[purplemystery]

Has anyone ever had a strong opinion about something, someone, or some event, and then felt stupid (for lack of a better word) after expressing it to your T?

Basically I recently found out something shocking regarding my sister. It's still fresh so I am in the angry, disbelieving stage and I just wanted to rant with my T. This is something that I have never done because I have rarely expressed anger in therapy. She has brought up that I don't allow myself to get angry before, so yesterday I decided to be brave and not censor myself and let her know what I was really thinking. I felt... judged? She understood, but she said something like "people who think this way don't understand that _____." So she didn't directly say "you don't understand_______," but I felt like she thought I was being unaccepting and judgmental for my opinion. And now I just feel embarrassed for telling her what I was really thinking and feel like I shouldn't have. I was very mindful of her choosing her words carefully and being afraid that she would say the wrong thing, so I got angry at her too.

Anyone experience something similar?

Only in relation to things I say about myself. He says my harsh judgments of myself stem from my inability to see X or do X. I would feel judged as well by the phrase your T used.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Only in relation to things I say about myself. He says my harsh judgments of myself stem from my inability to see X or do X. I would feel judged as well by the phrase your T used.

Objectively, maybe it's not bad that she said what she said. Maybe it's no different from your T talking about harsh judgments toward yourself. I guess I was just bothered because I will always look back and question my opinions, and look at the other side of things. That's just who I am. I don't need someone to tell me to do that. At that moment, I just wanted someone to understand why I was so upset. I was just in the emotional phase.

[unaluna]

I know what you're talking about from your other thread, and imo the point is not your sister's beliefs, but how they all betrayed you? Like they expected you to just fall in line without even telling you. I think the boys wanted to trick you and I think they are tricking her. Your sister may be too young or naive to speak up for herself. Your t is assuming a maturity and choice that isnt there. Imo.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by hankster

I know what you're talking about from your other thread, and imo the point is not your sister's beliefs, but how they all betrayed you? Like they expected you to just fall in line without even telling you. I think the boys wanted to trick you and I think they are tricking her. Your sister may be too young or naive to speak up for herself. Your t is assuming a maturity and choice that isnt there. Imo.

Maybe, I really don't know how to view it. Basically, for anyone curious, my sister just got married and I found out at the wedding that she has been in an open relationship for years. I have looked up to her and looked on her relationship with pride- it seemed so healthy compared to my parent's relationship. My brother-in-law secretly dropped this bomb, and I've been very upset and angry with my sister (maybe because my idealization of them as the perfect couple has shattered). I've been judgmental about the whole open relationship concept.

My T was presenting the other side of it and seemed very accepting of my sister's choices. So I feel afraid my anger wasn't justified and I'm embarrassed for showing my T those emotions.

[Leah123]

Anger doesn't need to be justified. Feelings are what they are, valid. That doesn't mean they may not shift over time, or change as we learn more about situations, but I'm sorry you felt judged, and I can see why you would.

Perhaps you can share your post with your therapist. I think it's great progress you would show her your anger, and I do not think she would want you to feel you needed to hide it again for fear of her reaction.

[stopdog]

I am not certain which part you are upset about - that your therapist does not share your disapproval of an open relationship or that you have a different opinion from your therapist.

For me, I would think that if a couple is happy with the choices they make ("we have decided on an open marriage and it makes us both happy") then how is that not a perfect couple? (I actually do not believe in the idea of a perfect couple - but going along with the concept). Is it not possible to have perfect coupledom be that couple deciding what works for them and then having the ability to put that idea into play regardless of whether it fits other's ideas of how a couple should be?

But the other part of this is whether by not having the therapist share your view - is it that you are feeling disappointed that the therapist has a different moral code than you do and what would that mean in the broader sense?

[Perna]

An opinion is about our likes and dislikes so another person's likes and dislikes should not make us angry, anger is about loss and/or hurt, when something is taken from us we get angry and seek to get it back. It sounds to me like there was a couple things going on with your discussion with your T and when things get messy like that for me, I find I accent one thing while my T might be talking about another, etc.

