[granite1]

one of the things that my T brought up was trust .this was because of the letter I gave her last week. in that letter I had said I wonder if I am broken and just will never have the capacity to trust anyone ever .that this is just who I am. she told me that was not what she sees at all. she pointed out how she saw trust in our relationship . she pointed out how when I think she is thinking horrible thoughts about me that I am able to still come to T and work it out . that even when I am scared I still find a way to come to T. that I have hope. I told her I thought that was crazy .that isn't the definition of insanity to keep doing the same thing expecting a different outcome. she said that she sees things as changing .being different . I didn't know how to respond to this at all. I know that there are parts of me that is starting to trust her. but to hear her say that she sees this terrified me. in a way it was like I trusted her on some level but still didn't know if it was ok to do so . kind of like a feeling of doom. I trusted her and she knew it and this could not be good. I wanted to ask her what was I suppose to do with this information but I felt it better to just keep my mouth shut. I didn't say a word as she spoke .I just felt it safer because I didn't know what to feel . eventually she changed the subject. I am left with this feeling of not knowing if this is ok or what to do with this information. it all scares me . anyone have this conversation with there T. how did you be ok with trusting your T. were you able to bring that to your life outside of T with other people. feel like ok you trust your T but outside the therapeutic relationship trust is very different?

[SoupDragon]

Hi granite - trust is very hard for me. After 3 and a half years with my T, logically I know he is trustworthy, but there is still that bit of me that says, yes but what if.......

As children it is hard to maintain boundaries and sometimes we don't even know what they are - we may feel something isn't right, but we "trust" adults to guide us. When my T and I have talked about trust before, I realised that there are people that are untrustworthy and that sometimes it is the very right thing to not trust people - that is what can keep us safe. However to be able to move forwards I need to become aware of my own boundaries and how to maintain these - that it is Ok to trust some people with some things, but that we can choose who to trust and with what, that the opposite of not trusting is not necessarily to trust everyone with everything.

I know I can trust my T, I know because I can list lots of examples when he has been there for me, when he has acted kindly, when he has given me space, when he has listened, when he has reassured - however my T and I have also acknowledged how fragile that trust is, that one wrong move and all the good work will be undone - it has been felt when I notice that he seems a little different, it might just be that he is tired, or has a cold, but unless he is the very same person each week, it wobbles me.

Sometimes, I reflect on that and realise what a high expectation I have of him and hard that may be for him sometimes, that he must be so careful not to put a foot wrong, despite being human and then I start to question what "trust" actually means to me.

I used to think that trust meant giving myself completely over to someone else, to trust them absolutely completely, totally and that there was no compromise. Now I think there is another way of trusting, like I trust my bank with my money (hmmm not sure if that is wise ) - trust the garage to fix my car, the vet with my dog, the supermarket to sell me edible food.

I do think you should be proud of yourself to keep going to your T, when it does feel so scary for you - yet I know from my own experience, that I don't always give myself the credit from achieving things that I assume should be easy to do - therapy is so very hard, particularly when trust has to be learned.

Soup

[ShrinkPatient]

Originally Posted by granite1

one of the things that my T brought up was trust .this was because of the letter I gave her last week. in that letter I had said I wonder if I am broken and just will never have the capacity to trust anyone ever .that this is just who I am. she told me that was not what she sees at all. she pointed out how she saw trust in our relationship . she pointed out how when I think she is thinking horrible thoughts about me that I am able to still come to T and work it out . that even when I am scared I still find a way to come to T. that I have hope. I told her I thought that was crazy .that isn't the definition of insanity to keep doing the same thing expecting a different outcome. she said that she sees things as changing .being different . I didn't know how to respond to this at all. I know that there are parts of me that is starting to trust her. but to hear her say that she sees this terrified me. in a way it was like I trusted her on some level but still didn't know if it was ok to do so . kind of like a feeling of doom. I trusted her and she knew it and this could not be good. I wanted to ask her what was I suppose to do with this information but I felt it better to just keep my mouth shut. I didn't say a word as she spoke .I just felt it safer because I didn't know what to feel . eventually she changed the subject. I am left with this feeling of not knowing if this is ok or what to do with this information. it all scares me . anyone have this conversation with there T. how did you be ok with trusting your T. were you able to bring that to your life outside of T with other people. feel like ok you trust your T but outside the therapeutic relationship trust is very different?

