[growlithing]

I’m sorry for the length of this question and I’m sorry that I’ve been posting a lot recently. I’ve been having a lot of problems recently and I just got another one today. This required class I’m taking is dealing with stuff that I don’t know is safe for me to deal with outside of therapy and I don’t know what to do.

I’m a music student and one of my required classes that I have to take this semester is basically about finding your inner voice in music. Our first class was today and I have about zero confidence that I’m going to be able to handle this at all. The teacher started out by having us take out a sheet of paper and answer a series of super personal questions about our childhood such as “if I’d had a perfect childhood, I would have turned out like ______” and “if it weren’t too late, I’d_____”. Those questions along with others were pretty upsetting for me just to think about, let alone actually answer. It started to trigger memories of my childhood, along with mommy/daddy issues, abandonment issues, made me think about SI, and they made me feel very isolated. I immediately shut everything out to avoid getting at all emotional in front of my peers and I didn’t answer the questions.

He then asked us to share our answers with the class. I started sweating, my heart started racing, my mouth went dry, I started shaking, and my entire mind was screaming at me to run away. Luckily, he didn’t force us to actually share our answers with the class if we refused, but a big part of the grade for the class is in these oral reports we have to do. I looked at some of the prompts and they were all super personal like this. One of them is writing a letter from my 80 year old self to me, saying things that I wished I had done differently in my life. Anyone who has been following my posts knows how I feel about living until 26, let alone 80. Thinking about that prompt overwhelms me to no end before adding the added stress of sharing it in front of the class.

I literally don’t know how I’m going to handle this class. I have to take it in order to graduate, but doing these writing assignments and going to class is going to be insanely triggering and difficult for me. I’m so scared of sharing my feelings with even my T and closest friends and I honestly don’t think I can give an oral report on them. Ever. The teacher is a professional musician with absolutely no psych background. He’s not a T at all and I really don’t know if it is even safe for me to try and work through these assignments without constant help from my T. I only see her twice a week and I have a LOT of other serious issues to discuss with her. I don’t know if I want to spend the entire time working through my struggles pertaining to this class plus she can’t literally be there all the time just to help me do my homework. I will talk about this with my T, but I am at a loss as to what to do with this.

[Willowleaf]

This seems bizarre and I have a degree in music! I wish I had some good advice for you but I suppose you could go and politely ask the objective of the course musically. In similar situations I have refused to take part and said its private. Never giving any reasons or even letting them know its triggering just that I wasn't happy sharing private details in a situation like this. Since no one has any idea have have problems I always got away with it with people presuming I was either attention seeking by not doing it or just a bit wierd! Both preferable than them knowing the truth! If you are more open you could try a quiet word with your tutor, but I think a good approach may be to ask more about the musical objectives. Good luck with this and let us know how you

[tinyrabbit]

First off, you don't need to apologise for posting or for how much you write. Secondly, I'm not surprised you found that triggering. Is there definitely no way you can get out of it? If I remember rightly your T is part of your school, any way you could discuss this together? And/or does this teacher seem like someone you could maybe approach outside of class to discuss these issues?

If you're stuck in the class, I find myself wondering if it might help to focus just on music when you consider these things. So, for example, you could say: "If it weren't too late, I'd learn to play such-and-such instrument."

With the letter from your 80-year-old self, I suppose the thing to remember is that you're making it up, so you don't have to think of it as being about you - if it helps you, you could invent a character and write a letter from their 80-year-old self instead of yours. Again, maybe keep it on the subject of music (though I don't get what writing this kind of piece has to do with music, but anyway). Maybe you could invent an outlandish story about someone who runs away to play violin in a circus and then goes to prison for stealing a piano.

That's kind of a silly example, but my point is: if you just need to get through the class any way you can, maybe the answer is just to make things up. You could create a character in your head and write from their point of view, not yours. When you approach these questions, think about them, not you. It's not ideal, as you won't work on finding your own inner musical voice, but frankly I don't see how any of this is going to help you do that anyway...

