[Asiablue]

My new T has suggested doing "Limited Reparenting" with me. I have read up on it so know roughly what to expect and know the theory behind it. But i'm interested to hear of people's experiences of it, good and bad.

Right now, i can see why it might work but the concept is quite threatening to me.

[unaluna]

I didn't want to even HEAR the word parenting in relation to me, let alone reparenting. The first time around was such a major fail. I just thought of it as more telling me what to do or what not to do, everything that went wrong before, I can't even list it all. But it hasn't been like that at all. I think the first way I saw it was as having someone in my corner.

[Asiablue]

Thing is, if it is done properly and done well.... i'm sure it is awesome. Trouble is you won't know if the therapist is going to see it to the end or dump you cos you get too needy or take too long to be "reparented" and then you're left right in the *****. That is a big risk to take.

[boredporcupine]

My T never used the term "limited reparenting" as I think that comes from Schema Therapy, but she does refer to work we do as "reparative" or sometimes reparenting. They mean the same thing.

My opinion of it is that parenting is HARD. Reparenting is even HARDER, since you're cleaning up after someone else's mistakes, and the person is now an adult so you have no power to keep them from doing stupid stuff or up and leaving. There is great possibility to horribly screw things up and leave your client worse off than before. But if you have a T that really knows what he/she is doing, AND if you are ready for it, it can be a wonderful, deeply healing experience as it has been for me.

Also, at least for me, reparenting has never included telling me what to do. It consists mainly of modelling how to be supportive and attuned in ways my parents might not have been. Before therapy I never knew what it was like to KNOW someone was there for me in a steady, safe way no matter what.

Edit: So yes, it is a huge risk to take. I won't say don't do it, but I will say DO YOUR VETTING before you get to deep into it.

[stopdog]

I would have to think long and hard before getting into something like that. Good luck with it if you decide to try it.

[unaluna]

Well for instance: last week my gf and I were moving the lounge chairs into the shade. We each took a side of one chair at a time. She kept exclaiming how much lighter the chairs were with 2 people carrying them. I wasn't surprised, but that's because I learned the lesson not too long ago. Maybe she was trying to impress it upon me, idk - I'm pretty dense when it comes to hints! But my point was - this should be how we feel about our family of origin - that they could help us bear a burden. If not, and if we have not learned it from friends, then reparenting could help us learn it from a t. They aren't such scary lessons really.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I would have to think long and hard before getting into something like that. Good luck with it if you decide to try it.

yeah i think i'll have to look into it more, ask a lot of questions, not go blindly into it with a total stranger. (shudder)

[feralkittymom]

While I think I experienced aspects of re-parenting, we never talked about it in those terms. My T's interventions were certainly addressed to those areas where I had a psychological deficit. But we had a Father/daughter dynamic/transference naturally, so the interventions grew from the relationship, rather than as part of a technique within a specific modality. Somehow, it feels different from what you're describing. I'd be interested to hear more of how your T explains it.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

While I think I experienced aspects of re-parenting, we never talked about it in those terms. My T's interventions were certainly addressed to those areas where I had a psychological deficit. But we had a Father/daughter dynamic/transference naturally, so the interventions grew from the relationship, rather than as part of a technique within a specific modality. Somehow, it feels different from what you're describing. I'd be interested to hear more of how your T explains it.

Yeah, she never really explained it, it was just mentioned briefly. I wouldn't allow it as a technique, it would need to be more of an organic thing that grew out of the relationship naturally- providing we end up having that type of relationship, time will tell.

[Littlemeinside]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Yeah, she never really explained it, it was just mentioned briefly. I wouldn't allow it as a technique, it would need to be more of an organic thing that grew out of the relationship naturally- providing we end up having that type of relationship, time will tell.

Limited reparenting is a technique, at least in Schema Therapy. Some clients need firm boundaries, emphatic confrontation and some need a more " soft approach", in the biginning. All depending of what you didn´t get in your childhood. It´s not an " organic thing " if it´s a ST approach". It´s hardcore therapy. I wouldn´t recommend it to my worst enemy. It screwed me up BIG TIME.

[feralkittymom]

Oh--OK, then I really don't think this is what I experienced!

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Littlemeinside

Limited reparenting is a technique, at least in Schema Therapy. Some clients need firm boundaries, emphatic confrontation and some need a more " soft approach", in the biginning. All depending of what you didn´t get in your childhood. It´s not an " organic thing " if it´s a ST approach". It´s hardcore therapy. I wouldn´t recommend it to my worst enemy. It screwed me up BIG TIME.

Wow, okay.... care to elaborate? That has scared me a little.

[Littlemeinside]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Wow, okay.... care to elaborate? That has scared me a little.

Didn´t mean to scare you. This might just be my twisted point of view. If your T is doing Schema Therapy feel free to pm me. Otherwise I am sure reparenting helps alot of people, if it´s done the right way. Research shows it really effective...I just got worse and have to pick up the pieces now.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I wouldn't allow it as a technique, it would need to be more of an organic thing that grew out of the relationship naturally- providing we end up having that type of relationship, time will tell.

The section under Schema Therapy in Wikipedia on "Limited Reparenting" explains it and its techniques pretty well:

Schema Therapy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I skipped imagery and tuned out completely at "flashcards".

