[twoper]

Hi everyone,

I've lurked for a while but am popping up now to ask some advice.

Last week, my therapist said something that's been bothering me ever since. When I voiced a concern that I would get hit on or harassed in a particular situation, he said, "Well, part of that will have to do with how you present yourself."

To me, this flies in the face of what might be helpful to a woman who fears harassment and has been harassed in the past - while presenting myself in a variety of ways, I might add, none of which were "asking for it."

That is where I'm coming from. I'm planning to bring up the problem this coming week and ask him to explain in more depth what he means by what he said, and why he chose to say that instead of something else. I fear that he's going to respond in a way that indicates he really doesn't have a grasp on the realities of what the world is like for women. We have been working together for 4 months, and it's not the first time he's said something victim-blamey, but it's the first time it's been pretty unambiguous.

He's very helpful in a lot of ways, but I can no longer ignore this aspect of his view on the world. We haven't touched much on my past sexual harassment, gropings, etc. and I would not be comfortable going there at this point - which is not good.

If he is not able to explain himself adequately, I consider that I have three options. 1) Terminate, which was my instinctive response. 2) Try and work through it, even though I won't be able to trust him in this area. 3) Ask to change the type of therapy we're doing to short-term, CBT-type stuff geared toward my immediate isues, such as changing jobs.

Which option would you pick in this situation? I'm trying to find some clarity. Thank you!

[Melody_Bells]

Twoper, I agree with your instincts! There seems to be a lack of sensitivity with how he replied! Unless he has a good explanation, but still, what a strange thing to say. If I were you I wouldn't be able to trust him to understand either. Doesn't he know about your experience with harrassment?

Therapy is where you should be able to talk about anything, an environment of trust, so even if you switch to CBT you may still feel uncomfortable, and censor yourself. I hope you are able to figure out what's in your own best interests. Let us know what you decide/ any updates.

Sounds like you're not sure exactly what he meant, so certainly the first place to start would be to ask him more about it and voice your concerns about what it meant to you. Once you've done that, you'll have a better feel for what he was saying and where to go from there.

[Syra]

His statement would bother me too. I suspect I would consider a 4th option, which I wonder if it isn't open to you or you would have mentioned it - find a new T (I know, it's not easy.

I probably wouldn't continue while focusing on something else. My belief is that the essence of therapy and therapeutic change is in the relationship between the T & cl. The various tools (IFS, CBT, Gestalt, DBT) can be helpful, and enhance the learning, but it's foundation is the relationship - a trust and acceptance of each other. Maybe other people have pulled it off and can comment on that.

[wotchermuggle]

You mentioned that you haven't touched on previous harrassment/gropings so maybe he was coming at it from the angle of how you present yourself as either professional or flirtatious?

I don't think it necessarily HAS to be blaming. Maybe he doesn't understand the context?

Like say a woman goes to a bar. If she is overly flirtatious, chances are that she is going to get hit on, right?

I'm glad you're going to talk to him first. So many things can be misunderstood.

It could be he was addressing assertiveness also, as in our ability to project confidence or lack thereof. Who knows? Until you talk to him about it in some detail, anything we guess is all conjecture. I wouldn't make any decisions based on a guess. Talk to him first. A decision can wait until you have more information from the source.

[Perna]

I would not have as much trouble with what your T said; I think being aware of how others perceive us is very important in our interactions, it's not all about what the other person decides to do that makes one a victim of attack. Unwelcome attention or abuse is not going to happen as much to a self-assured, adult woman, projecting a sense of knowing who she is and what she wants. Acting afraid or "injured" will give any predator; male, female, animal, etc. a sense that one might be easier pickings than a stronger-seeming other?

My T was helpful to me in helping me learn how my past thoughts and actions had contributed to how I was treated by others (not just poorly but well, too; if you are friendly, for example, people will be more open and interested in talking to you whereas when I was too quiet, people often thought I was angry; we have to interact with the environment and let other people know what we would like, what kind of treatment we expect, etc.). Other people cannot read our minds any more than we can read theirs and we have to speak up for ourselves and tell them what we are thinking and feeling so they are not stuck with their own perceptions of us which, if we do not contribute verbally, are inclined to be mostly wrong.