Sounds like our Ts are as similar as are we. I too have major trust issues. On several occasions I have stated that I'm wasting her time because I'm not doing the work I should be doing because... Well, I'm a piece of crap. Lol
My T then said almost exactly what yours said. She pointed out that I've always made my (twice a week) sessions even though most the time I don't feel like I want to. She sees improvement where I see crises because overwhelming insight can sometimes lead to poor emotional impulse control. She's also acknowledged a growing trust. However, like you, I feel like I temper. It's like I only feel like I can trust her to a degree because it is therapy and its her job. In the real world it'd be different.

I'm NOT comfortable with trusting her completely because I don't trust myself. I'm NOT really interested in learning to trust others. (I'm sure my T would consider that a pathological thought. Whateverí ½í¸) I would like to be able to trust myself though. I've been listening to everyone else for so long that I don't know what I think or even sound like anymore.

BTW: I'm also dealing with a unwelcome, growing attachment.
51% HATE IT (physically painful)
25% Comforted By It
24 % Confused

100 % BLESSED TO HAVE MY T!!!

Granite...

trust is so hard for me too. I like Soup Dragon was starting to trust T but any sudden moves (cancelling appts, changes in behavior) and I couldn't take it... my fear of realizing I was letting xT get too close is why I quit T.

I think its something no one can tell you how it will work...it is something you need to experience... someone told me here on PC... that when it gets hard you shouldn't run away you need to lean in... go towards the ackward and painful... I just couldn't endure it.

But I know you are stronger than I am.

[sweepy62]

Hi, Granite, trust is very hard these days for me as well, I know the feeling, I am doubting most everything these days, feeling insecure and I guess its showing up in the sessions, but heck its the way I feel, but I need to learn to trust, if anyone I suppose I should trust my t, its the only way I should heal. Good luck, sending you a hug.

[precious things]

Granite, I am in a similar place in my relationship with my T....where I feel myself trusting him....beyond is he competent, capable and trustworthy...he knows me now and therapy has this whole different vibe to it when the person sitting across from you can reflect from a place of knowing you and still not judge you. I didn't set foot in therapy to deal with my trust issues but I do believe it will be the vehicle for healing to take place. There has been nothing easy or natural in the proceesss.....I told my t that I was deeply appreciative to be working with him and in 20 years, I don't think I've ever truly been able to feel like the therapist sitting across from me has my back and won't betray that trust. My T will make comments about how hard he has had to work to earn my trust (and boy, he really has had to drill it in my head that he's walking this journey for the long haul). I don't know if this will translate to other relationships.....I think I'm still at the point of learning to be safe and trusting of my self (and the work in therapy) before I can spread the wealth of trust around.

[granite1]

thanks for sharing your stories with me. it just feels scary .I know I will at some point talk to her about what she said .maybe ill write her yet another letter. I seem to be doing ok with those. she will probably be sorry she stopped making me read them lol. now I am doing a lot of work on this time line I am doing for her about where I lived when

Yes I've had the same conversation. I found it reassuring. I carried that conversation with me and it made me smile. It was a key, not a lock.

[precious things]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Yes I've had the same conversation. I found it reassuring. I carried that conversation with me and it made me smile. It was a key, not a lock.

Brilliant!

[stopdog]

I trust real people in ways differently from the way I approach the therapist. She is someone I can tell things to because she is not in my life and I trust she does not care and that she has no stake in me so saying these things around her is not entirely unreasonable.(i know others see the therapist as caring etc. I am just trying to explain how I approach it.)
Real people I trust with some things too. Just different things.