in command (as what should be).

Thanks for posting this.
Here is my response to that opinion...
That widely held opinion sounds subject to future change by some other opinion that may come along 20 years from now.
It's like a long term experiment without the patients knowledge or consent.
Don't breastfeed your kids. It's bad.
society is still ****ed up from that one.
By the time her opinion changes, the damage from her opinion will linger on in those who have unresolved hurt because instinctively emotional pain brings need of comfort.
What makes suffering more bearable...comfort or going without.
If it is a cycle they worry about...what about the cyclical behavior of the therapist that denies reinforcing building self esteem by way of saying that the patient is worthy of comfort.
How can that possibly be a positive message to a patient whp feel unworthy?
I say the need for a hug is a great way to see that the patient has come to the point of wanting to be done working on an issue. It should be recognized as such that they need time to move further and it is not up to the therapist to push them along allowing that need to go unmet.
I think a therapist should percieve this as a good thing and give or offer the hug without the patient initiating and challenge the patient to pay it forward to someone outside therapy in the hopes of helping the patient establish more emotional connections outside the setting of therapy.
The therapist can view this as giving the patient what the world needs.
The therapist who wrote that piece is doing harm because she doesnt know how to use the need for a hug as something to motivate outside therapy.
It's a cop out.
What an unemotionally detached, intellectualized piece of crap.

I used to think that. I'm not so sure anymore.

My ex-T who didn't hug any of his patients and I once talked about it, because at the time I had never been hugged by a T and had no understanding of why hugging WOULD occur. I phrased it as, "Well, my dermatologist wouldn't hug me when I go see him?!" and he said "Exactly." That might sound cold, and I posted earlier about how my two current Ts do hug me; however, I don't think they are better than my ex-T. We actually had the best connection, and he was a great therapist for me. I just think his boundaries were different, and that was okay with me.

There aren't transference with a dermatologist anymore than there is with your local grocer.
Both are providing needs essential to good health but I wouldn't hug them.
There is a vulnerability differential between the two.
You arent regressrd with yout grocer or your dermatologist.
You are, however, trying to heal a hurt child in therapy.
How can anyone resist comforting a suffering child?
Ya know?
The dynamics couldn't be more different.

Maybe he felt vulnerable as a T if he were to hug his clients? I can only speculate, but I felt like it was his choice to do so or not as a T...and his boundaries were always very clear, which I appreciated. I felt very supported and comforted by him in other ways (verbally) and didn't find a hug to be necessary. I realize that not all people would feel this way, however.
And I never felt like a "hurt child" in there...more like a hurt adult. Maybe because we never got a chance to deal much with my childhood before I stopped seeing him.

I guess I just see anyone not willing to comfort a child as emotionally crippled.

What if the APA or similar organizations deemed that hugs were actually essential to good therapy and instituted a rule that said all therapists should hug their clients as a part of the therapeutic process.
I wonder how many therapists would claim to be germophobic.I wonder how many of them would change professions.

There is really no comparison from say your Dermatologist or Dentist and your Therapist. I don't see a Dermatologist but I can say that with my Dentist for example I only see the person a few times a year (twice for checkups plus additional times if work needs to be done such as fillings) all for routine things, a Dentist has a routine procedure for cleaning, fillings, ect. that he/she does that is basically the same for all patients, in fact I don't even think my dentist knows that I even have any special conditions because it is not relevant to their line of work with me. With my Therapist it is completely different, I meet with my Therapist once a week for close to an a hour at a time discussing things that are very personal to myself and relate directly with me so there is a one-on-one relationship there that isn't there with someone like my Dentist. Think of it this way, I don't see how a hug from your Dentist is going to help the pain from a filling or root canal go away any sooner but I think that a hug from your Therapist can help heal emotional pain a lot quicker.

My ex-T was not "emotionally crippled"...he would not have been able to be as empathetic during our sessions if he were. I also would never have been able to connect with him were he so disconnected from me and the therapeutic process.

And what happens if the APA said Ts should not touch their clients at all? That seems even more likely than your example, based on the incidences where Ts have crossed the line and violated a client's trust.

Don't see how your germophobic example relates to this example at all. It's not like he was afraid of connecting with people in other ways. It was his choice as a therapist not to hug clients, and I respected him for it.

I don't want the therapist to hug me. I want the therapist to stay as far away as she can from me and still be able to hear me. I trust the dentist more than the therapist. Therapy is the one thing I am more stressed going to the therapist than I do the dentist. And I hate dentistry.

Hmm, well I am not against hugs in therapy on principle, and I have indeed hugged my own therapist. However, if I became a T myself (and I will, provided I get into school), I would be very careful about who I hugged, how and when.