I would be glad to have this opportunity to have a really good conversation with T about what he believes and how he approaches interacting with others (including those looking to abuse/hit on one) and see if I could understand where he is coming from and how it differs from where I'm coming from and what might work better. We cannot know someone is going to choose to hit on us or abuse us so it is not feasible or even possible to "leave" all situations where we think that will happen because our thinking is probably over sensitive. I would like the opportunity to work on my triggers so I did not always feel so threatened, even if it would be hard/painful, rather than keep feeling threatened and having to leave.

[Syra]

I'm rethinking what I said earlier after reading other responses. There is no excuse for harassment, and if T was responding to that, then I still like what I said earlier.

But by my definition of "being hit on," I don't think there's anything wrong with recognizing how a woman presents herself influences whether she is "hit on."

Maybe you have a different definition of "being hit on."

[ECHOES]

Keep talking to him, tell him how his reply made you feel, and put aside the thoughts of retaliation. Give him a chance to expand on what he said, and to defend himself

[Favorite Jeans]

The thing is that even if he meant something else, what he said doesn't reflect much sensitivity for the reality that women are constantly blamed for being targets of harassment, assault and other abuse. And being blamed and held responsible for something like that can be very traumatic, especially if the person doing the blaming is in a position of so much power (like a T).
Let's say in the best of all worlds Twoper's T was merely trying to say that he wants to help her work on her assertiveness skills. He needs to preface that with some statement showing that he has an awareness of and sensitivity to the realities of victim blaming and clarify that his intention is to help her cope better should she encounter harassment in the future. And that he holds the perpetrators responsible for whatever harassment or abuse she has suffered.
Twoper I think you deserve a therapist who gets gender-based violence and doesn't further blame, shame or victimize you. If, in bringing this up with your T he is able to give you ample assurance that he gets you, cares deeply about not blaming and shaming victims and you feel satisfied with that then great. If not, I'm sure it would be possible to find a T who can.

[Syra]

I'm rethinking what I said earlier after reading other responses. There is no excuse for harassment, and if T was responding to that, then I still like what I said earlier.

But by my definition of "being hit on," I don't think there's anything wrong with recognizing how a woman presents herself influences whether she is "hit on." In my definition of "hit on" it's sort of like being approached for a date. It may be from an obnoxious person I would rather than bother with, but it's okay for him to ask, and okay for me to say no without further harassment.

Maybe you have a different definition of "being hit on" and then I might change my mind.

[twoper]

Thanks everyone for all your replies. To clarify, I was talking about dealing with being hit on while out with my little (not-yet-teenage) sister, so that the context would be totally inappropriate for any type of flirtation. I hadn't spent time with her one-on-one, just the two of us out in the world, so we spent the whole session unpacking my concerns about it. Being hit on was one of those concerns. Actually, the concern that I brought up had to do with how to respond to being hit on so as to set a good example for her.

By "hit on," I meant street harassment, basically. I'm hoping that didn't come across clearly - perhaps he thought it was more all-encompassing, the way some of you did.

In my experience - and the experiences of many of my very adult, confident female friends - presenting yourself as disinterested, assertive, non-scantily clad, etc. does not necessarily guarantee that you won't be harassed. It's a common misconception that those things will prevent people from disrespecting you. Sure, how we present ourselves always has an effect on how others interact with us, but I'm really wary about people whose instinctive reaction regarding harassment is to ask "Well, how was she presenting herself?" (Or the more typical one - "What was she wearing?") I feel that those questions come AFTER you've established that you're really more interested in the other factors that go into harassment, and that you blame the perpetrator - not the victim.

As for my history with harassment, I've touched on it briefly in the beginning, and he actually said something similar back then too - something along the lines of "Ultimately it's up to you to set boundaries so that doesn't happen." I should have paid more attention then, but I was in a worse place and more willing to let stuff like that slide.

I think that any therapist working with women should be aware that chances are they've faced harassment of some type, too.

I suppose the only way out of this is for him to have misunderstood what I meant - perhaps thinking that I meant that I was worried about being approached for dates, etc. That certainly wasn't the context, though.

Well, I'll be asking him to clarify - you can bet on that. I appreciate everyone's thoughts.