[unaluna]

He sounds like a t-wannabee. One, is it too late to switch this class for another? Take it when you're less vulnerable and or have the answers to some of these questions? Otherwise, I wouldn't look at it as homework as much as part of your voyage as a musician. I'm not sure how much I want to look at my process (I say that as a comedian) - what if your angst is part of what makes your music soulful? So maybe it's not that you have to "solve" these questions and come up with happy answers, which would be my take. What you've written here may be enough eg "80? Are you kidding? I may not make it to 26!" That is YOUR personal answer.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

First off, you don't need to apologise for posting or for how much you write. Secondly, I'm not surprised you found that triggering. Is there definitely no way you can get out of it? If I remember rightly your T is part of your school, any way you could discuss this together? And/or does this teacher seem like someone you could maybe approach outside of class to discuss these issues?

If you're stuck in the class, I find myself wondering if it might help to focus just on music when you consider these things. So, for example, you could say: "If it weren't too late, I'd learn to play such-and-such instrument."

With the letter from your 80-year-old self, I suppose the thing to remember is that you're making it up, so you don't have to think of it as being about you - if it helps you, you could invent a character and write a letter from their 80-year-old self instead of yours. Again, maybe keep it on the subject of music (though I don't get what writing this kind of piece has to do with music, but anyway). Maybe you could invent an outlandish story about someone who runs away to play violin in a circus and then goes to prison for stealing a piano.

That's kind of a silly example, but my point is: if you just need to get through the class any way you can, maybe the answer is just to make things up. You could create a character in your head and write from their point of view, not yours. When you approach these questions, think about them, not you. It's not ideal, as you won't work on finding your own inner musical voice, but frankly I don't see how any of this is going to help you do that anyway...

The teacher isn't just a teacher or a tutor. He's actually a highly established orchestral musician. He's a really nice guy, but I don't want him to think that I'm at all crazy or weird because he has a TON of connections. Yes, my T is through the school and I will bring this up with her in my session today to come up with a plan for this. It's just annoying because I have a long list of things that need to be addressed with her like yesterday and now I have this to add on to that.

Obviously, I'm going to end up lying about a lot of it. I don't think I'd lie and say I'd rather play a different instrument though because for whatever reason that feels like I'm betraying myself. I guess I could say if it weren't too late, I would have approached my training differently or something.

The problem is that I was triggered just by hearing him read off these questions without me even answering them. He didn't have us turn our answers in or anything for them and I was still sweating so much. I could try to imagine myself as a character, but I don't know if that will prevent me from being negatively impacted by the questions.

Originally Posted by hankster

He sounds like a t-wannabee. One, is it too late to switch this class for another? Take it when you're less vulnerable and or have the answers to some of these questions? Otherwise, I wouldn't look at it as homework as much as part of your voyage as a musician. I'm not sure how much I want to look at my process (I say that as a comedian) - what if your angst is part of what makes your music soulful? So maybe it's not that you have to "solve" these questions and come up with happy answers, which would be my take. What you've written here may be enough eg "80? Are you kidding? I may not make it to 26!" That is YOUR personal answer.

I have to not believe that my angst is what makes my music soulful because I have to allow myself to let my pain go. The thing about that is that we have to write a paper and do a report on pretending to be 80 years old looking back on your life. I can't just say one sentence and call it a report. I also wouldn't say that because that's something so personal that only my T and thousands of anonymous people on the internet know (haha). I would not be at all comfortable letting my teacher know that and definitely not my classmates.

[Purpledaze]

Oh, that sounds hard and unnecessary (and I have a music degree too!). I totally understand why it was triggering for you. It sound unresponsible of your school to allow this class to happen when it is being led solely by someone with no psych qualifications.

Definitely talk about it with your T. Is there any way she could write to your Dean of Music, saying she is treating you and that taking the class would be detrimental to you mental health? I was in a bad way and seeing a T in my last year of Uni and she wrote to my department asking for extra time for me to complete certain assignments. It wasn't a problem. Your T shouldn't have to give any detail.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Purpledaze

Oh, that sounds hard and unnecessary (and I have a music degree too!). I totally understand why it was triggering for you. It sound unresponsible of your school to allow this class to happen when it is being led solely by someone with no psych qualifications.

