[cka87]

So today was just a weird session for me. T was asking questions I didn't have answers for and I was feeling very ashamed, like super ashamed, scared , anxious, inferior and most of all guilty for wasting both of our time. I couldn't even express this though- I just sat on the couch mumbling and throwing out a few "I don't knows" every once in a while. Anyway, at some point T started clearly mirroring my body language. Like I had been doing a few nervous, fidgety but unique habits and she started doing the exact same things! She was so obvious I nearly yelled at her "what the hell are you doing that for!" But I didn't. So now I just feel confused and sad for wasting a whole session where I just couldn't get any words out, then Ts weird behavior ? What just happened to me.

[CantExplain]

((cka))

Has your T told you that it is OK not to have the answers?

As for T mirroring, since you are aware of it you might as well point it out.

[Fuzzybear]

[cka87]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

((cka))

Has your T told you that it is OK not to have the answers?

As for T mirroring, since you are aware of it you might as well point it out.

Well so at the beginning of session I refused to answer a question that made me uncomfortable so when I answered "I don't know." She said something like "no no no you can't say I don't know here ". Then I explained to her I wasn't refusing to answer, I just didn't have an answer and she seemed to understand after that. Just can't help but feel like I failed therapy today

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by cka87

Well so at the beginning of session I refused to answer a question that made me uncomfortable so when I answered "I don't know." She said something like "no no no you can't say I don't know here ". Then I explained to her I wasn't refusing to answer, I just didn't have an answer and she seemed to understand after that. Just can't help but feel like I failed therapy today

See I think it's ok not to answer a question that makes you uncomfortable or that you're not ready for. I think that's one way you can control the intensity, pace and triggeriness (!) of therapy. Also many of us need a place to practice saying no. I think it verges on bullying to tell you that you can't say "I don't know" here. When you're ready, if your therapist has created a safe enough environment and a secure enough connection, you'll get to the things that were previously too hard too talk about. I think discussing something traumatic for eg in an environment where you don't feel safe defeats the purpose of therapy. It's likely to retraumatize you.

Originally Posted by cka87

Well so at the beginning of session I refused to answer a question that made me uncomfortable so when I answered "I don't know." She said something like "no no no you can't say I don't know here ". Then I explained to her I wasn't refusing to answer, I just didn't have an answer and she seemed to understand after that. Just can't help but feel like I failed therapy today

"I don't know" used to be my default answer in therapy. My T generally doesn't accept it as an answer from me either. In my case, as my T explained, I have spent decades suppressing my own thinking and feelings as a protective measure, that "I don't know" only keeps me stuck in that spot. He challenges me to break down that defense mechanism and say something -- anything -- without sensoring myself (which I began to see the "I don't knows" were all about even though I didn't realize it at first).

Over time, the "I don't knows" grew less frequent as I began to allow myself permission to actually verbalize what I had been suppressing for so long. It took trusting my T and myself enough to risk saying something that I wasn't sure of or wasn't completely comfortable with. Scary step to take, but that is where progress really started.

[Asiablue]

I use " i don't know" when i don't want to reveal what i'm thinking or feeling or when i don't want to think about what i'm being asked and occasionally when i genuinely don't know. I'm not sure my T has worked out the " i don't know" is an avoidant tactic.

I think most of the time we really do know but don't feel comfortable saying or feeling what we are being asked.

[cka87]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

"I don't know" used to be my default answer in therapy. My T generally doesn't accept it as an answer from me either. In my case, as my T explained, I have spent decades suppressing my own thinking and feelings as a protective measure, that "I don't know" only keeps me stuck in that spot. He challenges me to break down that defense mechanism and say something -- anything -- without sensoring myself (which I began to see the "I don't knows" were all about even though I didn't realize it at first).

Over time, the "I don't knows" grew less frequent as I began to allow myself permission to actually verbalize what I had been suppressing for so long. It took trusting my T and myself enough to risk saying something that I wasn't sure of or wasn't completely comfortable with. Scary step to take, but that is where progress really started.

To be honest I have always told my T flat out when I'm avoiding vs don't know the answer. But I agree there's more to it than just "I don't know" I know something, some answer. It is a super scary step to take...to say certain things out loud, things you wouldnt even let yourself think aboutt. I don't know (haha) I just had a rough time of it yesterday and its like my brain was against me and determined to just sit there in a fog. But why was she copying all my moves?? I feel so weirded out by it. Like I'm supposed to trust this stranger what was she doing , I don't want to be messed with. For lack of a better word

I've never been aware of any of my T's "mirroring" me, but apparently it is a technique some therapists use. I don't know much about it, but I think it would creep me out too. Why don't you ask about it so your T can explain why she was doing that?

[stopdog]

I usually say I am not going to answer rather than I don't know unless I really don't know. And then that is what I say. Sometimes a person really does not know just off the top. I don't think it is always avoiding something. There are times when I will say I don't know but will think about it. Or even that I don't know and don't care unless the therapist wants to explain how it would be useful to me so that I might decide it could be useful to think about it.

[FeelTheBurn]

Yeah, the physical mirroring is a technique some T's use to help them attune to your emotional state. Sort of a way to align to your energy. That sounds kinda flaky when I put it that way, but it's a pretty sound technique to get closer to your state of mind. And yes, it can be disconcerting.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by FeelTheBurn

Yeah, the physical mirroring is a technique some T's use to help them attune to your emotional state. Sort of a way to align to your energy. That sounds kinda flaky when I put it that way, but it's a pretty sound technique to get closer to your state of mind. And yes, it can be disconcerting.

The thing is, salesmen do it too. If someone mirrors you and you don't feel they ought to be that close, it feels insincere and slimy. Anyway, it stops working if you notice them doing it.

[cka87]

Originally Posted by FeelTheBurn

Yeah, the physical mirroring is a technique some T's use to help them attune to your emotional state. Sort of a way to align to your energy. That sounds kinda flaky when I put it that way, but it's a pretty sound technique to get closer to your state of mind. And yes, it can be disconcerting.

okay makes sense now that you explain it. just weirded me out at first. I'm all for her understanding my state of mind though