[Nerak67]

My old t used to get on my case anytime I had a moral judgment of something. She was of the belief we should never judge. I had a similar situation to yours. I said something about a friend I was upset with because she was sleeping with a married man and my t started criticizing me for being judgmental. Sounds like you have a similar dynamic. I just ended up never stating a moral opininion about anything.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Anger doesn't need to be justified. Feelings are what they are, valid. That doesn't mean they may not shift over time, or change as we learn more about situations, but I'm sorry you felt judged, and I can see why you would.

Perhaps you can share your post with your therapist. I think it's great progress you would show her your anger, and I do not think she would want you to feel you needed to hide it again for fear of her reaction.

Thank you, I think my feelings will shift after time. Like my T was pointing out to me: they still are the same people, they are still my best friends. They haven't changed. I think I need to talk with my sister (though she doesn't know I know) or her brother-in-law to get more details about what that means for them. So I can understand their relationship from this new perspective. After that happens, I probably will be able to accept it. Thanks for your suggestion, I might mention it to my T, but I'm not sure because I feel really immature for getting mad in the first place.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I am not certain which part you are upset about - that your therapist does not share your disapproval of an open relationship or that you have a different opinion from your therapist.

For me, I would think that if a couple is happy with the choices they make ("we have decided on an open marriage and it makes us both happy") then how is that not a perfect couple? (I actually do not believe in the idea of a perfect couple - but going along with the concept). Is it not possible to have perfect coupledom be that couple deciding what works for them and then having the ability to put that idea into play regardless of whether it fits other's ideas of how a couple should be?

But the other part of this is whether by not having the therapist share your view - is it that you are feeling disappointed that the therapist has a different moral code than you do and what would that mean in the broader sense?

Thanks stopdog, I think what you're saying makes sense. They seem to both be in agreement of this arrangement, and I never suspected anything like this from them because they seem happy together. So who am I to judge this? And that's true, there really is no "perfect" couple. I think I just need to hear my sister's reasoning about this.

But yes, you did hit it spot on about me being upset partially because of my T's reaction. I was having a hard time figuring out why I got mad at her. I'm afraid that she will think less of me for being so judgmental at my sister when she herself isn't judgmental of that sort of thing. I'm starting to think I was thinking about all of this in a cruel way. That's a side of me she hasn't seen. And I care a lot about what she thinks of me.

[tinyrabbit]

To be totally honest, I read your original post and didn't understand why it was up to you. It's your sister's relationship.

I don't think you're immature, but I do think this isn't really about you.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by Perna

An opinion is about our likes and dislikes so another person's likes and dislikes should not make us angry, anger is about loss and/or hurt, when something is taken from us we get angry and seek to get it back. It sounds to me like there was a couple things going on with your discussion with your T and when things get messy like that for me, I find I accent one thing while my T might be talking about another, etc.

That makes sense- I think I have lost this idealization of my sister's relationship. I think I wanted to hold onto this unrealistic image of them because my parents have an abusive relationship, and this was like evidence to me that there is hope. That my sister could still have a healthy life. That's probably why I had such a strong reaction, but I don't know, maybe I didn't actually lose that.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

To be totally honest, I read your original post and didn't understand why it was up to you. It's your sister's relationship.

I don't think you're immature, but I do think this isn't really about you.

Thanks tinyrabbit, you're right, it's not my business. I guess I overreacted about everything.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by purplemystery

Thanks tinyrabbit, you're right, it's not my business. I guess I overreacted about everything.

Sorry, that came out wrong. What I meant was: their relationship isn't about you. You are absolutely entitled to feel whatever you feel, but your T may question it and try to challenge you.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

Sorry, that came out wrong. What I meant was: their relationship isn't about you. You are absolutely entitled to feel whatever you feel, but your T may question it and try to challenge you.

Oh no, you're fine. Yeah, I see now that it's a good thing she did. It's not worth damaging my relationship with my sister over. I felt I wasn't ready to look at it from the other side yet, but I'm starting to see that this isn't as big of a deal as I thought.

[NuckingFutz]

I think it's okay to get mad at your T. Maybe it would be great to express that to her next time you see her.

Putting things in perspective, pointing out how she responded is a good start.