Definitely talk about it with your T. Is there any way she could write to your Dean of Music, saying she is treating you and that taking the class would be detrimental to you mental health? I was in a bad way and seeing a T in my last year of Uni and she wrote to my department asking for extra time for me to complete certain assignments. It wasn't a problem. Your T shouldn't have to give any detail.

I could also just talk to a dean directly. I don't know how much they can get me out of though. I highly doubt they would just not make me take the class. There are no departments at my school other than music so it's not like there is something else I could offer to take as a substitute for the credit. I will talk to my T though. There have to be more people in a similar situation as me with this. Students at a music school aren't usually beacons of mental health and it's odd to me that they would have this be a requirement. Normally, they are more sensitive.

[FeelTheBurn]

That sounds really hard, growli. I don't think there's anything wrong with that class per se, but it sounds pretty dangerous for you right now. I agree with others who've said, talk to your professor, and the head of the department if necessary, with your T's support. Ask if perhaps your T can accompany you to a meeting with them to help explain why it's not a safe class for you to take at this moment. It doesn't seem like an overreaction at all, and my guess is they'd be willing to either: provide another class to replace that requirement, or at least let you put it off as long as possible, to enable you to get more therapy under your belt and be more prepared for that kind of exposure.

Don't beat yourself up for it--this is one of those stressors you can prevent, so be an advocate for yourself and make it happen!

[wotchermuggle]

I wasn't in music, but I had to take a class about personal biases that was a required course. It required a LOT of reflection on your personal thoughts and experiences, like you mentioned.

I'd either pretend to be someone else and make up your stories (maybe pretend like you're answering them for a friend depending on what you know about their life) or just go deep and answer them.

You can always water down your response if you're forced to share publicly.

Writing about what you know is key to musicians and writers, so I doubt that big of a key element will be easily avoided course wise.

You have a T to back you up emotionally if it's difficult for you. I'd look at this as a way to work through some of your issues in a healthy way. Maybe you just need to change your perspective a bit on it?

[Victoria'smom]

I had a creative process class that was a lot like this, and English I both were required to graduate. If you would like to answer the questions seriously then I would go to the office explain that you are incredibly shy and would ask if you could have the assignments up front. You don't want to do that take the class like a creative writing class.

[Arha]

I really agree that this is very sensitive material for you, but there will be ways for this to work out for you, it is a matter of finding them.

Talk to your T. It is great that they are connected with the school, because they will have access to things that someone outside it won't.
They will know best what to do, but I think Miguel'sMom has a great suggestion. Perhaps you could get the T to contact the teacher, hopefully without needing to mention you, and say that they have been approached by someone doing this class, who has had it bring up issues which are very traumatic or difficult or inappropriate for them to deal with in a class situation, especially one where there is not the support of a skilled professional T.
Being given questions beforehand, and time to go over them with your T to talk about things you can deal with in class is a great approach.

I am sure any good teacher who was told this would understand the problem, even if they had not realised it beforehand. If someone has not gone through major issues, they could easily not realise the triggering effect this process might have on some, so I do not fault them for wanting to do this. It will help a lot of people in their music.

[growlithing]

Thanks for your responses. I talked to my T about it. She was sympathetic, but not overly concerned about it or willing to discuss it. She had her own agenda of things to talk about ...which is understandable when I walked through the door with SI marks too severe for me to successfully hide and I kept panicking more than usual whenever I heard footsteps outside of the room. She continually had to bring me back and was much more concerned with my SI than a class I was worried about.

This is why I really don't want to deal with this right now. I can make her talk about the class more, but I have much more pressing issues to take care of and we don't have enough time to handle all of it. I don't know if I'm emotionally able to handle it. I won't have the class again until next Tuesday so I will have another session before then. Maybe we can talk about it more next time. Maybe not.

[Arha]

Sounds like she is dealing with things as they need to be, which is good for you. Look after yourself.