The reason I would be careful about hugs is that even when the client is craving the comfort of a hug, for some people at some times, getting a hug from a T could be destabilizing. For example, shortly after I started seeing my former T, I asked for a hug and she gave it without a second thought. Unfortunately, I partly credit the hugs from her for creating an attachment and transference situation which was too powerful for me to handle at the time. When we had a rupture due to some miscommunication, because of the intensity of the relationship, I became destructive towards myself and I considered hospitalization because I was so unstable. I wound up having to switch T's, which was extremely painful at the time, and while it all turned out well in the end, I'm really not sure the hugs were worth it. When I started seeing my current T, I didn't even shake her hand for months and months because I was so wary of the feelings it could set off in me. I finally did hug her but only after a long time, when I felt ready.

Anyway, my only point in this is that depending on your client's background, hugs could be more destabilizing than they are healing, at least in the beginning. For some, it could intensify erotic transference and give them the wrong idea about the nature of the relationship. And although dependence in therapy is not a bad thing, in some cases I think that giving *too much* physical comfort could slow therapy down as the client focuses on being comforted to avoid facing things that are difficult, or to avoid learning self-soothing skills. So I think it's a question of knowing your client and finding a way to give the level of comfort and connection that they can take in, in a way that is least destabilizing.

I agree that it depends on the client. My T has observed that I often seem to want to be hugged or have him hold my hand near the end of a session, like I'm trying to find ways to hold onto him until next time.

Last session, I asked him to hold my hand and he did, but with his hand underneath mine. I burst into tears and said: "I want my hand to be underneath!" It seemed to come from a very young place. My T said it made sense - I think the point was about feeling held and contained by him. I wanted my hand to be held and contained by his. All of this - our interactions in the here and now - seems to bring out some telling stuff.

I still see each as being health care professionals; I just don't think that's a very popular opinion to have.
And I posted earlier that my two current Ts hug me, and I don't find it particularly helpful. I just let them because they seem to think its part of their job and feel better when they do. My ex-T and I had the best overall connection and that was most therapeutic, even though he never hugged me. But, to each his own. I realize I am the minority on this.

Thank you so much. I really could identify with much of what you said. I think hugs encouraged my dependence which then ended very badly. My current T and I don't hug, but we have developed some very meaningful rituals which I think meet similar needs without the dependence. This is a topic that fascinates me. I LOVED the hugs. I think it helped me to feel. And I think it also encouraged dependence on hugs and ignored learning self-soothing. I don't know the answer, except that I know that all Ts that don't hug aren't emotionally crippled, and all Ts that do hug aren't necessarily great Ts.

ADDED BY EDIT: I also don't think all clients know if a hug will be a good or bad thing for them - I didn't. I still don't.
I think this can be ameliorated by talking about the hugs- what do they mean? how do they feel? what's going on?

I think this would be the same for me. I crave the hugs but it would bring a whole load more that i'd struggle to handle.
But how can a therapist know what way it will turn out?

and that's your own personal opinion and you are entitled to it, but I think that if someone else wants a hug from their Therapist then they should be entitled to one, like I said earlier the patient should be in command on if they get a hug or not.

So you think a client should order their T to hug them??? A T defines the boundaries he or she is comfortable with as a part of their professional identity. A client should not be in charge of those; that messes up the whole client/T relationship.

And that might be why my ex-T chose not to as a blanket policy...I think he thought it was safer for everyone to have this boundary in place.

That's the thing...they CAN'T know ahead of time, and that is why many err on the side of "caution" and don't hug at all.

I think if I were a T, I first of all wouldn't offer a hug unless it was asked for, although I would offer other things like a stuffed animal to hold or comfy blanket. If I was asked for a hug, I would give one if the client was long-term and I knew them to be stable and otherwise comfortable with intimacy. Otherwise I would be having a longer conversation in which we would imagine the hug happening and discuss the feelings and needs around it. If they didn't seem totally ready, then we would look for an alternative to help meet the need behind the hug while being somewhat less intense than an actual hug.

All of this is our own personal opinion.

I don't think a client is entitled to hugging from another person nor be in command of what another person must physically engage in. Does a client also get to command how the other person hugs if they don't like the one offered? Or how long the hug happens? Or the frequency of the hug? Or if the client is sick (contagious with colds, etc)? Or if the therapist complies but is uncomfortable with it and the client then feels bad about not getting the sort they desired?
I would not want a therapist ordering me to hug them. Or a client or a student. I don't like hugging random people. I am not all that keen on hugging loved ones, let alone clients.
I don't find anything wrong if both parties are comfortable hugging, but if a client wants hugging then I think the better approach is to interview therapists to find one who does not mind hugging.

I think it really depends on the client and judgement on the T's part. Some clients might need it to thrive....some just can not handle being touched......for some it might be a learning moment. T's might have issues of their own they deal with and hugging might be triggering to them. I think if my T asked to hug me and I accepted it might be a sign I actually trust him. If I do not accept it then he has a lot more work to get me to trust him. I will not ask for a hug.......even if I need him to. I need him to initiate it but I know he has OCD because he told me- sooo I am not sure if he has an issue with touching other people.