Remember, she is your T, under your employment. Personally, I think you made a great effort and should give yourself a big yahoo for being able to express your anger with your T!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good for you...keep going, don't give up. I'd also keep a journal. I have one just for my anger. It really helps clarify what makes me angry and gives it some closure.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

I think it's okay to get mad at your T. Maybe it would be great to express that to her next time you see her.

Putting things in perspective, pointing out how she responded is a good start.

Remember, she is your T, under your employment. Personally, I think you made a great effort and should give yourself a big yahoo for being able to express your anger with your T!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good for you...keep going, don't give up. I'd also keep a journal. I have one just for my anger. It really helps clarify what makes me angry and gives it some closure.

Thanks NuckingFutz! I will try to talk to her about it! I have a journal too, and I agree that it really helps. I'll probably be writing about that tonight!

[Favorite Jeans]

I think maybe your T missed and opportunity to explore something interesting with you. As I see it the issue isn't so much whether open marriage is okay or not but rather what your sister and her choices and her marriage mean to you. What did it mean for you when they were (in your eyes) the perfect couple? What hopes did it give you about your future? How/why is it important that she be different from your parents? What are your feelings and experiences about monogamy? There are about a million questions in this vein that I think would be more fruitful for therapy than a discussion about the relative merits of somebody else's open marriage. In my opinion.

[A Red Panda]

Maybe your T was trying to separate what was really the issue: the judgemental opinion that open relationships are wrong, that you're holding your sister up in an idolized way, or that you feel lied to.

Are you really upset about the open relationship, or that your sister kept it from you for years?

When I was a kid I discovered what homosexuality was when my brother and I were at the park with our family. We went over a hill to find my aunt and her "friend" and we saw them kissing. So mom had to explain that to us, because it had never shown up in our world. I was angry - not about the fact that my aunt was with another woman... but that I'd been lied to and not trusted. Even as a kid (think I was 7 or 8?) I knew very clearly that I was angry about being lied to.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

I think maybe your T missed and opportunity to explore something interesting with you. As I see it the issue isn't so much whether open marriage is okay or not but rather what your sister and her choices and her marriage mean to you. What did it mean for you when they were (in your eyes) the perfect couple? What hopes did it give you about your future? How/why is it important that she be different from your parents? What are your feelings and experiences about monogamy? There are about a million questions in this vein that I think would be more fruitful for therapy than a discussion about the relative merits of somebody else's open marriage. In my opinion.

Interesting, she didn't really ask anything about what my sister's choices meant to me. I don't think she understood that. Those were all great questions, thanks Favorite Jeans. I will ponder on them myself...

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Maybe your T was trying to separate what was really the issue: the judgemental opinion that open relationships are wrong, that you're holding your sister up in an idolized way, or that you feel lied to.

Are you really upset about the open relationship, or that your sister kept it from you for years?

When I was a kid I discovered what homosexuality was when my brother and I were at the park with our family. We went over a hill to find my aunt and her "friend" and we saw them kissing. So mom had to explain that to us, because it had never shown up in our world. I was angry - not about the fact that my aunt was with another woman... but that I'd been lied to and not trusted. Even as a kid (think I was 7 or 8?) I knew very clearly that I was angry about being lied to.

Thanks for sharing your story. That was perceptive- it does relate to me somewhat. Yeah, I don't think I would have been as upset if I had found out in a different way. My brother-in-law texted it to me and told me not to tell anyone, not even my sister. It isn't the kind of bomb you drop over a text message, and it's really hard not to talk to my sister about it, but to just know this huge secret. I guess the fact that he trusted me more than she did does bother me. I tell her everything, but she has always held back somewhat since she is the older sister.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by Nerak67

My old t used to get on my case anytime I had a moral judgment of something. She was of the belief we should never judge. I had a similar situation to yours. I said something about a friend I was upset with because she was sleeping with a married man and my t started criticizing me for being judgmental. Sounds like you have a similar dynamic. I just ended up never stating a moral opininion about anything.

That's interesting information, thanks! I guess it's good Ts stay true to what they say: they really don't judge people (at least, the good ones). I'm not sure about the criticism being right though. But like someone else said, it can be helpful for our ideas to be challenged.