[growlycat]

I really like tiny rabbit's suggestion to just make stuff up. No need to reveal yourself in this class. You can still find your musical voice through creativity and evasion. No one has a right to pry so just play the game. You may be surprised at what this inspires.

In art school, we had a few assignments that were just a bit too revealing. I remember making some sh**t up at the last minute, highly abstract --not at all my style (I'm actually a pretty realistic illustrator) in regards to my family. A got an A and I was relieved but a bit disgusted that lying got me a better grade. But it was an interesting experiment

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I really like tiny rabbit's suggestion to just make stuff up. No need to reveal yourself in this class. You can still find your musical voice through creativity and evasion. No one has a right to pry so just play the game. You may be surprised at what this inspires.

In art school, we had a few assignments that were just a bit too revealing. I remember making some sh**t up at the last minute, highly abstract --not at all my style (I'm actually a pretty realistic illustrator) in regards to my family. A got an A and I was relieved but a bit disgusted that lying got me a better grade. But it was an interesting experiment

Your "lies" are still coming from you, so... it's "scherzo", right? Still legit.

[growlycat]

In my family's case it may be "dada"

[feralkittymom]

Oh dear. Yes, there is a fashion to turn classes into encounter groups. I walked out of two such classes, not because I was reluctant to share, but because in my case there was no professional purpose to the approach. And they were doctoral classes.

I think tinyrabbit has the best solution: distance yourself completely by treating it as a fiction class. Grit your teeth and churn out a story. Get your grade and be done with it. Consider it a performance. You are wise to not confide in this teacher because of his professional connections. There's always an underlying competitiveness in performance schools that makes such touchy-feely approaches in classes disingenuous and problematic. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but you can get through it by minimizing it.

[learning1]

If you're in the US, you're entitled to reasonable accommodations as a student with a disability (mental health disability). It might take time to get through your school's bureaucracy and to negotiate an accommodation but maybe it would be good to figure out how to do it in case you need to do it in any other situations, even if you can't get it set up in time for the first part of this class. Your therapist could probably tell you who at your school is in charge of accommodations for a disability, or you could look on your school's website for a disability office. That's where you'd go to find out how to get registered for accommodations. The website might explain what kind of paperwork they need for you to get registered. I think some schools don't have an office, just a staff person who may also have another job, but a lot have an office. Your disability has to be kept confidential from everyone except the people in that office if you go there and register. They can give you a letter to give the professor telling the professor you need accommodation x,y,z (such as an alternative assignment, or not having to give your answers aloud, or whatever you work out with the disability office I think). Your professor can't legally ask anything about what type of disability (it could be a physical health issue or anything) and you don't have to tell the professor anything about it. Sometimes the disability office will make sure the professor knows they can't legally ask, but you can ask the disability office for help with that if they don't on their own.

I'd just make things up or keep it fairly surface. You will encounter classes and seminars and workshops semi-regularly that seem to go this way. I've learned to keep it very surface and play the game to just get through these for the grade or the hours,etc. I'm not about to try to explain to virtual strangers my truth, nor will I try to explain to them why I hate these kinds of activities. It just isn't their business in any way, shape, or form. So, I grit my teeth, play nice, make something up or tell a vey surface-level, watered-down version of the truth and just get through it. Not pleasant, but doable.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by learning1

If you're in the US, you're entitled to reasonable accommodations as a student with a disability (mental health disability). It might take time to get through your school's bureaucracy and to negotiate an accommodation but maybe it would be good to figure out how to do it in case you need to do it in any other situations, even if you can't get it set up in time for the first part of this class. Your therapist could probably tell you who at your school is in charge of accommodations for a disability, or you could look on your school's website for a disability office. That's where you'd go to find out how to get registered for accommodations. The website might explain what kind of paperwork they need for you to get registered. I think some schools don't have an office, just a staff person who may also have another job, but a lot have an office. Your disability has to be kept confidential from everyone except the people in that office if you go there and register. They can give you a letter to give the professor telling the professor you need accommodation x,y,z (such as an alternative assignment, or not having to give your answers aloud, or whatever you work out with the disability office I think). Your professor can't legally ask anything about what type of disability (it could be a physical health issue or anything) and you don't have to tell the professor anything about it. Sometimes the disability office will make sure the professor knows they can't legally ask, but you can ask the disability office for help with that if they don't on their own.

