[rainbow8]

I couldn't think of a title for this thread. I had a good session today, and I feel connected to my T. I told her something that resonated with her, she said. That almost made me cry. She said to let the tears come, but I couldn't.

I told her that I don't want to quit seeing her because though I'll have her in my heart, I want her right here in front of me! She said she understood that, but her job is to serve as a role model so I can have others (and myself) to fulfill those needs. I said that I think of her as a friend and/or close family member, and though I know that's not the case, it has never worked to think of her as someone I pay to help me, and that's all.

She agreed that we have a relationship, and it's not going to end in March. She says I can see her every 1 or 2 months. I hope I can handle that. She says in January we can start cutting down sessions, maybe.

I felt so close to her. We talked about a lot of my problems, and I apologized again for what I had told her before my trip. She said I don't have to keep apologizing. We talked about how I react to the way people look. We talked about bathroom stuff too. We talked about my life and how it's been pretty good! I like that I can tell her anything. I like the closeness that I feel with her--very much.

So, what good is it all? I don't want to "give her up" as someone very special in my life, but I have to. She'll always be special and maybe she'll be in my life, but it just doesn't seem fair. I know it's the way therapy is. You attach to a T because they are so NICE and CARING, and COMPASSIONATE. In my case, I like my T a lot for her artistic side, which is a real part of her, not related to the therapy. She suggested taking an art class so I can discuss art with someone when I'm not seeing her. That's a good idea, but it's so ironic to find someone you like so much, and have to go out and find other people who are like your T. It's just weird.

I know. My T has helped me with many things, and I'm so grateful for that. It's just so bittersweet to have to let go. I am radically accepting that termination is going to happen, but it's going to be hard.

[CantExplain]

((Rainbow))

Think of it as a friend moving to another town. Things will never be the same again, but she'll still be there, and you will see her sometimes.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

((Rainbow))

Think of it as a friend moving to another town. Things will never be the same again, but she'll still be there, and you will see her sometimes.

Thank you, CantExplain. I'm going to try to look at it that way. I have a very close friend whom I rarely see, but I know we care very much about each other. At the moment, I feel closer to my T than to anyone, so it's still going to be a loss. I've never been able to talk so honestly to anyone. I've got to remember that's because she's my T, not because she's a friend. She told me yesterday to think of her in a special category.

We've had a lot of threads about whether Ts really care, and what the relationship really is, and the bottom line is that most Ts do care, and it IS a real relationship with limits. I learned last week that what I say does affect my T, and even though it was about me and not meant to insult my T, it did hurt her. There are feelings on both sides. Just because it's a T's job doesn't mean they don't have feelings about us, and that they can't be affected by what we say.

It's hard to give up a T when we come into therapy wanting the relationship we never had. We get it, hopefully internalize it, and then can leave in a better place. I know I'm in a better place but it's still bittersweet.

I feel like I can always go to my T for a hug--not a real one though I like those too, but an emotional hug. Writing that makes me cry. I so much wish I could cry with her--just once before I quit.

[boredporcupine]

I feel the same as you, Rainbow. When you have someone wonderful in your life, who you have connected to on a deep level, why would you want to let them go? The best I can say is there are other places where you can meet really caring people. I meet them mostly at my church and places where I volunteer. If you can look at yourself and honestly say that you are a compassionate person and an understanding friend, then you deserve to be friends with the same kind of person. If you fall a little short still...maybe you just have more work to do.

[tooski]

Maybe now that you know what you want and need in a r/s, you know what to look for in others? You might never find a friend or partner who is as special as your T, but I think you know the qualities that you're looking for. I hope it will help you find people in your RL that you can have around for years and years! <hug>

[RTerroni]

I know the feeling of attachment to you Therapist, you sort of see them as someone who is a big part of your life.

I have had that with Therapists in my past but I always managed to keep it under control.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by tooski

Maybe now that you know what you want and need in a r/s, you know what to look for in others? You might never find a friend or partner who is as special as your T, but I think you know the qualities that you're looking for. I hope it will help you find people in your RL that you can have around for years and years! <hug>

Thank you, tooksi. The problem is that people aren't interchangeable. My T is special because of who she is. I have a friend who is almost like my T as far as accepting and caring about me, and it's a reciprocal relationship. I love her, but I still want my T.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by boredporcupine

I feel the same as you, Rainbow. When you have someone wonderful in your life, who you have connected to on a deep level, why would you want to let them go? The best I can say is there are other places where you can meet really caring people. I meet them mostly at my church and places where I volunteer. If you can look at yourself and honestly say that you are a compassionate person and an understanding friend, then you deserve to be friends with the same kind of person. If you fall a little short still...maybe you just have more work to do.

Thank you, bp. I DO have a couple of wonderful people in my life but they can't replace my T. No one can ever replace my T. I was attached to my previous Ts, but the relationship with my current T is more authentic. Maybe it's because we have the best fit. Or maybe she's just a very special, caring person.

Originally Posted by RTerroni

I know the feeling of attachment to you Therapist, you sort of see them as someone who is a big part of your life.

I have had that with Therapists in my past but I always managed to keep it under control.

Yes, my T has always been a big part of my life. At the same time, she's encouraged me to reach out and maintain relationships in my "real life" so it's not like I only have her. It's just that I can't and don't want to replace her. I suppose I don't have to. Like she said, I will always have her in my heart. Relationships develop and some of them end; in fact many of them end, so the T relationship is no different from any other in that respect.

Some people may think I'm thinking about termination prematurely, but March is NOT that far away, especially when T suggests seeing her less often starting in January!

[skysblue]

It seems like I remember, Rainbow, that you will still have the option of seeing your T occasionally. I have some very dear and close friends with whom I am in contact maybe only once a year. We pick up where we left off. I feel very connected with them and they are always in my heart.

Is it possible you could have that kind of r/l with your T? That you know you'll continue to see her but just not as often. So, the loss is just in quantity but not quality.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by skysblue

It seems like I remember, Rainbow, that you will still have the option of seeing your T occasionally. I have some very dear and close friends with whom I am in contact maybe only once a year. We pick up where we left off. I feel very connected with them and they are always in my heart.

Is it possible you could have that kind of r/l with your T? That you know you'll continue to see her but just not as often. So, the loss is just in quantity but not quality.

Yes, I have that option as long as I can pay her $100/session. The other issue is whether that arrangement will satisfy me. When I tried seeing my former T once a month, I spent the rest of the time thinking about her too much. I have a much better relationship with my current T, so I think it will work out, but I won't be sure until I try it. I don't want to miss her to the point of obsessing about her all of the time. I think I will be okay, though. I also think she'll email me back when I'm not seeing her, but we'll probably have to set some boundaries about that too.

My hope is that I will be ready to "graduate" by March. I'm being so very open about telling her what she means to me, and how I feel, that it makes me feel close to her. If I can maintain that feeling of closeness when I'm not in regular therapy anymore, I'll be fine.