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Perna

The section under Schema Therapy in Wikipedia on "Limited Reparenting" explains it and its techniques pretty well:

Schema Therapy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I skipped imagery and tuned out completely at "flashcards".

Thanks Perna that was a good article. It is an interesting concept, not one i'm buying into just yet

[Tarra]

This is a great website on schema therapy Schema Theory

A little hard to navigate though. On the left, "inventories" has tests you can take to work out which negative schema you have. And "slide shows" has a slide show about treatment strategies.

[lrt1978]

I'm starting schema therapy next week, my psychologist was saying that its done through imagery work and chair work. She mentioned when doing imagery work, depending on what the memory/image is she may ask permission to enter the image to provide what is needed. I take it that's a form of reparenting ? As she hasn't mentioned anything about reparenting.

Sorry feel like I have hijacked the thread that wasn't my intention. To be honest not sure what to make of it, it's a lot to take on board and think about.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by lrt1978

I'm starting schema therapy next week, my psychologist was saying that its done through imagery work and chair work. She mentioned when doing imagery work, depending on what the memory/image is she may ask permission to enter the image to provide what is needed. I take it that's a form of reparenting ? As she hasn't mentioned anything about reparenting.

Sorry feel like I have hijacked the thread that wasn't my intention. To be honest not sure what to make of it, it's a lot to take on board and think about.

no you haven't hijacked the thread at all. It's all relevant. Will be interested to hear from you about how it goes!

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Tarra

This is a great website on schema therapy Schema Theory

A little hard to navigate though. On the left, "inventories" has tests you can take to work out which negative schema you have. And "slide shows" has a slide show about treatment strategies.

yeah i saw this site, it is really good but how do you find out what schemas you have?

[ultramar]

I think the importance of the 'organic' part (which is how I've experienced it as well), is getting to know the patient well enough before deciding in any kind of definitive way to relate to the patient in a certain way. For example, I think it would take some time to learn (from the patient and through the relationship) what kinds of needs need to be met (this was mentioned in the article) and as important, how and to what extent.

I guess what kind of scares me about 'techniques' is the possibility (again, my fear) that things might be imposed on me according to pre-conceived ideas/theories without focusing more on what I may need at any given time -to be flexible and have an open mind in this respect. I would be afraid that someone who professes a very specific (and intense) technique might be too wedded to it to be as fully attuned as I would like to me, as a unique person, and how things might evolve and change over time.

But these are fears based on very little information (and no experience with such techniques --though no doubt 'techniques' are used with me, they're just not so explicit).

But maybe it will turn out to be just what you need, or at least some variation on it that would be most suitable for you. I'm interested in knowing what she says about how she plans on going about this --keep us up to date and good luck in your new (and hopefully successful and healing) venture!

[growlycat]

I think that in most psychodynamic therapy, "limited reparenting" is just part of the process. Some T's don't even say they are doing it.

I found it to be comforting. It is a relief to get what you have always needed. 90% is just a safe, reliable person who listens. Which is therapy anyways!

[Tarra]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

yeah i saw this site, it is really good but how do you find out what schemas you have?

Try here (or click on the links at the top of that page if you want a different sort of questionnaire)
And here's the scoring.

Most confusing website design ever.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Tarra

Try here (or click on the links at the top of that page if you want a different sort of questionnaire)
And here's the scoring.

Most confusing website design ever.

Thanks for this Tarra, and yes the web design isn't very good at all!

[boredporcupine]

I realized that I said reparenting could be risky but I never said what I thought the risk was.

The risk has to do with transference and enactments. Plenty of people get those anyway, but when the T is deliberately stepping into the role of parent, it can increase the intensity of the transferential situation. This can bring out a lot of things such as very strong dependent feelings, trauma memories, anger/rage, power struggles, etc. just depending on the individual. Then if the T doesn't know how to handle those, it could cause the therapy to fall apart in possibly dramatic ways. That is a risk of any kind of therapy where there is a close supportive relationship but you might hope with someone who is doing the reparenting deliberately, that they might have more of a clue how to handle what comes up. Still, this clearly isn't always the case...

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by boredporcupine

I realized that I said reparenting could be risky but I never said what I thought the risk was.

The risk has to do with transference and enactments. Plenty of people get those anyway, but when the T is deliberately stepping into the role of parent, it can increase the intensity of the transferential situation. This can bring out a lot of things such as very strong dependent feelings, trauma memories, anger/rage, power struggles, etc. just depending on the individual. Then if the T doesn't know how to handle those, it could cause the therapy to fall apart in possibly dramatic ways. That is a risk of any kind of therapy where there is a close supportive relationship but you might hope with someone who is doing the reparenting deliberately, that they might have more of a clue how to handle what comes up. Still, this clearly isn't always the case...

And that is exactly what the risk is for me. Even ones who are trained in the method aren't guaranteed to do it well. And you can't tell how well or badly it will work until you're smack bang in the middle it all. And the pay offs are huge but so are the dangers. The transferential rage and dependency and trauma memories all surged forward with my exT and i got dumped by her in the end. I do not care to repeat that experience ever again.