The only official mental health diagnosis I have is ADHD. My T is convinced that I have PTSD, but I have never been officially diagnosed. I don't think my ADHD diagnosis would be enough to get alternative assignments or allow me to not read my answers out loud.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

I'd just make things up or keep it fairly surface. You will encounter classes and seminars and workshops semi-regularly that seem to go this way. I've learned to keep it very surface and play the game to just get through these for the grade or the hours,etc. I'm not about to try to explain to virtual strangers my truth, nor will I try to explain to them why I hate these kinds of activities. It just isn't their business in any way, shape, or form. So, I grit my teeth, play nice, make something up or tell a vey surface-level, watered-down version of the truth and just get through it. Not pleasant, but doable.

Yeah I'll have to figure out how to do that.

The thing is that the reason I got into music was really because it was the only thing I could do that my mom wouldn't criticize me for. I could just say I was practicing and escape the nightmare I grew up in for just a little while. Before I was into music, I had a lot of social problems and I was bullied a lot. Music helped me find my voice and as I progressed, I gained respect from my peers in one area of my life. It was something I could do that no one could say I wasn't good at or that I couldn't contribute anything of value. Music was and still is my refuge from the rest of the world. I like the idea of watering it down so I'm telling the partial truth, but I have no idea how to make that any easier to explain to people without getting way too personal and talking about abuse and bullying. I will probably have to make something up. I like my own story though haha

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

There's always an underlying competitiveness in performance schools that makes such touchy-feely approaches in classes disingenuous and problematic.

Sooo very very true. This class could be a way to scope out "who has the chops" to go pro. All the more reason to spin a great story, tell them what they want to hear. Highlight the heroic part of growli !!

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Sooo very very true. This class could be a way to scope out "who has the chops" to go pro. All the more reason to spin a great story, tell them what they want to hear. Highlight the heroic part of growli !!

lol no. That's not what the class is about and even if it were, my true story wouldn't indicate to anyone that I'm not cut out to go pro. The people who get music jobs are the ones who emotionally need music jobs so badly that they eventually find a way to get one. They need it, they can't live without it, so they work for it and get one despite all the sacrifices they have to take. People who can't handle a music job are people who are impatient, not dedicated, extreme perfectionists to the point of snapping, get bored with music and/or can't handle the pressures involved with performance. It has nothing to do with what my parents did to me as a child or any of my psychological shortcomings because I feel more safe performing in an orchestra than I do anywhere else.

My school also doesn't have that cut throat of an attitude. It's actually a very friendly and accepting environment even within studios. Classical musicians typically are competitive, but typically less so than Black Swan because people who are assholes don't get tenure and they don't get freelance work. Also, the people in the class really don't have enough power to totally screw me over. The teacher has a lot of connections, but even if he were totally malicious and did know every detail of my life, he couldn't do too much damage. I've known this guy for a few years and he is a really nice guy. He'd probably keep it quiet and be respectful if I did tell him. I just really don't want to get into it because it is painful for me to talk about and I'd worry about who he'd talk to about it. He just doesn't need to know that stuff about my life, I'm not comfortable sharing, and a lot of the material triggers me.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Sooo very very true. This class could be a way to scope out "who has the chops" to go pro. All the more reason to spin a great story, tell them what they want to hear. Highlight the heroic part of growli !!

I don't think it's nearly so intentional. But the underlying tensions make for an environment that just isn't conducive to sharing deeply. A certain degree of vigilance about how one is viewed just comes with the territory of being in a performance profession.

[growlycat]

Usually, no it is not intentional or necessarily cutthroat. However, creative fields are notoriously hard to make a living in and the competition is inherent. Everyone is being sized up for future prospects.

Granted, I was an art major not a music major, but I think it may safe to say that if a professor has confidence in you or likes you, they may refer jobs to you later on (freelance etc.)

I agree that I would be designing in some form if I was paid or not. Paying is definitely the better gig.